need advice with 12 year old son

[deelam]

1

 

[OKW Lover]

It is possible that some mal-ware has gotten on to your computer - assuming its a windows machine. You may want to run a program that checks for this.

If that turns out not to be the case, then give your son some time. Don't push it at this point - just let him know that you are there when he wants to talk and that you love him.

 

[NYBlue1]

I had a real shocker with my 12 year old. I discoved that he has been looking at gay porn on our computer. No naked girls, only guys. I did approach him, he denied it at first, then said the computer went to the sites on its own. -there were over 20 sites listed, so I doubt the computer visited 20+ sites on its own. My son got very upset, screaming that he is not gay, over and over. Which is odd, because I never asked if he was gay. I explained that my problem is with pornography, not gay or straight. He is very upset, I really don't know how to approach this situation. I think that maybe I should take him in for counseling, I don't know. Does anyone have any tips on dealing with this? Not sure if my son is gay, it seems like 12 would be too young to tell. I just don't know.

Good afternoon, First let me say that you are awesome to come here to try to get some advice on your discovery, you sound like a great mom with how you handled this situation. The tween years are such a tough time, I dont need to tell you that, is your son Gay cause he is looking at these sites, might be, is he just curious about being Gay, might be, does he have no idea what he may be, might be too.

My suggestion to you is to let it be for a little while, Im sure having you discover this was a HUGE deal to him and letting the dust settle a bit is most likley they best thing. If your son is Gay he will tell you in his time, assuring him that whatever he is doesnt matter and that you love him just the same is the perfect solution.

You may want to contact your local chapter of PFLAG , you can find them at PFLAG.com that stands for Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays . They will be the best resource to help you though this time. They have a hotline I believe as well if you just want some advice. They have chapters and meetings nationwide and are the BEST source of information on parents dealing with Gay or possible Gay children. They are made up of parents of gay children and the children themselves, cant get any better help or support than that.

For a 12 year old boy to be curious about porn, pretty normal and not something I would think counciling is in order for. Im sure you will get great advice here as well as from PFLAG . You are off to a great start in how you delt with your son. Much luck to you and please feel free to drop in here anytime!

 

[mickeysaver]

I would like to address the issue of "when someone knows they are gay". This varies greatly. Personally, I didn't have a name for it, but I knew that I was different from a very young age. My partner claims that while she didn't know what to call it, she knew when she was 4 years old.

12 is a tough age. There are lots of emotions and lots of curiousity. It seems that if a kid is going to get busted for porn, I get those frantic mom calls from parents of 12 year old boys more than any other age group. (I work in a pediatric medical office.) It does seem that your son's 20 site devotion to gay male porn is rather telling though. Kids usually only seek out what turns them on, for lack of a better way of putting it. Even if your son was only attempting to see how other guy's equipment works...um...that's a lot of research.

He is probably HORRIBLY embarrassed that he got caught for starters, not to mention that it was his Mother who busted him. He has most likely not even considered the consequences to his actions. He has not thought to even "cover" the gay tracks with some straight site visits. He's 12 and probably a pretty good kid, which works in your favor.

It's important that you keep the lines of communication open. I think it's great that you are attempting to keep the focus on the inappropriate porn rather than being upset by the gay aspect of the situation. As long as you reassure him that he is loved and wanted no matter what his sexual orientation may end up being, he should be ok. Of course, there has to be a consequence to seeking out porn. That is totally on you to decide.

In a culture where gay is a term with more negative than positive uses, it's no wonder that your son reacted in such a manner in getting caught. It's a shame that in this day and age that kids still don't have a better image of what it means to be gay or lesbian. Good luck to you and the kiddo. Maggie

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Curiosity is a healthy thing. For all we know the boy could have just been curious about what it is "they do" eh?

Support him and let him know that curiosity is fine, and seeking answers to things is better left to places other than any porn site. Remind him that pornography is not a true depiction of a lifestyle (heterosexual or homosexual) and that you will help him satiate his curiosity through more realistic means.

Given his strong response to potentially being gay, I'd say it was time for a discussion about how no one way is "better" than another.

 

[rosiep]

Curiosity is a healthy thing. For all we know the boy could have just been curious about what it is "they do" eh?

Support him and let him know that curiosity is fine, and seeking answers to things is better left to places other than any porn site. Remind him that pornography is not a true depiction of a lifestyle (heterosexual or homosexual) and that you will help him satiate his curiosity through more realistic means.

Given his strong response to potentially being gay, I'd say it was time for a discussion about how no one way is "better" than another.

Really good response.

To the OP: Given the response you had for your son and coming here to ask for advice shows that you are a caring, sensitive Mom, and to me that suggests that whatever comes up you are going to be a great support.
Like othes have said..I bet the first thing your son felt was embaressment at your discovery of his sexual curiousity. Second, he might feel guilty and defensive about his choice of porn. Once he has calmed down enough it will be time to talk over all these things. Since you will have had time to digest it all you'll be able to talk calmly and without judgement.
Just last week a boy as young as your son came here to talk about his feelings. He seemed open to the idea that he maybe gay or bi..but naturally he was terribly concerned about what his family might say. Let your son know that no matter what..who ever he is is ok. And as for the curiousity..that's normal...but as DVC said porn is not a natural depiction of sex and every young person should be told this. My daughter has said that the expectation of young men in this day and age is based on these depictions and it is unfair and unrealistic. The availability of such images (with such anomymity) make it so prevalent.
Best of luck to you..please keep us posted. You are welcome here.

 

[TuckandStuiesMom]

Some awfully good serious useful advice has been posted here but may I lighten the mood for a moment?

When my oldest son was about 11 or 12 (way back before the internet -- can you believe it?), porn was often magazine-based. After a light snow (way back when we still had real winters before global-warming -- now I am starting to feel like I'm talking about the pleistocene era or something) , I decided to take a walk into the state-trust land that surrounds the area where I live.

As I left, I could see from the footprints in the snow, I was not the first out of the house that day. I really thought nothing of it. I continued up the hill, and noticed that there was another set of footprints coming out of the driveway of another house heading in the same direction. At the gap in the fence into the state land, there were several more sets of smallish to largish shoe and boot prints, and at that point, I got interested. We live in a fairly remote area, it was still fairly early in the day, and it was dang cold for so many of the neighborhood kids to be out for a walk. This was shaping up to be something out of the ordinary...

I followed the tracks about 1/2 a mile to a lightning-struck tree SURROUNDED by sneaker prints, boot prints, dog tracks -- you name it. The snow was packed down -- there had been so much foot-traffic. Inside it was (You guessed it) the MOTHER LODE of every kind of dirty magazine imaginable. WHO KNEW the Northeastern Arizona Lending Library of Porn was a mere mile from my house????

Anyways -- the upshot of my story is that there were a whole lotta kids that had been to that tree -- looking at pictures of nekkid people doin' all sorts of unlikely stuff.

I never said anything to anybody up to now. In retrospect, I'm glad everybody had scampered outa there before I arrived... it would have been terribly embarrassing for all concerned. Those kids are all grown now and have turned out pretty much OK. Echoing others here, I would suggest you just let the dust settle a little bit and go from there.

 

[Mackey Mouse]

Can I just say here that we have some terrific people here on this board, the answers that this Mom got were absolutely incredible. I know they must have helped. As a Mom, I think that I would just stay open to communication with him. I would not bring it up unless he wants to talk as you have already opened that door and he knows he can come to you when and if he needs to.

About the Internet sites, I do not know what to say here.. Would you want to try and block those sites from the computer?? I have no idea what I would do except maybe step back and let everything settle a bit and wait and see. Tough to do, I know..

 

[StormTigger]

I'm not a parent, but I am a geek by profession, so I'll let the others give the parental advice and I'll just speak about the computer.

It is possible, esp if a pop-blocker isn't installed on your computer, that a seemingly innocent link on a webpage or in an email could have spawned an onslaught of windows open to various sites. Regardless of how it happened however there are things I typically suggest.

1) Install a pop-up blocker & anti-spy/spam/malware software on your comptuer. Yahoo and Google offer free toolbars that do a good job. The Yahoo one also has anti-spy/spam ware scanner installed that you can run at will (I suggest every two weeks for a heavy internet surfer, at least once a month for an average surfer.) IE 7 has one built in, but it's not that great. The newer version of McAfee and Norton contain anti-spy ware also.

2) Parental Control Software (if that link doesn't work just do a surch on Parental Control Sofrware and you should get information on the various products) Net Nanny and Cyber Patrol are the most common ones I've heard of but there are many others out there. This type of software can be annoying for adults (depending on how you have them set and the type of surfing you do), but I always suggest them to my users w/ kids - there is just way to much out there for the little ones to stumble into.

Good luck , remember to breathe, and regardless of what Bill Cosby says, you really can't kill him and make another one that looks just like him, the neighbors would notice.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Just thought I'd mention this, because of the timing...

I put "small riding lawn mower" into google today and came up with a NASTY porn site! I was pretty surprised. Don't know what lawn mowers have to do with any of that muck, but it is just that easy to have something unwanted appear on your screen!

 

[rosiep]

Good luck , remember to breathe, and regardless of what Bill Cosby says, you really can't kill him and make another one that looks just like him, the neighbors would notice.

 

[Vijoge]

Just thought I'd mention this, because of the timing...

I put "small riding lawn mower" into google today and came up with a NASTY porn site! I was pretty surprised. Don't know what lawn mowers have to do with any of that muck, but it is just that easy to have something unwanted appear on your screen!

I just tried that and only got John Deere type stuff!

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

I'm using Safari (to google).

It was one of the links that presented as lawn mowers but ended up being anything but. No pun intended.

It's not a huge issue that you can't duplicate the action, I was just posting it to show how random it can be (having a porn site turn up).

 

[deelam]

Thank you to everyone for the responses. I feel better having brought this problem here. I really didn't know where else to go. Since the incident, my son has been a bit down, for good reason. His father really gave him a hard time. Started to call him a queer. I am heartbroken over this. I had to lay the law down with his father, it has to stop. Or he has to go. He promised to stop, but now is acting cold towards him. The bigest mistake I made was telling his father. Hopefully it blows over.

I will look for the PFLAG group. Thank you for that advise.
I did have software set up on the computer to safeguard children, but my son figured out how to bypass it. I have since installed other safty features, so I think it is safe. At least I hope it works. If it doesn't, I'll have to disconnect the cables and keep them with me. I know that will work.

 

[OrlandoMike]

First. Please count on this group to help you through this.

Second. Set your son down and let him know you love him, unconditionally. No matter what!

Third. Get in touch with PFLAG ASAP!


About your husband. Feel free to PM me about that situation. It needs to be fixed right quick for the mental health of your son.

PS as far as the Internet porn goes, I wouldn't freak out totally. Boys at that age will find that sort of thing if it's on the Internet (2007) or down at the local gas station (Back in my day!)

Boys will be boys.....

 

[Mackey Mouse]

I do not know what to say here except you need to get some help as Mike said... that kind of behavior from your husband is unacceptable...he needs help as well if that is how he handles these kinds of bumps in the road with raising children. No one died here, no one is dying, hopefully you can handle it with dignity and your son will be come out of this situation in tact..

Your husband will have to stop giving the cold shoulder and support his wife who is trying to help their son. As a Mom of 3 grown daughters, I did tell my husband when something would happen when they were younger. If I thought he acted inappropriately, I would be in his face privately. I always felt that I never needed that 4th child to deal with, he was either their Dad and supportive or I left him out and handled things myself. Most times, he stepped up to the plate and stood beside me handling it.....I hope that your husband can get pass what he is going through now and help his wife and son....

HUgs from one Mom to another.

 

[Nancyg56]

I do not know what to say here except you need to get some help as Mike said... that kind of behavior from your husband is unacceptable...he needs help as well if that is how he handles these kinds of bumps in the road with raising children. No one died here, no one is dying, hopefully you can handle it with dignity and your son will be come out of this situation in tact..

Your husband will have to stop giving the cold shoulder and support his wife who is trying to help their son.

Others have suggested that you find a way to make your husband change his attitude towards your son, and I agree. The 8 YO boy down the street was going to a summer camp this summer. I would take his older brother to his camp and then check on the little guy. He started the summer bouncing to the bus stop but by the end he was trudging down. His brother said he was getting picked on.

Not too long after school started he was caught in the boys room in school with another boy, and then the feathers hit the fan. Mom hysterical, Dad screaming and calling names. Not good for a little kid. Dad is a "macho" kind of guy, coaches the youth football team and began punishing his son by benching him. He refused to look at him or talk to him.

His Grandmother and I are friends and she talked to a social worker at work who said that that kind of nonsense needed to stop, blame needed to stop, and that what was forgotten here was kids are kids. They are curious and they experiment. The last thing any parent should do is make the child feel that love is conditional based on orientation an the last thing parents should do is make children uncomfortable. They do that enough on their own.

My heart breaks because a father's acceptance is crucial to a young man. I watched my own FIL try to undo years or conditional behavior with his oldest son and it really cannot be done. The damage is horrendous so if you can turn it around before it goes further you would be doing both of him a world of good. You sound like a strong smart caring Mom. The Mom down the street really had a tough time standing up for her son, Her own Mother needed to make her get some backbone before she insisted that he show that poor little boy that Dad loved him.

 

[Vijoge]

PS as far as the Internet porn goes, I wouldn't freak out totally. Boys at that age will find that sort of thing if it's on the Internet (2007) or down at the local gas station (Back in my day!)

Boys will be boys.....

One of mine (middle son) swiped my husbands credit card and bought $300 of internet porn. When I asked the youngest son if he knew anything about the porn sites visited he admitted to looking at them but made it clear the stuff he looked at was all free!

 

[Jigsaw]

I dont have kids so I dont know but I will attempt to help.
Sometimes if the computer has a virus or doesnt have a pop up blocker inapropriot sites will pop up and sometimes theres ones where you close them and then more keep popping up so it may be that.

I have a friend that I'v known since high school and I would go over to her house and her younger sister, whom at the time was I think around 9 or 10 years old would sit at the computer, even when her parents were in the room, and look at gay (men) porn. I dont know why. I thought it was kinda weird that her parents didnt say anything, but I guess everyone raises their kids differently

 

[Rence]

deelam - give us an update on how your son is doing - Hopefully he's back to normal now and not still moping around. Has his father come around at all?