Need advice/vent...So mad at DH/Update on page 10

[Tigger&Belle]

But if the OP's husband was being mature, he would have worked out the solution, then told the OP, "This is what happened, I'm sorry, and this is how I solved the problem. Your mom needs these chores done and it's a win/win solution". Sounds like there are some issues all around, but nothing so serious that they can't be worked out.

OK, you want to know something REALLY stupid. You think getting mad over $120 is stupid? How about getting mad over $1.20? The other night my DH and I were going up to bed. I'd put a couple packs of cat treats on the steps that belong upstairs. I had my hands full with laundry and asked my DH to grab them and bring them upstairs where they belong. In the 10 seconds that I asked him and he passed by them my DH forgot. When he got upstairs I asked him if he brought them upstairs and he told me that he'd forgotten them. I because he's always forgetting things and nothing more was said.

The next morning my DH commented that the kittens had ripped the pack open and eaten them. When I saw the pack I told him the kittens hadn't done that, it would have been the dog (another duh moment) and if he had have brought them upstairs when I asked him that wouldn't have happened. How stupid is that of me?

I did catch myself and I shut up. For crying out loud, it was a $1.20 pack of cat treats, if that, and I was giving my DH a bad time about it. As if he doesn't know he should have brought it upstairs. That's the kind of thing that many wives tend to do to their husbands (and they tend to do to their wives...). Pointing out the obvious as if they are little kids. It really does nothing to build a marriage.

 

[poohandwendy]

You know T&B, that is sort of funny, but really an awesome example of what a smart woman does. Actually a smart person, period. Whe you can stop yourself and actually recognize that what you are doing is the wrong way to handle something, instead of automatically looking to the other guy for blame, you have really grown as a person. That is the kind of person I think we should all be trying to be. That person is what makes someone want to commit the rest of their life to live with you.

 

[poohandwendy]

Oh and before someone comes in and makes snarky comment, I am NOT asking T&b to marry me, LOL

 

[TinkInPink]

I'm not sure what rubbing his nose in it is going to do . The man felt bad enough about it to go to your Mother to get the money and worked out an arrangement for it. Allow him some pride for goodness sake. It's bad enough he has to come to you and justify every cent he gets. My parents were married in the early 1940's and she handled the money but she always gave my dad so much money that she didn't need to know where it went and they lived thru tight money times.I don't even make my kids tell me where every penny goes. If it will make you feel better and it is important he knows you know just move it to another place in the drawer and say nothing, he'll get the message.

I don't blame you for being upset that he went to your Mom, but I'd be more embarrassed that my Mom knew my husband felt this way about me.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

You know T&B, that is sort of funny, but really an awesome example of what a smart woman does. Actually a smart person, period. Whe you can stop yourself and actually recognize that what you are doing is the wrong way to handle something, instead of automatically looking to the other guy for blame, you have really grown as a person. That is the kind of person I think we should all be trying to be. That person is what makes someone want to commit the rest of their life to live with you.

Why thank you! Now to keep me from getting so pissy to begin with.


I just read your last reply...nope, no marriage.... I am so glad that my boys are out of earshot right now!!!

 

[pearlieq]

I can't believe how vicious people are being about couples pooling money!

It seems a pretty clear case--they have joint accounts, but she manages the bills. There isn't any money leftover for extras, so no, he wouldn't have any access to extra money without his wife knowing about it.

I simply can't wrap my mind around why people think there's something wrong with that??? They're being responsible and making their bills/expenses a priority instead of choosing to spend it on unnecessary items.

Would those of you who attacked the OP think she was a "better" wife if they just didn't pay the gas bill so her husband could have some pocket money she didn't know about?

I also think it's really unfair to blame the OP for her husband's deceiful and immature behavior in this situation. So many folks are making such a big deal of him being an ADULT, yet they apparently think it was OK for him to hide the ticket in a childish manner. I don't care if he didn't want to acknowledge that he screwed up--part of being an ADULT is facing the music for your mistakes, which he apparently didn't care to do!

I think she's got a right to be concered and/or angry.

 

[declansdad]

I'm not sure what rubbing his nose in it is going to do . The man felt bad enough about it to go to your Mother to get the money and worked out an arrangement for it. Allow him some pride for goodness sake. It's bad enough he has to come to you and justify every cent he gets. My parents were married in the early 1940's and she handled the money but she always gave my dad so much money that she didn't need to know where it went and they lived thru tight money times.I don't even make my kids tell me where every penny goes. If it will make you feel better and it is important he knows you know just move it to another place in the drawer and say nothing, he'll get the message.

I don't blame you for being upset that he went to your Mom, but I'd be more embarrassed that my Mom knew my husband felt this way about me.

I don't remember reading anywhere on SoMad's post that she said that her dh had to justify everything he spent. Come on people, most families that I know have one person who is the main manager of the money. That doesn't mean they are in so much control that they ask for an accounting at the end of everyday. It's called sharing the responsibilities.

Let it go!

 

[ElizK]

Just to be clear, this is your husband not your child, right? Because from the "tone" of your post it sounds more like a mother venting about her child. He's an adult, he's dealing with it. Let it go.

This was my thought, too.

 

[Hannathy]

Reread the first post she said I control the checkbook I know EVERYTHING that goes in and out. She made a point to say she "gave" him $20. for Valentine's day. I wonder if he needed a receipt.

 

[pearlieq]

As far as gifts, for Valentine's day we each got $20 in cash to spend on each other.

Holy twisting the OPs words!

She didn't dole out funds. They set a BUDGET. That's what responsible people do. DH and I do it for bithdays and holidays--we decide what we have to spend and we agree on an amount. I guess that means we have serious issues...

 

[karebear1]

I have left stuff like that on the counter before! Only Dh didnt pay it ever (what did he think would happen), and guess who got pulled over by the sherrif since the car is in his name. I could have killed him, the officer was very polite telling me he needs to get down to the court house . At least your Dh paid it secretly, I wanted to kill mine.

Her DH didn't pay the ticket- her MOTHER did! Have you talked to your mom about her participation in this? If my mom had done this behind my back I'd be equally as mad at her. She is interfering- (Asked to or not) and should have told your DH to be a man and talk to you about it.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

Just to be clear, this is your husband not your child, right? Because from the "tone" of your post it sounds more like a mother venting about her child. He's an adult, he's dealing with it. Let it go.

I had to skim my way back up the original post, because I thought I must have read it wrong the first time! I thought for sure she was talking about a teenage son.

My DH would be hiding his own self from me if I confronted him over things like that.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I would put the ticket back and not say a work. He might have not told you because he knew how you would react. The money is between him and your mom. He is paying her back. Leave it at that.

 

[mommaU4]

I'm sorry but I am confused about something.

Are you mad about the ticket OR that he hide the ticket and went behind your back?

Because you realize they are two seperate issues right?

Getting a ticket can happen to anyone. That alone is not really something to be mad about even if it is due to a bad habit of his. Call it lesson learned.

Hiding something and sneaking around is something that you should be upset about. Privacy is one thing, but why does anyone need to sneak behind someone's back? How is that okay?
And I don't believe that some of these other posters would be okay with it if they were in your shoes. Not for a minute.

Where do you draw the line? If hiding a ticket is okay, is hiding another female's phone number that he got from a party/bar/whatever okay? I bet alot of wives would not say hiding things is okay in that instance. Well, maybe they would say it's okay if he didn't call the number. Yeah. Right.

I don't have any magic advice for you, but I wish you the best of luck. And don't let the people who are calling you a nag get to you. Apparently they have NEVER told their hubbies to pick up their socks or put down the toilet seat. Maybe they all married saints.

 

[mommaU4]

Holy twisting the OPs words!

She didn't dole out funds. They set a BUDGET. That's what responsible people do. DH and I do it for bithdays and holidays--we decide what we have to spend and we agree on an amount. I guess that means we have serious issues...

It's okay. There are people out there who can help with problems like yours. I'll get a number for you and your marriage will be just fine. Trust me.

 

[mommaU4]

Reread the first post she said I control the checkbook I know EVERYTHING that goes in and out. She made a point to say she "gave" him $20. for Valentine's day. I wonder if he needed a receipt.

Maybe her DH wants it that way? Did anyone think of that?

It may not be for everyone but for some couples when one is better with money and budgets and finances and saving money then the other may want that person to take over.

Could be the case here. Who knows?

 

[MAKmom]

I'm sorry but I am confused about something.

Are you mad about the ticket OR that he hide the ticket and went behind your back?

Because you realize they are two seperate issues right?

Getting a ticket can happen to anyone. That alone is not really something to be mad about even if it is due to a bad habit of his. Call it lesson learned.

Hiding something and sneaking around is something that you should be upset about. Privacy is one thing, but why does anyone need to sneak behind someone's back? How is that okay?
And I don't believe that some of these other posters would be okay with it if they were in your shoes. Not for a minute.




Where do you draw the line? If hiding a ticket is okay, is hiding another female's phone number that he got from a party/bar/whatever okay? I bet alot of wives would not say hiding things is okay in that instance. Well, maybe they would say it's okay if he didn't call the number. Yeah. Right.

I don't have any magic advice for you, but I wish you the best of luck. And don't let the people who are calling you a nag get to you. Apparently they have NEVER told their hubbies to pick up their socks or put down the toilet seat. Maybe they all married saints.

SoMad... I mean MommyU4 your so funny

 

[Planogirl]

I control the check book too. Does someone want to flame me just to be different?

Seriously, to the OP, I would discuss it with your DH if I were you. I would set aside the anger because there's nothing to be gained by fighting and I would talk to him on a one on one basis about this situation. Maybe you have been on his case a little bit too much at least from his perspective and maybe he's been a bit too sloppy with his driving. The best thing is to acknowledge that improvement can be made by both sides and go from there.

 

[foolishmortal]

I am too but I choose to ignore it.
He IS a good man, doesn't hit or degrade me, is a great father, comes home to me every evening, doesn't drink/smoke/gamble, helps with ALL housework, does little things to me that lets me know he loves me.

We don't agrue about much, but one thing that we do agrue about is his driving! It is probably his biggest flaw.
I know that may not seem like much to some, but between getting tickets and my fear that he is going to get in a serious accident some day because of his reckless driving, yes it does cause some agruements time to time.

I only made it to page 3 then this jumped out at me.

I must be an award nominee for worst father/husband of the year. I have an occasional drink, and cigar and I gamble (cards and sports) frequently. In fact here is me on a friday night &

Oh well, with an arguement like that for being a good guy it's no wonder He tried to hide it, getting a ticket must really make him feel bad!

Sorry OP and OP defenders but if my wife was like this and I had such high standards to live up to I would probably have to hide it as well....Forunately, my wife knws my habits and lets me do what I like as long as we stay like this She knows I am not only human, but a MALE human at that!

 

[SoMad]

Reread the first post she said I control the checkbook I know EVERYTHING that goes in and out. She made a point to say she "gave" him $20. for Valentine's day. I wonder if he needed a receipt.

I love how people read what they WANT to read!! Makes for some good laughs.

by the way---I did not "give" him $20, we both had $20 to spend on each other! We went to the ATM, took out $40, he got $20 and I got $20. I guess not every one can have money freely flowing from their bank account. Yep, we are one of the "poor" folks that have to account for our money.

We both have jobs, grant it not 6 figure jobs, we are NOT on govt assist, we have bills to pay. Yes, I am the one who writes out the checks every month. Big deal.
But we both have access to the checkbook and we BOTH talk to the other one when buying MOST anything. I need a new pair of jeans, I tell him, he needs a new shirt, he tells me and we BUDGET it.