Need advice/vent...So mad at DH/Update on page 10

[SoMad]

Holy twisting the OPs words!
I guess that means we have serious issues...

Yep, I guess we will be seeing you in the counselor's waiting room

 

[kmp1191]

I only made it to page 3 then this jumped out at me.

I must be an award nominee for worst father/husband of the year. I have an occasional drink, and cigar and I gamble (cards and sports) frequently. In fact here is me on a friday night &

Oh well, with an arguement like that for being a good guy it's no wonder He tried to hide it, getting a ticket must really make him feel bad!

Sorry OP and OP defenders but if my wife was like this and I had such high standards to live up to I would probably have to hide it as well....Forunately, my wife knws my habits and lets me do what I like as long as we stay like this She knows I am not only human, but a MALE human at that!

ITA!!
and that brings this thread to an end...TG!!

 

[foolishmortal]

I love how people read what they WANT to read!! Makes for some good laughs.

by the way---I did not "give" him $20, we both had $20 to spend on each other! We went to the ATM, took out $40, he got $20 and I got $20. I guess not every one can have money freely flowing from their bank account. Yep, we are one of the "poor" folks that have to account for our money.

We both have jobs, grant it not 6 figure jobs, we are NOT on govt assist, we have bills to pay. Yes, I am the one who writes out the checks every month. Big deal.
But we both have access to the checkbook and we BOTH talk to the other one when buying MOST anything. I need a new pair of jeans, I tell him, he needs a new shirt, he tells me and we BUDGET it.

This part of your story I do agree with you on. My wife and I are in the same boat..work to live that's it. no help or laziness on our part, so I do agree with your stance and this.

 

[SoMad]

I'm sorry but I am confused about something.

Are you mad about the ticket OR that he hide the ticket and went behind your back?

Because you realize they are two seperate issues right?

I am mad about the ticket, BUT I can forgive it. It's more of a frustration because it has happened before.

I am more upset about the fact he hid it.

by the way, he is home. I will be talking to him soon. I guess I needed to vent here so my anger and frustation would come out here and not at him.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I don't understand why some people are surprised about the budget. There were several years in our marriage that we were on a budget and didn't buy anything without consulting the other person. Not only did we survive those years, but we were actually fairly happy. I can't say that I mind not having to pinch every penny, but it was doable we remember those days with fondness. And I don't even know that we would have had $20/each to have spent on Valentine's Day since we were eating mac/cheese and ramen (we were poor college students ).

OP, I do wish that I knew who you normally were on the boards, though. That part is killing me!

 

[foolishmortal]

ITA!!
and that brings this thread to an end...TG!!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Just like a guy--likes to get the last word...

 

[thinkerbell]

Originally posted by kmp1191:
don't sweat the petty stuff, and don't pet the sweaty stuff!

I've never heard it said quite that way. I love it!!

About the checkbook thing. I feel that my marriage is the BEST!! But, I do guess we have one major flaw. I always have the checkbook, do the bill paying, and golly gee--he has to tell me when he gets money out so I can keep it balanced. Otherwise we might be over-drawn. I couldn't tell you the last time he wrote a check. He DOES have an ATM card though and isn't afraid to use it.

 

[mommaU4]

I always have the checkbook, do the bill paying, and golly gee--he has to tell me when he gets money out so I can keep it balanced. Otherwise we might be over-drawn.

Some women are SO demanding!! I mean really!!








J/K

 

[ACvmk]

Wow is all I can say. I would hate to live where I had no discretionary(sp) income no wonder he hides things from mommy like a child. I can't imagine having to go to my MIL for 120 dollars so I didn't have to tell my DH something unless it was a secret surprise and i wanted to keep it hidden for a bit. I can't imagine how degrading that must have been for him.

I haven't read all the responses to this long thread but let me just say $120 is huge in some families and yes, that can be a major, major bump for some family's monthly income. The OP said they are the "working poor" which means EVERY dollar counts in their budget - there may be no room for any extras - period. Discretionary income, in some household budgets, may not simply exist. I'd hate to live in a financial situation where I didn't have discretionary income that I'd have to account for, but unfortunately, people's financial situations sometimes are harsher than others and not everyone has or can allow this type of luxury spending. Especially when a ticket not only costs a painful $120 but can roll into other type of increases like car insurance rates where the net effect takes years to wear off. Yes, people make mistakes...we've all done it. However, the key here is that OP's DH has decided by choice to keep repeating the same negative behavior in the form of an illegal driving habit (3 tickets in 5 years!). No matter what label you want to put on the OP's marriage...parent/child or spouse/spouse, the bottom line is that he is responsible for his own behavior and is disrespectful to his family when he acts inappropriately over and over. I completely understand the OP frustration.

 

[BuckNaked]

So, if your husband is driving poorly, aggressively, running stop signs, etc. and you "say your peace" which I guess is "nagging" what do you do about it? Just let it go?

I guess it all depends on how you define aggressive driving. The OP said that her DH does "rolling stops". Maybe I'm not thinking of it the same way, but while legally a rolling stop is running a stop sign, it's not the same as driving through a sign at 40 MPH, never even slowing down, so it's not nearly as dangerous as actually barrelling through a stop sign.

So yeah, I would mention the driving issue one time, then let it go. From what the OP says, her DH is great in so many ways, and is well aware of their financial situation. If that's the case, then he'll see the financial implications of his actions on his family and he'll learn the lesson.

 

[Christine]

I guess it all depends on how you define aggressive driving. The OP said that her DH does "rolling stops". Maybe I'm not thinking of it the same way, but while legally a rolling stop is running a stop sign, it's not the same as driving through a sign at 40 MPH, never even slowing down, so it's not nearly as dangerous as actually barrelling through a stop sign.

So yeah, I would mention the driving issue one time, then let it go. From what the OP says, her DH is great in so many ways, and is well aware of their financial situation. If that's the case, then he'll see the financial implications of his actions on his family and he'll learn the lesson.

I was referring to a few people. First the OP: not only does her husband roll through stop signs, he speeds. Second, me: my husband tailgates. Third, Miss Jasmine, who says her DH (who I guess is a cop) is a very aggressive driver. She didn't describe what he does in detail, but I believe her. My point was, what do you do about those behaviors? When you point them out and they are ignored, then it does turn into what is perceived as "nagging" by the offender. I have "pointed out" several times to my DH that he follows to closely. He gets mad when I point it out, so I stopped. He has been in two accidents because of this. I guess he finally got the point and is doing better now (he is, ahem, 43 now--it took that long). It's a shame that he had to get two tickets, two accidents, and we don't have great insurance rates because of it. Yeah, I'm bitter about it. I have to "pay" for his mistake.

 

[BuckNaked]

I was referring to a few people. First the OP: not only does her husband roll through stop signs, he speeds. Second, me: my husband tailgates. Third, Miss Jasmine, who says her DH (who I guess is a cop) is a very aggressive driver. She didn't describe what he does in detail, but I believe her. My point was, what do you do about those behaviors? When you point them out and they are ignored, then it does turn into what is perceived as "nagging" by the offender. I have "pointed out" several times to my DH that he follows to closely. He gets mad when I point it out, so I stopped. He has been in two accidents because of this. I guess he finally got the point and is doing better now (he is, ahem, 43 now--it took that long). It's a shame that he had to get two tickets, two accidents, and we don't have great insurance rates because of it. Yeah, I'm bitter about it. I have to "pay" for his mistake.

Well, we drive in the same area, so perhaps your DH and I will run into each other some day (literally or figuratively ) because I've decided that the only way to survive in the metro DC area when driving is to kill or be killed.

Since DH works on the base where we live, he isn't on the road much in this area. I have a short (5 mile) commute every day, plus I spend quite a bit of time in Alexandria & Arlington due to kids' activities. Needless to say, the way he drives on the Beltway & 395 are quite different from the way I drive. I drive to survive and he drives to be hit by people that drive like me and 95% of the other residents of this area . So the compromise is that rather than either one of us nag the other, we just shut up and if it gets to be too much, one of us will scream "FOR GOD'S SAKE, YOU'RE GOING TO KILL US ALL - PULL OVER AND LET ME DRIVE!!!"

 

[Christine]

Well, we drive in the same area, so perhaps your DH and I will run into each other some day (literally or figuratively ) because I've decided that the only way to survive in the metro DC area when driving is to kill or be killed.

Well, if you're going to be rear-ended by anyone, it may as well be my DH. We have good insurance through USAA!

 

[Nancyg56]

"Honey, Mom called and needs her bikini wax today....she asked you to be there at 6pm - whats that about?"

I think you are so right!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

OP, don't leave us hangin'! What happened?

 

[Nancyg56]

Can your mother afford to help you out in this case? If so, let her and your DH continue on with their arrrangement. He got himself the ticket and he is working it off. She didn't HAVE to give him the $$, did she? Maybe she needed the extra help and was glad to help her SIL out....

trust me....i've been there....if she didn't want to help out, she wouldn't have.
please don't fret about it anymore...life is too short. let him know that you know about it, and leave it at that. he'll make it up to you....just watch.

This is what I would do. As a PP suggested, leave it on the counter, and say nothing. He will know that you know, and let him wonder if you know how he paid the ticket. I'd let the arrangement between Mom and DH stand. Sometimes the less said the better.

Or there is the bikini wax idea...............

 

[ericamanda01]

I would upset if DH kept something like this from me. If I were you I would pay back your mom, but keep it between you and her. Then let DH continue to work for her. He has to feel bad about keeping it from you, so you could really work this to your advantage. (insert evil grin here!) Guilt can be a fun thing sometimes!!! Maybe you need to have the gutters cleaned out.Or the laundry done! Just kidding , I hope it all works out for you. I would wish him luck, he needs it, but doesn't deserve it!

 

[jenks0718]

I meant to quote someone and it didnt work. Sorry

 

[disneyfanz04]

OP, don't leave us hangin'! What happened?

Yeah I'd like to know too!!