Need advice/vent...So mad at DH/Update on page 10

[Miss Jasmine]

So, if your husband is driving poorly, aggressively, running stop signs, etc. and you "say your peace" which I guess is "nagging" what do you do about it? Just let it go?

Now, I know this is a message board and you can't see my intent. Honestly, I'm not EVEN trying to be snarky with this question. I am honestly interested in how everyone else would handle this situation.

If your husband is exhibiting behavior that is going to cost you financially (and you're strapped) or it could endanger his life or others, exactly WHAT is the best way to approach this.

It sounds as if the OP has done both some nagging AND some heart-to-heart talks about it.

So, can we put our Dr. Phil hats on and discuss?

I said in my first post on this thread that DH is an aggressive driver. I asked that he just not do that when I or the kids are with him in a vehicle. And for the most part he is fine when we are in the car with him (when he's not, I just remind him of our agreement and that takes care of that). We have other circumstances where I don't have to worry about tickets so much (professional courtesy) and if he kills himself, it's his own stupid fault, I have plenty of insurance on him.

 

[Christine]

And for the most part he is fine when we are in the car with him (when he's not, I just remind him of our agreement and that takes care of that).

Okay, so this, to me, sounds like what the OP is doing--reminding him of his driving flaws when she is with him--somehow she is a nag/harpy. And you're lucky that your DH listens to your request. So, what if he didn't? I think "nags" are created not born!

Also, as I stated, I'm married to the tailgater. I've told him the same thing--"don't drive like that while the family is in the car; do whatever you want to yourself" but, you know, he seems to not be able to control himself. So do I keep my mouth shut, refuse to get in the car with him, remind him again? I feel like whatever I might do about *his* bad behavior somehow makes me look like a shrew. Oh, and my husbands "tailgating" has caused three tickets and two car accidents. Do you think I have the best insurance rate?

 

[laura001]

I think that there are issues between you and your DH that go beyond the traffic ticket. It's too bad that he felt the need to hide it from you. I would also be mad if I were you--both that he got it, that he hid it, and that he went behind your back with your mother to cover it up. I would confront him about it, but do my best to stay calm and work on the actual issues that led to him doing this. Your mother was also in the wrong since I think she should have told him to work it out with you and not allowed him to come to her in the first place. Good luck!

I agree with the above poster, there are some other issues here. Two of the main components of marriage are communication and truth.....obviously he feels he cannot come to you regarding the ticket, hence him lying to you. You both need to find a way of opening the lines of communication and in doing so making the other person feel alright about going to the other with a problem. In your marriage each partner should feel that their partner is a "safe place to fall", without judgment or critisism, but love, respect and compassion. Just my 2 cents. Good luck in straightening this out and getting on the right track.

 

[SoMad]

"I have even told him recently that I noticed he is driving more within the speed limits and I thanked him for it really trying to drive safer. (See I am not a mean old nag, I can give credit where credit is due). "

I see you are trying to positive reinforce good behavior but it almost sounded like you were talking to a child.

LOL! I laugh because I knew someone would take it as talking to a child. Trust me, I don't say "what a good boy for driving under the speed limit. I am so proud of you"

I just causally mention it. Just like I would like someone to notice if I was working hard at something. (losing weight, quitting smoking, etc) He has/had a habit of speeding, I thought it would be nice to mention I do notice he is trying.

Maybe that is wrong of me to?

 

[declansdad]

you're amazed? Please! There is nothing the DIS loves more than a good Analyze My Marriage Thread.

This sucker will be up to 20 pages by dinner.

You put it out there, people are going to run with it. Hold On!

Oh I know, just amazes me. But then again, who doesn't like to share their opinion.

 

[disykat]

I'd be mad too. Every marriage has "I told you so" moments. Your dh didn't want to have to deal with this one so he hid a traffic ticket from you and went to your mother for money so you wouldn't notice money missing from your joint accounts. I don't get how people are saying the OP treated her dh like a child, but I sure see how he is acting like one.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

Okay, so this, to me, sounds like what the OP is doing--reminding him of his driving flaws when she is with him--somehow she is a nag/harpy. And you're lucky that your DH listens to your request. So, what if he didn't? I think "nags" are created not born!

Also, as I stated, I'm married to the tailgater. I've told him the same thing--"don't drive like that while the family is in the car; do whatever you want to yourself" but, you know, he seems to not be able to control himself. So do I keep my mouth shut, refuse to get in the car with him, remind him again? I feel like whatever I might do about *his* bad behavior somehow makes me look like a shrew. Oh, and my husbands "tailgating" has caused three tickets and two car accidents. Do you think I have the best insurance rate?

Well DH has not been in an accident since he was like 21 (and it didn't have to do with aggressive driving), so no insurance woes. If he didn't listen to me after our discussion, I would just drive myself. Yes refuse to get in the car with him. When DH forgets, I don't say "hey you're going to kill us." I say, "our agreement." That is all that is necessary.

I think the OP herself said she nags.

I don't worry about accidents as much as I think someone is going to shoot him. Seriously...

 

[tiff211]

If my DH did this, I would just put the ticket on the counter with a note that said I told you so.

No nagging, no fighting about him not telling me.

I would probably do this also!!

 

[SoMad]

So do I keep my mouth shut, refuse to get in the car with him, remind him again? I feel like whatever I might do about *his* bad behavior somehow makes me look like a shrew.

That is what I am getting from most of these people. If I am in the car with him and he speeds or rolls through a stop sign, I am suppose to just sit there and not say a word?
If I mention it to him, not yelling remind you, I am a "nag"?

I don't strike up a conversation at the dinner table asking if he sped on his way to work today. I only bring it up if I am in the car with him. I have had a heart to heart TALK with him, away from the car, about his driving. That I am scared he will get seriously hurt or hurt someone else one day if he continues to drive fast and/or recklessly. I am not suppose to do that?

What more am I suppose to do?

I know why he hid the ticket. It wasn't some secret plot or he was scared of me He knows I am not going to beat him up. He knew he did wrong, he was/is embrassed. He knows our funds are limited and $120 WILL make things tight. I do believe he did do what he thought was best and borrow the money and work it off so I don't have to worry about it.

I am still mad he did not tell me but deep down I know WHY he did it.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

SoMad, what are you going to do?

 

[tiff211]

LOL! I laugh because I knew someone would take it as talking to a child. Trust me, I don't say "what a good boy for driving under the speed limit. I am so proud of you"

I just causally mention it. Just like I would like someone to notice if I was working hard at something. (losing weight, quitting smoking, etc) He has/had a habit of speeding, I thought it would be nice to mention I do notice he is trying.

Maybe that is wrong of me to?

I don't think so. I understand exactly what you mean.

 

[MAKmom]

So, if your husband is driving poorly, aggressively, running stop signs, etc. and you "say your peace" which I guess is "nagging" what do you do about it? Just let it go?

Now, I know this is a message board and you can't see my intent. Honestly, I'm not EVEN trying to be snarky with this question. I am honestly interested in how everyone else would handle this situation.

If your husband is exhibiting behavior that is going to cost you financially (and you're strapped) or it could endanger his life or others, exactly WHAT is the best way to approach this.

It sounds as if the OP has done both some nagging AND some heart-to-heart talks about it.

So, can we put our Dr. Phil hats on and discuss?

I think Dr. Phil would say if you really feel your life is in danger why would you EVER get in the car with him. Rolling stops are not "Running stop signs. "

Then Phil would say his driving is an area he still has power over.

Why does the Husband have to tell his wife about this? Is'nt he allowed privacy. He did not take money from his family...even if he did he works its his money too.

Does everyone here tell your husband about every thing you buy? How much it cost ect. Would you want your husband/wife/ partner to read everything you write on the Diz?

 

[RadioFanatic]

so mad, I am right there with you I would be very upset for several reasons:

1. he didn't tell me about the ticket (marriage is supposed to be built on honesty);

2. He went to MY MOTHER to ask for money for the ticket (which would bother me for several reasons - first, my mother knows something about my dh I don't know? and why is it her business to know my financial affairs); and

3. b/c of the way he's handling it, it sounds like he is pleading guilty instead of negotiating with the attorney on the case to see if it could be something that would not be points on records.

to be honest, if he had just said something, it would have probably have been done with by now.

and to also be honest, I could NEVER not say something. I would bring it up with him tonight.

and to those who says she's nagging, why is it nagging to ask someone something? I'm not going to hijack this thread, but instead start a new one re nagging v. requesting. It's a MAJOR issue I'm having with my dh too.

 

[poohandwendy]

What more am I suppose to do?

You tell him that YOU are going to drive. If he wants to take his own life in danger, fine. But you do not care to be his passenger. I did it and we are much happier. Now he will tell me what to do and I ask him if he wants to drive. Simple solution.

 

[kmp1191]

?

Now, I know this is a message board and you can't see my intent. Honestly, I'm not EVEN trying to be snarky with this question.
QUOTE]


SNARKY....as in #11, formerly #10? ....ahhh....nevermind....I think T&B and Miss Jasmine are the only one's that will know what I'm talking about...

sorry, had to go there!!

 

[poohandwendy]

I just KNEW someone was going to go there...

 

[kmp1191]

I was actually waiting for T&B, but she didn't come through for us.
Just thought I'd bring a smile here...things were getting a little rough.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

SNARKY....as in #11, formerly #10? ....ahhh....nevermind....I think T&B and Miss Jasmine are the only one's that will know what I'm talking about...

sorry, had to go there!!

 

[SoMad]

SoMad, what are you going to do?

I plan on confronting him. I don't know how yet. I have the ticket on the counter where he puts his stuff when he gets home but I don't know if I am going to leave it there.

I want to ask him why he didn't want to tell me. I know he is/was embarrassed but it would have been over and done with by now. Yes, money would have been tight BUT we would have found a way, cut back on groceries, etc.

I do want to pay my mother back the $120. I know they have an 'agreement' but I feel it is OUR problem and she will get the $120. If DH or I have to work some overtime to cover it or eat noodles for a week, then so be it.

So right now I am just thinking what I all want to say when I tell him I found the ticket.

 

[disneyfanz04]

I have to post this again because I just don't get it???

I just have one question....which I am surprised no one else has asked...

If your DH was trying to hide it from you, why in the world would he hide it in his sock drawer???? Aren't you the one that does the laundry and puts it away???