Need advice/vent...So mad at DH/Update on page 10

[Toby'sFriend]

Originally Posted by declansdad
3) I am amazed at the people who feel that you must have much deeper problems in your marriage. Pretty amazing diagnosis to make on the basis or reading a couple of paragraphs.


I am too but I choose to ignore it.

you're amazed? Please! There is nothing the DIS loves more than a good Analyze My Marriage Thread.

This sucker will be up to 20 pages by dinner.

You put it out there, people are going to run with it. Hold On!

 

[Christine]

you're amazed? Please! There is nothing the DIS loves more than a good Analyze My Marriage Thread.

This sucker will be up to 20 pages by dinner.

You put it out there, people are going to run with it. Hold On!

 

[poohandwendy]

Wow, so we've got the OP here as the bad guy.

I don't think anyone is the 'bad guy'. IMO, there is no room for righteousness in a marriage of two adults when you are talking about issues like this. Pointing out how your partner is 'stupid' in effort to shmae them into change is just as big a conscious 'mistake' as blowing through stop signs, and in my opinion just as damaging.

 

[RitaZ.]

The nagging hasn't worked, so it's time to try something else. Sit down together and tell him calmly why the ticket concerns you, that you are worried about him getting into a serious accident in which he'll hurt himself or someone else. Tell him that you see the ticket as another "warning", he really needs to think about what his reckless driving could potentially do to him, his family and other drivers out there.

I just wanted to add~ Men don't respond well to nagging, it reminds me them too much of their mothers and being a child.

Good luck!

 

[SoMad]

Wow, so we've got the OP here as the bad guy.
.

Yep, I guess so. Oh well. I can take it.

If people want to think I am a big old nag and I b*tch about everything and anything, then I can't stop them.

I am just glad to know some people do understand.

 

[goodeats]

The big problem here is that the DH doesn't feel comfortable being honest with his DW.

You need to sit down and tell your husband you found the ticket and you are concerned with why he couldn't tell you about it. I would not harp on the driving since he knows he screwed up.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

Nagging, never ever works. My DH is a VERY AGGRESSIVE driver. It drives me nuts. I don't nag him about it. We had a discussion about it, I explained I really don't care what he does when he is in his truck alone, but if I am in a vehicle with him or the kids are he better cut the crap. You know what, it worked (for the most part, he still has his moments, but at least he aplogizes now).

Whenever DH gives a ticket (which he really hates to do since he knows what an impact it can make on someone's budget), he says it is an education. For the most part, people get it when they have to cough up some dough (however, some do not).

Anyway, I would tell him I found it, but I certainly wouldn't lecture him. Chances are he feels like poopy for hiding it from you anyway. He'll probably be relieved.

 

[Christine]

The big problem here is that the DH doesn't feel comfortable being honest with his DW.

You need to sit down and tell your husband you found the ticket and you are concerned with why he couldn't tell you about it. I would not harp on the driving since he knows he screwed up.

That sounds like a good plan.

 

[MAKmom]

Wow is all I can say. I would hate to live where I had no discretionary(sp) income no wonder he hides things from mommy like a child. I can't imagine having to go to my MIL for 120 dollars so I didn't have to tell my DH something unless it was a secret surprise and i wanted to keep it hidden for a bit. I can't imagine how degrading that must have been for him.

I agree.. I feel so bad for your husband. If your Mother went along she must too.

You should post something on this thread with your real user name, or we will be able to figure out who you are.

Don't mention this to him or your mother ever. It will be the first step in changing.

 

[disneyfanz04]

I just have one question....which I am surprised no one else has asked...

If your DH was trying to hide it from you, why in the world would he hide it in his sock drawer???? Aren't you the one that does the laundry and puts it away???

I think you should just let it go...maybe the next time(if there is even a next time) he rolls through a stop sign you can say didn't you learn your lesson???

You really aren't out ANY money because your DM paid for it not you. He knows that you guys are financially trapped so he didn't want to tell you because he didn't want you to have to worry about were the money would come from to pay for it. I think your DH did what he thought was best for the family. Maybe he was going to tell you after he paid it??

 

[SoMad]

Then use that approach instead of you have been a bad boy, go with the "it's not only about money, I am really concerned that you could be hurt". Emphasize what really matters and treat him as an adult instead of a naughty child.

I have in the past and that is why I think his speeding has gotten better. I have told him I am worried he will get in a serious accident one day if it is not careful.
I have even told him recently that I noticed he is driving more within the speed limits and I thanked him for it really trying to drive safer. (See I am not a mean old nag, I can give credit where credit is due).

I haven't really "nagged" him too much over the rolling stops he has been making. I might say a comment here or there but I DO try to keep the nagging in check so sometimes I do bite my lip.

I just don't know what to do about his driving. I am just so frustrated.
Our biggest problem is not money (or lack of) or parent issues like most couple have. It really is his driving.

And yes one day I do worry that the police will knock on my door to give me the worst news possible!
If I nag it IS because I CARE

 

[Pugsley]

I don’t see this as a little “mistake.” This is a habitual problem of breaking the law, putting himself and other people at risk and at the very least throwing away money that he and his family can’t afford. And his wife is a nag if she mentions it? Wow. He may be an adult but he’s acting like a child. And so what if he is an adult? Does that mean his wife isn’t allowed to address things that he is doing wrong?

I do agree that you should speak to him calmly about it and express your disappointment that he felt the need to hide it from you.

 

[SoMad]

I just have one question....which I am surprised no one else has asked...

If your DH was trying to hide it from you, why in the world would he hide it in his sock drawer???? Aren't you the one that does the laundry and puts it away???

We do housework as it needs to be done. Sometimes he does the laundry and puts the clothes away and other times I do. So I am not surprised it was in there. It just so happens I did the laundry and put the clothes away today because I have the day off today and when I went to move the socks in the drawer to get it more neater I found the ticket.

 

[poohandwendy]

Our biggest problem is not money (or lack of) or parent issues like most couple have. It really is his driving.

He must think there are parent issues because he hid this from you and went to your mom for the money so that you would not find out.

If I nag it IS because I CARE

nagging isn't love or caring. Finding a way to talk about it without nagging is caring.

I do not think you are a horrible wife or a huge nag, but I think it sounds like you both need to learn to communicate better. That is all I think anyone is saying. Most of us have learned by experience that nagging never really produces good results. Either by being the nag or being on the receiving end. I think that is all we are tryiong to get across, not trying to make you think that you are a bad wife or whatever. Just trying to make you think about the best way to approach this, a way that benefits you both in the long run. (at least that is where I am coming from)

 

[Miss Jasmine]

Let me give you an example of nagging and my reaction to such nag:
For a few weeks, everyday DH asked me when I was getting my hair cut. I guess he didn't like I was letting it grow out some. Okay fine, tell me you don't like my hair, but don't go on about it every day. I finally told him for every day he nags me about my hair that is another week I will go without getting it cut (at this point I did want to get it trimmed but I wasn't going to let him know that). He treated me like a child, so I acted like one back.

At least he finally got the hint and shut up about my hair. I guess I need to make that appointment now.

People, nagging does not work. The nagger makes the naggee upset and want to do the opposite of what the nagger is nagging about.

Edited to add: I have no idea if the OP is nagging or not, I just felt like spouting off about nagging in general.

 

[ckret01]

I usually never get involved in these kinds of threads and am usually the first person to agree that keeping something from someone is wrong. But for some strange reason I can understand why the husband didn't go to you and tell you the truth. I would have been scared to tell you too. That says a lot that he went to your mother and borrowed money and neither of them told you (I could be wrong on that as I don't recall reading how you found out about that so sorry if I got that part wrong).

You also mentioned that

"I have even told him recently that I noticed he is driving more within the speed limits and I thanked him for it really trying to drive safer. (See I am not a mean old nag, I can give credit where credit is due). "

I see you are trying to positive reinforce good behavior but it almost sounded like you were talking to a child.

I wish you and your husband luck when you talk about this issue. hopefully it won't be that bad

 

[MO Disney cruiser]

If my DH did this, I would just put the ticket on the counter with a note that said I told you so.

No nagging, no fighting about him not telling me.

 

[Christine]

So, if your husband is driving poorly, aggressively, running stop signs, etc. and you "say your peace" which I guess is "nagging" what do you do about it? Just let it go?

Now, I know this is a message board and you can't see my intent. Honestly, I'm not EVEN trying to be snarky with this question. I am honestly interested in how everyone else would handle this situation.

If your husband is exhibiting behavior that is going to cost you financially (and you're strapped) or it could endanger his life or others, exactly WHAT is the best way to approach this.

It sounds as if the OP has done both some nagging AND some heart-to-heart talks about it.

So, can we put our Dr. Phil hats on and discuss?

 

[poohandwendy]

So, if your husband is driving poorly, aggressively, running stop signs, etc. and you "say your peace" which I guess is "nagging" what do you do about it? Just let it go?

I think that is a good question (and not at all snarky, lol). The way I would handle it is to say my piece and if he didn't make changes, whenever we went somewhere, I would grab the keys and get in the drivers seat. If he asked why I wanted to drive, I would tell him because his driving makes me uncomfortable. I would say, "I am not going to argue about, I am not your mommy, I am driving because I want to drive" If he got tickets on his own, oh well...I would just say what are you gonna do about it?

ETA...btw, I have been thorugh this, but for a different reason. My DH drives like he is a passenger and not an active participant, LOL. When he starts talking he slows down considerably, when he starts looking at all of the scenery, he slows down considerably. It drove me nuts. Solution? I drive most of the time, especially if we are in a hurry. No arguments, no nagging.

 

[Dodie]

I understand your pain, but I just can't get past the your DH doesn't have access to money without going through you. The whole post just seems like a parent-child relationship than a spousal relationship. I really am not "flaming", I just think it could explain the dynamics of what happened.

My thoughts exactly.