Need advice/vent...So mad at DH/Update on page 10

[chyam]

My opinion? Assuming your husband is a pretty good guy in other aspects, you should put the ticket back in his sock drawer and forget you ever saw it.

The guy screwed up and has found a way to take care of the issue. What exactly does it accomplish to turn this into a huge fight?

I agree 100%! I thought maybe you caught him cheating or some other terrible thing.......hey anyone of us can get a traffic ticket, it's something easily done. This is not a major thing to get upset about but apparently he just did not want to hear your lecture or whatever reason that he felt he didn't want to tell you, he paid it with no hurt to you. Is he hiding something ?yes but it is not a sin or something that will do harm to you or your family. Sometimes we have to be a little more sensitive to people, especially our family. If this is the only problem you are having in your house, be happy for others have it much worse.

 

[shortbun]

I'd give him an amnesty day and ask him to fess up without reprisal. I'd explain calmly and only once that this was a one time deal so trust could continue in your marriage. I'd ask my mom not to participate in anything like this again; I'd only ask her once and calmly too. I'd be doing some self examination about why these two felt the need to go around me. Everyone should be allowed to goof. The dishonesty is bad but it's probably because he's embarrased.

 

[SoMad]

First of all I want to clear some things up.
Money: we have ONE account. It is a checking account. We BOTH know how much is in it and what goes in and what comes out. I am the one who writes out the bills every month. We are what I would call working poor. We are struggling to keep ourselves out of debt that is another reason why we are BOTH tight with money. As far as gifts, for Valentine's day we each got $20 in cash to spend on each other. That was it.
Yes I would have noticed $120 missing from our account. Everything in our account is budget and accounted for.

Harping: I try my best not to do it but when someone does something again and again and you just know they are going to get busted for it. What am I suppose to do? I just said we do NOT have the extra money to dish out for traffic tickets so YES I remind him to obey all traffic laws because we don't have the money to pay for the ticket. If that sounds mother-like to you, well, I am sorry.
Plus like someone else mention, now our insurance may go up. More money down the tubes because he didn't obey the traffic laws.

I understand mistakes happen but this is his 3rd ticket in 5 years. The first two were from speeding and finally he has been really good about not speeding.

The last ticket he promise me he would be more careful with his driving. I am sure that is part of the reason he hid it from me.

 

[Sandy V.]

My opinion? Assuming your husband is a pretty good guy in other aspects, you should put the ticket back in his sock drawer and forget you ever saw it.

The guy screwed up and has found a way to take care of the issue. What exactly does it accomplish to turn this into a huge fight?

I agree.

I would also evaluate my own demeanor and think about WHY my husband wouldn't have told me about this in the first place. Not that he wasn't wrong to get the ticket, but he is an ADULT and your partner, and no one likes to be lectured.

It just sounds like there are bigger relationship issues that go beyond a traffic ticket that doesn't mean much of anything in the scheme of things.

 

[Christine]

Harping: I try my best not to do it but when someone does something again and again and you just know they are going to get busted for it. What am I suppose to do? I just said we do NOT have the extra money to dish out for traffic tickets so YES I remind him to obey all traffic laws because we don't have the money to pay for the ticket. If that sounds mother-like to you, well, I am sorry.
Plus like someone else mention, now our insurance may go up. More money down the tubes because he didn't obey the traffic laws.

I understand mistakes happen but this is his 3rd ticket in 5 years. The first two were from speeding and finally he has been really good about not speeding.

The last ticket he promise me he would be more careful with his driving. I am sure that is part of the reason he hid it from me.

SoMad--I am with you on this one fellow "harpy."

I can't believe all the "he made a mistake" comments on this thread. He didn't make a mistake. He HABITUALLY rolls through stop signs and he now apparently speeds. This would bug me too because, ultimately, his carelessness in his driving is going to affect you. My guess is that he definitely knows he screwed up because YOU HAVE BEEN RIGHT ALL ALONG and he doesn't want to admit that to you.

You don't say how old you are, but I can tell you, I have been married for almost 25 years. For a very long time, my DH was very immature (see my previous post about HIS driving). I swear he was close to 40 before he "got it."

 

[CathrynRose]

Harping: I just said we do NOT have the extra money to dish out for traffic tickets so YES I remind him to obey all traffic laws because we don't have the money to pay for the ticket. If that sounds mother-like to you, well, I am sorry.
Plus like someone else mention, now our insurance may go up. More money down the tubes because he didn't obey the traffic laws.

.

You didnt have to "dish" out anything - your Mom helped him out and it sounds like she also kept it from you, too. She must've known you were going to blow a gasket, too! Maybe you may not even be aware of your "harping".

And your insurance isnt going to go up - he'll probably end up with supervision.

I think you should let it go.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

Plus like someone else mention, now our insurance may go up. More money down the tubes because he didn't obey the traffic laws.

so when that happens, sit down with him and deal with the problems. Together, as joint holders of the checkbook, you will find a way to deal with the increased rates. I'm sure he will feel terrible enough about it without you having to do a single thing.

Look, this is the thing. It is $120 - not $120,000. What you do is repeat to yourself, everybody makes mistakes, nobody is perfect, everybody makes mistakes, nobody is perfect.

I've had hundreds screwups in my past 18 years of marriage where I have cost my husband at least $120. He has probably had just as many.

I would feel terrible if I had the kind of marriage where I felt like I needed to hide my faults from him, and I would feel just as terrible if I had the kind of marriage where he had to hide his from me.

 

[CathrynRose]

My guess is that he definitely knows he screwed up because YOU HAVE BEEN RIGHT ALL ALONG and he doesn't want to admit that to you.

"

???? YOU HAVE BEEN RIGHT ALL ALONG ????

I didnt know marriage was a "who's right" contest.

 

[Hannathy]

Wow is all I can say. I would hate to live where I had no discretionary(sp) income no wonder he hides things from mommy like a child. I can't imagine having to go to my MIL for 120 dollars so I didn't have to tell my DH something unless it was a secret surprise and i wanted to keep it hidden for a bit. I can't imagine how degrading that must have been for him.

 

[AtlantaSue]

I don't agree w/ pretending you don't know. I think that once you start a pattern of keeping secrets, it leads to trouble. I think that's why some of the other posts have been concerned w/ the fact that DH didn't feel like he could be honest w/ you in the first place. My advice would be for y'all to talk about it, and for you to try and avoid sounding like his mom; you can tell him how you feel and still do it in a nice way. It would be more important to me to work on keeping the lines of communication open - more important than being right about his driving skills (or lack thereof....). Good luck w/ it!

 

[salmoneous]

So, why should we "back off" of these spouses that are doing stuff like this.

Well, for starters, because it obviously doesn't work. By the time your comments have reached the point of "nagging", they've probably lost all effectiveness and may even be counterproductive. Nagging introduces bad feelings between husband and wife and leads to situations where husbands feel the need to hide things. Not good.

I'm not saying the husbands' behaviors in these situations are good either. Just that nagging isn't the way to get them to change.

 

[Christine]

???? YOU HAVE BEEN RIGHT ALL ALONG ????

I didnt know marriage was a "who's right" contest.

Of course, it's not. Sheesh. But, c'mon, let's break this down. She's out in the car with hubby, he rolls through a few stop signs. She says "hey, don't do that, you're going to get a ticket." He refuses to stop the behavior. He gets a ticket. They are out $120 bucks and possibly they will get a rate hike on their insurance if their state assesses points for this. She was right on about this one. I don't care how much harping she did, he is in the wrong on this and he owes her an apology.

 

[declansdad]

1) everyone makes mistakes and this one dosn't seem to be that big.


2) you probably should discuss it but I wouldn't do it when he comes home if you have been sitting stewing about it all day. That can only lead to trouble.


3) I am amazed at the people who feel that you must have much deeper problems in your marriage. Pretty amazing diagnosis to make on the basis or reading a couple of paragraphs.

 

[CathrynRose]

Wow is all I can say. I would hate to live where I had no discretionary(sp) income no wonder he hides things from mommy like a child. I can't imagine having to go to my MIL for 120 dollars so I didn't have to tell my DH something unless it was a secret surprise and i wanted to keep it hidden for a bit. I can't imagine how degrading that must have been for him.

No kidding. I really think it's sad.

He knows theyre broke, he knows he screwed up, he tried to fix it without her knowing so he wouldnt have to feel her "wrath" - and know she's gonna hang him by his you-know-what's for it.

 

[poohandwendy]

I agree with those who say that you should not sweat this, it is not the end of the world.

If you really want your DH to listen to him, talk to him like he is a human being you respect rather than an idiot who shows flagrant disregard for money.

More importantly than the money issues is the fact that you obviously have problems working things together as a team...as equals. IMO, you are coming off like this is a race or battlefield, let the most 'righteous' man win. It will not work in your favor in the long run.

(btw, I do understand your frustration, but shame will not bring about shame. It will just pull you further apart. I think the best thing you could do is say, "I found the ticket and I am sad that you felt you could not come to me with it. It's not the end of the world...we will get through it"

 

[CathrynRose]

They are out $120 bucks .

Theyre NOT out $120 - the MIL is, and that leads me to beleive even her own MOTHER knows what a harper/nag/whatever the OP is!

And thats not cool.

 

[SoMad]

3) I am amazed at the people who feel that you must have much deeper problems in your marriage. Pretty amazing diagnosis to make on the basis or reading a couple of paragraphs.

I am too but I choose to ignore it.
He IS a good man, doesn't hit or degrade me, is a great father, comes home to me every evening, doesn't drink/smoke/gamble, helps with ALL housework, does little things to me that lets me know he loves me.

We don't agrue about much, but one thing that we do agrue about is his driving! It is probably his biggest flaw.
I know that may not seem like much to some, but between getting tickets and my fear that he is going to get in a serious accident some day because of his reckless driving, yes it does cause some agruements time to time.

 

[poohandwendy]

Just wanted to add, if you approach this with a 'it's not the end of the world, people make mistakes" attitude, he is more likely to say "I really feel bad about it, I'm sorry"...if you berate him for it, he will just become defensive and it will make him feel even more justified in not coming to you with it, it will reinforce his belief that you are unreasonable and unapproachable when tough issues come up.

 

[Christine]

Theyre NOT out $120 - the MIL is, and that leads me to beleive even her own MOTHER knows what a harper/nag/whatever the OP is!

And thats not cool.

Wow, so we've got the OP here as the bad guy.

Is is JUST possible that she might just do a "typical" amount of nagging and the DH is just immature, went behind her back, and had his little lie of omission?

I admit that I have considered that the OP could be an ABSOLUTE shrew here and has her DH scared to death. But it could also be likely that her husband is a fool.

As far as the managing of the money and discretionary income, I don't think this is so bad. For the first 5 years of my marriage, we were absolutely dirt poor and sometimes had to borrow money to pay the heating bill. At that time, there was very little money to manage. I wrote out all the bills (like the OP), but we each went over the account and knew where it stood. There was also no money for Valetine's Day, suprise gifts, etc. Don't know why this is so hard to imagine. Now that we have good jobs and money, we both spend how we want, with the exception of large purchases.

But I've not forgotten those days when we were so lean that my DH's "mistakes" were quite catastrophic and, financially, I was terrified of some of his more stupid behaviors.

 

[poohandwendy]

I am too but I choose to ignore it.
He IS a good man, doesn't hit or degrade me, is a great father, comes home to me every evening, doesn't drink/smoke/gamble, helps with ALL housework, does little things to me that lets me know he loves me.

We don't agrue about much, but one thing that we do agrue about is his driving! It is probably his biggest flaw.
I know that may not seem like much to some, but between getting tickets and my fear that he is going to get in a serious accident some day because of his reckless driving, yes it does cause some agruements time to time.

Then use that approach instead of you have been a bad boy, go with the "it's not only about money, I am really concerned that you could be hurt". Emphasize what really matters and treat him as an adult instead of a naughty child.