Need Advice: Rules for 18 yr old.

[wenmc]

Deleted

 

[golfgal]

My DD is a 18 y.o. senior. Very VERY socialable and always has been. For years she has always had a busy social life, but does work, gets good grades and up until last week played three sports a year. She has a brand new car but pays for her own gas now. My husband has never really cared what the kids do as long as they don't get themselves into "big " trouble. (In other words, I've always been the bad guy!) My DD wants to be able to run around all the time even on school nights and I'm really not for it. I think school should still be a priority and miles on the car can be an issue. We bought it for her to last through college. Also I think she should be home more to rest and eat. What are reasonable rules?

No, not really. I guess it depends on what you mean by running around though. She is off to college soon and testing her wings. I say that as long as she keeps her grades up, what is the issue. If the car doesn't last for 4 years, you bought a bad car. There is no reason a car, even with high miles, shouldn't last 4 years. If it doesn't last, oh well, your DD will have to replace it with her own money. There is nothing wrong with saying the CAR has to be home by 10:00 on school nights though.

 

[DisneyScraps]

I would set a reasonable curfew of 11 on school nights. Don't clip her wings to much, this last year of high school is a big deal and she should be allowed to enjoy it.

Miles on the car seems like a petty thing to be worried about. You have a car, you properly maintain it and you drive it. Cars last a long time if properly cared for. Mine has over 230,000 miles, does't look it or act like it.

Lisa

 

[LuvOrlando]

I do not believe that 18 means you don't have to answer for anything. Having friends and being social is wonderful, in moderation. My big thing would be who exactly is it she is hanging out with if their families don't expect them to be in at a reasonable hour on a school night because school nights turn into work nights pretty quickly so that would be my issue.

My girlfriends and I did the HS thing but we were all in top classes so the partying had to wait for the weekends in high school. Once we graduated many of my friends went on to secretarial school while I did college so their goals were different from mine and so were their workloads once September hit. I didn't want to give up my fun times so when I went to college I took classes that didn't start until noon and some on evenings on Tuesdays & Thursdays when no-one went anywhere anyway leaving me plenty of time to study & do reports while everyone was doing their daytime stuff. This allowed me to stay out late without damaging my grades but that's not possible in HS.

What it boils down to is your DD has to figure out what sort of life & future she wants for herself. She has to make choices independent of her friends if she wants a life they might not be aiming at so that's the sort of conversation I'd be having with her. It's time to grow up.

Good luck

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My DD is a 18 y.o. senior. Very VERY socialable and always has been. For years she has always had a busy social life, but does work, gets good grades and up until last week played three sports a year. She has a brand new car but pays for her own gas now. My husband has never really cared what the kids do as long as they don't get themselves into "big " trouble. (In other words, I've always been the bad guy!) My DD wants to be able to run around all the time even on school nights and I'm really not for it. I think school should still be a priority and miles on the car can be an issue. We bought it for her to last through college. Also I think she should be home more to rest and eat. What are reasonable rules?

I do not think "miles on car" and "running around" are reasons to collar your dd.

You have allowed her "free roam" up until now and she has proven trustworthy.

What you can do is sit with her and talk. Tell her how you feel and come up with a reasonable compromise.

 

[SeaShelley]

My DD is a 18 y.o. senior. Very VERY socialable and always has been. For years she has always had a busy social life, but does work, gets good grades and up until last week played three sports a year. She has a brand new car but pays for her own gas now. My husband has never really cared what the kids do as long as they don't get themselves into "big " trouble. (In other words, I've always been the bad guy!) My DD wants to be able to run around all the time even on school nights and I'm really not for it. I think school should still be a priority and miles on the car can be an issue. We bought it for her to last through college. Also I think she should be home more to rest and eat. What are reasonable rules?

Sit down with your husband and tell him you want to establish a set of ground rules for DD. This way you are both on board. Then sit down with daughter and explain what the rules are, as well as the consequences she will face if the rules are broken. Period. The End. I understand that she's 18 and will be heading off to college soon; trying her wings, etc. However, she still lives in your home and has to abide by your rules.

As for what is reasonable?? That entirely depends on your family. There are no sets of rules that cover each and every 18 yo girl on the planet....different girls, different families, different rules.

Good luck.

 

[scrapquitler]

My DD is a 18 y.o. senior. Very VERY socialable and always has been. For years she has always had a busy social life, but does work, gets good grades and up until last week played three sports a year. She has a brand new car but pays for her own gas now. My husband has never really cared what the kids do as long as they don't get themselves into "big " trouble. (In other words, I've always been the bad guy!) My DD wants to be able to run around all the time even on school nights and I'm really not for it. I think school should still be a priority and miles on the car can be an issue. We bought it for her to last through college. Also I think she should be home more to rest and eat. What are reasonable rules?

I think a curfew on school nights is reasonable (10pm or 11pm, depending on what's going on in life and how her sleep needs are), I wouldn't be worrying that much about miles on the car...if she's a senior, a car lasting thru college is only 4 years from now, and if she's just driving locally, its not like she's racking up thousands of miles every month.

I think if her schoolwork is done and she's not too tired, its not a huge problem. Maybe mandate family dinner certain nights of the week, but I wouldn't expect my high school senior to be home for dinner every night if she had activites going on.

 

[kellyg403]

Other than being home on school nights at 10pm I really let loose the reigns in Sr. year. This was it, I had to do it more for them then me.

We always tried to be there on Wed evenings since that was dh's night off. But for the most part, after a few months, they stayed home more anyway. Weekends I didn't see much of them but during school they stayed pretty close to home.

Kelly

 

[Acklander]

I think the only rule we had was be quiet if you get in late. By senior year he was pretty much on his own. Keep in mind that by junior high we had done away with a "bedtime" and he was responsible for getting himself to bed and up on time in the morning so by senior year he was well aware of how much sleep he needed and late nights on school nights were quite rare and reserved for when something really special was going on.

 

[cabanafrau]

Making the assumption that nothing points to anything outrageous, I think it's a good time to keep a lot of slack in the rules. IMO it doesn't hurt to learn that you wind up dead dog tired if you keep burning the candle at both ends, it's tough to keep on top of the academics if you don't use your time wisely, etc.

It's better to let them fall down & learn to pick themselves back up again when the stakes aren't so high. Senior year of HS is a better time to learn some of this as opposed to charging off to college w/ a head of steam about over controlling parents & a feeling that there are no rules so anything goes.

I'm not judging OP as over controlling BTW, I'm just pointing out what goes through some kids' heads and where that can lead.

 

[Jennasis]

You want her home to rest and eat more?? Really? And putting miles on the car? Well that just sounds like you grasping at straws for reasons to keep a leash on her. Unless she's driving 100 miles a night, you're just being a bit over bearing on this one.

Define "running around"? Is she out till 2am on a school night?

I would give her a reasonable curfew on school nights (11pm perhaps) and on Friday/Saturday nights or any nights there is no school the following day, cut her loose. You may not be ready for her to fly, but she is and it isn't about you.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Well, being 18 and in college is different than being 18 and still in high school. I think, though, that since she seems responsible you should be able to sit down with her and discuss what a reasonable time to be home is. She has to be considerate of other family members.

TC

 

[LuvLDM]

It seems she has proven herself trustworthy...maintains good grades while working, playing sports & having an active social life.
Judging from your Op it seems you have done a great job raising an independent teen who is capable of organizing her time well.

Why are do you feel as though you need to tighten the leash now?

 

[minkydog]

Other than being home on school nights at 10pm I really let loose the reigns in Sr. year. This was it, I had to do it more for them then me.

We always tried to be there on Wed evenings since that was dh's night off. But for the most part, after a few months, they stayed home more anyway. Weekends I didn't see much of them but during school they stayed pretty close to home.

Kelly

This is the way it's been for us this year. DD is going to be 18 in 4 weeks and we have really relaxed the reins this year. She's finishing up her senior year, so there's a lot of stuff vying for her attention. She's learning how to keep all her balls in the air and still have a social life. Better she learns this while she's still in the bosom of her family. I think when she goes to college she will be better prepared to cope with her new freedom if she has actually *had* some freedom.

That said, we do have one rule: Be inside the house by 11pm or call & tell us where you are and when you'll be home. Let us know if you're staying over at someone else's house and when we could expect you home. So far, we haven't had a problem.

 

[shortbun]

Are these school activities or purely social ones? I think a senior who gets good grades should have unlimited activity allowance IF it's school activity. Social events could be restricted and feel free to check to make sure where she is and what she's doing. My city sets a curfew for those under 18. You could go by that during the week but be careful she doesn't explode under your control. Know when it's important and when it's not. Do you still know allher friends? Does she bring them home? Does she smell of smoke, are her eyes glazed, lids heavy, grades changing? What did you mean'until now' when you referered to her sports activity? Did she drop normal sports activity in favor of social? Does she have a boyfriend? Do you know him? I would invite her to dinner, require her to attend maybe two family dinners a week if her school schedule allows. Tell her you know she'll be leaving for college soon and that you would like her to ease into that freedom, not throw herself into it with wild abandon. A little at a time. Compromise. Good luck.

 

[katesorad]

Because she's 18, you can't really set any rules on her. However, you may set house rules.. which she may or may not choose to follow. I think you should have her curfew on school nights be 10:30 PM and on weekends, 1 AM. And I also think that EVERYONE in the household should have to follow them, not just your adult children.

That's my opinion, though.

 

[eliza61]

I have this on my refigerator door.

Rules for my kids.

1) I realize you are more independant but I do ask if you are going to be out late that you respect me enough to call and let me know. No matter how old you get, I am your mother, I still worry. Hey if it makes you feel better, I'm 50 and when I go see your grandmother, I still tell her where I'm going.

2) a Car is not a "right". You are blessed that you have access to one. You abuse that right (crash it, tickets, no maintenance) you will quickly become on a first name basis with public transportation.

3) I am not your maid and slavery was abolished a long time ago. Clean up after your own mess and wash your own clothes.

4) There are a lot of things your dad and I could do with the money we are paying in college tuition. We are doing it because we believe college is important and we believe education is the key to succeeding (haven't you heard it a zillion times from us.) we are not doing it for you to act like a park ape at college. You do that on your own dime.

5) Walk the dog, you wanted one, you got it.

6) everyone who is under this roof is to be treated with respect. If you can't do that it may be time to find your own roof.

7) We are your parents not your bff. We will discipline you and really don't care if your feelings get "hurt"

8) We love you, we will always love you. remember that when we nag you about the above rules.

Love Mom and dad.

every thing else is negotiable in my house

 

[goofy!]

My DD is a 18 y.o. senior. Very VERY socialable and always has been. For years she has always had a busy social life, but does work, gets good grades and up until last week played three sports a year. She has a brand new car but pays for her own gas now. My husband has never really cared what the kids do as long as they don't get themselves into "big " trouble. (In other words, I've always been the bad guy!) My DD wants to be able to run around all the time even on school nights and I'm really not for it. I think school should still be a priority and miles on the car can be an issue. We bought it for her to last through college. Also I think she should be home more to rest and eat. What are reasonable rules?

It's March. Isn't her senior year just about over? If you have made it this far and her behavior or grades haven't changed drastically, why would you want to implement different rules 2/3 of the way into the school year?

Is it just because you are now worried about the car mileage?

If she is getting good grades, working to pay for her gas and doesn't get in big trouble, then I would say you are doing a great job already.

You might be in for some major rebellion if you try to change the rules this late into her senior year. This is the last few months where they are going to many of their friends for possibly the last time.

 

[Pumbaa_]

It's hard having her gone all hte time isn't it?

If you feel she is gone so much, tell her why. Ask her to be home more often, you miss her and worry about her. How about if you try to plan something with her every week?

If you do decide to try to set rules this late in the game, involve her in the process. You have a young adult in your house not a child.

Sounds like she is a smart bright kid, congrats Mom, you did a great job

 

[ols386]

I have this on my refigerator door.

Rules for my kids.

1) I realize you are more independant but I do ask if you are going to be out late that you respect me enough to call and let me know. No matter how old you get, I am your mother, I still worry. Hey if it makes you feel better, I'm 50 and when I go see your grandmother, I still tell her where I'm going.

2) a Car is not a "right". You are blessed that you have access to one. You abuse that right (crash it, tickets, no maintenance) you will quickly become on a first name basis with public transportation.

3) I am not your maid and slavery was abolished a long time ago. Clean up after your own mess and wash your own clothes.

4) There are a lot of things your dad and I could do with the money we are paying in college tuition. We are doing it because we believe college is important and we believe education is the key to succeeding (haven't you heard it a zillion times from us.) we are not doing it for you to act like a park ape at college. You do that on your own dime.

5) Walk the dog, you wanted one, you got it.

6) everyone who is under this roof is to be treated with respect. If you can't do that it may be time to find your own roof.

7) We are your parents not your bff. We will discipline you and really don't care if your feelings get "hurt"

8) We love you, we will always love you. remember that when we nag you about the above rules.

Love Mom and dad.

every thing else is negotiable in my house

I like this.