Need advice... custody problems in Florida

[horseshowmom]

Sad, isn't it? This is precisely what my ex did to me. She cheated on me while I was at sea and left me for the the new "love of her life." He cheated on her after the divorce was finalized. I would call my daughter - ex would not let her come to the phone or tell me "she doesn't want to talk right now." She would cancel visitations at the last minute, then tell my daughter I did it. Letters I wrote went undelivered. All the while, she and her parents fed my dauther a steady diet of lies about what a horrible person I was, that I didn't love her, etc.

Now, she has kids of her own and we have a great relationship. DD holds up her own mother as a perfect example of what not to do. She figured out what her my ex was doing over the years. We missed out on so much, be we are making up for it now.

I'm glad things are working out now!

 

[minkydog]

Thanks everyone for your replies. My friend doesn't have an account but has read all the replies and asked me to put this:

My husband has been divorced since his son was two. We live in NJ and the child is in FL.
One time in the past we tried one trip of my husband going to visit his son.. Plane ticket, hotel (with a separate bedroom because the child "needs privacy"), 3 meals per day and some kind of entertainment daily... is astronomical! We can't afford that. Who can? Even for a weekend which is what he did ended up costing over $2000.
Our lawyer DID tell us the "age of consent" in florida is 16. A child cannot refuse visitation until then. The problem is, we have no way to fight and she knows it. If a father tried this, he'd be in jail.

I'm just curious: who moved?

 

[tw1nsmom]

Wow! I'm just amazed at some of the posts.

Assuming that the ex husband is a caring, responsible parent, regardless of parenting styles....those of you who say that you would never force your child to go see their father if they didn't want to....I'm assuming that you never make them go to school when they don't want to. I'm assuming they never need to see their grandparents if they don't want to even if it's a major family event. Vegetables? No way! They don't want to! Pay for expensive sleep-away camp with no refund and then at the last minute the child changes their mind? No problem! Just stay home. And of course, when your child does go to see their father and if they have so much fun that they never want to come back to you or visit you, you would have no problem with that either.

 

[tomthebarncat]

Wow! I'm just amazed at some of the posts.

Assuming that the ex husband is a caring, responsible parent, regardless of parenting styles....those of you who say that you would never force your child to go see their father if they didn't want to....I'm assuming that you never make them go to school when they don't want to. I'm assuming they never need to see their grandparents if they don't want to even if it's a major family event. Vegetables? No way! They don't want to! Pay for expensive sleep-away camp with no refund and then at the last minute the child changes their mind? No problem! Just stay home. And of course, when your child does go to see their father and if they have so much fun that they never want to come back to you or visit you, you would have no problem with that either.

Great post, and it really makes you wonder "who is in charge? the parent or the child?"

 

[littleitalian]

Hi, this is Cinderellassister's friend. I finally got an account so I could respond directly.

My husband is originally from NY. He met his ex-wife in Jacksonville when he was stationed there in the Navy. She didn't quite understand that you don't tell the Navy when and where to move you. She took off with his son when they were in Key West to go back home to Jacksonville. He couldn't leave. He didn't "re-up." No matter what, the marriage was over. Based upon what he was trained to do in the Navy for 10 years, the only job he could find was in NJ. He was ordered by the court to find work, fast. So after six months out of work, paying the minimum allowed by the state of child support (actually being paid by his father) he moved. He was working for Lockheed Martin at the time. It wasn't so much a "choice." But a fact of life that he had to work and support his son. If he had stayed in the navy, he would have been back to 6 month cruises, he didn't want to be away from his son for that long...he didn't realize at the time that his ex would keep him away from his son anyway.

On another note, last July 1st our insurance changed (we cover the child). We are no longer required to get primary doctor referrals to see a specialist. Two weeks after she received the email from my husband notifying her of the change, we got an email from her asking for the copay reimbursement for the psychiatrist she was taking the boy to. He was only in school a week. She said he had ADHD and was putting him on medication. But when he was here he didn't need the medication. He was always an A or B student. Now she is applying for Social Security for him because he is disabled.

Yes, he was here for spring break, it was during that visit that my husband was laid off. The visit went well. The only things the child doesn't quite like about being here are that we have some house rules that he doesn't have at home. Bedtime (he can stay up as late as he wants at home), only one snack between meals (and main meal has to be eaten to our satisfaction first), both older boys must read every day in the summer before playing (and our son is only 5), make their beds, TV time is limited and if I'm outside with the younger boys (we also have an 18 month old) he has to be too. No children in the house if all adults are outside. Or vice versa. I take everyone (or try to) for a walk everyday...sometimes to a nearby park. But his mother tells him, it's "his" summer vacation and he should be able to come and go and do as he pleases.

 

[littleitalian]

ok wow, looks like that account has been there a while...forgot I had it.

 

[tw1nsmom]

Hi, this is Cinderellassister's friend. I finally got an account so I could respond directly.

My husband is originally from NY. He met his ex-wife in Jacksonville when he was stationed there in the Navy. She didn't quite understand that you don't tell the Navy when and where to move you. She took off with his son when they were in Key West to go back home to Jacksonville. He couldn't leave. He didn't "re-up." No matter what, the marriage was over. Based upon what he was trained to do in the Navy for 10 years, the only job he could find was in NJ. He was ordered by the court to find work, fast. So after six months out of work, paying the minimum allowed by the state of child support (actually being paid by his father) he moved. He was working for Lockheed Martin at the time. It wasn't so much a "choice." But a fact of life that he had to work and support his son. If he had stayed in the navy, he would have been back to 6 month cruises, he didn't want to be away from his son for that long...he didn't realize at the time that his ex would keep him away from his son anyway.

On another note, last July 1st our insurance changed (we cover the child). We are no longer required to get primary doctor referrals to see a specialist. Two weeks after she received the email from my husband notifying her of the change, we got an email from her asking for the copay reimbursement for the psychiatrist she was taking the boy to. He was only in school a week. She said he had ADHD and was putting him on medication. But when he was here he didn't need the medication. He was always an A or B student. Now she is applying for Social Security for him because he is disabled.

Yes, he was here for spring break, it was during that visit that my husband was laid off. The visit went well. The only things the child doesn't quite like about being here are that we have some house rules that he doesn't have at home. Bedtime (he can stay up as late as he wants at home), only one snack between meals (and main meal has to be eaten to our satisfaction first), both older boys must read every day in the summer before playing (and our son is only 5), make their beds, TV time is limited and if I'm outside with the younger boys (we also have an 18 month old) he has to be too. No children in the house if all adults are outside. Or vice versa. I take everyone (or try to) for a walk everyday...sometimes to a nearby park. But his mother tells him, it's "his" summer vacation and he should be able to come and go and do as he pleases.

I really hope your DH can work things out and see his DS. Every house has different rules and children need limits and structure. However, as a parent of two 11 year olds I might revisit the rule about him being inside while you're outside with the 5 year old and 18month old. There's a world of difference between 5 and 11. He should still follow all the other rules and have screen time limited, but kids do need some responsibility and privacy at this age. Also, even though every day doesn't need to be a party, I would consider getting him involved with a rec. program while he's with you so that he has an opportunity to make friends his own age. Our area has inexpensive summer rec programs in all kinds of sports and activities. Good Luck!

 

[Tuffcookie]

I really hope your DH can work things out and see his DS. Every house has different rules and children need limits and structure. However, as a parent of two 11 year olds I might revisit the rule about him being inside while you're outside with the 5 year old and 18month old. There's a world of difference between 5 and 11. He should still follow all the other rules and have screen time limited, but kids do need some responsibility and privacy at this age. Also, even though every day doesn't need to be a party, I would consider getting him involved with a rec. program while he's with you so that he has an opportunity to make friends his own age. Our area has inexpensive summer rec programs in all kinds of sports and activities. Good Luck!

I totally agree. An 11 year old should be able to be in the house alone if you are outside with the younger ones.


TC

 

[torinsmom]

Hi, this is Cinderellassister's friend. I finally got an account so I could respond directly.

My husband is originally from NY. He met his ex-wife in Jacksonville when he was stationed there in the Navy. She didn't quite understand that you don't tell the Navy when and where to move you. She took off with his son when they were in Key West to go back home to Jacksonville. He couldn't leave. He didn't "re-up." No matter what, the marriage was over. Based upon what he was trained to do in the Navy for 10 years, the only job he could find was in NJ. He was ordered by the court to find work, fast. So after six months out of work, paying the minimum allowed by the state of child support (actually being paid by his father) he moved. He was working for Lockheed Martin at the time. It wasn't so much a "choice." But a fact of life that he had to work and support his son. If he had stayed in the navy, he would have been back to 6 month cruises, he didn't want to be away from his son for that long...he didn't realize at the time that his ex would keep him away from his son anyway.

On another note, last July 1st our insurance changed (we cover the child). We are no longer required to get primary doctor referrals to see a specialist. Two weeks after she received the email from my husband notifying her of the change, we got an email from her asking for the copay reimbursement for the psychiatrist she was taking the boy to. He was only in school a week. She said he had ADHD and was putting him on medication. .But when he was here he didn't need the medication. He was always an A or B student Now she is applying for Social Security for him because he is disabled.

Yes, he was here for spring break, it was during that visit that my husband was laid off. The visit went well. The only things the child doesn't quite like about being here are that we have some house rules that he doesn't have at home. Bedtime (he can stay up as late as he wants at home), only one snack between meals (and main meal has to be eaten to our satisfaction first), both older boys must read every day in the summer before playing (and our son is only 5), make their beds, TV time is limited and if I'm outside with the younger boys (we also have an 18 month old) he has to be too. No children in the house if all adults are outside. Or vice versa. I take everyone (or try to) for a walk everyday...sometimes to a nearby park. But his mother tells him, it's "his" summer vacation and he should be able to come and go and do as he pleases.

I am confused when you say "But when he was here he didn't need the medication. He was always an A or B student." Has he ever been to school when he was at your house? I thought he had always lived in FL? I can tell you that many kids only need the medication on school days, when they have to concentrate. I have never heard of anyone having their child on disability for ADHD. That sounds really weird, unless there are other problems.

Different rules for different houses shouldn't be a big deal. My ex and I have similar rules, but my son spends a lot of time at my sister's house and their rules are much more strict than mine. Kids learn to adapt, which is actually good for them.

I don't know what to tell you. No way from NJ can you make the child come, and short of taking her back to court, or traveling down and forcing him into the car/plane, it seems like you are stuck. If you went down there, and had the court order in hand, would law enforcement go with you to enforce it? I know you said your DH cannot take time off, but maybe it could be done on a weekend?(flying, obviously) I think ultimately, you may need to seek custody if everything you are saying is true.

 

[livie1205]

ok I am a stepmom also BUT no way should he be made to go outside EVERYTIME you take your younger child outside....its just silly,I get the other rules but my dh and I have 2 older kids 13 and 14 and a 5 yr old, you cant treat them the same as a 5 yr old...has he done something that makes you not want him inside? I just really dont get that...
The only thing you can do is file for a court date in FL. also if he is with you on school break how do you know how he does in school in Fl.? He can have ADHD and still get ok grades,not all kids with ADHD have bad grades,it does cause other problems....

 

[littleitalian]

I'm sorry, I don't spend 10 hours a day outside in the hot sun. I don't think it is a ridiculous requirement for an 11 year old to get outside in the fresh air and get some exercise and not be a hermit all summer. There are tons of kids his age in our neighborhood and he can't make friends sitting in the house and sulking.

Secondly, the one time we did allow him this priviledge, his mother tried accusing us of "leaving him alone."

We attempted sending a notarized letter to her with a copy to her attorney, attaching the copy of the court order with the visitation and the police reports we filed. We'll see if that gets us anywhere.

 

[bunkkinsmom]

I'm sorry, I don't spend 10 hours a day outside in the hot sun. I don't think it is a ridiculous requirement for an 11 year old to get outside in the fresh air and get some exercise and not be a hermit all summer. There are tons of kids his age in our neighborhood and he can't make friends sitting in the house and sulking.

Secondly, the one time we did allow him this priviledge, his mother tried accusing us of "leaving him alone."

We attempted sending a notarized letter to her with a copy to her attorney, attaching the copy of the court order with the visitation and the police reports we filed. We'll see if that gets us anywhere.

IMHO, the rules thing isn't really the issue. Every household has it's own rules and the kids in the home should abide by them. Who cares if that's the rule?

What it comes down to is there are an awful lot of kids who don't get to see their dads, or who have dads who don't want to see them. This kid has a seemingly loving dad who wants to spend time and further a bond. Send him.

We are going through something very similar with a friend of ours. He lost his job last April, his wife locked him out in November and he has been with us ever since. He has 2 girls, 8 and 11. Her excuse for leaving him was that he made her flunk her first year of law school (that HIS dad paid for). He made her flunk because they couldn't afford an apartment for her to move into by herself for the entire year so that she could study. Because, you know, law students shouldn't have to deal with jobs or kids, or family duties.

At any rate, he found out June 3 that she had gotten approved for law school in HAWAII (we live in NC), gotten an apartment, sold all of their stuff, enrolled the kids in school in Hawaii, and they moved June 11. So now his kids are thousands of miles away. Yes, he has recourse, and he is looking into those options. But on some level, his ex has told the girls that this is going to be an adventure, they are moving to paradise. So he could be stuck being the bad guy to them. At this point he is looking into legal options and educating himself, and he will continue to be here for them when they realize that Hawaii might not be all the ex has billed it to be.

Mom should be encouraging the bond, not killing it.

 

[livie1205]

There is nothing wrong with him having to go outside some..BUT you said EVERYTIME you take the little one he has to go, thats just going overboard....it will maybe cause him to resent the smaller child...of course kids should go outside...and it is not against the law to let a 11 yr old stay inside while you are outside so who cares what the mom says....good call on the letter, it may encourage her to send the child,you can always file the contempt and ask for the money you spend back when she did not send him.

 

[bunny]

I wish I could give you hope but having lived through this exact situation I can honestly say unless the boy changes his mind you are sunk. My husband's ex reconnected with her high school boyfriend and then left him taking their three small children with her. They lived in Pennsylvania. The boyfriend was in the Navy stationed in California. My husband was supposed to have custody in the summer and every other holiday. The boys came in the summer for the first few years (mainly because their mom worked and she would have needed daycare for them). They moved all over the place. Finally they got stationed in Korea. My husband went to a lawyer to try and stop that and she said judges were loathe to restrict the families of military members. We didn't see them for two years. When they finally came back, they were teens. They decided their summers were too busy. They usually came at Christmas to collect their gifts. My husband never missed a single child support payment. He called and wrote letters with very little response back.

They are grown up now, but we have very little to do with them. Our hearts and door are always open. They just grew up without us. It still hurts my husband to the core how this all played out. We spent thousands of dollars on attorney fees and basically lost every time.

To the people saying they wouldn't force the child to go how would you feel if you only saw your child a few weeks a year? How would you feel if on top of that you paid a significant portion of your income to someone else to raise your child without your input or participation? To me that is a travesty. The parent-child relationship is so much more important than sports or summer camps.

 

[Mama Who]

I can understand the child not wanting to go, but I would get on the phone as well to explain things. I would also not have my child cut off contact after that just because they did not want to go. I am sympathetic to the child but more of an explanation is owed the father by both child and the mother. It is called parenting!

I'm confused about how it's part of mom's parenting obligation to discuss the matter with dad.


I hope Mr. Italian can work things out with his kid, I really do. Heck, I wish my own kid was more interested in his biological father. When it all comes down to it, though, it's their relationship, not mine, not dad's wife's, just the two of them and they have to hash it out for themselves. Mom's parenting obligation is not to hinder but it's certainly not to try to fix it or to have long emotional conversations with her ex.

 

[Mama Who]

Wow! I'm just amazed at some of the posts.

Assuming that the ex husband is a caring, responsible parent, regardless of parenting styles....those of you who say that you would never force your child to go see their father if they didn't want to....I'm assuming that you never make them go to school when they don't want to. I'm assuming they never need to see their grandparents if they don't want to even if it's a major family event. Vegetables? No way! They don't want to! Pay for expensive sleep-away camp with no refund and then at the last minute the child changes their mind? No problem! Just stay home. And of course, when your child does go to see their father and if they have so much fun that they never want to come back to you or visit you, you would have no problem with that either.

I imagine most custodial parents fight enough fights with their kids. After being the bad guy on squash, geometry and getting up early on Saturday to go visit grandma maybe mom feels like it's dad's turn to do the fighting since after all, he's the only parent benefiting from this?

 

[torinsmom]

I imagine most custodial parents fight enough fights with their kids. After being the bad guy on squash, geometry and getting up early on Saturday to go visit grandma maybe mom feels like it's dad's turn to do the fighting since after all, he's the only parent benefiting from this?

This is true for me but b/c the ex and I live in the same state, he has an easier time doing the fighting when he needs to. I feel bad for this situation, but the mom did not move the child away from the dad. I know there was a job situation, but I have to be honest that I would NEVER move away from my child and I would do anything in my power to keep my ex from moving the child away if he had custody. And if that didn't work, I would move myself. I'd work at McD's if I had to. I know a lot of people do the long distance thing, but I couldn't deal with seeing my child 2 times/year. My ex has wanted to move to Nashville forever, but he doesn't b/c of the kids.

 

[Mkrop]

I'm confused about how it's part of mom's parenting obligation to discuss the matter with dad. I hope Mr. Italian can work things out with his kid, I really do. Heck, I wish my own kid was more interested in his biological father. When it all comes down to it, though, it's their relationship, not mine, not dad's wife's, just the two of them and they have to hash it out for themselves. Mom's parenting obligation is not to hinder but it's certainly not to try to fix it or to have long emotional conversations with her ex.

Because she created this child with dad. She signed custody agreements with dad. It is her obligation as his parent to make sure the child is where it says he is going to be or if not then she owes the other parent some explanation.

It gets really old to hear that one parent wont or cant speak to the other parent.

I have tons of friends who are divorced, do they like dealing with their ex, NO, but do they, and do they make those phone calls, YES, because they are both parents and that is what is in the child's best interest. If she feels that it is in the child's best interest to stay in FL, then she should pick up the darn phone and explain that.

DH coaches LL, and we have had many divorced parents who cant communicate over whether their child will make it to a game or not. We are willing to have both emails, but we are not going to keep track of your custody agreement. If it isnt mom's weekend, and she cant tell us if Johnny will be there to pitch, and SCREAMS at us to call his father. That is NOT parenting. This happens quite frequently. I finally asked my divorced friends if we were handling it wrong and they said no. The parent should be the bigger person and get on the phone or text and get the message.


Also to msitalian, making a 11 year go outside everytime seems a bit much. I am all for excersise and playing with siblings and neighborhood kids but some kids just need downtime too.

 

[Mama Who]

Because she created this child with dad. She signed custody agreements with dad. It is her obligation as his parent to make sure the child is where it says he is going to be or if not then she owes the other parent some explanation.

It gets really old to hear that one parent wont or cant speak to the other parent.

She owes him notice: "Billy says he's not coming." but I don't see how her parenting obligation extends to explaining why Billy doesn't want to see Dad. It is in the child's best interests for Mom to allow Dad access and contact and then to get out of the way and let them sort out their relationship without interference.

Dad isn't some random guy, he's a parent. As a parent he has the right to manage his own issues with his son. For Mom to get too heavily involved in explaining things robs Dad of one of his limited opportunities to be a parent. I would say that beyong telling him not to be waiting at the airport Mom not only has no responsibility to get involved, maybe she has no right.

I don't refuse to speak to my kid's dad but I certainly arrange my life so I do it as little as possible. It's one of the best things about not being Mrs. Him. When I stopped taking responsibility for his relationship with our son my life got a lot nicer and the two of them came to a peaceful resolution. Best thing I could do was to butt out.

 

[MichelleVW]

Yes, he was here for spring break, it was during that visit that my husband was laid off. The visit went well. The only things the child doesn't quite like about being here are that we have some house rules that he doesn't have at home. Bedtime (he can stay up as late as he wants at home), only one snack between meals (and main meal has to be eaten to our satisfaction first), both older boys must read every day in the summer before playing (and our son is only 5), make their beds, TV time is limited and if I'm outside with the younger boys (we also have an 18 month old) he has to be too. No children in the house if all adults are outside. Or vice versa. I take everyone (or try to) for a walk everyday...sometimes to a nearby park. But his mother tells him, it's "his" summer vacation and he should be able to come and go and do as he pleases.

With those rules I wouldn't have wanted to leave all my friends for the entire summer either at 11. Sounds like you treat him like a 5 year old. Mealtime "must be eaten to your satisfaction" seriously, I don't understand why people put so much control over food. He has to go outside when you go outside?? I'm sorry, but that's just nuts..

Expecting him to come for the entire summer is just ridiculous. My girls enjoy seeing their dad in the summer, but they never wanted to go for more than 4-5 weeks at a time because they missed too much of the summer that way.