narcissistic personality disorder - how to deal with someone who has it

[MushyMushy]

I am so sorry you have to go through this with your mother! I didn't know what it was and looked it up and I can't help but wonder if one of my friends is going through this now. She's always been a bit self absorbed to a small degree, but these past several months, she's completely out of control with it. She thinks every man who even looks at her is in love with her or has been in love with her at some point, and she thinks she is more special to these men than even the wives in their lives. Everything is about her and her many needs and she is desperate to be the center of attention. And this woman has always been so generous, caring and giving. I'm truly worried about her!

I've been begging her to get help, but she says "my friends are my therapy" and most of us are just at our wits' ends with her!

Anyway, sorry to chip in like this, but I just wanted to thank you for bringing this up. I know it's different going through it with a friend and not a mother, but this woman is like a sister to me. We've been friends our whole lives.

 

[SereneOne]

Haven't read the entire thread, but one of the best books on this in my opinion, is "Malignant Self Love" by Sam Rankin. Excellent book!

Another book I might recommend although I can't remember the author, is "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy". Best of luck!

 

[michellev]

Yes, I have advice on how to deal with someone like this however you are going to have to change what you want.

What you do is toss your "wants" out the window. Your focus becomes having a good day or visit.

Do not focus on the "relationship" piece as whole as that is something that is overwhelming and probably not realistic.

Start with small visits, limit them, if you can. If she is in a bad stretch do not push and stay away from her esp. with kids in tow.

Learn how to look at her as a someone who is mentally ill and incapable of feeling empathy towards anyone. This is probably my best advice to you. Over time you can learn to not take her "speeches" personally.

One trick we have used is to view the person as a stranger. This takes alot of practice but it does get easier.

Learn how to lie effectively. Now while this sounds heinous, I mean it in the sense that when you feel that the situation is going south or you are feeling like you are going to implode/deeply in pain, you need to have a plan to "lie" to leave the situation. Leave on good terms.

Learn how to hold your personal info to yourself. Your mother is not the person you share it with. This will be the hardest thing you will have to do. I know you want to "have a regular mom/grandma" however that is not possible. If you want to share info you have to do it at the risk of being hurt. So if you want to maintain contact you must work with what you got. You can work up to it, but it takes awhile.

It takes a great amount of willpower to maintain contact with someone mentally unbalanced.

Good news is you become stronger. Bad news is you find out that you can't have what you "want" but you can maybe get what you "need" (to quote the 'Stones' ).

Anyway, those are techniques I use on some of my family. My MIL is schizophrenic and my father not quite a narcissist, but he is more of a selfish person.

This is a great post! We do all of these things with my MIL. After every half decent visit we will say "That was a good visit" and celebrate it. If it wasn't a good visit (the majority of the time), we find things we can laugh about in what she did. Her criticisms have become so predictable that they are sometimes humourous now.

My DH was a lot like Wishing's DH when we met. The first several years of our relationship when we fought, it was always about his mother. He just didn't see what was happening. After getting some distance from her, he finally began to see her how she truly is.

The book was really helpful to me in understanding my DH and his issues. My friends would say it was surprising he was so normal considering his upbringing, but really he does have some (well hidden) issues and the book is helping me to understand them. I highly recommend it.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I thought about that too but she has been like this for years. It has just taken me this long to be done with it. At first you could tolerate it because well, whatever. But she is mentally ill, I have no doubt about that. She always has been. Has/had anorexia all my life and is obsessed with her weight. When I was a kid she just would not eat at all, now she just talks about her weight non-stop and will go through bouts of not eating. Like when the Wii game told her that her BMI was high, she stopped eating for like 2 weeks.

Kristine

NPD has some distinct characteristics.

I believe sometimes we are quick to label someone when we can't figure out why they do what they do. Your mother does have an illness--but I can't say that it is NPD. Eating Disorders are huge crosses to bear (if that is what she has)--and that can mess with her brain.

I have a stepmother who MIGHT be NPD--but then again, she could just be rude. Who knows???

Narcissists don't necessarily worry about their weight (That I know of)--they would think they are perfect and worthy of admiration and can do no wrong:

From the mayo clinic (first 2 quotes)

rcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. They believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

Narcissistic personality disorder is one of several types of personality disorders. Personality disorders are conditions in which people have traits that cause them to feel and behave in socially distressing ways, limiting their ability to function in relationships and in other areas of their life, such as work or school. In particular, narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by dramatic, emotional behavior, in the same category as histrionic, antisocial and borderline personality disorders. Narcissistic personality disorder treatment is centered around psychotherapy.


© 1998-2009 Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research (MFMER).

Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms may include:

■Believing that you're better than others
■Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
■Exaggerating your achievements or talents
■Expecting constant praise and admiration
■Believing that you're special
■Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
■Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
■Taking advantage of others
■Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
■Being jealous of others
■Believing that others are jealous of you
■Trouble keeping healthy relationships
■Setting unrealistic goals
■Being easily hurt and rejected
■Having a fragile self-esteem
■Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional
Although some features of narcissistic personality disorder may seem like having confidence or strong self-esteem, it's not the same. Narcissistic personality disorder crosses the border of healthy confidence and self-esteem into thinking so highly of yourself that you put yourself on a pedestal. In contrast, people who have healthy confidence and self-esteem don't value themselves more than they value others.

When you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You often monopolize conversations. You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior. You may have a sense of entitlement. And when you don't receive the special treatment to which you feel entitled, you may become very impatient or angry. You may also seek out others you think have the same special talents, power and qualities — people you see as equals. You may insist on having "the best" of everything — the best car, athletic club, medical care or social circles, for instance.

But underneath all this grandiosity often lies a very fragile self-esteem. You have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism. You may have a sense of secret shame and humiliation. And in order to make yourself feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and efforts to belittle the other person to make yourself appear bett

According to the DSM-IV-TR, a patient must exhibit five or more of the following traits in order to be diagnosed with NPD:

Read more: http://narcissistic-personality.sui...narcissistic_disorder_diagnosis#ixzz0O9pQuZNT

It sucks when family members seem self absorbed and clueless that they are ignoring us.

But when it comes to psychological/psychiatric issues--it isn't just "one" trait that makes a diagnosis--it is a collection of traits.

This is why it is difficult for me to claim my stepmom is a narcisssist. She has those tendencies--but she doesn't have 5 of them. She might have two and those two aren't strong enough to say she has NPD. It's enough to say that she's a walking oxymoron of complete rudeness. (She quotes Miss MANNERS ad nauseum but fails to see her shortcomings in that area!)


The best thing for people "like that" is to assert your boundaries--you have them, don't let them cross. My step mother is kept a safe distance away, I do not converse with her and I am on high alert when she's about to assert rudeness with my children.

I can't changer her---I can only allow her to not affect me like she has in the past.

She does try--a little--to not be that way. But unfortunately the lesson gets lost over time and she goes back to her old ways.

However--I do believe that she suffers from INCREDIBLY low self esteem. She has counterbalanced that academically. She has a PhD and she is well versed in the "book knowledge" of her area of expertise. (She just wrote a book that is being published--even!)

I call what she does "peacocking"--when she's feeling inferior--she will draw on her "jeopardy" knowledge and begin throwing out trivia that noone cares about. That is how she makes herself feel better.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

One trick we have used is to view the person as a stranger. This takes alot of practice but it does get easier.
......Anyway, those are techniques I use on some of my family. My MIL is schizophrenic and my father not quite a narcissist, but he is more of a selfish person.

So I've tried this technique and have come to the conclusion if my step-mother were a stranger I'd run far and long in the opposite direction if I ran into her on the street.

Your description sounds of your dad sounds like my dad and step-mom.

Though they try--but the things they try seem so "tokenish" like they have a hidden tally board somewhere where they check off "did something nice", "gave a quarter to a homeless person".

Hard to explain--i.e the stuff they do is wayyyy to mechanical to believe they enjoy doing nice things for other people.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I humbly stand corrected.


An anorexic can be a narcissist--who knew?

Anyway here is an interesting article discusing the various disorders that my accompnay anorexia or bulimia. It might be worth a read to see if you notice any other traits.


http://adam.about.com/reports/000049_1.htm
http://ezinearticles.com/?Eating-Disorders-and-the-Narcissist&id=19592


a study: http://www3.interscience.wiley.com/journal/49774/abstract?CRETRY=1&SRETRY=0

HTH!

I wish I had the answers in my own life. I much prefer the avoidance approach to people with questionable personalities myself.

 

[hanutedmansionmomma]

In my situation, I use the person in question as an example of how I don't want to be as a parent. I think it's made me a better person and parent.

As far as contact with them, it's very limited. Don't beat yourself up about how things have to be a certain way just because they have a "title" (mom, dad, grandma, sister, etc). I think we all watch too much tv! Grandmas don't open the door with an apron on with a plate of cookies, seriously. And if some do, it's SOME. not all. Don't be sad about not having that, not everyone does!

I try to think of if this person was a stranger too. Would you let some stranger who talked to you/treated you badly in Walmart call you all day? Come over all the time? uh, no.

Get hobbies, get a job, move a little bit away if you need to. Be busy and productive and help make the world a better place - all the things we know those people in our lives aren't doing.

Try not to get dragged down!

 

[connorlevismom]

NPD has some distinct characteristics.

I believe sometimes we are quick to label someone when we can't figure out why they do what they do. Your mother does have an illness--but I can't say that it is NPD. Eating Disorders are huge crosses to bear (if that is what she has)--and that can mess with her brain.

I have a stepmother who MIGHT be NPD--but then again, she could just be rude. Who knows???

Narcissists don't necessarily worry about their weight (That I know of)--they would think they are perfect and worthy of admiration and can do no wrong:

From the mayo clinic (first 2 quotes)









It sucks when family members seem self absorbed and clueless that they are ignoring us.

But when it comes to psychological/psychiatric issues--it isn't just "one" trait that makes a diagnosis--it is a collection of traits.

This is why it is difficult for me to claim my stepmom is a narcisssist. She has those tendencies--but she doesn't have 5 of them. She might have two and those two aren't strong enough to say she has NPD. It's enough to say that she's a walking oxymoron of complete rudeness. (She quotes Miss MANNERS ad nauseum but fails to see her shortcomings in that area!)


The best thing for people "like that" is to assert your boundaries--you have them, don't let them cross. My step mother is kept a safe distance away, I do not converse with her and I am on high alert when she's about to assert rudeness with my children.

I can't changer her---I can only allow her to not affect me like she has in the past.

She does try--a little--to not be that way. But unfortunately the lesson gets lost over time and she goes back to her old ways.

However--I do believe that she suffers from INCREDIBLY low self esteem. She has counterbalanced that academically. She has a PhD and she is well versed in the "book knowledge" of her area of expertise. (She just wrote a book that is being published--even!)

I call what she does "peacocking"--when she's feeling inferior--she will draw on her "jeopardy" knowledge and begin throwing out trivia that noone cares about. That is how she makes herself feel better.

I totally get what your saying. However, in looking at your list, my mother has 11 of those traits. 11 is a lot.

Kristine