narcissistic personality disorder - how to deal with someone who has it

[connorlevismom]

Best I can tell, my mother has this and it is going to ruin our relationship. I cannot take her anymore. She is just the type of person that cannot get enough of herself and cannot stop talking about herself. She can take any old conversation and turn it into something about herself.

For example:

I was talking to her the other day and told her about the low fluid thing. Instead of being concerned about me, she starts telling me that she must have had that too. Why you ask? Because most of the weight you lose after giving birth is fluid and she never lost all her baby weight after she had all of us kids. Thus, she must have had low fluid because that would explain everything about her lack of weight loss. She only lost what we as babies weighed and this MUST be the explanation why. She just went on and on about it. It was so frustrating.

Yesterday she calls me and starts telling me what a great mother she was and that she hopes her kids wake up and realize was a great mother she was. My mother was NOT a great mom, I would have a hard time saying that she was a good mom most of the time. But she is always telling us what a great mom she was, it is so freakin annoying!


Any advice on how to deal with this type of person? She is my mom and I want my kids to have a relationship with her. She is a good grandma to her grandkids, for the most part. She is old and will not be around much longer and I want to have a relationship with her. However, I just can't take it anymore. My sisters are feeling the exact same way.

Kristine

 

[JCJRSmith]

Any advice on how to deal with this type of person?
Kristine

Scotch.

Ok, sorry about that. No advice, just a hope that it gets better.

 

[GRUMPY PIRATE]

Best I can tell, my mother has this and it is going to ruin our relationship. I cannot take her anymore. She is just the type of person that cannot get enough of herself and cannot stop talking about herself. She can take any old conversation and turn it into something about herself.

For example:

I was talking to her the other day and told her about the low fluid thing. Instead of being concerned about me, she starts telling me that she must have had that too. Why you ask? Because most of the weight you lose after giving birth is fluid and she never lost all her baby weight after she had all of us kids. Thus, she must have had low fluid because that would explain everything about her lack of weight loss. She only lost what we as babies weighed and this MUST be the explanation why. She just went on and on about it. It was so frustrating.

Yesterday she calls me and starts telling me what a great mother she was and that she hopes her kids wake up and realize was a great mother she was. My mother was NOT a great mom, I would have a hard time saying that she was a good mom most of the time. But she is always telling us what a great mom she was, it is so freakin annoying!


Any advice on how to deal with this type of person? She is my mom and I want my kids to have a relationship with her. She is a good grandma to her grandkids, for the most part. She is old and will not be around much longer and I want to have a relationship with her. However, I just can't take it anymore. My sisters are feeling the exact same way.

Kristine

(new rule)

well, I think you explained a LOT about some posters here!!
hehehehehhehehehe

Is it possibly that it is beginning alzheimers?

I know a family friend that any conversation you started, a word or phrase would set him off on remembering things about himself from years ago. kinda sad really. He had no concept that the conversation was not about him.

 

[legalsea]

Best I can tell, my mother has this and it is going to ruin our relationship. I cannot take her anymore. She is just the type of person that cannot get enough of herself and cannot stop talking about herself. She can take any old conversation and turn it into something about herself.

For example:

I was talking to her the other day and told her about the low fluid thing. Instead of being concerned about me, she starts telling me that she must have had that too. Why you ask? Because most of the weight you lose after giving birth is fluid and she never lost all her baby weight after she had all of us kids. Thus, she must have had low fluid because that would explain everything about her lack of weight loss. She only lost what we as babies weighed and this MUST be the explanation why. She just went on and on about it. It was so frustrating.

Yesterday she calls me and starts telling me what a great mother she was and that she hopes her kids wake up and realize was a great mother she was. My mother was NOT a great mom, I would have a hard time saying that she was a good mom most of the time. But she is always telling us what a great mom she was, it is so freakin annoying!


Any advice on how to deal with this type of person? She is my mom and I want my kids to have a relationship with her. She is a good grandma to her grandkids, for the most part. She is old and will not be around much longer and I want to have a relationship with her. However, I just can't take it anymore. My sisters are feeling the exact same way.

Kristine

Well, has she always been this way? I can't help but think that you are talking about a new development in her personality; I mean, if she had this disorder all of your life you probably would have figured out the best way to deal with such a person (listen and tune out is what I do).

If it is more recent, it may well be developing dementia or such. Good luck.

 

[connorlevismom]

(new rule)

well, I think you explained a LOT about some posters here!!
hehehehehhehehehe

Is it possibly that it is beginning alzheimers?

I know a family friend that any conversation you started, a word or phrase would set him off on remembering things about himself from years ago. kinda sad really. He had no concept that the conversation was not about him.

I thought about that too but she has been like this for years. It has just taken me this long to be done with it. At first you could tolerate it because well, whatever. But she is mentally ill, I have no doubt about that. She always has been. Has/had anorexia all my life and is obsessed with her weight. When I was a kid she just would not eat at all, now she just talks about her weight non-stop and will go through bouts of not eating. Like when the Wii game told her that her BMI was high, she stopped eating for like 2 weeks.

Kristine

 

[GRUMPY PIRATE]

I thought about that too but she has been like this for years. It has just taken me this long to be done with it. At first you could tolerate it because well, whatever. But she is mentally ill, I have no doubt about that. She always has been. Has/had anorexia all my life and is obsessed with her weight. When I was a kid she just would not eat at all, now she just talks about her weight non-stop and will go through bouts of not eating. Like when the Wii game told her that her BMI was high, she stopped eating for like 2 weeks.

Kristine

well, its better to know than to guess.

Get in contact with some social services/medical services and get her evaluated. Its then a lot eaiser to deal with it, if you know what the problem is. It could be something simple as chemical imbalance, or something more long term.

(DISCLAIMER: NOT a medical professional and not a mental health expert, just had to deal with unbalanced people throughout my life)

 

[Wishing on a star]

OMG.....

My inlaws (MIL) is this way.

Now, it is NOT my mother, so I don't have all the emotional baggage and scars.... I can just roll my eyes and let it roll like water off a duck's back... She is what she is...

I know that it is just NOT that easy for you!!!!
You want her to be the parent that you have needed.
And, while one should just let go of that, it is not that easy.

There was a recent thread where somebody posted that they had found an excellent book.... Goodness, I wish I could remember the title... because I wanted to read it for insight into my husband, his relationship with his parents.

I think it may have been something like, children or child of the self absorbed..?????

Maybe I will do some searches.

 

[Liberty Belle]

well, its better to know than to guess.

Get in contact with some social services/medical services and get her evaluated. Its then a lot eaiser to deal with it, if you know what the problem is. It could be something simple as chemical imbalance, or something more long term.

(DISCLAIMER: NOT a medical professional and not a mental health expert, just had to deal with unbalanced people throughout my life)

Good luck with that. It sounds like her mother would probably not agree to it and then it's very difficult.

 

[connorlevismom]

well, its better to know than to guess.

Get in contact with some social services/medical services and get her evaluated. Its then a lot eaiser to deal with it, if you know what the problem is. It could be something simple as chemical imbalance, or something more long term.

(DISCLAIMER: NOT a medical professional and not a mental health expert, just had to deal with unbalanced people throughout my life)

I wish it were that easy. My mother does not agree with the idea of "telling a stranger her problems" "family issues stay with family" are two of the things I hear her say over and over. Myself and some of my siblings have seen psycologists for different reasons and she just does not get it or agree with it. To her, it is like admitting there is something wrong with you and THAT is not acceptable to her.

Kristine

 

[Wishing on a star]

I just searched, and I think that I remembered it right...
I think I saw something about a second edition or something, so you might want to make sure that you are ordering the latest version if you order this.

Here is a link:
www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorb...=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1250192995&sr=1-1

PS: No, the OP does not need a professional diagnosis for her mother. (It is also not up to her to 'fix' her mother)

 

[Wishing on a star]

I wish it were that easy. My mother does not agree with the idea of "telling a stranger her problems" "family issues stay with family" are two of the things I hear her say over and over. Myself and some of my siblings have seen psycologists for different reasons and she just does not get it or agree with it. To her, it is like admitting there is something wrong with you and THAT is not acceptable to her.

Kristine

TYPICAL firewall (self protective/denial) behavior from a person like this who knows their behavior is not acceptable and that it may be troubling/hurtful to others.

 

[connorlevismom]

OMG.....

My inlaws (MIL) is this way.

Now, it is NOT my mother, so I don't have all the emotional baggage and scars.... I can just roll my eyes and let it roll like water off a duck's back... She is what she is...

I know that it is just NOT that easy for you!!!!
You want her to be the parent that you have needed.
And, while one should just let go of that, it is not that easy.

There was a recent thread where somebody posted that they had found an excellent book.... Goodness, I wish I could remember the title... because I wanted to read it for insight into my husband, his relationship with his parents.

I think it may have been something like, children or child of the self absorbed..?????

Maybe I will do some searches.

I just searched, and I think that I remembered it right...
I think I saw something about a second edition or something, so you might want to make sure that you are ordering the latest version if you order this.

Here is a link:
www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorb...=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1250192995&sr=1-1

PS: No, the OP does not need a professional diagnosis for her mother. (It is also not up to her to 'fix' her mother)

Thank you so much for the link. I am going to take a look at that book for sure.

Your right, it is not easy at all. I do want her to be the mother I always wanted. I look at other women and their mothers and wish I had that relationship with my mom. My mom would never dream of calling one of her kids up and asking them out to lunch to catch up with them. To be honest, I don't even know that she really cares what goes on in our lives. If it has nothing to do with her, she really does not care.

Kristine

 

[Wishing on a star]

Thanks Kristine,

It sounds like you know enough about this 'issue' to know that a person with this kind of Narcissism just has no room or capability to care for others... It is all about them...

And, it is the apparent 'lack of caring' from ones parent that can cause all kinds of issues and defense mechanisms in their daughters and son's. That is HURTFUL.

When I just looked at your original post, I read this...
OMG, this just sounds CLASSIC.

Yesterday she calls me and starts telling me what a great mother she was and that she hopes her kids wake up and realize was a great mother she was. My mother was NOT a great mom....

I do know that my inlaws (now just my MIL) have been completely self absorbed.... I am now beginning to see more of how this has affect my husband and my marriage. The effects are just untold.

Maybe this book, or others shown as recommended, will be helpful!

I was just reading thru the reviews there on Amazon, and just reading them was kind of enlightening.

 

[Disney Doll]

In your past dealings with psychologists/counselors, did you ever do any "work" on yourself with regard to dealing with your self-absorbed mother, or were you working on other issues?

Because now may be the time to go back for some mental health work on this issue...for you, not for her. Her, you're not going to change, so you need to figure out how to deal with it. If your mother is going to give you a hard time about it, then don't tell her.

 

[Kay1]

See, I think she sounds like my m-i-l and s-i-l who I think have Histrionic Personality Disorders. They just have to be the center of attention or they can't stand it.

I wish you luck.

 

[yoopermom]

At the risk of sounding like the desiderata, I do think there are things you can change and things you can't, and sometimes it's hard to know the difference. You can't change her, you can only change how often you're around her, and how you react to her. Not easy, I know. Is it possible that you might have another older female in your life who you could "lean on", like an auntie or even a family friend? In the olden days all the women of the community would help protect and tend to the pregnant ones/young mothers, and it sounds like you could use a little. (And I don't think we DISers count, even though we think we do.)



Terri

 

[michellev]

I am currently reading the book mentioned in the link. I bought it after someone mentioned it on here. My MIL is a classic narcissist. The book (so far, I'm not finished yet) is really helpful. It not only helped me to understand my MIL, but also some issues that my DH has. You develop a lost of defense mechanisms growing up in such an unhealthy environment. The book has a lot of great advice on how to make your relationship with a narcissistic parent more bearable.

I've always think I can change my MIL and it really helped me to understand that there is nothing I can do to change her. What I need to change is how I react to her. I'm working on that one. It's not easy.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hello!

Me again, with the narcissist inlaws....
It was never that I thought I could 'change' my inlaws.
I guess I was just younger and more naive than I realized when I met and married DH. I thought I could work my way into the inlaws good graces... But, of course, as 'I' myself represented something that was not 'all about them' in my husbands life, that was not to be. I suffered a lot of their covert, and some more obvious and blatant slings and arrows. Realizing that THEN would have saved me years of heartache and grief!!!

My DH, being the product of two narcissist parents, and still being young and unlightened, had bought their narcissism hook line and sinker. His parents (especially his dad) were like god. I had to take all the classic negative slings and arrows without my husband even being aware of it... I, in fact, was 'expected' to also bow down to his parents.

This worked as long as we lived a few hours away, and before our son came along. After years of needless hurt and frustration and tears, things came to a head, and I was able to see these issues, and to say 'NO more'. While my husband's eyes were beginning to open, I have to say that I felt that I was actually putting my marriage on the line when I had that come-to-jesus talk with my husband, establishing my boundaries.

So, yes, these issues have affected my marriage.

My husband does now clearly see his parents as narcissist.... But I have to say that there are still underlying issues that have affected his behaviors and our relationship.

Seeing this picture even more clearly and more broadly, I think, will help me to understand and deal with these things in a much better way.

Do you think that the book will be helpful to me as wife of an adult who has survived narcissistic parents? I am hoping so!

I have probably already learned thru my own experiences how it is recommended to handle these kinds of people, like my inlaws.... Very strong boundaries... Do not 'engage'.... etc... OMG, I have had that down to a 'T', that 'mode' that you go into.... It is to the point now, where I can just roll my eyes (not actually visibly, of course) and let this stuff roll right off me.

But, now it is how to improve my relationship with my husband that I might benefit from some more insight.

 

[Poohbear123]

I have a friend like this and calls me crying and saying "why am I alone?" The kids left and went to live with thier father, due to the fact she would "campare them TO the Father, and have strict rules" in her house, where the Father would say "come as you go..."Hmmm.... and she wonders why....

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Any advice on how to deal with this type of person? She is my mom and I want my kids to have a relationship with her. She is a good grandma to her grandkids, for the most part. She is old and will not be around much longer and I want to have a relationship with her. However, I just can't take it anymore. My sisters are feeling the exact same way.

Kristine

Yes, I have advice on how to deal with someone like this however you are going to have to change what you want.

What you do is toss your "wants" out the window. Your focus becomes having a good day or visit.

Do not focus on the "relationship" piece as whole as that is something that is overwhelming and probably not realistic.

Start with small visits, limit them, if you can. If she is in a bad stretch do not push and stay away from her esp. with kids in tow.

Learn how to look at her as a someone who is mentally ill and incapable of feeling empathy towards anyone. This is probably my best advice to you. Over time you can learn to not take her "speeches" personally.

One trick we have used is to view the person as a stranger. This takes alot of practice but it does get easier.

Learn how to lie effectively. Now while this sounds heinous, I mean it in the sense that when you feel that the situation is going south or you are feeling like you are going to implode/deeply in pain, you need to have a plan to "lie" to leave the situation. Leave on good terms.

Learn how to hold your personal info to yourself. Your mother is not the person you share it with. This will be the hardest thing you will have to do. I know you want to "have a regular mom/grandma" however that is not possible. If you want to share info you have to do it at the risk of being hurt. So if you want to maintain contact you must work with what you got. You can work up to it, but it takes awhile.

It takes a great amount of willpower to maintain contact with someone mentally unbalanced.

Good news is you become stronger. Bad news is you find out that you can't have what you "want" but you can maybe get what you "need" (to quote the 'Stones' ).

Anyway, those are techniques I use on some of my family. My MIL is schizophrenic and my father not quite a narcissist, but he is more of a selfish person.