Nanny / Caregiver Issue

[Pea-n-Me]

A spoonful of sugar! lol

I agree. It's easy to idealize someone who was such a savior during what was no doubt a super difficult time. Had she stayed, there would not doubt be flaws creeping through.

 

[sk!mom]

Stop comparing your situation to other people's. 1) You have to do what is right for you. 2) People lie. A lot.

People are going to make it seem as if their situation/help/kid/stroller is perfect, or at least better than yours.

This is very good advice. As to people lying, I would point out that in many cases they aren't lying so much as choosing to focus on the positives.

Speaking and dwelling on negativity serves to make it grow in importance and you become dissatisfied. For instance, were there a few small negatives to the longtime caregiver I settled on for my DD19, sure, but overall she was an excellent caregiver. When friends asked, I never mentioned that it drove me nuts that she spoke really loudly. It was a petty annoyance that I wisely overlooked.

OP, I've said from the beginning that you should replace the nanny but for your own peace of mind- make a list of must haves and deal breakers, find a good fit, and then focus on what you like rather than small things that annoy you- setting up a humidifier, needing help understanding the stroller.

Do people lie sometimes to make themselves look better? Absolutely, but often they're making themselves feel better by focusing on the positives.

 

[mommysaurus]

A spoonful of sugar! lol

I agree. It's easy to idealize someone who was such a savior during what was no doubt a super difficult time. Had she stayed, there would not doubt be flaws creeping through.

Lol! Someone is losing their job if my son is getting a spoonful of sugar with his medicine. That's why they flavor that stuff now.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

This is very good advice. As to people lying, I would point out that it many cases they aren't lying so much as choosing to focus on the positives.

Speaking and dwelling on negativity serves to make it grow in importance and you become dissatisfied. For instance, were there a few small negatives to the longtime caregiver I settled on for my DD19, sure, but overall she was an excellent caregiver. When friends asked, I never mentioned that it drove me nuts that she spoke really loudly. It was a petty annoyance that I wisely overlooked.

OP, I've said from the beginning that you should replace the nanny but for your own peace of mind- make a list of must haves, find a good fit, and then focus on what you like rather than small things that annoy you- setting up a humidifier, needing help understanding the stroller.

Do people lie sometimes to make themselves look or feel better? Absolutely, but often they're making themselves feel better by focusing on the positives.

Yeah. I'd say it's probably a lot like the Facebook/Social Media syndrome - people only post the best pictures of themselves and how much fun they're having, etc. So people sitting home looking at other people's pics can become depressed or envious thinking that everyone's lives are so much better than theirs. But really, it's an ILLUSION. It may not be intentional to showcase what is right in a nanny, but to admit there are problems suggests something has to be done about them, and doing something about it requires great effort, but may not be really necessary if the flaws are minor, etc. In other words, it upsets the apple cart. So you have to take with a grain of salt what you're hearing from others about how great their nannies are. None of their nannies are really perfect, either.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Having waded through the whole thread, what I am left feeling is that, OP, I really hope that you are still having very regular care for yourself. To have had severe PPD and the baby is only three months old, well, I have to wonder if there is still some lingering depression issues and those are likely clouding your judgement and if you are channeling towards the nanny for nit picky things, rather than face that the bad feelings are coming from inside you.

I also think this nanny, no matter who she was or what she did, did not stand a chance with you--simply because you feel you were railroaded into making a decision when you were not in a good place to do so----you'd dislike anyone as a result. Best just to let her go with as much severance as you can afford (at least two weeks!) and move on knowing you are making the decision in a more clear frame of mind this time--and then owning it.

 

[littleblackegg]

I posted a few pages back about salary across the country. I live in a major midwestern city (not Chicago, Chocago is more like NYC than my city).

I've been a nurse for 4 years & I make $35/hr. How in the world does a nurse afford to live in Manhattan?

Overtime. And a second income in the house. I have never understood how anyone but multimillionaires live in Manhattan, but somehow they do!

 

[TLSnell1981]

If you are looking for Mary Poppins your expectations are too high.
Besides, you'd be here complaining about Mary Poppins. She did things her own way.

And, Mary Poppins will expect a significant increase in pay...just my experience. You get what you pay for.....

OP_ You needed a Mary when You were ill. Do you still NEED someone to completely take charge of your child....and you? Are you sure, this is what you WANT?

 

[bethy]

The OP is a 1st time mom. I think we have all been there. She has certain ideas in her head about how things should be and also is comparing other people's situations to hers. As a PP said, OP, be very wary of what other mothers tell you. The mommy wars are strong and a lot of mothers are less than candid about what is really happening. You are going to hear a lot about "My nanny is the best!" "Our pre-school is the best!" "Our school is the best!" "My kid gifted!" "A competitive athlete!" Just read the DIS, you will see.

As the OP gets more experience and/or has more kids she will realize that there is no such thing as an ideal situation (in anything really) and that certain compromises will have to be made, and not to sweat the small stuff.

With the 1st kid I was maniacal about perfect little matching outfit with matching hair accessories, socks, and shoes. By #5 I was happy with weather appropriate clothing and 2 shoes.

It's like those hand sanitizer commercials where the show 1st kid & 2nd kid.

I really like this post. Many of us have been there with our first child. It's normal and fine and a journey. I have only 3 kids and I'm at the weather appropriate clothing and 2 shoes stage mentioned above!!

 

[eeyoreandtink]

This thread is the epitome of the entitlement mentality. Seems to me that the OP wants something that doesn't exist. Someone who will do all the hard work of raising her child, love the child like her own, be acceptably posh to impress her "social circle", and at her beck and call at all hours all for $15 an hour. She wants to be able to present the image of the perfect mommy who has it all together without having to do any of the work herself. Saying you want to take care of your baby and that getting up at night "just doesn't work" for you in the same sentence makes your priorities clear.

 

[frndshpcptn]

And, Mary Poppins will expect a significant increase in pay...just my experience. You get what you pay for.....

OP_ You needed a Mary when You were ill. Do you still NEED someone to completely take charge of your child....and you? Are you sure, this is what you WANT?

Regarding salary - I pay the salary that was asked for (by the nanny) when the job was discussed. It's the same salary most people I know pay.

Regarding the second point - that's a good question. I want someone who is proactive, engaged, physically capable, responsible, kind and trustworthy. While not "take charge" I do want someone who will speak up and offer thoughts and opinions on care and necessities and classes based on the time they spend with DD. Like - if they know of a great music class because they've taken other babies before, I'd like them to recommend it. Does that make sense?

 

[frndshpcptn]

This thread is the epitome of the entitlement mentality. Seems to me that the OP wants something that doesn't exist. Someone who will do all the hard work of raising her child, love the child like her own, be acceptably posh to impress her "social circle", and at her beck and call at all hours all for $15 an hour. She wants to be able to present the image of the perfect mommy who has it all together without having to do any of the work herself. Saying you want to take care of your baby and that getting up at night "just doesn't work" for you in the same sentence makes your priorities clear.

Can we please stop harping on the salary? I pay exactly what was asked for. I'm not sure how that makes me a bad person.

And having a baby nurse helped me become a better mom - so no guilt at all the either. I did what I had to do to make sure my DD had what she needed to be safe, cared for and secure.

 

[mom2rtk]

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[frndshpcptn]

Don't forget that you also want someone of a particular political persuasion. Although I'm not sure how to find that out in an interview.

Not a particular political persuasion. My DH and I have different political ideals - I just don't love the fact that's she is openly homophobic.

 

[DisneyMomx7]

I have 7 children and I can tell you that you have unrealistic expectations. You want someone to do all the work (including housekeeping) while you just get to "play" with the baby for a little while when you get home. Over 10 hours a day for little pay will not get you Mary Poppins- even if she really did exist

Whether you mean it or not you come off as very elitist and demanding. Getting up in the middle of the night doesn't work for anybody but it's what you do!

 

[mom2rtk]

.

 

[QueenIsabella]

This thread is the epitome of the entitlement mentality. Seems to me that the OP wants something that doesn't exist. Someone who will do all the hard work of raising her child, love the child like her own, be acceptably posh to impress her "social circle", and at her beck and call at all hours all for $15 an hour. She wants to be able to present the image of the perfect mommy who has it all together without having to do any of the work herself. Saying you want to take care of your baby and that getting up at night "just doesn't work" for you in the same sentence makes your priorities clear.

This. It's almost comical that someone would have a baby, and then claim that getting up at night just doesn't work for them. Does the OP really think that every other parent on the planet wakes up daisy-fresh after a night with a fussy baby?

 

[frndshpcptn]

This. It's almost comical that someone would have a baby, and then claim that getting up at night just doesn't work for them. Does the OP really think that every other parent on the planet wakes up daisy-fresh after a night with a fussy baby?

I'm very aware how fortunate we are to have had help during the night.

 

[frndshpcptn]

I have 7 children and I can tell you that you have unrealistic expectations. You want someone to do all the work (including housekeeping) while you just get to "play" with the baby for a little while when you get home. Over 10 hours a day for little pay will not get you Mary Poppins- even if she really did exist

Whether you mean it or not you come off as very elitist and demanding. Getting up in the middle of the night doesn't work for anybody but it's what you do!

I do get up now. I did have help for a month and know I was very fortunate to have that.

Again regarding salary and responsibilities - I pay what was asked and don't request things above and beyond what was discussed and agreed upon at hiring.

 

[mommysaurus]

Not a particular political persuasion. My DH and I have different political ideals - I just don't love the fact that's she is openly homophobic.

Regarding this if you aren't already, I'd casually bring this up in future interviews without being specific. I'd just tell any candidates you don't care what political affiliation they have as long as they are willing to keep it to themselves and ask them if that will be a problem. When I first started with my sitter I asked if she would be willing to say a prayer with my son before meals and bed. I knew her originally from my son's preschool which is faith based so I didn't think it was an issue but its important to me so I spoke up about it.

 

[DisneyMomx7]

So setting up the humidifier was asked during the interview?