My teen doesn't want to go

[lizabu]

You're not alone. My 16 year old doesn't want to go. I was going to pay a lot more and make during the Christmas break too but she was adamant that she didn't want to go. So I said fine and moved it to February when it was going to be cheaper.

 

[Cackyschmackers]

I'm going to assume, since the OP already booked the cruise, that this 16 y/o's parents don't agree that missing 3 days of school would have such an adverse impact. I'm further assuming that the parents are correct in their assumption.

For me, there would be a fundamental problem with a 16 year old so blatantly disregarding his parents' authority. That's a much bigger issue than missing 3 days of school.

My at the time 13yr old cried when we "surprised" our kids on going out of the country for winter break bc she was anxious about all the school she'd miss that week. So now we schedule vacations, which are much more expensive, during summer. How is that blatant disrespect? I'm confused. My daughter is stressed about her grades falling. I respect her even more for being conscientious about this. School is so much more stressful and moves at such a rapid rate than you can imagine these days. You couldn't appreciate this if you do not have a teen.

 

[dzorn]

DD missed a few days in 2016. She had a hard time catching up as she had mostly advanced classes. After such a difficult time catching up she requested no more vacations during the school year. If that is the reason your 16 year old does not want to miss school you should be very proud that he takes his responsibilities seriously.

 

[quickcat]

I didn't know that kids under age 18 got to dictate to parents what they will and will not do, once the parents have made a decision in that regard (such as booking a cruise for the family).

I do see what you are saying but it's not like going to visit the grandparents and he doesn't want to go. It's thousands of dollars and no one wants to spend that if everyone going is not happy about it. My DH always says, "happy wife happy life." Same applies when you have moody teens!

 

[Amandine]

As the parent of teenagers, I find that there's a huge difference between "blatantly disregarding parents' authority" and not wanting to do something. OP gave no indication that the teen wouldn't comply if required -- only that he doesn't WANT to come along.

 

[lizabu]

I do see what you are saying but it's not like going to visit the grandparents and he doesn't want to go. It's thousands of dollars and no one wants to spend that if everyone going is not happy about it. My DH always says, "happy wife happy life." Same applies when you have moody teens!

The last thing you want to do is drag a teen along who doesn't want to be there. They can make sure no one enjoys the trip if they're moody enough.

 

[dclpluto]

Can I take your sons spot?

 

[MaryKatesMom]

Seriously? You're commenting about a young man who is being responsible about his school work?

Yes. He's 16. Ultimately, it's his parents' decision to make - and one that they already made, given that the cruise was already booked.

Maybe it can be an opportunity for him to gain confidence in his abilities to keep/catch up from missing 3 days. Or maybe it will be a learning opportunity, that sometimes we have to deal with figuring out how to deal with adversity.

I'm going to assume, since the OP already booked the cruise, that this 16 y/o's parents don't agree that missing 3 days of school would have such an adverse impact. I'm further assuming that the parents are correct in their assumption.

For me, there would be a fundamental problem with a 16 year old so blatantly disregarding his parents' authority. That's a much bigger issue than missing 3 days of school.

My favorite parenting book starts with the line "I was the perfect parent until I had kids".

You can always take him off the reservation without penalty up until a certain date and then up until the sail date with a penalty.

I would never be so selfish as a parent to put my dream vacation over that of my child's wishes. This is a vacation not a duty to ones family like attending a family funeral.

 

[Cackyschmackers]

My favorite parenting book starts with the line "I was the perfect parent until I had kids".

You can always take him off the reservation without penalty up until a certain date and then up until the sail date with a penalty.

I would never be so selfish as a parent to put my dream vacation over that of my child's wishes. This is a vacation not a duty to ones family like attending a family funeral.

WHAT SHE SAID!

 

[KashasMom]

My at the time 13yr old cried when we "surprised" our kids on going out of the country for winter break bc she was anxious about all the school she'd miss that week. So now we schedule vacations, which are much more expensive, during summer. How is that blatant disrespect? I'm confused. My daughter is stressed about her grades falling. I respect her even more for being conscientious about this. School is so much more stressful and moves at such a rapid than you can imagine these days. You couldn't appreciate this if you do not have a teen.

I can't imagine what high school is like these days. I was shocked at the work my second grader was doing and how much homework she had each night!

 

[Cackyschmackers]

I can't imagine what high school is like these days. I was shocked at the work my second grader was doing and how much homework she had each night!

It's brutal. I had read your above post and was going to say you should take your daughter out now while you can. Up until 4th grade it was okay. Then it started to get hairy.

 

[cmwade77]

My at the time 13yr old cried when we "surprised" our kids on going out of the country for winter break bc she was anxious about all the school she'd miss that week. So now we schedule vacations, which are much more expensive, during summer. How is that blatant disrespect? I'm confused. My daughter is stressed about her grades falling. I respect her even more for being conscientious about this. School is so much more stressful and moves at such a rapid rate than you can imagine these days. You couldn't appreciate this if you do not have a teen.

It is, but I think the better question we need to step back and ask ourselves is should school be so stressful and move at such a more rapid rate? Considering that there is nothing that shows it does anything to improve their education and may in fact be detrimental, I would say we are still doing something wrong in our educational system.

 

[Cackyschmackers]

It is, but I think the better question we need to step back and ask ourselves is should school be so stressful and move at such a more rapid rate? Considering that there is nothing that shows it does anything to improve their education and may in fact be detrimental, I would say we are still doing something wrong in our educational system.

Perhaps, but this is not the forum. And my daughter has some challenges that another student may not have so I can only speak for my family. We are currently speaking of taking our children out of school for a luxury cruise. I know some school districts don't even allow that.

 

[cmph]

There is a huge difference between a teen who is moody/disagreeable/doesn't like the vacation you chose... and a teen who is worried about missing school. I'm not even going to suggest doing that once my 12yo is in high school. She's in advanced coursework already and doesn't want to miss any time, and I can't say that I blame her. Not all teachers are going to be agreeable about making up quizzes (what if there is a pop quiz?), or giving assignments in advance - and by middle school, no one at traditional schools will have a single teacher to deal with, more like 5+. What if the student is taking IB or AP? Pretty rough trying to make that up.

If there was no alternative place for him to stay, then maybe I would think differently, but if he can stay with a grandparent and will otherwise spend the vacation worrying about what he's missing - it seems like everyone will be happier if he stays behind. OP - I think you're raising a good, conscientious child.

 

[cmwade77]

The problem overall that I see here is that family time is extremely important, more important than we as a society value it at. Reading the Original post, it sounds like he would not miss any school because of this, so I think the better thing to do is to find out WHY he doesn't want to go. My best guess is it involves a significant other, but that is just a guess. If that is the case, I would suggest still having him go, pointing out that there will be time for them to be together AFTER family time. If there are other reasons, then address them as well. If he is going to miss school, speak with his teachers and get work for him to do so that he won't fall behind, most teachers are willing to do this if you give them enough notice so they aren't rushing at the last second to put something together.

In the end though it comes down to it you could force him to go and be miserable, but not have him come and you feeling like you are missing him being there, but overall a more enjoyable time for everyone.

 

[gotomu212]

I think it's completely understandable that your son doesn't want to mis high school. Every school is different, but I think it's pretty typical to have a hard time making up high school classes. I know at my son's school you cannot make up work for family vacations without express approval from the head of school- and even if you get approval, you still get a bunch of disapproving comments from teachers.

My son missed 3 days for an out of town funeral. He's a great student but he struggled to catch up and was miserable.

 

[Cackyschmackers]

Reading the Original post, it sounds like he would not miss any school because of this, so I think the better thing to do is to find out WHY he doesn't want to go. My best guess is it involves a significant other, but that is just a guess

In a later post, OP says her son will miss three days of school bc of the cruise.

 

[gotomu212]

The problem overall that I see here is that family time is extremely important, more important than we as a society value it at. Reading the Original post, it sounds like he would not miss any school because of this, so I think the better thing to do is to find out WHY he doesn't want to go. My best guess is it involves a significant other, but that is just a guess. If that is the case, I would suggest still having him go, pointing out that there will be time for them to be together AFTER family time. If there are other reasons, then address them as well. If he is going to miss school, speak with his teachers and get work for him to do so that he won't fall behind, most teachers are willing to do this if you give them enough notice so they aren't rushing at the last second to put something together.

In the end though it comes down to it you could force him to go and be miserable, but not have him come and you feeling like you are missing him being there, but overall a more enjoyable time for everyone.

The OP said he'd miss 3 days of school aNd that was his concern in an update. I agree family time is important but teachers in my son's school counter that's what weekends, holidays, spring and summer break are for. I might not agree with them, but that's why high school education stands at this point.

 

[Amandine]

Further thoughts on this -- fwiw, I've btdt. I took a teenager on a family vacation who didn't want to go. There may have been other options (like grandparents) but I wasn't aware of the desire to not go until we were already underway and it seemed too late to change gears. The teen didn't have a lot of fun, and it was a lot of stress for the rest of the family. I didn't find it particularly productive in any way to have grudging compliance (though, again, I didn't know in advance about the desire to not go.)

Fast forward a few years... after just 2 years of not being required to go on family trips, that same teenager is now *requesting* to come along.

So, OP.... I *totally* get what you mean about feeling sad about the idea of him not coming along. It's not an easy thing, as a parent. But if were in your shoes now, given my experiences over the last couple of years, I'd definitely go with letting him stay, avoid missing classes, and get special one-on-one time with grandparents. Yes, I'd be sad. But high school *is* totally brutal these days -- my teen was routinely logging 80+ hour weeks between class time, drive time, and homework time. There was barely time for sleep, let alone anything else, and makeup when days were missed -- even one day at a time -- was excruciating. So the concern about missing class makes sense to me. And in general, I feel that letting teens make grown-up decisions for themselves where maturity and circumstances make it possible really improves the parent-teen relationship enough to improve the odds of getting them to really take me seriously and understand my reasoning when I determine something is a decision for me, not them. In this case, I think (not certain?) there'd be no penalty to canceling this early, and there's no safety issue because of the possibility of staying with grandparents. I think I'd probably hold off on cancellation until the last minute before a penalty would kick in -- just to give him plenty of time to be sure, especially if cancellation can be late enough to let him get started with fall classes and see how the school year is going -- but I'd let him stay if that's what he really wants to do.

Plus, you can never get enough time with grandparents. Those relationships are so valuable.

 

[SteveMP]

but teachers in my son's school counter that's what weekends, holidays, spring and summer break are for. I might not agree with them, but that's why high school education stands at this point.

Thats a double edge sword also. If you ask why kids get so much excessive homework, teachers will say that since they don't really have much time to teach during class, that students need to do the homework to learn, and thats the important part. But if you ask for the homework ahead of time, they'll say the homework won't really be enough, they need to come to class because thats the important part. I think if schools didn't get money based on student attendance per day, they would be more flexible with homework packets. Especially since you can learn everything online now anyways.