My son got a "referral" at school yesterday.

[minniecarousel]

So, according to the school, your son was supposed to get up from his seat and go and tell a teacher? Doing that was exactly what the other kid wanted! Kinda defeats the whole "not giving in to bullying"!

 

[SpecialK]

Is there anyway you can make an inquiry into the other child's punishment besides the referral(which is dumb by the way)? I'm thinking that there is or should be a lot of documentation about the events between your son and this child. I would want to know what is being done to help get rid of this situation. Are they in the same class? I know the school year is almost over but what about next year? Can you request they not be in the same class?

It just blows my mind that this stuff happens in kindergarten! Jeez at 6 years old I'd had my butt beat red if I even thought about doing something like that to another child.

My real issue is that your son wasn't at fault and I don't think standing up for yourself deserves punishment, especially if the other child did not receive anything more even though he instigated it.

Schools can't give any info on any other student due to privacy laws.

My son was bullied in kdgn., too. Luckily, we had a principal who nipped it in the bud. In your shoes, I'd ask to meet with the principal. If the referral in his file cannot be expunged, I'd make sure a written rebuttal was attached.

For what it's worth, we've made our boys aware of the rules on fighting and made it clear that they are never to be the aggressors, but we've also told them if somebody comes at them to fight back and we'll support them 100%. DH and I have both dealt with these rules as teachers and thought equal punishment was unfair then,too.

 

[lovetoscrap]

I guess I am the dissenting opinion here. A piece of paper in his school file isn't really a big deal. The concept of a "permanent record" is not as Orwellian as some think. It is one piece of paper saying that he fought back instead of getting a teacher. This isn't going to cause his future teachers to think he is a bully and shun him. Isn't going to affect if he gets into Harvard. Isn't going to keep him off the football team or the marching band. It is just a way for the school to keep a record. If he gets another one next week, and the next and the next, then they have a paper trail to say "Well, there is a problem here that we need to deal with." I am sure the other kid's file is so full of paper they will need a new folder for him next year. One referral is just not a problem. Heck, chances are that he may get another few over the course of the years he is in school. Is is just all about the CYA papertrail that the schools have to keep. And you actually now have a paper that shows the he had to fight back against this bully to back up your need to have something done about this--the school can't say it isn't a problem.

I just wouldn't worry about demading that this referral be removed or modified. Pick your battles. This is really about making sure that this Kindergarten terrorist is kept away from your son.


I have dealt with things at the school I thought were unfair to my daughters by just making sure they understand why the rule is in place and that is the end of it. No punishment at home. No big deal made of it. I wrote on here earlier this year that DD13 got a "warning" because a bag strap was hanging out of her locker and the paper said if it happened again she would get detention. (After I got done laughing) I just asked her if she understood what they wanted and told her that if she got detention she wouldn't be punished at home, but I also wasn't going to raise a stink at the school and demand she get out of it. Not a battle I wanted to fight.

For my kids the punishment at home is their real fear! A lunch detention or loss of recess is not a big deal. But I have the power to end their social life and keep them up to their eyeballs in chores. No principal on the face of the earth is as scary as I am!

I would be addressing the bully issue at school. Let your son know why he got in trouble and remind him of what to do next time (get a teacher) and secretly be very proud that he stood up for himself! Then just move on from this referral incident without making it any more of a big deal.

 

[sbell111]

I have to agree with lovetoscrap. I am simply not seeing an issue worth getting upset over.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I have to agree with lovetoscrap. I am simply not seeing an issue worth getting upset over.

I don't agree. The child went up to the OP's child, pinched and hit him. Sorry but that would be a problem to me.

 

[lovetoscrap]

I don't agree. The child went up to the OP's child, pinched and hit him. Sorry but that would be a problem to me.

That is a problem. The bullying is the problem. The piece of paper put in his file is not the problem and that was my point. Don't worry about the paper. Worry about the actual issue of being bullied.

 

[Kit'smommy]

That is a problem. The bullying is the problem. The piece of paper put in his file is not the problem and that was my point. Don't worry about the paper. Worry about the actual issue of being bullied.

The piece of paper would be a problem to me because the child didn't deserve to be called down for protecting himself. Obviously, they have already been concerned about the bullying issue.

If my child instigated a fight by pushing a classmate and therefore received a referal, it would be deserved, and I would have no issue with it being in his file. It would also be followed by a loss of privileges at home and a stern warning that the behaviour was not be repeated.

That isn't the case here. I think it is terrible for a child to be reprimanded for simply pushing away a bullying classmate that had ordered him out of his seat and then pinched him.

 

[Snoopymom]

Just a warning, when my ds was 6 he got suspended for 3 days for getting so mad at a bully he said he wanted to kill him instead of fighting back.

 

[ksjayhawks]

That is a problem. The bullying is the problem. The piece of paper put in his file is not the problem and that was my point. Don't worry about the paper. Worry about the actual issue of being bullied.

Agree!!!!!

Pick the battles to fight. Talk to the teacher and the principal about the bullying and what can be done about it. Make sure he and the other boy are not in the same classroom next year if at all possible.

 

[wvjules]

The school basically told your son that it is NOT ok to defend himself.

 

[RN4Babies]

That is a problem. The bullying is the problem. The piece of paper put in his file is not the problem and that was my point. Don't worry about the paper. Worry about the actual issue of being bullied.

I respectfully disagree. The file follows the child throughout his education. If the OP should relocate in the next year or two, or decide to put her ds in a different school, staff at the new school may form a preconceived opinion that he has a history of being a troublemaker without knowing all of the circumstances.

 

[mill4023]

All of our children have been told that if they are being picked on physically, they do whatever is needed to defend themselves, no matter what the school policy is.

 

[jrmasm]

I respectfully disagree. The file follows the child throughout his education. If the OP should relocate in the next year or two, or decide to put her ds in a different school, staff at the new school may form a preconceived opinion that he has a history of being a troublemaker without knowing all of the circumstances.

No one in their right mind is going to think he has a history of anything from 1 paper in his file.

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

If the teacher/school had nipped the bullying in the bud previously, this situation would have likely not occurred. I'd like to know how they are going to address the bullying going on in Kindergarten. That is what I would ask the Principal. Not that it's ok to fight, but good for your son, for standing up for himself.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd probably take a different tactic.

I'd ask the principal of the school to give me a plan about what they were going to do to keep the bullying child away from mine.

It would probably go something like this:

"We have discussed with Johnny the fact that he cannot defend himself from a physical attack from another child, because he will get into trouble too. He does understand that.

Because the child that attacked Johnny has a known history of physically aggressive, bullying behavior, we would like to see a copy of the school's plan as to how they are going to handle the child. We are specifically interested in learning how the school intends to monitor that child's behavior and keep him away from our child so that our child will not be pinched until he is bruised and otherwise physically attacked.

We are putting the responsibility for our son's safety at school directly onto you, Mr. (or Mrs.) Principal. We will await your response as to how you intend to handle this situation so that our child is not in a hostile learning environment."

Toss that out there...see what happens.

 

[dismom2]

I agree that this bully drove your son to defend himself, so I would not be upset with my child if this happended to them, either. What's sad is that if the bullied child keeps ignoring or allowing the bully to do this to him, the bully will just keep doing it. Where do you draw the line? At some point you need to defend yourself or you will be targeted forever. We have some bullies at our elementary school, and the school is not doing much about it at all. One of the kids' parent(s) cannot be reached because the phone number for his home is no good. And they hand out useless punishment---like putting the kid at a desk away from the other kids. This has not deterred him at all. And the bullying carries on at PE, recess, and even after school while the girls are trying to walk to their parents' cars. They really need to dish out some 'real' punishment to these bullies.

 

[manning]

I agree 100% with this person. I have always told my daughters to fight back and will continue to. I am not raising punching bags. I always told them that I would be there to back them up if they got in trouble after the fact. Once a bully figures out that you aren't going to defend yourself they will continue to terrorize you. That is awful that this is going on at such a young age.

I lived with my grandparents for a while and was picked on. My grandmother did not want me to fight and told me to turn the other cheek. The kids knew I wouldn't fight and I became the target.

After a while I moved back with my dad when he remarried. Same thing, I got picked on. My dad told me to fight back. If you beat the other guy no one is going to bother me. He was right. He also told me if he heard I picked on someone and started a fight I had him to contend with.

 

[Shelton123]

So, according to the school, your son was supposed to get up from his seat and go and tell a teacher? Doing that was exactly what the other kid wanted! Kinda defeats the whole "not giving in to bullying"!

Exactly. You do that, you not only get bullied by the same person, you get bullied by even more people, because they think you won't do anything about it. Once, this guy was bothering me (he had been for a while) so I pushed him on the ground. Guess what? Yes I got sent to the principals office, but I haven't had any bullying since then. What your son did was great, and the kid probably won't bully him any more. At least not to the degree he did before, because he knows your son can fight back.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Oh, hell no. I would be filing a grievance and demanding a meeting with the classroom teacher, the principal and the boy's parents. There's a history of the other kid bullying your son; he should not have the opportunity to approach your son in the crowded chaos of the lunchroom to further terrorize and intimidate him. It's unacceptable; if the school isn't responsive and can't keep that other kid away from your son, I'd be going to the school board, writing letters to the editor of the local paper, etc. until there was a satisfactory plan in place. I would also demand that the "referral" be expunged from his file/record.

Ditto.

The other boy has a history of mistreating your son. Evidently whatever has been done to deter this boy has not been successful. That matter needs addressing.

 

[RN4Babies]

No one in their right mind is going to think he has a history of anything from 1 paper in his file.

....but if the school continues to put written notes in the child's file even when he's not the instigator and doing nothing more than defending himself, this will be the first piece of paper out of many. The school's position of "don't fight back, get a teacher" is unrealistic, and their policy of the same punishment for all involved and putting notes in the files of all parties' involved is not fair, especially when there's a history of one kid being the victim and another kid bullying him/her.

I love doll's idea of a letter to the principal asking them to outline their plan for preventing future bullying. Kids need to feel safe at school.