My sister's wedding issues

[okeydokey]

sister is a bridesmaid, so she should be at reception

Then it is HUGE deal that you can't help her out by finding a sitter for part of the event. Will there be a rehersal? Will it be the day before or a couple of days before? Will it be an evening wedding with most people staying the night? Your sister is a mother with children to attend to. What did you think she would do with her children for 2 or 3 days?

 

[okeydokey]

I think people should have more than one - I am fortunate to have many. If my parents weren't available, I certainly have enough friends here that would take my kids for me, and I would be comfortable asking my kids' friends' moms if they could watch them for me, maybe even sleepover (not the 2 year old - I'd ask a friend for that). Actually, my life would be a little lonely if I didn't have friends I could count on, a social network.

You are very lucky. My family lives a thousand miles away and when we moved away we knew Nobody! It's different now that we have met friends, but in the OPs case, the youngest is 2. And the sister is in the wedding so she may be gone from them for a couple of days.

 

[Mkrop]

Is there a DH to this sister? What is his role? I mean he can care for his kids if you want your sister to be part of your wedding, but he can only do that if he stays home and the sis goes, or if he comes with the kids.

 

[Tink888]

I am getting married next year and I do not want kids present at the ceremony or reception. I just want a very trendy, adults only party and I do not want anyone to have to worry about taking care of kids and not paying attention to the party. I did not tell my sister my plans because she has three kids and I knew she would get upset. Her kids are really excited about the wedding and she keeps telling me how they cannot wait to see me get married. Since my mom is helping with the planning she knows i do not want kids there and she let it slip to my sister and my sister got mad. I told mom to tell her that the site will not allow kids to come, though that is not entirely true. Now my sister is saying her feelings are hurt. Finally I let in and said they can come to the ceremony, but not the reception. Now she says she is not sure she can make it to the reception since the wedding site is hours from her house. She cannot be pleased and it is making me stressed!!

Didn't read the entire thread.

It is your wedding and you should have it the way you desire but I think that if you had been up front and honest with your sister from the very beginning, a lot of this tension could have been avoided.

I hope that everything works out for you.

 

[Mermaid02]

You should have been honest with your sister from the beginning. Now her kids are excited, and they will most likely get their feelings hurt when they are told they can't go.
You don't want people to have to worry about their kids at your reception- guess what? Parents always worry about their kids and if they haven't left them alone over night with a sitter before- they will REALLY worry about them at your reception.
Your party- your rules but don't be surprised or upset if some decide not to attend.

edited to add: I didn't read the whole thread

 

[RadioNate]

they will be involved, they can go to the ceremony just not the reception. My brother is getting married in May, they have his reception to look forward to.

sister is a bridesmaid, so she should be at reception

Then it is HUGE deal that you can't help her out by finding a sitter for part of the event. Will there be a rehersal? Will it be the day before or a couple of days before? Will it be an evening wedding with most people staying the night? Your sister is a mother with children to attend to. What did you think she would do with her children for 2 or 3 days?

What they said. What exactly do you think your sisters is to do with these children while she is busy attending to YOU? I mean really?

How much is being in this trendy wedding costing your sister? Bridesmaid dress? Showers? Travel expenses?

I'm starting to side with your sister and I'm generally FOR no kids at weddings. But I've also taken my kids to weddings when I've had too. Yes it is more fun w/out them but believe me it is also no fun wondering if your kids are safe with an unknown sitter etc.

I assume you expect your sister's husband to skip the reception and stay with the kids? There is no one else. How much fun is she going to have without her spouse?

You seem to be not getting it and that is your deal but don't be surprised if this damages your relationship with your sister and her family for years. ETA: I have a feeling that your sister will suck it up. Her DH will stay home for most of the events and then make the 5 hour round trip drive so the kids can see the ceremony. Your sister will do this all with a smile but she will be really resentful and bitter about it underneath.

 

[bgirldeb]

I just find it sad that the only children you know that would come to your wedding/reception are your sister's kids, and they are already excited about being a part of your special day, and yet you still do not want to compromise to include them in it in some way.

Yes, it's YOUR day, and your decision as to who to include/not include, but is it worth the rifts that it causes to your family?

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am getting married next year and I do not want kids present at the ceremony or reception. I just want a very trendy, adults only party and I do not want anyone to have to worry about taking care of kids and not paying attention to the party. I did not tell my sister my plans because she has three kids and I knew she would get upset. Her kids are really excited about the wedding and she keeps telling me how they cannot wait to see me get married. Since my mom is helping with the planning she knows i do not want kids there and she let it slip to my sister and my sister got mad. I told mom to tell her that the site will not allow kids to come, though that is not entirely true. Now my sister is saying her feelings are hurt. Finally I let in and said they can come to the ceremony, but not the reception. Now she says she is not sure she can make it to the reception since the wedding site is hours from her house. She cannot be pleased and it is making me stressed!!

NOTE: I have not read thru all the responses.

Well, this is an anonymous chatboard, so I will don my flamesuit and simply give you my true thoughts. First, I am sitting here thinking that his whole post is just somebody stirring the pot.

If this post is true, you are a very selfish and vain person who has no scruples and no credibility.

Beginning with the fact that you have lied, and continue to lie, and even ask your mother to lie for you.

You do not see the wedding as a joyous affair for your family and your fiance's family... (only a TRENDY PARTY) Why couldn't you and your bridesmaids just throw a fantasic, all adult, TRENDY pre-wedding or engagement party???

You do not care that you have disappointed and hurt three children.

You do not care that your sister is being put in a bind.
You do not see how deeply this could hurt hurt. (rejecting her chldren)

If you want that small, "TRENDY", affair, then really, you should just elope and invite the limited adults that might possibly meet whatever the criteria may be (trendy, childless, etc.. etc...) But, you might end up being surprized at how many people decline. You might find out just how many people you could be alienating with your attitude.

I totally agree that a bride should have the sayso in her wedding!!!
Not bridesmaides, Mother in laws, etc...
I am not one of those bleeding hearts who thinks one has to suffer due to relatives.... Quite the opposit.

But you are showing no love, caring, credibility or scruples whatsoever.

 

[brockash]

You are very lucky. My family lives a thousand miles away and when we moved away we knew Nobody! It's different now that we have met friends, but in the OPs case, the youngest is 2. And the sister is in the wedding so she may be gone from them for a couple of days.

I agree. Anyone that has multiple ppl. to watch their kiddos that they know/trust is very fortunate. Right now, I live by my mom and sisters and have that. I can't tell you how nice it is, but my DH is in the Army and before we moved back here, we were in the middle of nowhere with no one. We'll be moving again soon and will not be around any family and again, we won't have a sitter. Not everyone has that luxury.

 

[*Fantasia*]

Is there a DH to this sister? What is his role? I mean he can care for his kids if you want your sister to be part of your wedding, but he can only do that if he stays home and the sis goes, or if he comes with the kids.

Good question.. Is there a husband to your sister?

 

[*Fantasia*]

NOTE: I have not read thru all the responses.

Well, this is an anonymous chatboard, so I will don my flamesuit and simply give you my true thoughts. First, I am sitting here thinking that his whole post is just somebody stirring the pot.

If this post is true, you are a very selfish and person who has no scruples and no credibility.

You do not see the wedding as a joyous affair for your family and your fiance's family... (only a TRENDY PARTY) Why couldn't you and your bridesmaids just throw a fantasic, all adult, TRENDY pre-wedding or engagement party???

You do not care that you have disappointed and hurt three children.

You do not care that your sister is being put in a bind.
You do not see how deeply this could hurt hurt. (rejecting her chldren)

I totally agree that a bride should have the sayso in her wedding!!!
Not bridesmaides, Mother in laws, etc...
I am not one of those bleeding hearts who thinks one has to suffer due to relatives.... Quite the opposit.

But you are showing no love, caring, credibility or scruples whatsoever.

someone annonymous stirring the pot.. i could believe this. if this is so.. the most trediest way to enjoy the moment is i guess going to a strip club where there is definitely no kids allowed under 21. for sure your sister will not even think about bringing her kids there.

 

[Traveliz]

She cannot be pleased and it is making me stressed!!

Actually I think you are the one that can't be pleased.

Liz

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I hate to break it to you but unless you have your wedding on the moon they are all pretty much the same. Yes, some might have a great band, some might have amazing food, but at the end of the day it is a party. Not the coronation of the Queen.
I am not picking on you OP as you might be a very lovely person but your posts make you come across as a temper throwing Veruca Salt. Look at the big picture. Why are you getting married? Is it to join your families together and start a new lofe together? Or is it to be a bride?
From what you have posted don't be surprised at the rift you are causing in your family. Long after your dress is packed away your family will be dealing with the fallout of this. Is it really that big a deal? Do you not love your nieces and nephews?
As for paying attention to the party, do you think your sister is going to forget that she has kids just because they aren't there? I can tell you that she will be thinking of them all day long and will be stressed. You don't have kids yet so you can't understand that. Either way, what does paying attention to the party even mean? If you are there and eating and drinking and socializing isn't that enough? What do you expect them to do? Stare at your every move?
Honestly, I think you are being over the top. I also think you handled this terribly. It will always be in the back of your sister's mind. I would try to fix it any way I could if you value your family at all.

 

[bumbershoot]

Well come and sit for me.

I was going to say that too.

I just remember as a kid going to grandparents or aunts/uncles on the "other" side of the family when there was a big family event on one side. I remember spending the day at our neighbor's house when my sister was born. And later on there were playmates whose moms would have a sleepover in return for a sleepover when THEY wanted a day/evening/weekend out.

That sounds wonderful. What a nice family you had, all in the same area! Very rare, getting more so.

In the early 60s, my mom moved to CA from FL with her brand new husband. Her family was in FL after leaving NY. In between, they'd lived in CA for my grandfather's job, which is when my mom met my dad, whose family was in CA after moving from CO. I grew up in CA with ONE aunt/uncle/cousin group somewhat close by, and another set a bit further away. Mom's sister lived in AZ then FL, mom's brother in FL (now TN). Dad has 6 siblings, they live all over (from the Harvard area to Anchorage!). I have a gazillion cousins and know very few of them.

etc etc etc. Heck, hubby's mother's family lives in Korea! Definitely not close. And hubby's father was almost as old as my grandmother, so his family is LONG gone, no cousins anywhere.

Not everyone was or is as lucky as you were and are.

 

[luvsJack]

This is her and her future husbands wedding. They have every right to plan their wedding their way. If she invites her sister's kids and then best friend for life asks about her kids coming, it would be hard to say no. And then mom's neighbor forever asks about her grandkids that are visiting and on and on. It gets kind of sticky from there.

There is no more wrong with having a adults only (no family kids either) wedding/reception than there is having an adults only anniversary party or New Years party or birthday party.

Most kids find weddings terribly dull anyway.

IMHO, it should be planned to have a sitter come in and keep the kids on location in a seperate area. If sis doesn't want to do that, let her stay home.

 

[NotUrsula]

You blew it big time by not telling an out-of-town bridesmaid that children were not going to be welcome at the reception. That it is your sister just adds bitter icing on the cake. If she pulls out of the wedding entirely then you have no one to blame but yourself, and quite frankly, I think you would deserve it if she did.

Your one chance to salvage this situation is to set up a children's area at or very near your reception site, and pay for it at least in part. A mom with young kids isn't going to be satisfied leaving them alone with an unknown sitter in a hotel room. You need for the children and their sitter to be in an accessible space, close enough to be checked occasionally during the event.

Trust me on this -- you WILL get one or two guests who bring children in spite of being advised not to, so you will be happier if you set up a separate space for them. (I don't think that there is any inherant problem with having an adults-only reception, but in this case it was handled badly. Given what we've heard, I'm fairly sure that her sister isn't the only person who didn't get the message.)

 

[daisax]

Not everyone was or is as lucky as you were and are.

It was not luck that my parents made friends, or made the effort to develop relationships with friends that involved mutual child care. It was common sense.

 

[*Fantasia*]

I hate to break it to you but unless you have your wedding on the moon they are all pretty much the same. Yes, some might have a great band, some might have amazing food, but at the end of the day it is a party. Not the coronation of the Queen. Thanks for the laugh!

I am not picking on you OP as you might be a very lovely person but your posts make you come across as a temper throwing Veruca Salt. Look at the big picture. Why are you getting married? Is it to join your families together and start a new lofe together? Or is it to be a bride?

From what you have posted don't be surprised at the rift you are causing in your family. Long after your dress is packed away your family will be dealing with the fallout of this. Is it really that big a deal? Do you not love your nieces and nephews?

As for paying attention to the party, do you think your sister is going to forget that she has kids just because they aren't there? I can tell you that she will be thinking of them all day long and will be stressed. You don't have kids yet so you can't understand that. Either way, what does paying attention to the party even mean? If you are there and eating and drinking and socializing isn't that enough? What do you expect them to do? Stare at your every move?

Honestly, I think you are being over the top. I also think you handled this terribly. It will always be in the back of your sister's mind. I would try to fix it any way I could if you value your family at all.

Agree. I'm with you sista!

 

[Wishing on a star]

here is no more wrong with having a adults only (no family kids either) wedding/reception than there is having an adults only anniversary party or New Years party or birthday party.

I disagree.... IMHO, different things all together.
Adult parties are an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT matter.

A wedding is a union of people and families.
Families often/ususally include children.

As I suggested in my ealier post...
If the OP does not want a family affair. (Just a TRENDY all adult party) Then she should elope. Just invite the 'chosen few'.

It is amazing that anybody could find 'TRENDY' to be more important than the love of a sister.



PS: Just because children in immediate family are included does NOT make a slippery slope that all other non-immediate children would have to be included.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Agree. I'm with you sista!

How many people here are thinking "B r i d e z i l l a!!!!"