My sister is creating a mnster, and she doesn't even realize it

[antmaril]

I also believe that is the crux of the matter. Her sister anticipates anything that MIGHT POSSIBLY set off her son, no matter how slight, and does anything and everything to make sure there are no "bumps in the road" so that junior will not have a meltdown. Normally, if a 5 y.o. arrives at a bowling party and the bumpers haven't been put up yet, you'd just tell the kid, "Auntie will have the bumpers set up ASAP so that you can start bowling too. It shouldn't take long." But her DSis panicked because she was afraid that if her son figured out there were no bumpers in place, he was going to turn into a screaming mee-mee and go ballistic. Her reaction was not frustation with her sister, but fear of her son's reaction and an intense desire to avert a potential meltdown. If my kid had gone into meltdown mode at age 5 because the bumpers weren't up yet, I'd have hauled her out of there and that would have been the end of that.

As for the movies, the child had decided he wanted to see Karate Kid for his next movie. Fair enough. When Auntie wanted to invite him to see TS3, his mom refused to even ASK him if he'd like to see TS3 for fear that the mere suggestion of seeing a movie other than Karate Kid would send him into a fit. Basically, the mom is walking three steps ahead of her kid all the time, setting up bubble wrap walls so the way will be 100% problem free. Because she's afraid if he meets disappointment, frustration or God forbid, a flat out NO, he will turn into Damian.

It sounds as if it's become a self-fulfilling prophecy. He probably pitched a fit or two as a toddler and she gave in to stop the fit and now it's become their way of life. Except instead of doing whatever it takes to STOP a fit/tantrum, she ANTICIPATES what MIGHT cause a fit/tantrum and bends over backwards to make certain that does not come to pass.

As I read it, this is a deeper issue than not wanting to see a movie or being upset of the lack of bumper pads. Much bigger problem.

This is exactly what I was trying to say, but you said it better. I agree with you 100%.

 

[scrapbookworm]

I'll throw in my 2 cents too. In my family, we've stopped inviting cousins who aren't roughly the same age to birthday parties. One reason is for safety. My DD is 10, and she has 2 cousins that are 6 and 4. She loves her cousins and wouldn't hurt them, but you know how it is when you get a crowd of 10 year olds together. She had a swim party this year, and there is no way that I would have a pool full of 10 yos, plus a 6yo and 4yo. They also have nothing in common with the older ones.

I do agree that it does sound like the OP's sister is raising a spoiled child. I'm sure that she has many, many more examples b/c one doesn't reach this conclusion based on a couple of isolated incidents. It must be an ongoing thing. It's sad for the child b/c one life lesson that is hard to learn is that no one else cares about you as much as your family. Your child might be #1 in your life, but to everyone else (meaning, other parents and non family), that is just another kid, and not the most important person in THEIR life. I have actually run across this attitude in my own family. I have relatives who seemingly think that EVERYONE ELSE should act like their children are the most important kids in the world. What exactly happened has slipped my mind now since it has been several years, but basically the attitude was that we should think that their child's birthday party was more important than my own child's party. I do love those children, but I have a child of my own, and I'm not going to 'elevate' other children to a higher importance to ME than my own child.

The child also isn't learning that he can't impose his desires upon other kids. B/c a lot of the other kids think that they are #1 too. I've seen some fights break out when two special snowflakes try to rule the playground. kwim?

 

[scrapbookworm]

It sounds as if it's become a self-fulfilling prophecy. He probably pitched a fit or two as a toddler and she gave in to stop the fit and now it's become their way of life. Except instead of doing whatever it takes to STOP a fit/tantrum, she ANTICIPATES what MIGHT cause a fit/tantrum and bends over backwards to make certain that does not come to pass.

EXACTLY! And what happens when this child has to begin dealing with other children? Children who have their own ideas, children who want to play Red Light/Green Light instead of the Red Rover? Is he going to have a meltdown every time he doesn't get his way? If he has no means of self control, learning that life is give and take? If so, he'll find himself friendless fast. It sounds like she is setting the stage for some serious social issues.

 

[tomthebarncat]

I have a 14 year old niece who was indulged far too much in life. She pouts, stomps her feet, screams, and cries when she does not get her way. Did I mention she is FOURTEEN? Our families were supposed to get together at Outback to celebrate my MIL's birthday. 30 minutes before we were supposed to arrive, DH gets a call from his brother telling us to meet at Red Robin instead. Seems Snowy likes the fries there. Seriously? Everyone (3 families involved) had to change their plans at the last minute to please this girl! I had the pleasure of going dress shopping with her and her mother for her 8th grade graduation dress. Good Lord! Her mother said no to a dress that she liked and she plopped on the floor of Macy's, crossed her legs, folded her arms, stared off into space and refused to move. Guess what? She got the dress! Mom did not want to be embarassed in Macys.

Your family changed plans at the last minute for this? I would have told him to have a nice time but we are sticking to the original plan. I do not suffer fools easily and will not be held hostage by the whims of a child. As for Macy's if she were my kid she would still be sitting there! Feel sorry for her future boyfriends, because she is going to be a nightmare to them!

 

[tomthebarncat]

EXACTLY! And what happens when this child has to begin dealing with other children? Children who have their own ideas, children who want to play Red Light/Green Light instead of the Red Rover? Is he going to have a meltdown every time he doesn't get his way? If he has no means of self control, learning that life is give and take? If so, he'll find himself friendless fast. It sounds like she is setting the stage for some serious social issues.

When the little monster realizes that no one wants to play with him, he will probably start to bully them. I don't understand people who have kids but cannot be bothered to parent them! Who decided that Society should pick up the slack for lazy parents?

 

[cm8]

Hey... R you my sister?? I'm telling mom !

,, that is totally what I would say!

 

[DeluxePrincess]

Your family changed plans at the last minute for this? I would have told him to have a nice time but we are sticking to the original plan. I do not suffer fools easily and will not be held hostage by the whims of a child.

I'm with you! Except it wasn't my call on that one. DH couldn't skip out on his mom's birthday celebration and they were in charge of the "planning"....or should I say my Niece was in charge of the planning.

 

[monsterkitty]

I can tell you what will happen with your nephew when he is 12 and you decide to go bowling as a family - he will cry and ask for bumpers just like my 12 y/o niece did this past Christmas.

My SIL does everything for my niece: lays out her outfits, runs the water for the shower, and the best, she still cuts DN PANCAKES for her! Yes, my niece can't even cut her own pancakes let alone steak. Oh, wait, she can't cut her own meat because she will only eat pizza and chicken nuggets. DN still carries a doll with her. Not only that, but the doll gets a spot on the couch in the family room. That means that no one can sit in that spot on the couch because the doll could never sit on the floor!

Her oldest brother and sister are headed off to college this fall and they cannot wait to get away from their little sister!

 

[Mermaid02]

I wonder if there isn't some issue with your nephew- I know that when my son was smaller I would do about anything to avoid the tantrum in public because it was SO over the top. Turns out my son has several diagnoses and now on his medication he can be reasoned with. In the morning before his meds take effect, forget it and in the evening when they wear off, forget it.

 

[Disneyadore]

I can tell you what will happen with your nephew when he is 12 and you decide to go bowling as a family - he will cry and ask for bumpers just like my 12 y/o niece did this past Christmas.

My SIL does everything for my niece: lays out her outfits, runs the water for the shower, and the best, she still cuts DN PANCAKES for her! Yes, my niece can't even cut her own pancakes let alone steak. Oh, wait, she can't cut her own meat because she will only eat pizza and chicken nuggets. DN still carries a doll with her. Not only that, but the doll gets a spot on the couch in the family room. That means that no one can sit in that spot on the couch because the doll could never sit on the floor!

Her oldest brother and sister are headed off to college this fall and they cannot wait to get away from their little sister!

O thank you for bringing back sweet memories.
I forgot about my SIl. This was years ago but she was also spoiled rotten and pampered beyond belief.
The first time she was having dinner at my husbands family we almost felt from our chairs.
She was not able to put food on her plate herself and when she asked who could cut the meat in tiny pieces because "daddy or mommy always take care of it" we were stunned. When my FIL told her to do it herself she started crying and left the table.

22 Years and not able to deal with a simple meal. Needles to say the marriage did not last long.

 

[SandrA9810]

i can understand if there was a medical problem, but from the time the child was a baby till 4, the OP took regular care of him. And probably knows he has the ability to behave, be good, and not throw tantrums. And probably everything he was taught at her house has gone out the window in the past year because her sister doesn't want to be a parent.

 

[minkydog]

O thank you for bringing back sweet memories.
I forgot about my SIl. This was years ago but she was also spoiled rotten and pampered beyond belief.
The first time she was having dinner at my husbands family we almost felt from our chairs.
She was not able to put food on her plate herself and when she asked who could cut the meat in tiny pieces because "daddy or mommy always take care of it" we were stunned. When my FIL told her to do it herself she started crying and left the table.

22 Years and not able to deal with a simple meal. Needles to say the marriage did not last long.

 

[punkin]

I try to mind my own business when it comes to the way other people raise their children. If a relative of mine wants to spoil their kid, well, that's their prerogative.

What I can't stand is destructive, out-of-control children. Ever had a kid in your house who tries to handle things that she shouldn't (like a Hummel figurine), and the parent's response is, "let her break it--I'll pay for it"? I have, and it was an awkward situation.

Fortunately, the kids in my family and circle of friends right now are fairly well-behaved. When my brother's kids were growing up, they had cousins (SIL's niece and nephew) who were like Tasmanian devils--they destroyed anything or everything in their paths. In my 20's, I had a close friend whose kids were like the spawn of Satan.

All this chat lately about "snowflakes" really grates on my nerves. The children I come in contact these days seem to be much better at behaving themselves than the ones I was around in the 1980's.

ETA: If your sister doesn't "even realize" she is creating a monster, perhaps you should talk to her gently about it? She is your sister, after all. I wouldn't tell a friend how to raise her children, but I would talk to my own sister. This child is your flesh and blood too. You know that spoiling him isn't a good thing, so for his sake and hers, maybe a little discussion is in order.

It grates on my nerves too. Particularly since in my experience it seems to have no basis in reality.

 

[FayeW]

I am guilty of trying to stay 3 steps ahead of my 15 yr old PITA, I mean snowflake. To say my daughter is difficult would be the understatement of the year. She can behave very well when she wants to, and is well liked by her friends' parents. She lives to push my buttons, though, and I guess I bring out the worst in her. I have frequently engineered things just so I wouldn't have to fight a battle that I knew was coming otherwise. Sometimes it was so she wouldn't ruin things for her little brother. That kid has been compromising since the day he was born.

For the record, she doesn't get everything she wants...not even close. I have no issue punishing her or saying no to her. Sometimes she just behaves like an entitled brat.

 

[5lilfish]

My nephew is 5yo, but acts 2, because my sister gives into every single whim. He has always been a whiny kid. I watched him every morning from the time he was born until about a year ago. He didn't get away with that in my house. What happens in his house, I have no control over,but I don't give in to crying tantrums.

He hasn't been at my house in over a year. My sister gives him everything and anything he asks for. OK, that's fine, I don't have to deal with him on a daily basis, so what do I care. But now, as he is getting older, I see what kind of monster she is creating.

Here are a few examples. In February, my DS10 had a bowling party. I invited my sister to come by with nephew. My sister knew it was a party of 10 year old boys. I invited my nephew because I know he likes to bowl. My sister shows up, and asks me if I asked for the bumper lanes. I told her I did not, because the kids are 10yo and they would think the bumpers are babyish. She lookd at me wide-eyed and shocked. She needed the bumpers because her DS cries and carries on if he doesn't knock down any pins. So, instead of teaching the kid that's it's OK to miss, it's lets just make him happy. The thing is, even having the bumpers doesn't guarantee he will knock down a pin every time. (he didn't and we all knew it).

So, more recently, like today. I call my sister up to see what her and my nephew were doing this afternoon. I decided spur of the moment to take the kids to see Toy Story 3 and wanted to invite them along. She thought about it, and then decided no, because the next movie her ds wants to see is The Karate Kid. WHAT???? So, he can't see ANYTHING else before he sees the Karate Kid?

I mean, I have heard of parents spoiling their kids, but my sister has taken it to another level.

Just venting here. I truly hope my sister realizes soon she needs to stop this, or he is gong to be a monster in the coming years.

Having recently gone through having my parenting methods judged by my DH's family, I'd say that you get to raise your kids and your sister gets to raise hers. You may not agree with your sister but you have to respect her right to parent her child the way she sees fit. Rest assured that she probably doesn't think you are doing everything right either...but she has been smart enough to keep that to herself (although it does appear that you have also kept your opinions in check).

Jess

 

[ksjayhawks]

The bowling incident probably could have been handled better by both the sister and the OP. There is no reason 5 yr olds can't have bumpers, but sister shouldn't expect that the 10 yr olds would. However, that could be easily handled if the alley wasn't busy and could put up bumpers for him.

As to the movie, I have a different take. OP's dd was going over to sister and nephews for the evening. Sister called to see if dd wanted to come over earlier. In the meantime OP decides to take kids to the movies and asks sister if she and nephew want to go. Sister says no as nephew wants to see Karate Kid next. OP assumes sister is protecting nephew from a meltdown. What if sister had asked nephew if he wanted to see TS3 and he said no I want to see Karate Kid? Is that wrong? No. Sister made the decision that the two of them would not go. So the OP should let it go and move on.

I have been asked to the movies by friends, to see a certain movie that I really did not want to see as I would rather go to another one first, and I have said no. It happens.

So, bowling incident could show some signs of spoiling (but to me more of a mishandled situation on both parts), but movie--to me at least--doesn't.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I've been working with preschoolers for over 8 years and we're seeing more and more kids who have their parents jumping through hoops to keep them happy. Granted, the kids in my class have special needs and present different challenges, but the basic parenting techniques are the same.

We have one little boy who just turned 4. He is speech/language delayed but has also been so babied that he doesn't really need to say or do anything for himself. Our goal is to get our kids as independent as possible. They are perfectly capable of carrying their own backpacks and putting them away. They need a little guidance for about a week but then they can all do it with no problem. The father of this little boy insisted on carrying him and his backpack into the room. If he put him down, he would scream his head off and the dad couldn't handle it. We finally convinced him to just open the door, give him a little push inside and then close it. We would deal with him from there. As soon as he realized that daddy wasn't going carry him or put his things away anymore, he stopped the behavior. Within a few weeks, he was walking in by himself and saying goodbye to daddy at the door.

When mom would pick him up to take him to daycare, he would run to her and ask if she put rice (his favorite food) in his lunch. If she said, "No, you have noodles today," he would scream his little head off. She would start jumping through hoops to make him happy. "Oh do you want rice? Maybe we can go home and get some before you go to daycare...Oh wait! I don't have any cooked at home....Maybe we can stop at a restaurant and buy some...But then mommy will be late getting back to work...Don't worry, mommy will get you rice!" After witnessing this a few times and seeing how exasperated she would get, we told her not to get the rice. Just say, "No, you have noodles today" and ignore the screaming. I know it's hard, but you can't give in or he will learn that screaming gets him whatever he wants. So she stopped giving in and guess what? He stopped asking for rice after 2 days. If he got it, fine. If he didn't, fine. Some parents just don't want to hear the screaming or see the child unhappy but sometimes, you have to let it happen. Believe me, I know how hard it is. My oldest son is mildly autistic (Asperger's) and I've dealt with my share of tantrums. I also learned that I can never, ever give in to them or I'll be back at square one.

 

[SaraJayne]

I've been working with preschoolers for over 8 years and we're seeing more and more kids who have their parents jumping through hoops to keep them happy. Granted, the kids in my class have special needs and present different challenges, but the basic parenting techniques are the same.

We have one little boy who just turned 4. He is speech/language delayed but has also been so babied that he doesn't really need to say or do anything for himself. Our goal is to get our kids as independent as possible. They are perfectly capable of carrying their own backpacks and putting them away. They need a little guidance for about a week but then they can all do it with no problem. The father of this little boy insisted on carrying him and his backpack into the room. If he put him down, he would scream his head off and the dad couldn't handle it. We finally convinced him to just open the door, give him a little push inside and then close it. We would deal with him from there. As soon as he realized that daddy wasn't going carry him or put his things away anymore, he stopped the behavior. Within a few weeks, he was walking in by himself and saying goodbye to daddy at the door.

When mom would pick him up to take him to daycare, he would run to her and ask if she put rice (his favorite food) in his lunch. If she said, "No, you have noodles today," he would scream his little head off. She would start jumping through hoops to make him happy. "Oh do you want rice? Maybe we can go home and get some before you go to daycare...Oh wait! I don't have any cooked at home....Maybe we can stop at a restaurant and buy some...But then mommy will be late getting back to work...Don't worry, mommy will get you rice!" After witnessing this a few times and seeing how exasperated she would get, we told her not to get the rice. Just say, "No, you have noodles today" and ignore the screaming. I know it's hard, but you can't give in or he will learn that screaming gets him whatever he wants. So she stopped giving in and guess what? He stopped asking for rice after 2 days. If he got it, fine. If he didn't, fine. Some parents just don't want to hear the screaming or see the child unhappy but sometimes, you have to let it happen. Believe me, I know how hard it is. My oldest son is mildly autistic (Asperger's) and I've dealt with my share of tantrums. I also learned that I can never, ever give in to them or I'll be back at square one.

Bingo!

After spending a day this weekend with a great-niece (who's almost 3) who would throw tantrum after tantrum because how dare her mother make her walk anywhere, I agree with you.

Of course, Mom would listen to her cry and scream for a minute or so, say "Ella, Mommy is not picking you up"...all the while walking towards her to pick her up.

When she tried that with me, I walked away from her...and guess what? She followed me.

Nobody wants to be around her ~ at not even 3 years old. She's a very unpleasant kid...literally all she does is whine all. the. time. Ugh.

 

[JerseyJanice]

It grates on my nerves too. Particularly since in my experience it seems to have no basis in reality.

Thank you! Now I know there is at least one other Diser who does not see the so-called “snowflake phenomena” IRL. I think it’s simply the in-thing to say on message boards and doesn’t have any basis in fact.

Bingo!

After spending a day this weekend with a great-niece (who's almost 3) who would throw tantrum after tantrum because how dare her mother make her walk anywhere, I agree with you.

Of course, Mom would listen to her cry and scream for a minute or so, say "Ella, Mommy is not picking you up"...all the while walking towards her to pick her up.

When she tried that with me, I walked away from her...and guess what? She followed me.

Nobody wants to be around her ~ at not even 3 years old. She's a very unpleasant kid...literally all she does is whine all. the. time. Ugh.

Could it be that your grand-niece is having typical 2/3 year-old temper tantrums? The expression, “the terrible twos,” comes to mind.

I would much prefer to be around overbearing (helicopter) parents and their kids than around parents who let their kids run wild. At family gatherings back in the 80s (long before I ever heard the word “snowflake” used to describe children), my sister-in-law’s nephew and niece would jump on furniture, deliberately spill and throw things, run around, and scream bloody murder while their parents completely ignored them. It would have been much enjoyable at our family events if these parents had tried to appease their children like your grand-niece’s mother does.

 

[SaraJayne]

Thank you! Now I know there is at least one other Diser who does not see the so-called “snowflake phenomena” IRL. I think it’s simply the in-thing to say on message boards and doesn’t have any basis in fact.



Could it be that your grand-niece is having typical 2/3 year-old temper tantrums? The expression, “the terrible twos,” comes to mind.

I would much prefer to be around overbearing (helicopter) parents and their kids than around parents who let their kids run wild. At family gatherings back in the 80s (long before I ever heard the word “snowflake” used to describe children), my sister-in-law’s nephew and niece would jump on furniture, deliberately spill and throw things, run around, and scream bloody murder while their parents completely ignored them. It would have been much enjoyable at our family events if these parents had tried to appease their children like your grand-niece’s mother does.

No, it's just her personality.

She has two cousins that are the exact same age and while they have tantrums once in a while (typical 2/3 old tantrums) they are generally happy little girls who engage others and are happy to be around other people.