MY SIL has seen her baby grandchild ...

[Wishing on a star]

There are two sides to every story...

I am remembering the recent thread about the 'perfect' grandma, who never seemed to have the time to see one set of grandchildren....

 

[MariDisney]

I think your SIL should have a talk with her son and DIL. There seems to be some hurt feelings, some assumptions and a lot of miscommunication. I am a Nana and if I was always calling to visit my DGD but was told that it was inconvenient I would not let it go at that. I would ask when it would be convenient. I would also ask if I could help by watching the baby so Mom and Dad could have a meal or movie out. It seems to me that no one asks the proper questions.

Can I visit?"
"Not today, it is not a good time."
"Okay."

Is that it? No conversation about when time together is possible? No asking how it is going and if there is any way to help? In 4 months no one has probed to find out why only two visits? If I knew that my DDIL has had nights without sleep I would not be waiting for an invitation, I would be on the phone offering to sit with the baby so she could have a nap, get her hair done, go shopping or just take a bath. I would ask if I could bring meals, pick up groceries or run errands. No way would I just let her go on exhausted.

Not everyone has the social skills to extend invitations and not everyone knows how to ask for help when they are tired. I would have no problem asking my DD if they need help or taking the baby when they visited me. If my DS and DDIL have a child I hope that I have fostered the kind of relationship with my DGD to enable me to ask the questions I need to in order to find out how best to visit or to have them visit me.

I am close to the young couple down the street and take their baby for a little while whenever I can but what I found was that when she and the little one visited she was really here for a little break. Sometimes just taking the baby, making Mom a cup of tea and the time to just sit back knowing that the baby is cared for is the best present. It took a little effort on my part though, this new Mom had no idea that I was happy to help, as much for or perhaps more for me as for her.

THIS is the best post ever on the DIS.

 

[KAMLEM]

I understand that - but where on God's green earth did that "assumption" come from based on the very few sentences the OP typed? This is all she wrote:

Twice since he was born

In 4 months
The day he was born

Three weeks later she slept there 2 nights so Mommie could get some sleep when Daddy (her son) was out of town

She is a giving , wonderful woman-her other son visits often (every other week) with hisDD

Both sons are mature, good jobs, late 30's-live only 15 minutes apart


She is hurt

-----------------------------------------------



That's quite a leap in my book..

I don't see why it's such a leap, the poster is just making a suggestion.

As for me, I have had issues with my MIL at times but I would never deny her access to my child especially since she now lives with me. In fact my Mom and My MIL live with me...DH is in Iraq too.

You deserve a gold medal!

 

[lillygator]

well my inlaws live 20 min away half the year....the other half in Ohio....not once during 6 months in ohio do they ever call to check on the girls..when they are hear they are always wanting us to come over....HELLO they are retired and it is MUCH easier for them to hop in the car and drive over instead of us packing up two kids and then havign to listen to my MIL telling them not to touch almost everything in her house. my mil is also a neat freak and will start sweeping or putting clothes away, etc which bugs me to no end....we invite them over for holidays and bdays and that is about it.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Doesn't sound like she's had much of a relationship with them prior, so why is it bothering her now?

 

[Nancyg56]

well my inlaws live 20 min away half the year....the other half in Ohio....not once during 6 months in ohio do they ever call to check on the girls..when they are hear they are always wanting us to come over....HELLO they are retired and it is MUCH easier for them to hop in the car and drive over instead of us packing up two kids and then havign to listen to my MIL telling them not to touch almost everything in her house. my mil is also a neat freak and will start sweeping or putting clothes away, etc which bugs me to no end....we invite them over for holidays and bdays and that is about it.

My MIL was like that. Very old school thinking. When my husband (their son) died I was alone with the three, all under 5 YO. They would drive by my house every Friday to grocery shop but never came by to see the kids. They really believed it was up to me to bring the kids to them. Are you serious? I made up my mind that I would never do that to my kids when they had children of their own.

I also had not fond memories of visits with grandparents so my DH and I make a point of letting my DGHD know that when she visits here this is her home. WE have a child friendly home so whenever she or any of our friends with children are here they are comfortable. Things can be replaced, children's feelings can be hurt forever.

 

[mickeywho?]

I think she may have to take a look at her own actions and what she can do to improve/change before crying victim.
A little taste of my story: My boys were the first grandchildren on both sides. Both sets of grandparents live less than 1/2 hour away. After my 2nd was born my mom would come over once or twice a week (always calling ahead) and I welcomed her visits. While she was here she would take the baby for a walk or my older son to the park. She would help me start dinner or feed the kids while I showered. She'd fold laundry if she saw anything sitting in baskets (that had probably been like that for days...).
My ILs - well all of her visits were a production. She'd give me a couple of days notice so I would clean the house before she got here - "just wanted to give you enough warning - I know you wouldn't want to be caught off-guard with a messy house". Her visit would consist of her sitting on the couch while I offered coffee and cake (it was always a special occasion ya know) and she may hold the baby if he was asleep and expected the older one to entertain her. Not something I looked forward to....
I thought maybe this type of grandparenting was because I am an IL but she's just the same with her daughter now that she has twins. My SIL actually drives 1 hour to go to her house to visit nearly every week so that the kids will have her in their lives. She's actually gotten worse over the years. And ya know she really doesn't see anything wrong in it. She feels she has a very close relationship with the boys because of how wonderful a grandma she is...

 

[rie'smom]

Growing up, we went to visit grandparents. With our kids, it was both. Sometimes we went and sometimes they came over to our house. My parents were more involved. My in laws were not as involved but my MIL's mom died before she had kids, so she didn't know how helpful grandparents can be. Her MIL was from the 'children are to be seen and not heard' school and didn't help her. I didn't resent them because I understood/stand their experiences. IMO, judging inlaws or having expectations can make people miserable and I'd rather be happy. I love(d) (FIL died a coupoe of years ago) my inlaws and they loved me in spite of our differing opinions on things. I guess it's because we respected each other.