My partner feels isolated - I'm not sure how to help...

[Princesca]

TLDR (but please read the full spiel if you can); My partner moved to my state to be with me, and after a couple of months, says she feels isolated and alone, but doesn't like my ideas for being more social and isn't coming up with her own.

So my partner in this relatively young relationship (about a year) has moved to my home state to move in with me. There is a significant age gap between us, so it is safe to say we are at somewhat different stages of our lives, but this has worked well for us so far. She's twelve years younger than me, and injects a playfulness into my life that I never had, even as a child really, and I like to think that I give her life a certain stability and direction/motivation that she was missing.

Since she's been here, only about 2-3 months now, she's been periodically sad about having left her life behind. She really had three close friends where she used to live, all roommates, and her family was all elsewhere and has been for almost ten years, and she is romanticizing things a bit now because before she moved, she complained to me quite often about how unhappy she was there. By most accounts, her life is better here. She's making a better wage, it's a much better cost of living, her living situation is vastly better, and her new job has more upward mobility. She says she's finding it hard to like it here, but allows that she was equally unhappy at first in the place she used to live.

So my thinking is, logically, she needs more time here to settle in and make new friends. To help her accomplish that, I came up with joining a local Unitarian church. Neither of us are particularly religious, but I saw it as a welcoming place to socialize, that would be accepting of the fact that we are a same-sex couple, and an easy way to get involved in the community and get into some volunteer work. The Unitarian church is typically very active in causes we both support.

So we went once, and she agreed to go to the orientation and give it a try, but now she's saying the congregation is too old (and it really is a significantly different age demographic from both of us - mostly retired folks, very few younger couples). That doesn't really matter to me, because I find something interesting about all kinds of people, but it bothers her.

So I said, 'Okay, fair enough... I understand that not every group is going to be a fit. Why don't you take a look around on the Internet and see if you can find some ideas that are a better fit with what you're looking for? I'm happy to try anything with you.' And she looks, but she skips from one idea to the next and doesn't seem satisfied with any of them for some reason or another. Like she suggests taking a class, but really, IMHO, a class isn't the best place to go to meet new friends because you tend to go for the class, sit through instruction, then everyone packs up after and goes home. And she says she's horrible at leading a conversation, but I think that conversing is kind of a basic thing required to make new friends anywhere. So if you are unwilling or unable to carry on a conversation with someone, regardless of how old they are or where you are, it's going to be hard for you to be anything other than isolated.

Long story short, I feel like she's unhappy, but the ideas I'm coming up with to try are being shot down, and she's not willing to come up with any of her own or take the lead in solving her own problems. I am also hyper-aware of not wanting to be her parent, and I know it's a fine line between being supportive as the one person she knows well here, and trying to fix her life for her. I've suggested she might want to see a counselor, so she has someone to talk to here besides me that she can confide in, but she doesn't seem very motivated to do that either.

So I don't know what to do now. I love her like crazy. I really want her to be happy here. I've invited her to tons of stuff with my family, and she's gone along. I've introduced her to one of my best friends who was visiting from out of town and honestly they got along SO well... but I guess that was MY friend and maybe she doesn't feel comfortable interacting with her on Facebook or wherever on her own? I'm trying to help her find a home here as best I can.

So... what are my options here, fellow DIS-ers? Should I keep suggesting counseling? Should I just listen and wait for her to find her own way? I am kind of approaching the point where I feel like if your unhappiness follows you from place to place, then the issue is really within, and no amount of socializing is going to solve that problem. Only really working on yourself will fix that. But as soon as I think that, it feels so cold to me...

 

[Christine]

I think, at this point, you should back off a bit. Without knowing anything more of each of your personalities than what you wrote, I'm going to go out on a ledge here and say that your girlfriend is an introvert and you are an extrovert. It's very hard, if you are an extrovert, to really "get" an introvert (although introverts really "get" extroverts). Extroverts tend to view social abilities one way or the highway kind of thing (sorry didn't mean to get all psychobabble on you)!

So as an introvert myself, but one with extroverted tendencies, I would probably not do well in the situations you described either. I'd definitely beg off the church thing. I know that churches are great places to meet people, but the religion should be the important factor or else it's kind of false.

Honestly, I have never had much luck finding friends in forced situations like you are thinking. Sure, I might find acquaintences, but I don't care for that. I want to find "real" friends and that's not often done at outings. It gets particularly hard as an adult.

I believe she has to do this on her own. She also has to be patient as it takes time. Lots of time. Some of my best friends today are those that I found through work. I remember being overseas with my husband and I was very isolated. We tried and tried various things with his coworkers (dinners, card games, etc) and I could just never click with their wives in that scenario. I was finally able to find myself a job in a store and I found my own friends that way. And I had my own, separate social life from him. It was fine to go out in groups with his friends and their wives and have mindless talk, but they weren't the "friends" I was craving and it sounds like she is looking for that. Introverts really need and crave that close circle of friends. I remember when one of my friends left the place we were living overseas and I think I mourned for months!

But, she does seem to be a little less open-minded about trying something. As you find out when you live with someone, she may be the sort that is just a little unhappy about things and there's not much you can do.

So, I don't have any good suggestions for you, just commiseration! I think you, yourself, should try to do some research on the personality of an introvert. But I could have that part of the equation all wrong!!

 

[Princesca]

Thanks, Christine... you're right. It takes her a long time to develop close friendships, I'm sure, and she does rely upon them. I'm sure making new ones seems a bit insurmountable to her, right now. I am not purely an extrovert myself... I prefer deep, long conversations with one or two people to interacting with big groups. Big groups wear me out, emotionally. I can function, but I need recharge time after, whereas more intimate conversations do actually recharge me. So I can identify a little bit.

We had a long talk on Friday, and she agreed to check out her health plan's mental health benefits to see what they would cover about talking with a therapist. We agree that it would do her good to have someone to talk to here, other than me. I also told her that I would be going to the UU church and getting involved there because that was something I felt like *I* needed, and I'd love to have her with me, but it was also okay if she preferred to do something else. She is prone to codependency, and I am prone to too much independence, so hopefully we will settle out somewhere in the middle in a comfortable spot for both of us.

The difficulty with meeting good friends is that no one ever really plans that... they kind of just happen into your life. So I think the best we can do is put ourselves in places where we meet a steady stream of people, and see if some of them "stick".

 

[LoriWV]

I have a dear friend who recently moved her to be with her now husband, who is also a dear friend. She has welcomed friendships with many of us who know her husband and this has become part of her social circle. I had lunch with her on her own recently, and she shared that one of the things that was finally making her feel useful and like part of the community was finding some things she enjoyed that might be with some of us, but did not necessarily involve her husband. She had traveled extensively and lived in several big cities before moving to our small town. I think having her own identity has been a key to finding happiness. I'm not sure how to suggest your partner go about doing something similar, but if she could find a way, it might help.

 

[Princesca]

I have a dear friend who recently moved her to be with her now husband, who is also a dear friend. She has welcomed friendships with many of us who know her husband and this has become part of her social circle. I had lunch with her on her own recently, and she shared that one of the things that was finally making her feel useful and like part of the community was finding some things she enjoyed that might be with some of us, but did not necessarily involve her husband. She had traveled extensively and lived in several big cities before moving to our small town. I think having her own identity has been a key to finding happiness. I'm not sure how to suggest your partner go about doing something similar, but if she could find a way, it might help.

That is a good point and is definitely one of my concerns. I am keeping my eyes open for opportunities for her, and trying to suggest ideas when I come across them, for her to do some things on her own. But her past relationship was fairly codependent, and I'm afraid that's kind of just what she's used to. I love feeling needed and wanted, but I know it's not healthy for her to be solely fixated on me, either.

 

[iivye]

I think taking artistic classes from your local parks & rec (pottery, scrapbooking, jewelry making, cake decorating, etc) would be a good place to meet friends. Also, I don't know your partner's age or physical abilities but joining a recreational sports team might help too. I know I joined a roller derby team when I was in my thirties and I made friends that I still hang out with even though I quit skating a few years ago. It's incredibly hard making friends as an adult especially if you are not an outgoing person to begin with.

 

[Princesca]

I think taking artistic classes from your local parks & rec (pottery, scrapbooking, jewelry making, cake decorating, etc) would be a good place to meet friends. Also, I don't know your partner's age or physical abilities but joining a recreational sports team might help too. I know I joined a roller derby team when I was in my thirties and I made friends that I still hang out with even though I quit skating a few years ago. It's incredibly hard making friends as an adult especially if you are not an outgoing person to begin with.

From a depression perspective, I know exercise is supposed to help, so we did join up for fitness classes at the local parks center. And she is an artist, so one of the things I have been keeping an eye out for is local art workshops and things like that at the library. Roller Derby would be an interesting option! I hadn't thought about a sports team, but that might not be a bad idea... I'll run it by her!

 

[prprincess]

I am kind of approaching the point where I feel like if your unhappiness follows you from place to place, then the issue is really within, and no amount of socializing is going to solve that problem. Only really working on yourself will fix that. But as soon as I think that, it feels so cold to me...

Not cold, but the truth. I was in your partner's shoes when I was in my 20s. I moved to CA to be with my boyfriend and my story really mirrors hers. I didn't have a hard time meeting people, but just making meaningful connections and feeling like I belonged (I was always "the girl from back east"). After all was said and done, the stress really took a toll on our relationship and we broke up. I was determined to make the move work so I stayed in CA for almost a year longer, but then decided it was best to move back to NJ to work on myself with the support of my family.

Unlike you, my ex was NOT supportive at all and couldn't understand why I wasn't thrilled to have left NJ for CA. He didn't understand how much I gave up, but at least you do. Keep supporting your partner--keep on suggesting things to do, places to go, and people to meet. Eventually she'll find some things and people she will enjoy. And yes, I would definitely suggest the counseling. In hindsight, it would have helped me through the situation. Seems like you're doing the best you can--keep it up!

 

[Poohlove]

I don't think that you sound cold at all, at the risk of me sounding cold I think she should take some ownership and she should be looking more for things that interest her. She might discover some independence that way too. It sounds like you are more than supportive and I don't mean leave her flapping in the breeze but just scale back your efforts a bit and lend an ear. Sometimes when I am upset with someone nothing they say is right even if it is if that makes any sense at all.

Best of luck to you both!

 

[Princesca]

Seems like you're doing the best you can--keep it up!

Thank you! I really want this to work out, so I'm trying everything I can think of. Thanks for sharing your experience!

 

[Princesca]

I don't think that you sound cold at all, at the risk of me sounding cold I think she should take some ownership and she should be looking more for things that interest her. She might discover some independence that way too. It sounds like you are more than supportive and I don't mean leave her flapping in the breeze but just scale back your efforts a bit and lend an ear. Sometimes when I am upset with someone nothing they say is right even if it is if that makes any sense at all.

Best of luck to you both!

I haven't felt like she's been upset with me - she's been pretty clear that when she gets sad, she doesn't even know why she is most of the time. But I do think that she needs to find her own way. I'll be there all the way, but she's got to grab the reins.

 

[wilkeliza]

Just not she did come up with one idea but you seem to have shot it down. I would go back to her and encourage her to find a class she would be interested in. Yes she may not make friends in a class but she could. Also you get to meet different people in classes and if she took something that was not lecture based but a little more involved she could meet some new people and become friends with them. Is she not up to doing things on her own yet? If she is into sports would she do it on her own? If so let her. Is there something she is really into like Movies, Literature, Art, Harry Potter, Etc? If so encourage her to join a meet up group. It does not have to be something you both enjoy it can be something that is her own. If she finds one of these groups in your area encourage her to go. Let her know you are one call or text away from making up an excuse if she wants to ditch.

Besides that if she is battling depression and her insurance doesn't cover therapy there are some newer apps that offer affordable video counseling. They can't prescribe medicine or anything but if she just needs talk therapy at this point and doesn't have mental health coverage it could be a good starting point.

 

[Princesca]

Thanks! I hadn't thought of the app idea, but I know there are some virtual counseling places now. I might suggest she take a look around for some of those. All therapy seems pretty cost prohibitive, but if you need it, you need it!

In terms of shooting down her idea, it wasn't my intent, and I did tell her that I was more than willing to take classes with her - I love to learn. But I do still believe it's probably not the best place to meet people. (Especially because she was talking about something that wasn't activity-based, like astronomy.) I definitely do support her finding things to do on her own as well. I'd love for her to find like an oil painting class. She'd enjoy that, and I would be totally okay with not going as I can't even draw a decent circle.

 

[Poohlove]

Has she tried yoga? The physical, mental and emotional effects of yoga are wonderful and she may make a friend or two there. I go to the same classes every week and of course there are people who come and go but there is a small group who is primarily the same. I get to the studio a little bit early and as long as no one is centering we all have light conversation and the instructor always starts the class out with something to open up a dialogue among the students. The one class that I take she does partner stretches which force you to at least say hi to someone and at the end of class the topic from the beginning is often revisited.

There are so many different kinds of classes, you don't have to be super fit or flexible to go.

 

[Princesca]

Actually, it's funny you should mention that, because we just two days ago signed up at our county's activities center with the intention of taking exercise classes. She went to yoga last night and really loved it. So we'll be going together to that a couple of times a week, and then she's doing some cardio classes on her own. I am focusing on yoga and bellydance. I am kinda past the point of my life where I want to make myself vomit from pushing too hard in exercise classes. LOL. She mentioned burpees and I was like, "Yeah, have fun with that! I'll see you in yoga class."

 

[LindenTree]

Back off, back way way off.

You're trying to fix this problem, and you're going in with guns a-blazin'. If she's in a funk, or even depressed, she's going to find a way to reject all of your ideas, because that's what depression does to your mind.

She moved a long distance to be with you, left her friends, and she doesn't have a family there. You have established friends and family. That's a huge support system for you, and zero for her. You are her support system, but you're not supporting, you're pushing. You're going to push her over the edge.

Instead of suggesting things, LISTEN to her. Even if you're listening to the same thing a gazillion times over. Don't suggest anything. When she says "I don't have any friends," say something like "yeah, it's hard to move to a whole new place and start over." Validate her feelings. Over and over. They are legit. Instead of suggesting things, ask her what she thinks would help. If she says "I dunno," you respond with, "let me know if you want suggestions, otherwise I'll just listen and be here for you." If she comes up with a suggestion, for Pete's sake, don't shoot it down!

Because that's what she needs: You to be there for her, you to acknowledge that she's done a really really hard thing, and to know that she's loved and supported.

 

[Princesca]

Back off, back way way off.

You're trying to fix this problem, and you're going in with guns a-blazin'. If she's in a funk, or even depressed, she's going to find a way to reject all of your ideas, because that's what depression does to your mind.

She moved a long distance to be with you, left her friends, and she doesn't have a family there. You have established friends and family. That's a huge support system for you, and zero for her. You are her support system, but you're not supporting, you're pushing. You're going to push her over the edge.

Instead of suggesting things, LISTEN to her. Even if you're listening to the same thing a gazillion times over. Don't suggest anything. When she says "I don't have any friends," say something like "yeah, it's hard to move to a whole new place and start over." Validate her feelings. Over and over. They are legit. Instead of suggesting things, ask her what she thinks would help. If she says "I dunno," you respond with, "let me know if you want suggestions, otherwise I'll just listen and be here for you." If she comes up with a suggestion, for Pete's sake, don't shoot it down!

Because that's what she needs: You to be there for her, you to acknowledge that she's done a really really hard thing, and to know that she's loved and supported.

I have listened. And listened. And listened some more. I do regret shooting down the class idea now, though I didn't really shoot it down... I said I'd be happy to do that with her if she wanted, I just added that if it was socialization she wanted, my experience was that classes aren't a very good way to do that. (YMMV) But I should have embraced it more completely. I am learning, too, in all this. I've never known anyone like her, in many respects, and her thinking patterns aren't familiar to me yet. I am trying the best I know how, but it's going to be an imperfect process.

My concern at this point is that, at some point, I fear becoming an enabler, and because I want to see her realize her dreams, I don't want to be like her last partner, who basically catered to her every mood swing and impulse and created a codependent relationship with her that didn't seem to serve either of them well. She is an amazing person, and I love her just the way she is, but because I love her, I also want her to have a fulfilling life that satisfies her own standards.

What I have to accept, though, is that only she can improve her situation. I'll keep listening and being as supportive as i can, but eventually, if she can't come to solutions that help her, and try them until she finds something that works for her, I worry this is going to damage our relationship past a point that it can be sustainable.

 

[jerseygal]

All the posts on some sort of exercise, jogging, power walking, Zumba, yoga, working out at a gym including classes will be great for transition, keeping fit, and natural release of endorphins. Speaking with a skilled counselor specializing in relocation and life change could give insight as well. Our family was relocated for DH position and it took me a VERY long time due to feeling loss of family and friends. Was very lucky having great support of DH and sons suggesting new ideas. Keep supporting! Best of luck!

 

[LindenTree]

Is she getting therapy and meds? If she's not, you can suggest that -- "look, this seems to be moving into a pattern of depression. I think you need outside help." You can offer to call around and find places that take her insurance. At one point in time, my husband drove me to my therapy appointment a couple of times because I was not able to drive.

I'm not sure you can "enable" depression like you can addiction. It's not something you can "snap out of" or "just get over". It takes hard work, and often medicine. You can be supportive without catering to her every mood swing. If she's had mental health issues for a while, and isn't working on them, then it's a reason to think about your relationship. If she is working on them, then you have to be patient.

 

[wilkeliza]

One thing I've noticed is you are doing a lot of things together. Does the class have to be the two of you? Does yoga have to be the two of you? Try to balance how much you are doing together and what she is doing on her own. I know you may enjoy yoga but it sounds like she went once by herself. Why not keep letting her go by herself. With the class she seemed interested but you latter said you didn't like the idea of it and your experiences in classes and that is why you tried to steer her away from it.