My Not So Dear DIL

[WhenUwishUponAstar]

Why not a compromise? Hour away from parents, hour commute

I vote for this one. I mean an hour is nothing just seems logical to me.

 

[MomofKatie]

OK, this may seem kinda silly, but do couples never talk about stuff before they marry? I would think that this is a major life issue (i.e, how attached are you to your parents, would you ever want to move, etc.) that couples would want to, oh I don't know, DISCUSS before they make a lifelong committment to each other!!!

They wouldn't be having this crisis now if they knew how each other felt prior to this.

I guess that is why there is so much divorce in today's society.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

Originally posted by MomofKatie
OK, this may seem kinda silly, but do couples never talk about stuff before they marry? I would think that this is a major life issue (i.e, how attached are you to your parents, would you ever want to move, etc.) that couples would want to, oh I don't know, DISCUSS before they make a lifelong committment to each other!!!

They wouldn't be having this crisis now if they knew how each other felt prior to this.

I guess that is why there is so much divorce in today's society.

This is one of the things our Pastor stressed in pre-marital counseling. That we needed to decide before hand who got the final say in major decisions like moving for a job, buying a house, etc.

We both decided that we would move for DH's job if need be because mine can be done any where (SAHM). And I would get the final decision of what house to buy since I would be there most of the time.

I am glad we discussed these things before hand. It has really helped us out.

 

[dianeschlicht]

Originally posted by WilmaBud
Two hours is not "nothing" when you're close to your family. I wouldn't move that far from my family at this point on my life. And I'm not "goofy." I moved across the country with my DH when we were younger, but I knew it was temporary.

Since when are jobs more important than family? Different people have different value systems. Her feelings are valid and important, whether you agree with them or not.

Two hours seems like "nothing" to many of us because in a big city, you can drive that long from one end to the other pretty easily.

The main point I see here is that her husband IS her family!!!

 

[bananiem]

I moved 4.5 hours away from my parents and siblings when I got married almost 15 years ago. It was hard because I moved somewhere I didn't know anyone. (Well, except dh!) Maybe she doesn't have the self-confidence to think she can do it. If she's never moved before (like me) it's a HUGE thing.
On the other hand, I married my dh and wanted to make a life with him. My parents are older (had me when they were 43 and 47) and I've always felt I'd lose them when I'm still relatively young. I'm fortunate that I still have them but when they're gone I will have my dh and kids. I can still be a good daughter from 4.5 hours away but it was time to make a new life.
My advice is- Try it. Take the job, move. Say you'll give it two years. Tell her to throw herself into a job or volunteer work. Get to know people through church and the neighborhood. After 2 years reevaluate. Decide if it's time to move back or stay. Two more years on the resume can't hurt and some bill will get paid in the meantime.

 

[WilmaBud]

Her husband is not her only "family." I'm not a subserviant wife who just takes a back seat to everything my husband wants. I matter, too. My feelings and needs matter just as much as his do. MM's son hasn't exactly compromised in any way, either. My DH took a pay cut when he got out of the Navy AND after he got laid off from an IT job. Each time, we did what we had to do to make ends meet. I worked full time when my son was a baby, even though we had previously agreed I would stay home. And I got a part-time job later on when I had my daughter (a job I still have).

Sorry, I don't buy the "no jobs available" thing. If he lives in the Northeast, there are jobs available. Maybe they're not his dream jobs, but hey, you do what you have to do for your family (that goes for husbands as well as wives). I have a friend who's husband was an aeronautical engineer. She wanted to move closer to home, and there were no such jobs in that area, so he found something in another field. He does well, and they are BOTH happy. You know, it's not always about the wife doing for the husband.

I live in a community where there are many people who have lots of extended family around. Kids grow up seeing grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles frequently. It's kind of like "Mayberry." Some people (obviously a lot on this board) may think it's silly and limiting. But believe me, I think our lives are very rich. I feel sorry for anyone who sees no value in that. I'd rather live on a smaller scale financially, surrounded by people who love me, my DH and my kids. They are MY values, but I'm not saying they have to be everyone's. They are, however, valid and worthy of respect.

 

[frustrated]

My first post was in this thread, and I feel a need to jump in one more time. When I was married I believe I became "one" with my husband. There is nothing subservient about it. It is about doing what is best with the family that I chose to start. I have an awesome mom whom I have cared for through cancer and hip replacement etc. The fact that she lives a couple of hours away is not an issue.

It seems the young lady in this scenario is not committed to doing what's best for her family. She also does not seem willing to take a financial cut to make things work. I do agree that this would be a viable option. She appears to only care about what is good for her. Again, JMHO.

 

[Hagred]

Considering the fact that the husband turned down a few jobs he could have taken and is quickly going through the profits from the sale of the house while living off of his wife's parents, I can understand where the wife would be more secure knowing her parents were around. It would seem to me that they've been behind her and supported her more than the husband or the husband's family.

Looking at it from the daughter's point of view (a daughter who has children to take care of), she may be asking herself "If I were in dire straits, who would be the most likely to help me?" Obviously, if the husband is being pickey about what jobs he's going to take - even if it means bankruptcy - she's probably feeling that her parents are more likely to stand behind her and support her than her husband.

Sounds like their marriage is already under a great deal of strain, especially if the husband now wants to move so far away from the inlaws who have supported them through his unemployment. The last thing they'd need would be a MIL who told them "I told all my friends about your wife and everyone agrees that she's being selfish." Again, the DIL would have affirmation that her parents are more stable and supportive than DH AND DH's family.

 

[frustrated]

I missed the part about living off wife's parents! Hagred that is a good point! I still take exception to the use of the word subservient for someone who chooses her husband ver her biological family, however.

Tess

 

[padams]

ITA with Hagred. The DDIL likely needs the support of her parents during this stressful time. They have been the safety net for this family by taking them into their home.

Why should the DDIL take a job as a substitute teacher when the DS is turning down 50k jobs? She probably can't make 50k subbing. The DS needs to be realistic about his job prospects. The dot-com economy is not coming back any time soon. It was a bubble that could not be sustained. Employees were overpaid well beyond what they were worth because entreprenuers and the investment community believed that every company started in a garage might be the next Microsoft. Many 20 and 30-somethings who had these dot-com jobs are having difficulty dealing with being so "successful" so early in one's career and then realizing that their career prospects won't match what they had any time soon.

As for the MIL, I suspect you don't like your DDIL, and that this current issue is not the only time you have thought of her "as not so dear". I am sure your DDIL is aware of your feelings towards her- that may be why you haven't seen much of the grandchildren.

I also don't think you can complain about not seeing the grandchildren since you moved to Florida from having lived 15 minutes away. By moving so far away, you removed the chance of seeing much of your grandchildren. You can't blame that on the DDIL.

Just because you could move hundreds of miles away from your DS and grandchildren doesn't mean that your DDIL can or should move away from her family.

 

[Aristocath]

Maybe it is because I'm from Texas, but I don't think two hours is far away. I think it is great to have family close by, but really, it can take two hours to get from the west side of Fort Worth to the east side of Dallas.

 

[leighe]

This is just a question - so please don't flame me. To all of those posters who live so close to their parents - Do you live that close to both sets of parents or just one? That seems like it would be hard to do in many cases. DH and I met in college and were from opposite ends of the state. Right now we live about 30 minutes from his parents and 2.5 hours from mine - which I don't think is a big deal at all. We go down for weekends all the time. I feel very close to my family and have never really thought about where we live as being a factor. Of course, I was brought up about an hour away from both sets of grandparents and my extended family so maybe that's why it's not a big deal for me.

 

[Pembo]

Of course, I was brought up about an hour away from both sets of grandparents and my extended family so maybe that's why it's not a big deal for me

That is an excellent point. I grew up with one set of grandparents across the street and the other 10 mins across town. I was miserable being an hour away from parents. Now we are 15 mins and it is much better.

 

[arminnie]

I don't think I've seen anyone suggest that the DIL's parents move to be near them if they move away. If they really want to be that close why can't they move also?

If "family" (whatever definition you are using) is that important to the in-law parents maybe they should be willing to make some sacrifices also. Why can't they be the ones to give up career opportunites?

My friends have done that to be near their grown children. I know lots of parents that just say "if my children move away, I'll move there too." Of course in the Bay area it's pretty common for kids to move away as a 2BR condo 35 miles from downtown is over $600,000. Combine the ridiculous housing prices with the dot.com bust and most young people have to look elsewhere.

I know the distance thing is all in perspective. I think 2 hours is NOTHING and yet when I buy a new home here I don't want to be anyfurther away than I am now from my sister (2 miles) as it easier for us to pet sit this way. Ten miles when I have to go feed the cats twice a day would be too much!

 

[bananiem]

Originally posted by WilmaBud
I'm not a subserviant wife who just takes a back seat to everything my husband wants. I matter, too.

Woah!! I think my dh would be the FIRST to admit that the last word used to describe me is "subservient." I moved to be with him after our wedding because I didn't think the marriage would last if we lived in separate states. Seriously, he had a great job. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. How does that make me subservient?
As an aside, we said in the beginning we'd only live in Minnesota for a couple of years, then move back to Iowa. Well, once they start moving you up the ladder in a company it gets hard to move.
Plus, any jobs he's looked at don't have near the benefit package he has now. But I assure you staying here has been a choice we've made together.

 

[WilmaBud]

I don't recall calling anyone subserviant. I just said I'm not. FYI, if you've read the entire thread, you'd know I moved across the entire country to be with my husband when we were first married. I wasn't subserviant then, either. I never said that moving for your husband makes you subserviant. Putting his needs automatically ahead of your own does. Again, I'm not accusing anyone of that either. My point was and is that one spouse's job prospects should not supercede the other spouse's feelings and desires.

People are calling this woman selfish, goofy, immature, and all kinds of derogatory terms when they know nothing about her except that she wants to stay close geographically to her parents. They are also belittling others who choose to sacrifice other things in order to stay close to extended family. I take exception to that. My husband is my family, but he's not my only family. When I said I'm not subserviant, that's what I was referring to - my thoughts, feelings, and desires matter as much as my husband's do. I'm not making any accusations or judgements about anyone else.

Obviously, people are coming from different viewpoints as far as the value of staying close to extended family. That's fine, but there's no reason to belittle people who like to stay geographically close to their families.

 

[gshoemate]

Wow, when my DH was out of work I was willing to move just about any place that he could find a good job. We moved from Michigan to Florida, 2 hours away is nothing compared to that. She could go visit them any time she wanted to.

 

[yourtravelpro]

Originally posted by leighe
This is just a question - so please don't flame me. To all of those posters who live so close to their parents - Do you live that close to both sets of parents or just one? That seems like it would be hard to do in many cases. DH and I met in college and were from opposite ends of the state. Right now we live about 30 minutes from his parents and 2.5 hours from mine - which I don't think is a big deal at all. We go down for weekends all the time. I feel very close to my family and have never really thought about where we live as being a factor. Of course, I was brought up about an hour away from both sets of grandparents and my extended family so maybe that's why it's not a big deal for me.

I've lived close to my parent's my entire life, except for 1 year when I lived about 1500 miles away. Ironic part is that I was never closer to my parent's more than I was for that 1 year. I guess reason being is distance makes the heart grow fonder? Not sure, but we used to talk on the phone all the time and write letters. That was about 19 years ago before email and cell phones. I also saw them more in that year than I do now even though they live 30 miles away.

 

[makaylee]

Originally posted by WilmaBud

I'd rather live on a smaller scale financially, surrounded by people who love me, my DH and my kids. They are MY values, but I'm not saying they have to be everyone's. They are, however, valid and worthy of respect.

She obviously doesnt want a lower standard of living though. She wants the expensive cars and all the after school activaties for her kids. She cant go on living at her mom and dads forever. If she wants all the money it looks like she's gonna have to move. Its not like shes going to move to the other side of the country. With only a two hour drive they can see each other at least 2 times a week. Especially if shes a SAHM.

 

[annemariec]

As I've been reading this thread, I've been thinking there are two sides to every story. Sometimes three.

I think Hagred & Padams shared some thought provoking opinions.

Annemarie