My mother is trying to take over....

[colonialtinker]

I'm a mom who just went last year with my family. When it came to planning all of my ADULT children expected me to do all the planning. I was really very angry over this and let them know in no uncertain terms that I would only make the dining ressies. Everyone was on their own until it was time for dinner.

I also have a controlling mom!! I am over 50 and when momma calls my DH says I still jump. I would talk to your mom and tell her I'm sorry if your feelings get hurt but I want this trip to be special for my children and I have planned on some quality time with just my Family!! Your mom's feelings will be hurt but you have to do what's right for you and your family.

Hang in there.

 

[N&B'smom]

Ever think about the use of an tranquilizing dart?

Shelby

 

[misricsmith]

I would love to take my parents,
but they are choosing not to go
kinda sucks
I wish you the best

 

[Cdnmommy]

I agree with most others on here. I think either way you choose to do it her feelings may be bruised but those buises will heal fast enough...you certainly don't want your kids' first trip to be one that is stressfull and uncomfortable (as we all know kids pick up on these things no matter how hard we try to hide it), plus you want to make it magical for them and you and your husband. Definitely stick to your guns and be up front about it! Good luck, I'm rootin' for you!

 

[wilde_oscar]

thank her for all the work, then zap her with a stun gun.

 

[Aliceacc]

Dear Abby used to say that no one can take advantage of you unless you let them.

It's time for a chat with mom.

 

[SilverMickey]

When we planned a trip with my brother in law.... the worlds biggest control freak .... we sat down and started a conversation like this:

" We are so glad your family doesn't feel the need to be connected at the hip. which parts of this vacation would you like to TRY to spend together?"

This set the mood for a bit of time together and a bit of time apart.

Good luck and enjoy your trip!

 

[graygables]

I have a control freak mother. I am a control freak mother. Here's my take from both sides of the story.

Your mother has years of (perceived) successful vacations under her belt. She believes she knows what works and the ins and outs of things. She may not have anything else exciting to focus her energies on, so planning this trip makes her feel useful. You said you were using their timeshare, so that gives her the upper hand in the "her house" rules (you are a "guest" to a certain degree).

I plan our days when we go to WDW. I build in breaks (either going back to the resort or hopping to another park, you'll be surprised how much you can recharge on a bus/boat/monorail) so your mother may believe that b/c your kids are still fairly young that a full resort break will be necessary. You'll read that often on message boards, btw, and not taking a break can be a recipe for disaster. If I plan on being at a park at 9am, we're going to be there at 9am. If someone in my party (including my mother) is NOT ready to leave when I am, they can catch up later. We don't do the parks commando, but I do have a general plan and I always have dining arrangements that have to be factored into things. There have been times that I've explained to my mother that my plans differ from hers and we must go our separate ways.

Last year, we had lunch plans for Beach Club and a Kitchen Sink for 9yo's "Unbirthday". I don't remember the exact drama surrounding the situation, but she wound up NOT going with us. She was VERY upset and disappointed, but I didn't learn the extent of it until later and it made me feel very badly for the whole situation. She missed a really fun time by being stubborn, but I had a hand in it too with my own bullheadedness.

The point to the novella is, if you want to relax, enjoy yourselves, and have special memories, you are going to need to come to some kind of agreement BEFORE you get there. You may have to suck it up a little and do some of the things she wants to do and she may have to suck it up a little and give you some leeway. If you don't get it aired out, you'll spend the entire vacation stressed b/c SHE'S stressed or b/c you aren't having what you'd envisioned as your perfect vacation.

 

[karibritt01]

I vacation with my ILs once a year. We go to the beach, or the mountains, or somewhere that we can relax and not worry. I do not take them when we go to Disney because their vacation style is too different from ours. They like to wander... we want to ride. They stop every hour during the drive for a "fanny fluffer." HELLO... it's a 9 hour drive without stopping! They like to parent my children, and apparently do a better job than I do. My point is... we take a long weekend with them, and I keep my big, long, expensive trip all to myself!

 

[Promomx2]

My sympathy goes out to you. A long time ago we went to wdw with the ils and dd then 6. They drove me crazy. Mil had to take her huge purse everywhere and left it in Epcot, which caused us to retrack our morning until we found it and fil had to attend church on sunday so we had to find a service, take him, wait for him, then wait for him to change out of his sunday clothes. But my daughter has some special memories of the trip. Maybe you can talk to your father and see if he can be referree and possibly help the situation. But no matter what, take lots of pictures with alll of you. I'd wish I had taken more.

 

[j_lehr]

I have never gone to Disney with anyone other than my immediate family but I have had similar experiences. There are times when I should have spoke my mind and didn't and regretted it because vacations/important events were tainted. I hate confrontation and as hard as it is to confront someone, it is worse having that feeling of regret afterwards.

You got a ton of great advice on here. If it were me, I would probably send her an e mail (if that is a possibility). Sometimes I have a hard time saying my feelings out loud and it gives me a chance to fully explain myself without the other person getting defensive, giving excuses or their opinion.

I hope it all works out for you!

Jes

 

[Mckymousefn]

I agree with everyone else, you need to have a sit down with your mom... in advance!! Tell her that this Disney trip is for YOUR BOYS, that there are things YOUR BOYS want to do & you will do them as the boys want to do them. I mean.. what if one of you boys wants to do the Buzz Lightyear ride first thing in the morning.. but grandma doesn't have that scheduled until 2:43pm, your son is going to be hurt... not your mom. You have to go with the flow when traveling with kids that age! I have 3 kids... 13, 11 & 9. My daughter... she is more of the yes i will ride that ride... no, i changed my mind...i don't want to kind of person, so when she says yes... we are going to jump on it, cuz if we had to wait until Xtime for it... she would change her mind! Just remember.. this is your BOYS trip.. not your moms. Her feeling will be hurt... but remember again.. this trip is for your boys!!

 

[sbpuckett]

I agree, it's better to put your foot down now then in the middle of the vacation. At least that way she has a month to get over it and there may be less drama on vacation. When we went the first time my boys were 4 & 6.
Neither of them have been nappers since they were toddlers so we just went with the flow. I figured we'd leave if we needed to... but we never did. They were so into seeing the characters and riding the rides and such that the thought of leaving made them upset. So... when they seemed to be getting a bit sleepy we would stop for a snack or go to a show or something that was more relaxing (DS5 (4 at the time) is train obsessed so we rode the train a few times). This was all they really required. We left at closing. Both boys fell asleep in the car on the way back to the resort the first night, but that was the only time! We also got up early and were there for rope drop each morning... we slept well but packed it in and everyone was happy I must say. Now, that's my boys and they aren't typical kids... you have to do what is right for your kids. One of the saddest things to see at the parks is some angry parent yelling at their poor exhausted little ones because they aren't keeping up or they want to stop or whatever... BTW - we also got a stroller everyday. That helped a lot with the kids happiness levels I think Enjoy your trip and worst case scenario... wait till your mom is interested in something and run like the wind... she'll never find you in that mass of people and who could blame you for not being able to find here...

Just kidding...

 

[wilda]

Cell phones. This will allow you enormous flexibility-

"Mom, we're leaving for Epcot now. Give me a call when you get there and we can figure out where to meet". If you happen to be in the middle of something (Soarin, Test Track)when the phone rings, you can call her back when you're finished.

And I agree that you should have the travel documents

 

[Eganclan]

Best of luck with your dillema. We just went on a trip with my MIL/FIL and SIL/BIL. My SIL and I did most of the planning but before we started we asked everyone what there must do item was and worked from there. We stayed offsite in 2 units with separate cars. We planned one park per day with usually a buffet meal mid day and used our travel days as down "pool" days with an additional day off midweek. We all had a wonderful time together except for my husband who got stuck in back to back storms out west and only got to join us the last two days(works for me because now he wants to go back just the TWO of us in May). For us I don't think that a mid day break would have worked as it was we never made a rope drop and lost lots of time with snack and potty breaks and just trying to all stay together. All in all it was a great trip for all but even my kids said "we loved it but the next time we go can we please go alone".

 

[Bobbyzgirl]

Well I have read all your fabulous advise and well wishes. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support.

I decided on Friday to send my dad an email (thinking he would be the "easier" of the two to start the conversation with). I started out with how happy we are to share this special trip with them and how excited we all are. Here is part of the email I sent:

"Bob and I are looking forward to spending time with you and mom (and so are the kids!). They have talked non stop about eating with you every day and waking up and seeing you every morning :0) Some of my most favorite memories as a child were spent on vacations with you, mom and gramma and poppa....and I am hoping we can all create that "magic" for our boys - they will always remember this trip and how they first experienced Disney World with their Gramma and Pop.

We are all excited, although I have one "worry" about the trip - we each have very different "styles" of vacationing. My family is very spontanous and like to just enjoy the moment...where you and mom are very "scheduled and planned" people. Bob and I have talked about it and we hope that we will all be able to relax and enjoy the vacation together. We will try really hard not to interfer with whatever it is that you and mom want to do and I am sure there will be times when you and Mom want to go off on your own (as will we). We do not want you and mom to ever feel that you have to stay with us and go on the "kiddie" rides, we know that there is alot you will want to see as well."

I thought this was vague enough but would open the lines of communication about our concerns. Unfortunately, my dad took the opportunity to forward the email to my mother and she took it all wrong. *groans* She has been very short with me on the phone since then and I think she is pissed. She says, "Please do not concern yourself with "spontaneous vs scheduled" Dad and I are usually pretty flexible on vacation and if something comes we won't interfer but take off on our own."

I guess it is better that it is all out in the open now. My husband has already told me that if this vacation does not go "smoothly" then this will be the only vacation we take with them. That would crush me because as a child we spent most of our vacations with my grandparents and it was a wonderful experience. I felt a closer bond with my grandparents growing up because of the trips and I was hoping that my children would experience the same thing.

I have also explained to my mother that we are "planning" on spending as much time at the park as we can (at these prices...who wouldn't?) and that if she and my father want to leave the park at any time - feel free. (My husband and I have arranged for our own car rental, which will free us up to go anywhere we wish.) The days we are at the park (4 out of 7) will all depend on the boys and how they are able to handle it all. I will make sure we have some "breaks" for them - which as you all have told me is best (thank you for the tip) and I think we will rent a stroller as well.

I am glad I found this place and turned to all of you for advice!!! It has been wonderful hearing all the advise and "tips" on how to handle this situation and you all gave me the strength to deal with this now rather than later. I am glad that it is out in the open now and maybe once she calms down - she will discuss it even further with us. AT least now she is aware of how we feel.

My husband and I have decided that this trip is for our boys and that our only goal for the trip will be to make it a magical and enjoyable time for our children. We will do everything we can to ensure that they have fabulous memories that last a lifetime and we are hoping that their grandparents will share that goal with us.

 

[Eganclan]

Bravo--Wishing you and your family a wonderful trip.

 

[Bobbyzgirl]

oh, I forgot....we did our "Disney Countdown" this weekend (another great idea from here) and I wanted to share it

 

[wilda]

Are you staying on site at a Disney property?

 

[Bobbyzgirl]

No, we are staying in a timeshare