My mom - what a piece of work (update post 84/125/149/154)

[sbell111]

I looked it up Monday. If I went and bought local here, it was right around $250.00 for all 5 shoes. On line would have been around $175.00. And that is going with a cheaper shoe than what she currently has. Plus the DDs foot varies for shoe maker to maker. God only knows what sizes I would have needed to order.

Is your daughter a starfish?

 

[Darsa]

Is your daughter a starfish?

Oh goodness, good thing I wasn't drinking anything when I read that! She means 5 PAIRS of shoes, and yep, sounds about right. Unfortunately they get even MORE expensive as they get older; DD's 13 but has really LONG feet (we call 'em flippers, heh) and the adult shoes are PAINFUL price-wise.

 

[jen0610]

Is your daughter a starfish?

Thank you for the laugh, I soooo need it. Darsa is correct, it should have said all 5 pairs of shoes.

And Darsa, I hear ya on the more expensive the older they get. Even at 12, she is wearing a womens 8. For her one tap class, she can have either the tie oxfords or the slip on's. Of course, she wants the slip on one's. And of course the ones that feel the best are $25.00 bucks more than the other slip on pair. Back in May, she had just gotten the black pair of taps and tan MaryJane taps Grandma was holding hostage. We are hoping they last the year, as we bought them a bit big knowing she only a month left of dance and this whole year ahead of her.

 

[Sparx]

ive read the whole thread, and i'm dying to see pictures of your dd's hair. this is how you post a picture.

host your pictures on a website like www.picturetrail.com or www.tinypic.com or www.photobucket.com and then click the icon that looks like this:

a window will show up, and you want to copy and paste the image url (the thing that shows up in your address bar when you are viewing JUST the image and no background website)

then you can post.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Wow...just wow! OP you and your DH and your Dad handled the situation wonderfully!

Is there anyway your dad can talk to your mom's doctor and see what he says about her??

 

[Liberty Belle]

Is your daughter a starfish?

OP, I hope somehow someone can convince your mom to get help.

 

[MariDisney]

OP, I hope your mother can get the help she needs.

I know what you're going through with dance shoes. I was just talking to DH about what our DD needs new for this year. I always dread tap because they're about $70. I think for the start of the year we may get away with just acrobatic, which are about $30 and then replace the other 4 as the year progresses.

 

[DizBelle]

You know, I still want to see this infamous haircut....

 

[jen0610]

Ok...I finally got this this to work for me. For those that wanted pictures.

Here is what it looked like before the cut. This picture is from our neices wedding in Oct 2007, she's the flower girl in white. Her hair was done in ringletts, with lots of jel and spray to keep it just so, it would have curled up tighter if left on it's on. The actual length is about 7-8 inches longer then shown if we would have straightened it.
[

Here's the back, after cut and straightened:

Here's the front, after cut and straightened:

With this length, it is what she wanted. And that my mom was sure would not be able to be pulled up and into a bun for dance performances or into a pony tail for dance classes and sports.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

Cute! She looks so happy!

 

[GothTink]

That's not very short at all! Her hair looks lovely! Very grown up.

Your mother needs medication and therapy. She sounds like my bipolar mother.

 

[horseshowmom]

I think her hair looks much more like a hairstyle a girl her age would want rather than the way it was to start with.

I love the look of long hair, but I know how much trouble it is. My daughter (who is grown and married) got her hair cut last fall, and it was a real change, but it was adorable (and much easier for her to manage). I know you wanted to ask your mother whether she loved her granddaughter or her hair!

How are things now? Has your mother improved?

 

[kellyg403]

I am sorry for your dd and for you. I agree with another poster, it does sound like a psychotic break your mom had. She may not even remember that this even happened. That is the worst part.

Your poor dd..its only hair..hair that will grow back. And its HER hair on top of that. I know its painful but until your mom gets help, really keep the kids and yourself from being involved in that. The unfortunate thing about the mentally ill is that their actions seem so normal to them they have no idea they even need help. They can't understand why you don't think like they do or act like they do. Sometimes, they can even justify or make up things that are real in their minds to justify the action. I think ultimately, in the end, until she realizes her state of mind is not normal she will not get help.

My aunt, bipolar, did not get help for many years. She had a psychotic break also one day. It never ended and she ended up in the hospital for 3 months. That was 14 years ago. Now she is a different person, but the pain of those years before for my cousins is immense. She didnt think she was abnormal and if wasn't for the break and the ambulance being called she probably would not have gone to the hospital THAT day.

Many hugs to your family. I have seen what this kind of thing can do to the kids. Hopefully it can be turned in to a lesson for compassion, understanding but knowing that you can love someone but not be involved with them. Your dd seems mature. Hopefully she will understand someday this really wasn't about her AT ALL.

Kelly

 

[jen0610]

I think her hair looks much more like a hairstyle a girl her age would want rather than the way it was to start with.

I love the look of long hair, but I know how much trouble it is. My daughter (who is grown and married) got her hair cut last fall, and it was a real change, but it was adorable (and much easier for her to manage). I know you wanted to ask your mother whether she loved her granddaughter or her hair!

How are things now? Has your mother improved?

Has she improved - No not really. But we have kept away for there for the most part. She still doesn't think that she did anything wrong and that we slighted her.

She had to have surgery just before Thanksgiving. For years, from the knees down she has had issues. It had gotten so bad, that she wasn't walking on the soles of her feet. She walked more on the inside of the edge, her ankles almost touching the ground. It's really hard to explain what it looks like. They are having to go in and fuse her feet to her ankle joint. She will end up having no flexability of her feet, once they are done. Her feet will always look like it does when you stand up. Each foot will take 7 to 9 month for recovery and rehab. After the surgery, she was bed ridden for 3 weeks. While dad was home most of the time, there were a couple of times when she needed me to help her out. She's playing get along and be nice, because she needs us. Before the surgery she did tell DD that she was sorry she didn't handle her getting her hair cut well, but then told me that I needed to stop fighting her and to get along with her. Which is basicly her way of saying, she's right and I'm wrong, she knows best and I don't.

By Christmas she was now limited to using a wheelchair, but it's not easy for her to get in and out of the house. So out of the kindness of my heart and because I wanted to make sure my dad had a nice dinner on Christmas, I fixed pasta for all of us over at their house. The kids were not alone with her ever. She minded her p's and q's. It was an uneventfully 4 hours. When we left, the kids thanked her for their gifts, but didn't hug or kiss her, which dad said she cried over after we left. Dad said he appreciated that we did what we did.

We haven't talked to her since and dad only a couple of times.

 

[DizBelle]

Sorry - your mom is a nut job. I hope she gets help. Do her doctors for her physical problems notice anything and/or recommend anything about her mental problems?

 

[mtdevine615]

So sorry for all of family problems.
But as far as your DD's hair goes I think it looks great and if that's what she wants then even better. My DD also dances so I know all about the bun thing. Her hair is plenty long enough to still put up in a bun.

 

[VillageMama]

I'd like to invite you to do some research on Borderline Personality Disorder. This page has some good information on what it is: http://www.bpdfamily.com/tools/articles2.htm

And this is a message board for adult children with Borderline parents: http://www.bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0

Best wishes to you and your family.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Has she improved - No not really. But we have kept away for there for the most part. She still doesn't think that she did anything wrong and that we slighted her.

She had to have surgery just before Thanksgiving. For years, from the knees down she has had issues. It had gotten so bad, that she wasn't walking on the soles of her feet. She walked more on the inside of the edge, her ankles almost touching the ground. It's really hard to explain what it looks like. They are having to go in and fuse her feet to her ankle joint. She will end up having no flexability of her feet, once they are done. Her feet will always look like it does when you stand up. Each foot will take 7 to 9 month for recovery and rehab. After the surgery, she was bed ridden for 3 weeks. While dad was home most of the time, there were a couple of times when she needed me to help her out. She's playing get along and be nice, because she needs us. Before the surgery she did tell DD that she was sorry she didn't handle her getting her hair cut well, but then told me that I needed to stop fighting her and to get along with her. Which is basicly her way of saying, she's right and I'm wrong, she knows best and I don't.

By Christmas she was now limited to using a wheelchair, but it's not easy for her to get in and out of the house. So out of the kindness of my heart and because I wanted to make sure my dad had a nice dinner on Christmas, I fixed pasta for all of us over at their house. The kids were not alone with her ever. She minded her p's and q's. It was an uneventfully 4 hours. When we left, the kids thanked her for their gifts, but didn't hug or kiss her, which dad said she cried over after we left. Dad said he appreciated that we did what we did.

We haven't talked to her since and dad only a couple of times.

I think it would probably help if you and your dad talked to someone, even if it's just to get a clear understanding of how to deal with your mom. You seem angry with her and that's understandable, but it does seem like she is truly mentally ill. If it were a physical ailment you wouldn't hold it against her, I wouldn't think.

What she did was horrible, but there's a reason she's acting that way. She may truly be unable to control herself at times.

I hope your dad at least seeks out a counselor. Best of luck to all of you.

 

[minkydog]

OP, I'm just really sorry for your situation. My mother can also be pretty irrational at times and she has never apologized for ANYTHING in her life. Like you, I've had to distance myself. Lucky for me, i live 400 miles away so she only gets to hear what I want her to know. And she can't just drop in. It's the best of both worlds

Seriously, keep doing what you're doing to protect your children. It's a shame that your dad is having to bear the brunt of this. I hope *he* will seek some counseling, but don't be surprised if your mother doesn't. It's unlikely that she will ever see herself as others do. I agree with the above poster. Check out Borderline Personality. I think you will be somewhat relieved when you read it. I know I was. It kinda let me off the hook--my mothers behavior became no longer my issue.