My Mom is dying and my sister a control freak.

[shortbun]

My sister keeps telling me she's overwhelmed and can not take anymore. Each time I drive to my hometown to help she ends up mad at me because she doesn't like, approve of or feel comfortable with how I handle things. I really just want to help make my mother comfortable. We finally had a pretty heavy argument(sister and I) yesterday where she took my whole inventory of sins. I have spent the last several months telling my sister what a great daughter she is, how lucky my Mom is to have her there, thanking her for all the work she's doing and thanking her for updating me regularly. She really is all those things. She really needs to be in total control too. There is no tension between my mother and me, all seems to be well there but my sister keeps criticizing my visits with my mother too. I have been working very hard to understand what my sister is going through. She keeps saying, "my mother is dying." to me like I have nothing at stake. Mom is not days from death, she has at least 3 months or so, very possibly more from all the medical professionals can tell. I realize that this can change quickly. Yesterday, I tried to take my husband and my son to see my mother for a short-like an hour or less-visit. We were also bringing lunch as someone must prepare her meals and I was trying to keep my sister and my brother from having to be there. I explained that the rest of my family was just going to be there long enough to eat but my sister turned us around saying it was too much for Mom. I spent Friday with Mom and she said she was looking forward to seeing my son. She is still living by herself, has help coming in mid day during the week and in fairly good shape although pain is limiting her outside acitivity. Hospice is working on that saying they can get her back to a limited routine of church, bridgeclub, hairdresser and other small activities. My sister told me that I must 'remember what the hospice brochure said, that family members become less important and the patient starts looking inward no longer wanting to see them.' That happens, according to the brochure in the last two weeks of life. I don't know why but my sister appears to be selfishly wanting to keep my mother to herself. It's hurtful and kind of bizarre. I can not discuss this with my mother. I only have the DIS and the social worker I just contacted to help me through the rough spots of my mother's death. Guess this is one of them. I swear my relationship with my sister is taking a pretty serious hit from this. I hate it. I know this is long. Has anyone had an experience like this and somehow solved the problem? I'd like to get very zen about it and I think I could IF my sister would stop keeping me from my mother. I could become a visitor only - she says she wants help but that doesn't seem to be true.

 

[DawnM]

From what I have seen of other's parent's dying, it brings out the worst in people. It is just so much tension and stress. My guess is that your sister can't cope with it and is taking it out on you. This isn't fair to you, nor does it make you want to help, but it sounds like she doesn't know how to deal any other way.

So sorry.

Dawn

 

[Tony-NJ]

I wouldn't say it's bringing out the worst in your sister. Everyone deals with these things differently. We had both parents sick for years.

It seems your sister lives close to Mom and is the one there all the time? If that's the case then maybe she feels like she has everything under "control" and manageable. Is she the one making most of the decisions at this point? Does she also have a family / life of her own?

I'm certainly not trying to make excuses for her behavior, but maybe putting a spin on it that your not seeing as you too are going through a hard time?

And I'm so sorry your Mom is ill. I do hope she remains peaceful!

 

[airhead]

My brother died last May. A few days before he died,I went to see him for what I knew would be the last time. My sister in law
did not allow it. In fact,she was downright cruel. I was devastated. But so was she. It took me months to get over what she did to me. I think when people we love are dying,we act irrational. We say and do things we wouldn't normally do.
I'm so sorry about your mother.

 

[agnes!]

OP -

First off, my sympathies to your family while c=going through this crisis.

It sounds like your DSis wants to have her cake and complain about it too. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Well, as long as your DMom is lucid, your DSis can go hang. Your Mom wants you to visit? Do it. Your Mom wants you to bring her some outside treats? Do it. Your Mom wants you to take her for a drive to see some spring flowers? Do it. Your Mom is the important one here, not your DSis who seems to be trapped in a martyr complex of her own making. If there's an outsider(maybe a loved/trusted relative or family friend?) who can somehow arbitrate between you two, that's about all I can think of.

If you can not somehow engage your DSis when she starts complaining about how you don't measure up to what *she* wants, would that help?

And why does she have to be there all the time? Maybe she needs to take a vacation and let you take over for a week or two. *Seriously* she can leave town and leave you in charge.

Btw, who has the medical power-of-attorney, etc. for your mom? If DSis *doesn't* have it, she doesn't get to tell everybody else what to do. And if your DSis does have it, if this is how things are *now*? Expect the atmosphere to get worse as time goes on and your mother gets closer to the end.

I'm so sorry, I'm sure you don't need the additional stress on top of the original grief.
agnes!

 

[minniebeth]

Shortbun,
to you because I am in a very similar situation right now with my mom's health failing more each day and rapidly progressing. We've had two incidents where she was in the hospital and suggested to put affairs in order. I live out of state away from her, one of my brothers is close to her, is her power of attorney and I have another brother out of state as well.
We have had more issues with each other and it has gotten to the point of I don't know which is worse, dealing with the grief of slowly losing my mom or dealing with the family issues it has created. I am beyond disbelief of some of the things that have occured.
I so so understand how you feel!
I do believe that everyone handles things and copes differently and not that it is an excuse, but to be aware of it= tolerance.
It's very hurtful to have your sister handle the situation the way she is.
We can only get through it day by day and remember that the root of all our anger, sadness, fear, etc. etc. is our love for each other in our family.
Follow your heart and do what you feel is best in your and your mom's best interest...
I'll keep you in my thoughts!
Beth

 

[TeresaNJ]

I'm really sorry you are going through this. We had a similar situation where my dad was given less than a year to live, he was only 64 at the time, and he was told that treatment wouldn't improve his chances, and probably would worsen his quality of life for whatever time he had left.

My sister wouldn't accept this information, and convinced my dad to go to a different hospital/set of physicians, and of course, a whole new round of tests, treatments, etc. He only lived three months after diagnosis, and in my opinion, it was three months of hell for him.

I feel like my family (mom, sister, brother, nieces, nephews) fell apart after my dad died. We were always very close, but have drifted away from each other in the ensuing years, and I believe it all stems from unresolved issues concerning my dad's illness and death, guilt feelings, etc.

The only advice I can give you is to do what you want to do, and what you feel is right in your heart. You can't control your sister's thoughts or actions, and you shouldn't let her control yours. If she won't be reasonable then you are going to have to bypass her feelings and make sure to make the most of the time you have left with your mother. You are the one who is going to have to live with yourself when your mom passes. Don't have regrets because you were "sparing" your sister's feelings.

 

[agnes!]

I'm really sorry you are going through this. We had a similar situation where my dad was given less than a year to live, he was only 64 at the time, and he was told that treatment wouldn't improve his chances, and probably would worsen his quality of life for whatever time he had left.

My sister wouldn't accept this information, and convinced my dad to go to a different hospital/set of physicians, and of course, a whole new round of tests, treatments, etc. He only lived three months after diagnosis, and in my opinion, it was three months of hell for him.

I feel like my family (mom, sister, brother, nieces, nephews) fell apart after my dad died. We were always very close, but have drifted away from each other in the ensuing years, and I believe it all stems from unresolved issues concerning my dad's illness and death, guilt feelings, etc.

The only advice I can give you is to do what you want to do, and what you feel is right in your heart. You can't control your sister's thoughts or actions, and you shouldn't let her control yours. If she won't be reasonable then you are going to have to bypass her feelings and make sure to make the most of the time you have left with your mother. You are the one who is going to have to live with yourself when your mom passes. Don't have regrets because you were "sparing" your sister's feelings.

What she said.

agnes!

 

[Abbie]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

The only thing I can think of on your sister's behalf is how I sometimes feel here. My one sister and I are the only ones in town. We, mostly me, do everything for Mom from running her to her various doctors to ordering and filling her med containers, taking out trash, handling bills, paperwork, etc. I am very lucky to have good and kind brothers and sisters yet every so often I do feel a little resentful because they will show up every so often and do something "fun" like going out to eat. It feels like I'm doing the lion's share of the work (which they all graciously acknowledge) but they breeze in and out of town to do something fun. I know that's important too and I would never want to impinge on their time but every so often I do send an email to all telling which appts. are upcoming and ask who can take which simply because I'm overwhelmed sometimes. Maybe your sister doesn't know how to ask for help so is feeling resentful and control-freaky?

That said, unless your sister actually lives with your mom and controls the door, I would not offer to her when you are coming for a visit and give her the chance to tell you no. Bring your husband and son for a visit if Mom wants to see them, just don't bother informing your sister ahead of time! Obviously if hospice feels Mom can get out a bit here and there, she is up for brief visits. So what if you sister shows up with lunch the same day you bring it, put it in the fridge then she won't need to provide dinner that day. Do what you need to do to be with your mom.

 

[AristocatFan]

This is a really tough time. While everybody's situation is different, I can only tell you how it was for me as the caretaker for my mother while she was dying and having siblings who lived away and only came when they could. Fortunately, with 5 other siblings we all got along pretty good through this time. But I did have resentment and sometimes anger at the ones who did not have to deal with what I had to deal with on a daily basis. Mostly because I was just plain exhausted, mentally and physically. And because they didn't see her every day and deal with doctors, they weren't seeing the full picture of how fast Mom was leaving us. I even had one brother tell me I wasn't doing enough to fight for her treatment.(he always thinks he knows it all) I gave him her docs numbers and told him to call them, he did, and apologized later.

What does the social worker say? Does your mom become upset/worn out after you leave? I also agree with that you have to do what you feel is right and deal with this in your own way. The last thing you want is regrets.

 

[rie'smom]

Your mom doesn't have a lot of time left to spend with her loved ones. If you and she want your son and husband to be there, tell your sister to take a leap.
After your mother passes, you do not want to have regrets about your son not seeing his grandmother. Not to mention your son might end up resenting you because you didn't stand up to your sister so that he could see his grandmother. It's important for him to see her.
Later, you can work on a fractured realtionship with your sister because you both will still be alive.

 

[agnes!]

PS - Sorry if my previous post (#5) sounded harsh. Being the caretaker isn't easy, being the one who *can't* be there is also no walk in the park.

Just re-read that particular post & realized it could hurt people feelings.

So this is a pre-emptive "sorry" .

agnes!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I think this type of thing is very common in families, including my own.

I'd probably just tell my sister that while I appreciate her feelings and all her efforts with Mom, it's important that I get to spend quality time with her (and all it entails), too. And leave it at that. Arguing right now isn't going to settle or help anything, and will probably be upsetting to your mother, who will sense it even if she doesn't see or hear it. My guess is that sister holds some resentments towards you (real or imagined, for whatever reason), but she needs to put them aside right now for the better good. If she starts, just don't engage.

I'm sorry about your Mom. Try your best to ignore the grief from your sister.

 

[runwad]

Geez OP I feel for you, we all do uncharacteristic things when we are faced with grief. I think I was like your control freak sister when my mom was dying. We are 5 siblings and all live in the same town. But there were still the ones who didn't really partake in what was happening and leaving everthing to a couple of us. This does create bad feelings. And like your sister I wanted help but then the "help" I got was never good enough, they always did something stupid in my eyes and I felt I couldn't count on them. It was a really bad time and I don't know why I acted like that. I wanted help but then I guess I didn't want to be away from my mom I wanted to keep her to myself, I don't know it was hard. Its just really hard

 

[ToddyLu]

It can really stem from not being in control of the situation. If you are the control freak and someone is slowly taking that from you--her illness-- then you switch into high gear and control the things you can----sister can't come here, sister can't go there.

Can you take her to your home for a weekend without it being too much?? If Mom wants, then try it out. What is the worse that could happen apart from her somehow passing when she is with you--upsetting your sister who is a natural type A anyway?? I am also type A and a control freak. Just take the control away. Take time off from work if needed. You only have one Mama and if I knew mine had limited time I would do just that. Live is so fragile...it may give your sister a break, not that she would appreciate it at the time. Oh well, like others have said that can be repaired later.

Are you comfortable taking your Mom home for a couple of days?? Seem like that would be possible from the description. Don't ask permission, just do it. Maybe Hospice has a sister organization that could help you for the few days if needed. I would ask the Hopsice Social Worker and then spend time with the nurse who could discuss a few things with you and then you would be more comfortable with taking her for a ong weekend or something.

I am a nurse and my FIL passed away from CA 5 weeks after Katrina detroyed our homes. They had to take him to Northern AL for air-conditioning and over all comfort. My ex-SIL (type A, Master's in industrial engineering, etc--love her and you know the type) could not handle the hospice situation at her home even for a short amount ot time--even in the light of them having no where else to go. My BIL divorced her not long after. (I am not saying that all it was to their issues either). He needed a bath we gave him one, he needed a dressing change we gave him one. My BIL and DH included. We didn't ask permission, we did what had to be done to help MIL. If you are asking permission you will never get it from a control freak. Just do it --as the old saying goes...

Just do it and don't ask for permission now, just ask (or beg) for forgiveness later.

 

[Tuffcookie]

shortbun, I am sorry you are going thru this with your sister.

It sounds like your sister is having a hard time accepting the situation with your DM. She may be feeling over-whelmed with all that is going on and she's lashing out at you. People handle stress differently. Don't let your sister's reaction cause ill feelings. This is both of yours mom!

I remember when I found out my mom's cancer had spread how it affected me. Mom was living with me at the time and I can remember thinking I had to be strong, and I couldn't let her see me falling apart when that was exactly what I felt I was doing! Being the older sister I made all the decisions that had to be made. Youngest sister went along with everything and we, thankfully, were on the same page. My sister is my best friend and I find it a comfort to know that there is someone else in this world that knows how much I miss my mom!

I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I remember what a difficult time that was in my life!

TC

 

[shortbun]

Thank you, everyone. I understand a lot about my sister and yes, she's the frontline person. I have asked to be included or given projects and lacking that, I have just showed up sometimes. She resents it when I'm there, says it distracts her from caring for Mom. Yesterday, she told me if I was coming-she was leaving and "mom would just have to be on her own." She has also told me how different I am than Mom and that she is just like Mom so she understands her needs much better.

Today, my husband, son and I went to a movie. My mother started experiencing severe pain. My sister tried to call us while we were at the movies and had our phones off. When she finally reached us, she was in quite a huff and accused me of not taking her calls. I told her we were in a movie theatre. That made her mad too. She asked me not to come, told me I was incompetent and then resents me when I'm relaxing. She is taking excellent care of our mother but I'm tired of my sister's attitude. She cries and complains about all she has to do, says she is totally overwhelmed; I calmly encourage her and always tell her that she can count on me in any way she sees I would be useful. No one does things to her satisfaction. I can not win but I'm really getting tired of the screaming, crying and belittling. Good thing I'm seeing someone for therapy this week. I might do a little screaming and crying of my own. Thanks for all your sympathy and kind words. To those of you who have gone through similar things-both sides-you have my total respect and sympathy. It sucks.

 

[Octoberbabiesrus]

Btw, who has the medical power-of-attorney, etc. for your mom? If DSis *doesn't* have it, she doesn't get to tell everybody else what to do. And if your DSis does have it, if this is how things are *now*? Expect the atmosphere to get worse as time goes on and your mother gets closer to the end.

I'm so sorry, I'm sure you don't need the additional stress on top of the original grief.
agnes!

If Mom hasnt named someone in legal documents, then her spouse would have this. If no living spouse, her oldest child would be automatically granted this.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I am so sorry you are going through this.
Let me offer some insight though. Your sister might be the type of person who when everything around her is falling apart (your Mom) she needs to control what she can. Meaning, she can't control your Mom being ill but she will control her care. This in some way calms her and makes it bearable. I know it sounds crazy but as an example, when I am really stressed I organize every single thing I can. It sort of gives me control when I can't really control anything. KWIM?
If she can keep herself constantly busy with your Mom and overseeing every little detail then she cna cope. I know it makes it hard for you but it sounds like that is what she is doing. You can't really fault her for it but maybe you should talk to her and tell her that she is doing such a great job and that you really appreciate her. You might be surprised at her response. Tell her that you really want to help in any way that you can and that you will do things her way. I know it sounds crazy but she probably doesn't really want to share the care of your Mom even if she is stressed. That is okay too, but let her know that you want to spend time with Mom and try to accomodate your sister as much as you can. She is the primary caregiver.
Above all I would talk to your sister. I would not accuse or argue. This is a tough time for both of you. Be honest with her, even if it means shedding a few tears.
I hope this all works out and you can both make peace.

 

[minniebeth]

Shortbun, it's been awhile...how is everything and how are you?