My Little Sister is Marrying a Man She Barely Knows

[Crankyshank]

I met DH online in Feb, moved to FL to be with him in April, got engaged in November, eloped in December. (we had a church wedding the following Oct).

We've been together for 8yrs and are very happy and in love. Sure we've had our rough spots, but honestly who hasn't?
Be happy for your sister or you're going to wind up alienating her and if you're right, she's going to be afraid to come to you for help or advice.

 

[sha_lyn]

Well when I met DH through mutual friends, I was about to move in with my then boyfriend. My life changed the moment I met him including many of my wants and dreams. He didn't force me to change a thing. Like someone else said, thing that seemed important before him (like becoming a nurse, having a church wedding etc) did not matter any more.

 

[sha_lyn]

Oh I have to add that my family, especially my sister, were convinced DH was a serial killer or drug dealer since he lived in a trailer park (actually a nice small one with only about 10 trailers, near a military base). My sister actually told my mom that I needed to be kidnapped and forced to stay at home when I took DH home to meet my family.

 

[kar313]

My DBrother started dating girl in late July and they were married by beg of Oct. Marriage lasted 3 years and they spent half of that separated. Now they have 2 boys being torn between two homes and having to go thru a messy divorce. We all knew it was never going to work but you have to support family members so they know you are there for them when the problems start. If you alienate them by telling them they are wrong and stupid you risk your relationship with them when they need you most.

 

[caitycaity]

i certainly don't know them, and you probably know what is really going on, but i have to say that what you posted doesn't sound overly controlling. there were a lot of things that i changed my mind about after meeting/talking to dh. marriage is all about compromise. if one person "gives in" to another on something it doesn't neccessarily mean they are being controlled.
after falling in love with dh i changed my views on children, my last name, the "perfect" wedding, etc. all pretty major things. dh really helped me to mature in a lot of ways, but he was certainly not controlling or even pressuring.

also, i should say that when i first met dh i REALLY disliked him.

 

[missypie]

The inlaws: 1st Date - New Years Eve 1953
Engaged - Valentines Day 1954
Wedding Day - June 25, 1954
50th Anniversary - June 25, 2004

On the other hand, I worked with a guy who dated his wife for over 4 years before they married...And six months after the wedding, she ran off to the Caribean with another man!

You can just never tell.

 

[Tiger Fan]

Kim & Chris, are you sure you're not my middle sister, writing about OUR baby sister?!?!?! My youngest sis had been dating a guy for 2 years and they had begun to talk regularly about getting married. Well when the 2 year mark happened and he didn't ask she broke up with him (trying to give him a wake up call). It didn't work and for several months (about 3) they talked, but didn't get back together. Meanwhile, she was set up with a guy that a friend of her's knew and they started dating in January, 2004. He asked her to marry her in March, 2004 and they had the wedding in September, 2004!! I was the most supportive of this and really tried to believe that my sister was doing the right thing. She's smart, very self-supportive (think good savings, no credit debt, works a good job) and said it was love and not a rebound. Well, they went on a family vacation with us all in December and boy did we get an eye opening alarm on this guy. He's awful!! I'm convinced she thought this was her only chance to get married. He's also a good bit older and from what we can understand has not ever really dated. I could go on and on, but it'd get boring for most, but I feel your pain and if there is anyway you can make your sister agree to wait longer, I would. By the way, first boyfriend called my sister up the day we were looking at cakes and wanted to meet her for dinner. She had not told him about the engagement. When she told him we were looking at cakes, he broke down and said it was because he had her a diamond and was going to give it to her at dinner, he'd realized his mistake. Now you might think he was just making this up, but my dad called us about an hour later and it seems he had called my dad and asked if he could marry my sister. My poor dad, just told him he needed to call L*** righ away! (new boyfriend by the way didn't ask my dad before he asked my sister,this may seem like a no biggie, but in my family it's what we do) My sister stood firm and said she loved new boyfriend, that was what was meant to be, etc. and went ahead with all plans and the wedding. My family now privately joke about how the "devil you know is much better than the devil you don't", not that we thought boyfriend one was the devil, but just didn't know if he ever would take the marriage step. He was almost 40 by the way and had been engaged once before, but couldn't go through with it, so sis had reason to doubt he'd ever come around. Then this new guy is like rapid speed and now it's all said and done !
Lisa
Tiger Fan

 

[Jcricket Fan]

I guess I will go against the tide on this....I don't see anything wrong with voicing your thoughts if you see red flags in this relationship that maybe your sister is not seeing. This can be done without telling anyone they are a loser or driving them away.

The senerio you present is one of someone who perhaps is not thinking the process all the way through and in hopes to be free of what her life is now (living with parents, high debt....) she is going after whatever may look like the way out. I would suggest that someone of her age who has trouble managing her finances & her ability to live on her own has issues that shouldn't be taken lightly.

I would offer my undying support no matter what her choice is but I would also ask her to take a look at some issues you feel are important that maybe she isn't/doesn't want to look at. All though hard to do, it will be much easier now then after she is married and might have to find a way out of that situation.

I am big on trusting your "gut reaction" to situations. Only you know all the extra issues that may have not been posted on this thread.
Love sometimes means saying the hard things for the right reasons.

She may or may not want to look at the ideas you bring up but at least you will have offered her food for thought. But as I stated earlier she has issues all on her own without factoring in another person to the mix...therapy get thee to therapy!
I do hope this works for the best for all involved.
Colleen

 

[Idahomom]

I met dh in January while living on the east coast. Moved back to west coast in April, got married on east coast in June! I was 20, he 24. We'll be celebrating our 15th anniversary this June and going strong! That being said, both our families were not sure we were doing the right thing, especially my family. My husband is an east coast boy at heart w/italian blood and I swear one member of my family was sure I was marrying into the mafia! It all worked out and I'm sure if I had a family member that was getting married so soon after meeting someone, I'd probably (in the nicest, non offensive way of course ) just mention it. In my case I knew our families loved us so much and just had our best interests in mind.