My internal dilemma: Can we just attend church? Or do we have to be involved, too?

[KelNottAt]

I’m struggling with an internal dilemma and would like to hear which side of my debate is right.

We’ve belonged to the same Episcopal church for 9 years. It’s 235 years old, a tiny parish, only about 110 families. We send our pledges on a regular basis, but hardly ever attend. I mean, we go less than once a year.

I don’t mind making and paying the pledge. As a tiny church, of course it’s quite poor and they need every cent. It’s my lack of attendance that is eating away at me. I want to attend more, but there are a few things that keep me away.

First, since it's such a small church, they need lots of help from the parishioners. And they’re always asking for it. (Of course they have to. It’s how churches keep operating, I understand that.) They need volunteer time that I just don’t have. I can’t teach Sunday school, can’t work in the office, can’t staff the pancake supper, etc, etc. And this makes me feel very very guilty. So I stay away to avoid the guilt.

Secondly, and this is very minor compared to the first issue, I’m also not too fond of the way they conduct Sunday services. I’m used to a traditional, “Catholic Lite” style. But, this church has a modern style that I’m not comfortable with. I call it my “hippie” church. I could probably get used to it, but that would take regular attendance (see issue 1).

Third, I’d like to attend church and then go home. Maybe later, when I feel more comfortable, I’ll join everyone for coffee and fellowship. But, right now, no thank you. I just want to head home. Plus, I’ve made a deal with my kids that they don’t have to attend Sunday school (they actually enjoy the worship).

So, because of these 3 factors, I stay away altogether. But lately, the internal debate in my head is getting louder and louder. One side of me says “Oh, go ahead and attend. That’s better than nothing. They’ll be glad to see a new face, even if you only come on Sundays then leave.” Then, the other side of me says, “No. If you can’t BE INVOLVED with the church, especially this tiny, poor church, you don’t deserve to benefit from the worship at a church.”

So, which side is right? Is church really an all or nothing thing? Is there any middle ground?

I’ve tried 2 other churches. I liked them. Their style is more what I’m used to. And they’re larger, too. They wouldn’t even notice if we’re absent or present on Sunday. But, I just can’t stoop to leaving the tiny church. My reasons would be too selfish and they really need every member they can get. (But do they really need ME? I’m never there, right?)

 

[disykat]

If you are attending less than once a year, IMO it's time to find another church. Go where you feel the most comfortable - no reason for guilt.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Your message in your post is loud and clear...
CHANGE CHURCHES!!!!!
I give you permission to leave your tiny church and I take away all guilt with it.... Life is too short, start living!

 

[Miss Jasmine]

Hmm this is tough. I attend a nearly mega-church, so it's easy to just get lost in the crowd. I would like to be more involved, but my schedule never falls in-line with the church's schedule. Ihave found other things to do from time-to-time though.

I think you can attend your church and not be so involved. I think with regular attendence though you may want to get more involved and you may find there are other ways that do fit in your schedule.

Here's the thing though, if you aren't comfortable with the service, you may want to find a church with services you are comfortable with. You can always continue to send in donations to help this tiny church out. I mean that's basically what you are doing now.

 

[Maleficent13]

So go to the larger church for services where you feel comfortable, and continue to send the tiny church whatever donation you're currently making. Sure, it's double the donations, but maybe it'll make you feel better.

eta: great minds think alike, MJ!

 

[Miss Jasmine]

eta: great minds think alike, MJ!

 

[dadto1]

No offense intended but if you just go to attend services and have to make a deal with you children that they don't have to go to sunday school why are you going at all? Going to church out of guilt gets you nothing but wasted time!

Hope you figure something out!

 

[KelNottAt]

No offense intended but if you just go to attend services and have to make a deal with you children that they don't have to go to sunday school why are you going at all? Going to church out of guilt gets you nothing but wasted time!

Hope you figure something out!

No offense. But, just to clarify, we're not going out of guilt. We're staying away out of guilt.

We enjoy church, generally speaking. We just seem to be members of one that we can't support fully. But, we're not asking for much in return, either.

So, I'm struggling with this conflict.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

I say it's time to find a new church.

 

[Pembo]

My dh is a UCC minister. He used to be at a small church, now we're at a bigger one. It doesn't matter what size or how much money they have....they are never enough volunteers and never enough money. I say go where you are the most comfortable. If you feel that bad about the little church, keep sending them your pledge or make a once a year donation (it's tax deductible).


Go where you are most comfortable, do what you are comfortable with.

 

[budbeerlady]

I would think you need to find another church home. You can donate your money where and as you wish but it doesnt seem from your post that you feel any other sort of a connection to the church in question. I wouldnt feel quilty about leaving after worship, we do this quite often as we have family get gatherings so we dont stay for coffee.

And if you cannot volunteer dont feel bad about saying no. But I think differences in worship style are hard to gloss over.

Find somewhere you feel comfortable walking into whenever the spirit moves you.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It doesn't matter what size or how much money they have....they are never enough volunteers and never enough money.

Terrific point! In fact I came from a huge church and the more people, the more stuff they do.

So do yourself a favor and begin anew. Easter is a terrific time to make a change. Esp. if you found somewhere you are comfortable with!

 

[KirstenB]

Kelley, we belong to a tiny Episcopal country church too. Ours is the traditional "catholic lite" service, so I know what you mean. If you do decide to stay with them, there may be some ways to volunteer that don't take much time. You could usher or be a lector. This takes very little time beyond the basic service. Our church has a phone tree. When there is church-wide news in the parish, I am responsible for calling the 8 families on my list to pass on the message. Or maybe you could do the "once a year" things, like help with the Easter Egg hunt.

I know some volunteer tasks seem overwhelming, but some are not so time-consuming. Anyway, good luck whether you stay with this church or move on to another one.

 

[binny]

I have been to every type ( size wise) church out there and we have finally found "home" in our church now.
It tends to be a little more contemporary than most Ive been to in the past but not so much it bothers me. My mom on the hand prefers to sing the hymns every Sunday so she while she will come with us to church when she visits, if she lived here it wouldnt be her first choice.

Honestly, youre not getting much out of your church now. Except guilt. I dont think thats their intention or yours.

I think you need to find a church you feel comfortable with. Its important to feel connected in a church but you can do that a lot of ways. In a larger church there are a lot more ways to fit in.


Its ok to want to go to Church and feel comfortable. If youre not going ow because you arent comfortable then find one where you are.

God Bless. I know this isnt an easy journey.

 

[MrsPete]

If going makes you feel uncomfortable, then it's time to find a new church. You're missing out on the part you do want (Sunday service) because you're uncomfortable saying no to the requests for extras.

If I were you, I'd start visiting a new church every week until you find one that you want to join. Stop paying tithes to your current church, but start once you find your new church home.

You said you might want to join in once you feel more comfortable in a new church. Well, here's the rub: you won't start feeling more comfortable until you get to know people, and you won't get to know people until you start joining in. Sunday School is a great place to start. You'll probably be in a class with a group of people your own age with whom you'll probably have things in common.

 

[donnajon]

Well, I think your first priority in going to church should be to worship. The question you need to ask yourself is are you truly worshiping the Lord when you are at that service. If not, it is time to go somewhere where you can worship. Then decide if you need to be involved and to what extent. At our church, there are plenty of opportunities for people to volunteer but at the same time, no one has ever approached me personally to do anything. They will just say we need people to do this and people will. No pressure from anyone.

 

[bsnyder]

Don't have any advice that hasn't already been offered, but I love this:

I call it my “hippie” church

My situation was the opposite of yours - I belonged to a huge, very formal church and just didn't feel a connection. We left there and joined an old, dying church (downtown location) that changed to a contemporary format to attract younger families. I call it the "hand clapping" church. The volunteer responsibilities have been endless - I've been asked to do just about every volunteer job there is. But the church has grown by leaps and bounds and I've gotten so much out of it. And I feel a connection I never felt at the old church.