My heart is breaking for my friend.

[GEM]

One of my very best friends in the whole world is having a really tough time right now, and there isn't anything I can do to help him. He is one of the kindest, most gentle-hearted, loyal people I have ever known, and I wish I could do something to take some of his hurt away. He has been in a very committed relationship for about 8 years now. In fact, my husband and I are very close to both of them. They even met up with us in Europe for part of our honeymoon! His partner is generally a very funny, good, and generous person as well - except when he drinks. He had a very troubled, lonely childhood and suffers from serious bouts of depression. Plus, he is an alcoholic. Like I said, when he isn't drinking, he is so much fun to be with! The four of us have had so many good times together! But when he drinks, he looses control. He picks fights with my friend, says terrible cruel things, becomes very jealous, etc. I've never ever seen this side of him, but I know how much pain it has caused my friend. It only happens once every few months, but when it happens it is really bad. Well, it happened last night. And, for the first time ever, he was physically violent. He turned over a table where my friend was sitting, pinning him underneath it. Then he ordered my friend out of the house that they bought together. I don't think it will really come to that. Usually, it just takes a few days for these episodes to blow over. My friend doesn't know what to do. He loves this person so much, and he can't imagine his life without him. He really believes that the good times they have in between are worth the pain they go through when he drinks. Like I said, it doesn't happen all that often. I'm worried, though. I know his partner needs counseling or some kind of other help, but I also know that he will NEVER admit it. I just don't ever see him doing that. So, I guess my friend has two choices, stick with him and suffer through these incidents when they happen. Or, leave him and start making a new life alone. Both are very scary choices. I always said that I didn't understand how people could ever stay with anyone who was abusive toward them, but now I can see that it isn't that simple all the time. I really do care deeply about both of these people. And I know that they both love each other so much. It breaks my heart to think about either one of them ending up alone. I don't mean to make this guy out to be a monster, because he isn't. That's what's so terrible. He is a good, generous, funny, sensetive person - unless he's drinking. My friend doesn't even want to think about leaving him, and I can understand that. This isn't just some casual relationship. They have spent 8 years building a life together and planning on growing old together. I just don't see how he can keep going through this for the rest of his life. He doesn't deserve that.

Anyway, sorry this is so long. Don't you hate it when somebody you love is really hurt, and there isn't anything you can do for them?

 

[kylara]

Gem,

Sorry you are hurting for your friend and while it might only happen every few months...usually when it escalates to the physical and the partner stays without any boundaries or rules, then it continues.

I am not belittling the relationship or saying it is easy to leave, but he is putting himself at risk and really isn't helping his partner by accepting the behavior.

My mother stayed with my father during the episodes because they were not too often, till he went to far. I wish I could say that it all worked out, but in truth, my father never got help and died a lonely man...no wife, no kids. He was an alcoholic who chose never to get help.

Hopefully after his partner comes out of this episode, he can sit and talk with him. If the one who drinks is suffering from depression, he is probably trying to self medicate...unfortunately, he is using a depressive to do it. Your friend might want to be honest with his partner...if his partners behaviour frightened him and/or hurts him they need to talk about it. Would the person be more willing to go to see someone if they went together?

It is so hard in situtation like this...you feel helpless. I hope that your friends are able to work things out and that the person who is drinking gets help before things get worse.

 

[JohnTBap]

Originally posted by GEM


Anyway, sorry this is so long. Don't you hate it when somebody you love is really hurt, and there isn't anything you can do for them?

Yes.

 

[Serena]

Oh Gem, I'm sorry.

 

[DocRafiki]

Well, you're being there for him is the greatest gift anyone could ask for. I do hope he can convince him, during a stint of sanity, that he needs the professional help. Until then, maybe your friend should get some counseling for himself, to help deal with it, and he might also learn some ways to help his BF or to convince him to get help. Yes, it's so easy to say "just leave," and I'm sure that's what most people would say to your friend. He is really lucky to have someone with your depth of understanding and support.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

Gem,
While your friend doesn't have to make any life altering changes right now, he may want to examine himself and see what he truly wants, a really great place for him to start would be Al-anon. There is nothing he can do to change his partner unless his partner wants to change. The only person you have control over is yourself.

http://www.al-anon.org/

 

[s&k'smom]

You are absolutely right Miss Jasmine. I have been a member for over 20 years. It truly saved my life. GEM your friend did not cause his partner's problem and he can't control or cure it. Alcoholism is a disease. He must get help for himself. There are meetings every where and every day. He can even go to an open AA meeting. My best to your friend.

 

[GEM]

Thank you everybody for your kind words and understanding. My friend told me that things are "better" this morning. His partner sort of came around and started talking to him over lunch today. There was no apology or anything and they still haven't talked about what happened the other, but at least he is speaking to him again. I know that they should both get some kind of help. My friend is afraid to even suggest something like that to his partner again because last time he brought it up in caused a HUGE fight. He gets very defensive and angry when anybody brings up his drinking. He accuses my friend of trying to control his life, etc. I hope they can both get the help they need before it is too late. I hate to see either one of them keep suffering they way they are now. Sure, this has probably blown over for the moment. But what about next time? And the time after that? And the time after that? I'm just very doubtful that this person will ever be able to admit that he needs some real help. I can't imagine how hard it would be for my friend to walk away from this relationship after 8 years of what has basically been a marriage in every way except the legal sense. This is a person he really belived he would spend the rest of his life with. But I can't see him living with this for the rest of his life. When it's good between them (which is most of the time) it's very, very good. When it's bad between them (once a month or so, with the drinking) it's very, very, very bad. There doesn't seem to be any way to win.

 

[Lucky4me]

I would mention Al-anon to your friend. He could go alone if his partner won't go to AA. Al-anon is for families of alcoholics. They are a great support group of people who know what your friend is dealing with. It's so sad to hear stories like this but they are so common. Good luck and best wishes to your friend.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

Gem,
Your DF does not need to wait for his partner to get help. Like I said before and as S&K's mom said...He cannot change his partner's behavior, he can only work on himself. Sometimes when one decides to seek help the other will follow, other times the person chooses to remain in denial. The important thing is that your DF take care of himself. It is not a hopeless situation. Ask your friend to consider this... Does he feel that his life is unmanageable because of his partner's drinking?

And really after so many times an apology is not worth anything unless there is a modification of behavior. It's good that they are talking about it, but your friend needs to learn how to set boundaries if he chooses to remain in this relationship. He needs to learn to detach from the situation when his partner drinks as well, a loving detachment. These are all things he can learn by doing the Al-Anon program. Plus he will be surrounded by ppl going through similar situations. There is hope. And GEM since you care so much about your friend and his partner, you could go to these meetings as well. You can PM me, if there is anything else you want to know.

{{{HUGS}}}