My Dh Is Po'ed!!

[GOOFY4DONALD]

no 2 year old remembers unless the memories are reinforced and then only when adequately reinforced. who was keeping this memory alive? have you ever asked a family counselor how much information you should/shouldn't be giving your child?

and yes, I'm sure he was "excited" about a memory, a fantasy of who this guy is at best. he has no basis for actual real information. while you, the mom should have tons.

.

Your post mentioned what I think most people do not understand. If your son has a 'fantasy' father he will be that. This fantasy father that your son will create in his mind would be the most wonderful father an imagination could create. If mom talks bad about the dad or keeps her son from the dad to try and protect him it will end up biting her in the b*tt. Dad will be this perfect image and mean old mom will be the one that kept him away. I have seen this too many times.

 

[shortbun]

My nephew was adopted by my brother at 2 when his birth dad agreed to give up parental rights. He wasn't doing a very great job at showing up easily signed the papers. My brother knows he is Dad in every way. His son/my nephew has recently indicated a desire to remeet his birth dad. My brother is helping him arrange it. I think your family needs counseling. Your husband re-acted and now he needs to get his act together and be the mature man your son has grown to know and love as his father. Yeah, you could have taken 24 hours to think about the exposure and talked to him about it but in the end, your son wanted to see his birth dad and obviously the birth dad wanted to see him.....how could you or your husband rationalize stopping this meeting? Apologize for not including him in the decision making process but help him to know that it was inevitable and that he needs to stand up. I know he'll come around.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

My nephew was adopted by my brother at 2 when his birth dad agreed to give up parental rights. He wasn't doing a very great job at showing up easily signed the papers. My brother knows he is Dad in every way. His son/my nephew has recently indicated a desire to remeet his birth dad. My brother is helping him arrange it. I think your family needs counseling. Your husband re-acted and now he needs to get his act together and be the mature man your son has grown to know and love as his father. Yeah, you could have taken 24 hours to think about the exposure and talked to him about it but in the end, your son wanted to see his birth dad and obviously the birth dad wanted to see him.....how could you or your husband rationalize stopping this meeting? Apologize for not including him in the decision making process but help him to know that it was inevitable and that he needs to stand up. I know he'll come around.

Very well said.

 

[ginna74]

OMG OF COURSE the hubby is going to be angry! He has raised that boy and then out of nowhere the sperm donor decides he wants to be involved??? and upon his calling you promply put your son on the phone without consulting the only father that has been there for him??? This child should probably get some help ASAP. I am sorry but if I were the hubby I might re-evaluate the situation as this child is being sent different mesages and the fact that hubby wasn't consulted says everything. It wows me that people actually think that the dad is overreacting?????? WOW! If he were talked to the whole thing might be different. He was told that he wasn't inportant enough to be involved in what he thought was his sons life! I would step back if I were him and like I said re evaluate the situation. This is coming from a mom of a child whos bio father was involved also, then left. I am NOT angry at the OPS bio dad RATHER the WAY the situation was handled. If the bio dad chose to get involved here My hubby would not JUST help out. But he would be invovled in everything. He IS DADDY, and he is HERE. It doesn't take much to donate sperm. But it takes a very special man to choose to be a daddy, even if not related in blood. I hope the bio dad stays involved, as if he were to leave again,your son will be messed up yet again and hopefully the daddy will be there to pick up the pieces. Yes you made a mistake I think, but if hubby stays around then I hope all can be worked out and your son will understand eventually how much yourhubby has loved him and will love him.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

I think you guys are glossing over how devastating it must be for the step dad to have been marginalized!

I mean, I keep reading posts like "he'll come around" and "he needs to grow up", and "it's time to stand up" and I'm thinking, wow, really? It's not like he was ever given a choice or even asked his opinion!

His wife just let him know he's about as important as a turd on a rock when it comes to important, life changing parental decisions that will affect everyone in that family!

I think the issue of the bio dad coming back into the picture is small potatoes compared to the potentially irreparable damage the OP did to her marriage by acting so thoughtlessly.

OP, I hope Charlie can find it in his heart to forgive you, because if it were me I don't know if I could do it.

 

[Maggimus]

Why is this little boy at 8 years old wondering about his real father that he hasnt seen for 6.5 years? Have you said to him daily that his "dad" isnt his biological father?

I think im just a little shocked by the situation at hand and wondering if there is more to the story here.

Little boy knows his dad until hes a little over a year old... dad leaves never to be heard from again..

Child turns 8 years old and the little boy has been asking where his biological father is? What makes him think that "dad" isnt his biological father? If its because he "remembers his father"-- how does he recall that from such a young age? Are you keeping his fathers memory alive in his head?

Tons of children are raised by step-parents but dont find out until later in life about their real biological family(always thinking "mom and dad" are just like everyone elses "mom and dad")... I think this isnt just to "hide" the truth-- but its more for the mental health of the child. We as adults dont even like to deal with this type of family struggle.... imagine what its doing to this child. I would understand had the dad been calling for 6 months asking everyday about how his son was... proving to you, the mother, that he really is trying to become a staple in this childs life. However I do not understand what-so-ever how a little boy at 8 could remember his father so well... and when his father calls you would hand an 8 year old boy the telephone to talk to someone he doesnt even know. What kind of message is this sending to the child?

I would gain trust with the "father" through a serious of months before allowing him the opportunity to hurt your son. You do realize that some people who see these types of interactions in their early childhood grow up and feel as though thats how they deserve to be treated. Which may lead to them treating others this way. You are not only the mother but the parent... and you must protect your child. I have a feeling this isnt going to turn out so well.

Whats the harm in making "father" prove that he really does want to know his child by calling you and finding out about him for say-- the next 6 months? Gaining trust that way if he cant hang for 6 months then he obviously doesnt care enough to hang around at all. The man has been out of his life for 6 years.... whats 6 more months?

At 8 years old I feel that this is a whole lot of stress that this child shouldnt be dealing with...

 

[ginna74]

kick I agree with you totally! And mag you too

 

[bellarella]

I agree that the "grow up" comments direct at OP's DH are out of line. The way this scenario was thrust upon him is the issue, not what the scenario was.

Think of it this way. You are in a marriage where you make financial decision together. One day one spouse just shows up with a new car (even a "new" used car). The other spouse is ticked. Would the reaction be that the ticked spouse needs to get over it? Even if they were going to be needing a new car in the near future, in a relationship where financial matters are discussed, this would be a huge breach of trust. In talking it over they might very well have come to the conclusion to buy that very same car that was now sitting in the driveway, but that is all rather beside the point (though that will probably help repair the damage).

And buying a car is a *much* less big of a deal that spontaneously letting the biological father back into the son's life.

The red flags to me that indicate that the DH in this scenario is not merely acting hurt (though hurt is probably one of the feelings) are:

1. The child's memories of his biological father have been reinforced in an odd way -- memories from 2 are not that developed later in childhood without support.

2. The child has been crying about wanting to see his biological dad. Why? What is missing in his life that he's looking outside basically the only family unit he has ever known?

3. The fact that he has been crying has not been shared with his stepdad -- he has been kept out of the loop.

4. The OP's first reaction to an out of blue phone call from her ex was excitement.

5. The use of OP's phrasing "her" son rather than "our" son.

6. The first reaction of the OP was that her DH was reacting out of hurt, rather than thinking that maybe he just thought she handled things in a way that were *not* in the best interest of their son.

All of these things add up to a scenario where there is *much* more needed than for the DH to "get over" his feelings or "grow up." I think he has a real basis to fear both for the strength of his marriage and for the emotional well being of his son.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

The one thing that nobody is realizing is that no matter how long bio dad was gone..unless he signed away his rights... he could and probably would return at some point; even if only briefly. I think that if mom and stepdad though otherwise it was careless on their part. My ex is in and out of my daughter's life all the time but I always have to keep it in my mind that yes he will return.

 

[ginna74]

I don't think people are upset over the bio father (although we could talk about bio fathers in a new thred lol).

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

I don't think people are upset over the bio father (although we could talk about that in a new thred lol).

I understand. And yes I think that mom should have told her husband that "junior's" father has called and would like to schedule a visit. Let's talk about this as a family. Yes that would be great. But what I have read is that stepdad is more than upset mom talked to bio dad without informing him. He seems upset that he is calling at all. Maybe I am way off. But it seems like stepdad and mom set up their family and acted as if there never was a biodad.

 

[ginna74]

I don't think that all at I think it has all to do with how the mom handled it.
"Maybe I am way off. But it seems like stepdad and mom set up their family and acted as if there never was a biodad."


well of course there has to be a bio dad. we all have one. Weather they sick around and show up years later or stick around or never stick around it doesn't matter . " It doesn't take much to donate sperm. But it takes a very special man to choose to be a daddy, even if not related in blood." Again it really isn't about the bio dad, it is about the way it was handled and the daddy being treated like HE wasn't important or like he didn't raise someone elses child as his own.


"

 

[Hannathy]

I think many of you that are calling the bio Dad a sperm donor are forgetting HE HAS BEEN PAYING child support regularly for the last 6 yrs! He didn't cut and run, he did act semi responsibly for his son. Should he have seen his son - yes of course BUT he has supported him. I also think the Mom should have talked about the child's father, especially since he is paying for him. Why wouldn't she tell him about him? He has the right to know. Every one is right they should have discussed this day long before it ever happened since he didn't cut his ties and he kept supporting the child. Not doing this was short sided but I doubt very many of us could truthfully say we have planned for every single thing that could happen in our lives.

 

[summerrluvv]

The bio dad is the bio dad, end of story. If he wants to see his son, he wants to see his son. Unless the stepfather adopted the OP's son, he really has no say in the matter, regardless if he has helped raise the son or not, and regardless of the fact that he thinks he is the dad. The OP should not have to discuss anything pertaining to the bio dad and their child together to her current husband. It really bother's me when step parents stick their noses where they don't belong. I had a stepmom that always stuck her nose in my mom and dad's business and just created more problems for the family and for a while I wasn't allowed to see my dad. You have to do what the child wants and he wants to see his dad.

 

[lillygator]

I am still hoping everything is ok. (with OP's DH drinking last night)

I have to agree with some of the others, there is no way a 2 year old is going to remember his bio father whom he hasn't seen nor heard of since then....of course assuming OP hasn't built up someone to him.

OP, I hope you are able to sit down with DH and get everyone on the same page and work things out.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

The bio dad is the bio dad, end of story. If he wants to see his son, he wants to see his son. Unless the stepfather adopted the OP's son, he really has no say in the matter, regardless if he has helped raise the son or not, and regardless of the fact that he thinks he is the dad. The OP should not have to discuss anything pertaining to the bio dad and their child together to her current husband. It really bother's me when step parents stick their noses where they don't belong. I had a stepmom that always stuck her nose in my mom and dad's business and just created more problems for the family and for a while I wasn't allowed to see my dad. You have to do what the child wants and he wants to see his dad.

Amen to this post. I see so many mom (mostly moms) that have their children call her husband (or even current boyfriend dad) then after they break up next guy is dad. What does this say to the kids? My DH is my daughter's STEPDAD not her dad. My DH supports my daughter financially 100%. When he is home he takes her to school, goes to all of her games and school functions. But when it comes to her biodad he steps back. He doesn't like it but it is not about what he likes. It is about what is best for her. There is no denying that my ex is a jerk. He's a jerk to me and has even been a jerk to my daughter. But I do not ever talk to my DD about it. If anyone is going to ruin the relationship between them it will be the ex... not me and certainally not my husband. But I tell you what when my daughter is upset about her dad not showing up to get her or such me and my DH are there to pick up the pieces.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

I agree that the "grow up" comments direct at OP's DH are out of line. The way this scenario was thrust upon him is the issue, not what the scenario was.

Think of it this way. You are in a marriage where you make financial decision together. One day one spouse just shows up with a new car (even a "new" used car). The other spouse is ticked. Would the reaction be that the ticked spouse needs to get over it? Even if they were going to be needing a new car in the near future, in a relationship where financial matters are discussed, this would be a huge breach of trust. In talking it over they might very well have come to the conclusion to buy that very same car that was now sitting in the driveway, but that is all rather beside the point (though that will probably help repair the damage).

And buying a car is a *much* less big of a deal that spontaneously letting the biological father back into the son's life.

The red flags to me that indicate that the DH in this scenario is not merely acting hurt (though hurt is probably one of the feelings) are:

1. The child's memories of his biological father have been reinforced in an odd way -- memories from 2 are not that developed later in childhood without support.

2. The child has been crying about wanting to see his biological dad. Why? What is missing in his life that he's looking outside basically the only family unit he has ever known?

3. The fact that he has been crying has not been shared with his stepdad -- he has been kept out of the loop.

4. The OP's first reaction to an out of blue phone call from her ex was excitement.

5. The use of OP's phrasing "her" son rather than "our" son.

6. The first reaction of the OP was that her DH was reacting out of hurt, rather than thinking that maybe he just thought she handled things in a way that were *not* in the best interest of their son.

All of these things add up to a scenario where there is *much* more needed than for the DH to "get over" his feelings or "grow up." I think he has a real basis to fear both for the strength of his marriage and for the emotional well being of his son.

I completely agree!

This man is raising another man's child as his own, creating a home for them, all the things that the "real" "father" didn't.

I imagine how frustrating it must be for him to hear the excitement in his son's voice at talking to his "father". I am sure he feels that this man has been absent for 6 years and does not deserve to have his "homecoming" lauded like a hero. This is like if one family member always cleans and cooks and never hears a compliment, but if someone cleans or cooks once who *never* does, and gets all the accolades - except this deals with parent-child relationships, something a lot more serious.

I cannot imagine why anyone would feel that this man needs to grow up. It takes a special person to be able to raise a child that their spouse had with another person. I will be honest and say that it would be too difficult for me, personally.

He probably is struggling emotionally and mentally with this new development *and* the fact that the decision was made without his knowledge. As a PP mentioned, the OP referred to "her son" not "our son", so he might be thinking the same thing - that she doesn't consider her DH to be the real dad here when he's the one who's lived that role for all these years.

He is probably hurt and confused and questioning where he stands in his wife's eyes, and worse yet, in his son's.

I would advise the OP to hear how he feels and if she considers the boy "their son", he should have an equal voice in parenting decisions - and whatever excitement was present in their voices for the "father" should be doubled and tripled on Father's Day for the real man who stayed by their side.

 

[ginna74]

well again.... it isn't about the bio dad. YES the mom was wrong by not telling the dad. the man who is raising the child. WE aren't talking about how the bio dad wasn't around and decided to show up out of the blue. By saying themom shouldn't tell the dad... well...I want to roll my eyes lol and say that is VERY disfunctional. I mean WE OUGHTTO APPLAUD THIS GUY. TAKES A SPECIAL MAN TO RAISE A CHILD THAT WAS LEFTBEHIND! PERIOD!

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

Why is this little boy at 8 years old wondering about his real father that he hasnt seen for 6.5 years? Have you said to him daily that his "dad" isnt his biological father?

I think im just a little shocked by the situation at hand and wondering if there is more to the story here.

Little boy knows his dad until hes a little over a year old... dad leaves never to be heard from again..

Child turns 8 years old and the little boy has been asking where his biological father is? What makes him think that "dad" isnt his biological father? If its because he "remembers his father"-- how does he recall that from such a young age? Are you keeping his fathers memory alive in his head?

Tons of children are raised by step-parents but dont find out until later in life about their real biological family(always thinking "mom and dad" are just like everyone elses "mom and dad")... I think this isnt just to "hide" the truth-- but its more for the mental health of the child. We as adults dont even like to deal with this type of family struggle.... imagine what its doing to this child. I would understand had the dad been calling for 6 months asking everyday about how his son was... proving to you, the mother, that he really is trying to become a staple in this childs life. However I do not understand what-so-ever how a little boy at 8 could remember his father so well... and when his father calls you would hand an 8 year old boy the telephone to talk to someone he doesnt even know. What kind of message is this sending to the child?

I would gain trust with the "father" through a serious of months before allowing him the opportunity to hurt your son. You do realize that some people who see these types of interactions in their early childhood grow up and feel as though thats how they deserve to be treated. Which may lead to them treating others this way. You are not only the mother but the parent... and you must protect your child. I have a feeling this isnt going to turn out so well.

Whats the harm in making "father" prove that he really does want to know his child by calling you and finding out about him for say-- the next 6 months? Gaining trust that way if he cant hang for 6 months then he obviously doesnt care enough to hang around at all. The man has been out of his life for 6 years.... whats 6 more months?

At 8 years old I feel that this is a whole lot of stress that this child shouldnt be dealing with...

Yes. I agree, Mag.

 

[robertsmom]

I think many of you that are calling the bio Dad a sperm donor are forgetting HE HAS BEEN PAYING child support regularly for the last 6 yrs! He didn't cut and run, he did act semi responsibly for his son.

This statement really stuck with me. How do you know he didn't "cut and run"? My ex has been paying CS for four years, but I would never say he acted responsibly. When our son was born, he promised to contribute financially to his care if I did not go after him in court. Being young (21) and stupid, I agreed. After three years, I had received a grand total of maybe 300 bucks. I finally took it to court. It took almost three years of searching for him and submitting to DNA tests before I got any money. He was FORCED to take responsibility - he did not willingly do it, trust me. Just because a man is paying CS does not mean he will be any sort of responsible parent.