My DD was invited to a Slumber Party and.....

[DVC~OKW~96]

A child needs to learn that the parent will say no. A child needs to learn that having the parent say no, will result in the child learning how to deal with being told no.

Creating excuses for why she can't go is not healthy. She can't go because you do not have enough information to be comfortable with her in a stranger's house.

It really is that cut and dried if you let it be. She will learn that there are boundaries, and that you will protect her regardless of whether or not she sees the potential for danger.

That's your job. You are the Mom.

 

[Disney Doll]

Is there some way I could just have my DD stay until, say 11pm and then pick her up? I'm afraid my daughter will cause a scene when I get there. What can I come up with so she is willing to leave?

I'd tell her that she can stay till a certain time and you will be picking her up. I would tell her that when you went to pick her up, if she causes any kind of scene, there'd be a big price to pay at home. And make sure you and your DH have thought about the "price" beforehand.

You are the parent. Don't be making decisions about your child's welfare based on whether or not a 9 year old is going to cause a scene. That would have been the LAST thing my mother ever worried about.

 

[HM]

Call to RSVP and let them know that she will be at the party, but that you will pick her up around 11pm (or ask the parent for a time). My kids have opted not to spend the night a few times at slumber parties...but did want to attend. It worked out fine.

 

[happygirl]

I probably wouldn't let her spend the night

 

[allison443]

She's been to 2 slumber parties with girls she knew and parents I knew. The party is tommorow night and I haven't RSVP'd yet. DD says she's very good friends with the girl who invited her. I've met the girl at school and she seems nice. She's also in the running club with my daughter. I have no idea what the parents are like. I don't know how many other girls were invited or who they are (except for one in her class and I don't really know her.)

The party's tomorrow night? You mentioned you were concerned about disappointing the birthday child- well, please make your decision and RSVP one way or the other!
If she was only allowed to invite two kids like you said in another post, if you had declined earlier she could have invited someone else.

 

[allison443]

Is there some way I could just have my DD stay until, say 11pm and then pick her up? I'm afraid my daughter will cause a scene when I get there. What can I come up with so she is willing to leave?

Definitely tell her you are coming at a certain time, don't just show up and surprise her. Tell her you expect her to behave properly when you arrive and to "go peacefully" or else there will be consequences.

 

[PatT240]

Go with your gut feeling. The one time I went aganst it a parent left my 4year old child in a movie theater by himself to bring her kid to the bathroom.

 

[clutter]

Does your daughter regularly manipulate you by "causing scenes?" This is something you need to get a handle on before all the real drama starts in middle school. You are the mama, she is the child. You get to make the rules in whatever way you see fit.

Making excuses that aren't true for why she can't do something is teaching your kid it is ok to lie to avoid scenes. Guess how this lesson will play out in a few years? "In order to avoid a scene with mom over the party I'm not supposed to go to, I will lie and tell her I'm somewhere else."

I'm stricter than most parents in DD12's group. We have a standing rule that she may not stay over at slumber parties, and a lot of other rules that other moms and kids think are way too strict. I tell her just to explain to her friends that her mom is insanely overprotective and that there's nothing she can do about it. This is true, and buys her a lot of slack and sympathy. Plus, whenever someone suggests something that is a little out of line, everyone believes DD when she says "you know my mom will never let me do that, count me out."

I'm totally agreeing with this. If you don't know the parents, you simply tell her her choices: she doesn't go, or she goes and you pick her up at 11 without a fuss. If you're worried about a scene at 9, you're in for some rough years ahead.

Now, on the other hand... I am the mom that not everyone knows. I work and the other moms don't, so I am not a part of their social set. My dd has been penalized because of this, especially when she was younger. Trust me, someone you know and trust knows this family. Ask around. If she really wants to go, and you would like her to go and enjoy herself, you can get comfortable with the family.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

At 9yo I would prefer that I meet the child/parents before a sleepover. I suppose when I got the invite I would have invited the child to my house to do a once over.

It is OK to say to a child that you don't know the parents so she cannot do the sleepover. I have said that many times, which comes in handy when they are teens, trust me.

I tell my 13yodd that we need to have a few day invites before we do the sleepover. I might even suggest a sleepover with the girl in my home instead.

Since you waited until the last minute to make a decision it makes things more emotional. You just need to have a guideline as a pp suggested so your dd knows the "friend rules". The rules get updated as the kid becomes more responsible.

If she might cause a scene then you tell her you think she is not mature enough to handle going there and then going home at a certain time. She what she says. You might find that she says she can handle that & then follows thru with your rules. Or not. But then you have ammo.

 

[mjkacmom]

What great excuse can I use so she doesn't go at all?

Why don't you want her to go at all? I think it's a good solution - she gets to have a playdate, you get to meet the parents, so the next time, you might feel comfortable letting her sleep over.

 

[Becky2005]

I might even suggest a sleepover with the girl in my home instead.

I don't get this one!! It's not OK for your child to sleep over at their house because you don't know the parents but it would be OK for that child to sleep over at your house, which I'm assuming means those parents don't know you either! Therefore, why should they let their kid sleep over at your house anymore than you will let your kid sleep at their house.

I *always* see that suggestion all the time on sleep-overs. It seems it's only a 1 way street and it baffles me, why it would be OK one way but not the other.

I personally, don't see the problem with the "we will pick them up at 10". My DD had a sleep-over for her 10th birthday. She had a couple girls that had to leave earlier (and we knew them!). No big deal as long as the parents knew. I did it more at 10 pm because by 11 the girls were already ready for bed, settled in, not that they were sleeping exactly but they were settled in for the night.

Now, I don't know when the RSVP deadline is but that would irritate me if it's last minute and you haven't called. My impression of you as a mom would have me worried you aren't reliable.

 

[C.Ann]

Is there some way I could just have my DD stay until, say 11pm and then pick her up? I'm afraid my daughter will cause a scene when I get there. What can I come up with so she is willing to leave?

What great excuse can I use so she doesn't go at all?

Who is the parent in this situation?

You either tell her she can't go - for the reasons you have listed - or you tell her you will pick her up at 11 p.m..

If she's prone to "causing scenes" when you say no or give her instructions as to what is acceptable and what isn't, I wouldn't be allowing her to go at all..

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I don't get this one!! It's not OK for your child to sleep over at their house because you don't know the parents but it would be OK for that child to sleep over at your house, which I'm assuming means those parents don't know you either! Therefore, why should they let their kid sleep over at your house anymore than you will let your kid sleep at their house.

I *always* see that suggestion all the time on sleep-overs. It seems it's only a 1 way street and it baffles me, why it would be OK one way but not the other.

I personally, don't see the problem with the "we will pick them up at 10". My DD had a sleep-over for her 10th birthday. She had a couple girls that had to leave earlier (and we knew them!). No big deal as long as the parents knew. I did it more at 10 pm because by 11 the girls were already ready for bed, settled in, not that they were sleeping exactly but they were settled in for the night.

Now, I don't know when the RSVP deadline is but that would irritate me if it's last minute and you haven't called. My impression of you as a mom would have me worried you aren't reliable.

To clarify your post to me. I meant that the child could sleepover (either here or there) after you have met them a few times.

Extending an invite to the other child is reciprocating the gesture of the invite and nothing more than that.

 

[Becky2005]

To clarify your post to me. I meant that the child could sleepover (either here or there) after you have met them a few times.

Extending an invite to the other child is reciprocating the gesture of the invite and nothing more than that.

I thought that with your post but wasn't 100% sure. However, I have seen it numerous times with pretty much saying -- oh, just have the kid come over to your house for the sleep-over instead of theirs since you don't know the parents. It always makes me go "HUH?" That doesn't really change the problem of not knowing the parents. It's just YOU are the parent unknown instead of the other way around.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I thought that with your post but wasn't 100% sure. However, I have seen it numerous times with pretty much saying -- oh, just have the kid come over to your house for the sleep-over instead of theirs since you don't know the parents. It always makes me go "HUH?" That doesn't really change the problem of not knowing the parents. It's just YOU are the parent unknown instead of the other way around.

I know what you are saying.

Sometimes there are other reasons for only doing a sleepover at only your house.

My dd is making some new friends. One of her new friends has parents that smoke in their home. My dd can't stand that so when her friend asked her to sleepover she told she just can't because of the cig smoke. Her friend understands, life goes on.

 

[Minnesota!]

Why don't you want her to go at all? I think it's a good solution - she gets to have a playdate, you get to meet the parents, so the next time, you might feel comfortable letting her sleep over.

ditto.

Honestly, I would ask the teacher what she/he thought of the situation and go from there. Probably letting my kid spend the night (I am 99.9% sure I would). I guess I am more liberal about this, though, apprarently...

I sent my son home with 2 different people within the first month of school. I knew the kids, but not the parents (only quick emails about pickup/drop off times).

I just don't see the big deal...

 

[K and K's Mommy]

I am a former teacher. I had a few parents ask me about other families before deciding about sleepovers. I never thought much about it so don't be afraid to ask the teacher.

You seemed concerned about only one other girl being invited. That is how we do it at my house. They have a choice between a large two hour party or a small sleepover.

 

[DebbieB]

I am a former teacher. I had a few parents ask me about other families before deciding about sleepovers. I never thought much about it so don't be afraid to ask the teacher.

You seemed concerned about only one other girl being invited. That is how we do it at my house. They have a choice between a large two hour party or a small sleepover.

I think that could put a teacher in an ackward position. What if you did not have good feelings about a particular student's family? Or what if you said they were OK and then something bad happened? I didn't think a teacher could discuss students with another child's family.

 

[VillageMama]

Probably letting my kid spend the night (I am 99.9% sure I would). I guess I am more liberal about this, though... I sent my son home with 2 different people within the first month of school. I knew the kids, but not the parents... I just don't see the big deal...

There is a spectrum of protectiveness and Minnesota! and I are at opposite ends.

It is a mother's job to make sure that her children are safe. How can that be accomplished if our children are out of sight for hours on end (especially overnight) with people we don't know??

 

[hegsag]

I would not allow my 9 year old dd to sleep at someone's house w/o knowing the family. I would giver her the option of either going to the party w/o sleeping over or not go at all. Simple as that! I don't think you need to make any excuses -- just tell your dd that you don't know the family and therefore she will not be able to sleep over.