My daughter's Relationship with her Boyfriend

[sPaRkLeSpAz]

Just tell her to do what she thinks is the right thing. I'm twenty, and I would just enjoy the time I had left with him, honestly. [:

 

[IntercomGroupPage]

Sounds like he is looking for "friends with benefits".

Curbside him.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sounds like he is looking for "friends with benefits".

Curbside him.

You said it best!!!!
Friends with benefits...

Why should she allow herself to be 'used', and give him one of the best years of her life, only to be dumped.

Life is too short.

If she is okay with it, then she is just using him too... a co-dependancy... and that is not good.

If she is wanting to have 'fun' there are a probably a LOT of other people that she could also be having fun with.

To give this user exclusive rights is just plain wrong.

Like I said, how could a person with any self respect do that????


(PS: I still do not believe how many people are assuming that a 21 year old adult is not old enough to considering their future...

 

[shirleyb]

I agree with you. No need to just dump the guy. If he's planning to become a journalist he has a lot of hard work to look forward to. I think he is being very realistic about his ability to give himself to a relationship right now. They're both young and my hat's off to him for even being that honest with her.He sounds like a stand-up guy. So, perhaps you might encourage her to date other guys while still maintaining a close friendship with this one. You never know--if he's The One, it will all work out in the end. But it may take some time for both of them to grow up and get established.

Sounds like good advice.

 

[lovemygoofy]

You said it best!!!!
Friends with benefits...

Why should she allow herself to be 'used', and give him one of the best years of her life, only to be dumped.

Life is too short.

If she is okay with it, then she is just using him too... a co-dependancy... and that is not good.

If she is wanting to have 'fun' there are a probably a LOT of other people that she could also be having fun with.

To give this user exclusive rights is just plain wrong.

Like I said, how could a person with any self respect do that????


(PS: I still do not believe how many people are assuming that a 21 year old adult is not old enough to considering their future...

I'm not sure what going out and enjoying and having a good time is not considering the future. She is still going to college and having a life. I don't think it says anything about someone other than the woman is a self assured enough to go out for the pleasure of going out and not trying to find THE ONE. There is nothing wrong with that.

 

[polineedyan]

Honestly, why waste your time one someone like that when you could be meeting the love of your life. Nope I wouldnt want my daughter to waste one more second on this person. Sorry.

Agreed, dump him. He's saying it will end then, because he cant end it now. Just end it..Its like trying to fill a pool with a hole in it. Why bother? It teaches your child a poor lesson about herself. Youre telling her to stay with someone who has told her she's not worthy. For the sake of your dd self esteem, dont allow her to do that.

 

[horseshowmom]

If it were my daughter I'd tell her that if she occasionally wants to go out and have dinner with him or whatever, fine.

But she needs to also be dating other guys and building her life separate from him. An exclusive intense relationship is obviously not on the books in his eyes for the moment so it really shouldn't be for her either.

I agree.....let her enjoy her last yr of school meeting new people.
I applaud him for being honest.....and she needs to believe him.
Kerri

I agree with both of these posts. I do not fault him for being honest, but I also don't think she should consider it an exclusive relationship anymore.

 

[SC Minnie]

What is your daughter looking for? Mr Right or Mr Right Now? There is nothing wrong with either and it totally up to her which stage she is in. If she is OK with Mr Right Now then so be it.

Personally, if I were in her shoes I probably would continue to see him but not exclusively.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I'm not sure what going out and enjoying and having a good time is not considering the future. She is still going to college and having a life. I don't think it says anything about someone other than the woman is a self assured enough to go out for the pleasure of going out and not trying to find THE ONE. There is nothing wrong with that.

LoveMyGoofy,

You know I love ya!!!!

But, I have to respectfully disagree.

This is not about going to college and having a life..
Having fun, like dating, friends, etc...

This about a woman having a committed, exclusive, physical, relationship with a man who has told her that his ship will sail...

I continue to see that as an issue.

 

[polineedyan]

LoveMyGoofy,

You know I love ya!!!!

But, I have to respectfully disagree.

This is not about going to college and having a life..
Having fun, like dating, friends, etc...

This about a woman having a committed, exclusive, physical, relationship with a man who has told her that his ship will sail...

I continue to see that as an issue.

TOTALLY agree. Remember how they got to this point. Why did he tell her that he doesnt see them being together? Must've come up! SOMEONE was asking about long term, etc..
And as far as having fun and such..To advertise yourself as such is like "Im the good time girl, and Im using you like youre using me. I usable right now in my life..and its okay." Uh..NOT!

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

This girl is 21 years old. She's a kid! Let her have fun. I understand some people find their soulmate or whatever at 21 but I don't know many people for whom that is the case. 21 should be an age of getting to know people and having fun. She's not marrying this guy, they are just dating and if she happens to meet someone else along the way, who cares?

She's TWENTY ONE! Let her live life a bit. As long as she knows he's planning to move away, and is okay with it.

All these replies saying she should not get her heart set on him staying around... I don't know of too many 21 year old guys (at least not when I was 21) who planned to stay around either.

FWIW, I'm 31 & my bf is almost 33 and he's made it extremely clear to me that we're never getting married either and I stick around because he's fun and I like being with him. We know we won't be together forever but we have fun while we can. I suppose I could go off and look for someone to settle down with, but I'm content where I am. If I meet someone else along the way, great. if not, such is life. I don't consider it him telling me "I'm not worthy", I consider it him being honest about what he wants in life and him telling me the truth. And I'm fine with it. So maybe my perspective is a bit skewed.


Nor do I think this guy is telling the OP's dd that she isn't worthy. I think it shows a bit of respect for her that he was able to tell her the honest truth.

If this girl is fine with it, I don't see a problem with her staying in this situation. Who knows, maybe they will reconnect in a few years? And if not, she'll learn a lot about relationships.

Life is too short to be constantly planning the future.

 

[bicker]

You said it best!!!! Friends with benefits... Why should she allow herself to be 'used'

Last time I checked, "friends with benefits" was deliberately a mutually-beneficial arrangement (unless you believe that women cannot enjoy sex).

If she is okay with it, then she is just using him too... a co-dependancy... and that is not good.

Whoa! That is not codependency. You cannot diagnose codependency based on what little information you have in this thread. Many codependents are married to the object of their codependency! Please be more careful throwing such words around, especially when we're talking about something that the OP knows!

 

[bicker]

This girl is 21 years old. She's a kid! Let her have fun. I understand some people find their soulmate or whatever at 21 but I don't know many people for whom that is the case. 21 should be an age of getting to know people and having fun. She's not marrying this guy, they are just dating and if she happens to meet someone else along the way, who cares?

She's TWENTY ONE! Let her live life a bit. As long as she knows he's planning to move away, and is okay with it.

This is critical. There has been openness and honesty. People should be praising this guy, and instead they're condemning him. The reaction I see here is practically inconceivable to me.

All these replies saying she should not get her heart set on him staying around... I don't know of too many 21 year old guys (at least not when I was 21) who planned to stay around either.

Or gals, either, at least not any more.

FWIW, I'm 31 & my bf is almost 33 and he's made it extremely clear to me that we're never getting married either and I stick around because he's fun and I like being with him.

A relevant recent article on this:

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2008-06-08-cohabitation-study_N.htm

I'm married and wouldn't give it up for anything. However, that's me. It is inappropriate of me to impose my values regarding marriage onto others.

 

[blana]

My parents had a planned break up from the day they started dating because he was a college senior & she was a freshman. Since he was going to be leaving at the end of the year, they saw no future. They got married a year later instead. Were married for 42+ years before Momma passed away.

So, I'd say, tell her to follow her heart. If she sees a possible future with him, stay with him & they can discuss the great break-up as it gets closer. Or, they might decide the other is a big poo-poo head in the meantime. Or, they might end up realizing that it CAN all work out.

 

[Rock'n Robin]

I don't think people are condemning this boy, but I don't think anyone expects OP's daughter to stay faithful if he isn't.
I agree that 21 can be way too young to settle down. BUT, no one knows when they will find "the one", if they ever do! If someone finds "the one" at age 20, I'd hate to see her drop him just because everyone says she's too young. I was all settled and walking down the aisle at age 22. That is not everyone's experience! No one is expected to marry at a certain age or "be an old maid" anymore. If he's not the one, keep looking and have fun doing so! But staying with him because no one else is handy is a mistake.
Robin M.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

I haven't read the whole thread yet, but...

If things are going fine with their relationship now, why break it off now. So much can happen in a year. It sounds like this guy is being honest about how he sees things in the future, but in reality, anything can happen. I agree with those who have said she should follow her heart.

When DH and I were dating in college, we decided that we wouldn't get married until we graduated. Then, I also decided that I wanted to see where my college education brought me, and until then, I wasn't going to make a single plan with him. During my senior year (he graduated a year earlier, and stayed local) we broke up for a while. We got back together just as I was interviewing for jobs. I took a position 200 miles away, much to his surprise. I needed to find out what I wanted to do, and he needed to know that he shouldn't take me for granted. That time apart, and the time we spent visiting each other, was extremely valuable to our relationship. A year and a half later (24 years ago) we got married and I moved back to this area. (FYI, he graduated at 24, me at 25...we both took some detours along the way).

Another thing about DH. When I met him, when we were 20, he didn't want kids...ever. Couldn't imagine himself with horrid little children. By the time we got married 5 years later, there was no question he wanted kids, and can't even begin to imagine not having them. He's a great dad.

Early 20's is a time of really growing up. When you're in school, you always know (for the most part) where you're supposed to be and what you're supposed to be doing. I think this young man is just starting to recognize that real life, along with all the unknowns, isn't too far off.

 

[RitaZ.]

Life is too short to be constantly planning the future.

According to the OP's post, the young man has a plan for his future.

 

[ICF]

My wife and I met when we were 19 & 20 and in college.

Many couples meet in their early 20s while in college and it's a good place to meet and be exposed to lots of people your own age. Once you graduate and find a job, it won't be as easy (usually) to find people of similar age that you may want to marry.

If the girl is wanting to settle down (and I don't know if that's the case) after school and her current boyfriend isn't interested in that then why hang around?

 

[bicker]

Nothing about the scenario the OP has described has raised the issue of faithfulness. As far as we know, the boy intends to remain faithful as long as the relationship lasts. What constructive benefit (for the OP) is there in assuming otherwise?

"The One" is a myth. My guess is that there are thousands of thousands of people who could be your "The One"; you typically just marry the first one you find (or perhaps not, and instead marry the second one). The criticality of trying to place yourself in lightning's path is detrimental to a person's self-esteem. No one should think so little of themselves so as to think that they have to expend every possible moment of their youth searching for someone to marry them.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Nothing about the scenario the OP has described has raised the issue of faithfulness. As far as we know, the boy intends to remain faithful as long as the relationship lasts. What constructive benefit (for the OP) is there in assuming otherwise?

"The One" is a myth. My guess is that there are thousands of thousands of people who could be your "The One"; you typically just marry the first one you find (or perhaps not, and instead marry the second one). The criticality of trying to place yourself in lightning's path is detrimental to a person's self-esteem. No one should think so little of themselves so as to think that they have to expend every possible moment of their youth searching for someone to marry them.

Not true but if it makes you happy to believe that then okay. Nobody is saying that people should spend every minute of their youth looking for someone to marry them but- at some point in every relationship people usually have a talk about what they are expecting as far as the future. If you are with someone who has no desire for marriage and kids and that is something that you really want then why waste time with good time Charlie? A fun time is one thing but investing years and years of your life with someone who is just not looking for the same thing is like chasing the tide.