My college freshman is miserable. (sob) LONG

[N&B'smom]

I still have awhile before I have to deal with this but I can imagine how you must feel. As moms we truly feel their pain. It'll get better. He'll make friends in no time. Like others have said, once classes start, he'll meet some other people that don't know anyone either. Keep us posted!!

Shelby

 

[Jaimee]

I agree that he should give it some time. I had a horrible month or two when I went to college. We had 'suites' so there were 4 roommates for me to deal with. They all went to the same HS in a very small town and drank non-stop for the first weekend. I wasn't a drinker, but I hated being left out and imposed upon (always had a party going on in my suite..). I wanted to go home every weekend I could and my mom finally put an end to it. I stayed and hung out and made some new friends and eventually grew to like my roommates.

It's all so new, the freedom and decision making, being in a new environment. It just takes time to get used to it all.

 

[TimeforMe]

College is part of growing up. Most people don't have friends when they arrive at college. And MOST people won't have friends already when they arrive at a new job. Time to grow up. Its not high school anymore.

Many people don't have friends at college, but at this particular college many of the kids DO know at least some others. It is time for him to grow up, but it's also been a very tough summer for him. We lost his cousin tragically at the beginning of the summer who was the same age as my DS and he has had a difficult time dealing with that as well. But thanks for your compassion anyway.

 

[minniecarousel]

Well, if you're in the mood to hear some more stories, here's the experiences my 2 sons had:

DS#1 insisted on going out of state to a college well-known for their drama dept. Son was BMOC in HS for drama - gets to college, and he's a little fish in a big pond. He got along well with his roommate, who is from the town next to ours. Son lasted there for only ONE quarter. We often wondered it we should have insisted that he stay for the whole year, but the out-of-state tuition told us NO. So he came home, went to San Francisco State University and lived on campus (he should have commuted, since he had the roommate from hell!) The following year, he lived at home, worked and went to the local CC. The next year, he went to the State University he should have gone to in the first place (the one that is known as "HS, part 2"). He finally graduated from that college and is a happy guy! (By the way, he is in his first roommates' wedding in 2 months!)

DS#2 gets accepted to one of our University of California campuses (a step up from the State Universities). Lives on campus (only about 1 1/2 - 2 hour drive). Comes home many weekends. Stays the year. Turns out his roommate was the dorm's connection for pot. I think he spent that year in a fog. He had also been accepted to the State University where his brother was going. Decides to transfer there for his second year. Problem was, his grades from the University weren't good enough to get into the State Uni., so he goes to the CC there (we had already made a commitment on housing, then found out he couldn't go to the Univ.) Did well that year, got into the Univ of his choice (including taking and passing summer classes at home).

So both of our boys graduated from the same college, 5 years after graduating from HS. Younger DS met his future wife there (they get married in 7 weeks!) So, many people take a different path to get "there". Wherever "there" is!

Encourage him to get involved in intramural sports (we have a friend who we say their youngest son "minored" in intramurals! He was on so many teams!) Things should also improve once classes start. I sometimes think they give the incoming freshman too much time to hang out before classes start. Did the school give you a contact number to call if you're VERY concerned about your child? There must be clubs to join. They may not have sign-ups until next week.

Good luck. This is a difficult time for him - and for you! Hang in there!

 

[OhioStateBuckeye]

When I went to college I was the only one from my high school to go there. It was very tough at first, I lived with three other girls, two went to high school together and their high school friends were always over visiting. The feeling fades though as you get to know everyone, he will probably find some other kids like himself soon enough, I did (and I was very shy and afraid). So I think there is hope yet. And if he really hates it, there is always the option of transferring at the end of the semester or at the end of the year.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Dear OP, This is one of those times when it's difficult being a parent!

My oldest DS (who is now 35) went to OSU for 2 quarters. He was miserable! It broke my heart when I went down to see him and I left him crying on one trip. He wasn't even living in a dorm or off campus. He had a room at his aunt's & uncle's house in Westerville!

Anyway, he ended up coming home and attending/graduating the local university. Nothing wrong with that. He is highly successful these days. He got a double major (business/finance), worked in a bank for 8 years, and recently changed companies where he is the IT manager.

Big hugs for you and your DS!

TC

 

[golfgal]

Thank you all so much for your support and for all the replies. To answer a few questions: yes, he is living on campus. He has been there since Tuesday and they have kept the kids very, very busy with tons of activities; many of which are NOT optional which is a good thing. Today the rest of the student body moved in and they will begin classes on Monday.

He is not the type of kid to call home (hasn't called at all once) and does not open up easily at all. I'm trying to give him some space and for him to come into his own, but if I don't hear from him by tomorrow, I'm calling him.

I actually tried to get him to go to a different college where some of his friends were going, but he said he didn't want "high school, part 2". Unfortunately, I think that's exactly what he got here except no one's from his high school.

I am sending him his shin guards hoping that he will play intramural soccer. I KNOW he misses being involved in a sport and being part of a team. Frats are out of the question for him.

I guess he knew there would be drinking going on, but didn't realize how much.

Not that there isn't drinking going on but your son might be exaggerating that a bit. I also wonder if him not getting into he preferred college is causing him to cop an attitude and not really try to get involved. Also, while there may be some kids that know each other I doubt EVERYONE knows someone. It is hard to say how hard he is trying to fit in though. I wouldn't call him yet. I would give it another week or so, after classes start. It sounds like they are busy and there is plenty to do but is he doing those things??? Maybe you should remind him that the reason he didn't go to college X was because he didn't WANT all of his high school friends there.

 

[Buckalew11]

I hope he gets involved in intramurals and plays some soccer. My nephew (MY side of the family) chose to go to a smaller college instead of USC (South Carolina) where all his friends were going. He did not want HS part 2 either, even though HS was good to him.

He has gotten very involved in intramural sports at his school and chose not to play his sport of choice for the school (baseball). By getting involved he has had a wonderful college experience. He will be a JR this year.

I think this will come down to your son making a choice. A choice to get up everyday and go to class. To get involved, make the effort to put himself out there. That was the differenece in my 2 nephews for sure. DN#1 couldn't get past the unhappiness to even make the choice to give it all the chance that it rightly deserved. DN#2 literally told he he was putting himself out there like he would normally never do. During that nephew's first semester he lost both of his grandfathers within a month. It was a rough 1st semester away from home. Still, he made a huge effort that paid off.
DN#1 made more of that needed effort at UTK--because he was happier there!

I'm hoping the best for him and had him on my mind since I read this thread last night. So, I thought I'd check back in and see how it was going. I hope when you talk to him that things are getting better for him!!

 

[cruellababy]

Could this school possibly be St Bonaventure? My Dstepson had the same issues; he did 2 years there and now in his 3rd year transferred to Columbia. It did get better for him once classes started; but for him It just wasn't a good fit. I wish you both the best of luck!

 

[Patricia]

My daughter left on Thursday and it's been a tough time for her too. I agree that there will be changes after a bit of time and once classes get started, but in the meantime, it is SO hard. My older daughter, now graduated, wasn't wild about her first semester either, but handled it by attacking the situation and holding it in. This one cries and lets it out. I don't know what's worse. It is killing me knowing she is not happy. I thought I might be overly sensitive to her reaction until I went to a party last night where a few of her friends who did not leave yet were also guests. They all came up to me with these pathetic faces asking " How is she, is she alright?etc. etc" I knew I was not exaggerating. I, too, am counting on classes starting. It's nice to have 5 days of Welcome Activities, but it's a bit much for the kids who are not too happy. Maybe 3?? I feel for you OP, hang in there. These are the days when being a mom is not so much fun.

 

[aprilgail2]

Not that there isn't drinking going on but your son might be exaggerating that a bit.

My neice went away to college and she ended up having to change room mates- her room mate stocked the fridge so full of beer at all times there was no room for anything else and partied in the room, would come home drink at 4 am and stumble around the room- it was a nightmare and she ended up wanting to come home due to this. She finally got a room in the alcohol free dorm and was very happy there. She doesn't drink and had no patience for that so it worked well for her. It is a music and arts college so many of the kids are a bit "quirky" there...
OP hang in there hopefully it will get better. Like all the other freshman the first month she wanted to come home and hated it but after that she loved it and didn't even want to come home for the breaks! She made some good friends with the same likes as she is

 

[ilisao]

A little background.....DS had his heart set on attending one of three (reach) schools, but didn't get in. He did, however, get into 3 other very, very good schools. He decided to attend the one that gave him the most money even though he knew no one else who was going there. He was not happy about going there, however, and very very disappointed about not going to one of his favorite 3. He kept busy all summer and actually seemed a little excited about going when it came time to prepare for his leaving. His college is 8 hours away driving from where we live and in a pretty major city. I LOVED the school when we got there and thought it would be great for him. It's a catholic university which I also thought would be good as he's probably the most moral teenager I've ever come across. Anyway, we move him in on Tuesday and they had constant activities for the parents separate from the kids, so we didn't spend much time with him. His roommate didn't move in until the next day. We were there until Thursday and it became apparent even to us that it seemed as if many of the kids knew each other or had at least several friends around. DS had no one and his roommate seemed a little clueless. Anyway, he has a meltdown the night before we leave but toughs it out. The next day he is absolutely miserable, but again knows he has to stay there. I haven't heard from him since Thursday morning so I send him an e-mail today asking him if there's anything else he needs because I am sending him some more stuff. He writes back very briefly and states how he hates it there that everyone smokes and drinks and he has no friends.
This is a kid who was very involved in hs and had tons of friends.

It's breaking my heart to see him so unhappy. Classes do not begin until Monday and I am hoping that will make a difference. Anyone have any experience with this?

You say YOU loved the school and YOU thought the school would be great for him. Perhaps he felt he had to go to this school because of you and he really doesn't want to be there?

Incidentally, is he at Catholic University in Washington, DC?

 

[Micca]

This may not do much for your son, but maybe YOU need to mix up a pitcher of margaritias and have some friends over

 

[Laura]

Well, he just got there, classes haven't even started. Give him some time.

If he still hates it, tell him to get awesome grades so he can transfer to one of the reach schools he really wanted to go to.

 

[MrsPete]

I'm going to jump on the bandwagon with the majority and say that school hasn't really "started" yet, and it's too early to judge. Once everything gets started, he may very likely find his way and discover that it was just a rough start.

If I were in your shoes, I think I'd keep things upbeat, send him emails about searching out ways to fit in -- clubs, student union, whatever -- and IF things don't get better, remind him that he's really only committed to this path for the semester. IF he's really miserable at the end of the semester, you can make a change.

And a story: My freshman year I lived in an Honors dorm -- big mistake. Why? By chance, the vast majority of the other students on that dorm were Juniors and Seniors who'd been living there together since freshman year. As a rule, they were VERY serious about their studies Monday - Thursday, but they were also big-time drinkers Friday -Sunday (and that just wasn't /isn't me). Too poor to go out drinking in clubs, they turned our commons area into a beer bash every weekend. Also, they were all friends, and they weren't looking to take a new freshman into their clique. I lived there for a whole semester, and I never so much as joined my dorm mates for a meal in the dining hall. They even referred to my room as "so and so's" room (as if those people had never moved away)! I HATED my living arrangements and was miserable there every second! Academics were fine, and I found other places to fit in . . . but I was first in line to switch dorms in December, and spring semester I lived with much friendlier people. Also, when I moved to the new dorm, I was determined NOT to fall back into those ways, and I was more pro-active: I kept my door open all the time, spent more time in the commons area, and made a point to ask to be included in going to dinner, etc. Honestly, though, that first crowd I fell into was just anti-new people; if I'd done all those things in that first dorm, I still would've been rebuffed.

 

[Brian Noble]

Get him in touch with the Catholic Newman Center on campus. Ours is incredibly active---especially so for a state university. The students have a ton of activities, and they also serve as the instructors for religious ed classes for the younger kids, and do other things with the "regular parishoners". This gives many of them families-away-from-home.

 

[CraftyMouse]

Have him seek out his R.A. R.A.s are a valuable resource for new students. He/She can help your son with information on clubs/activities and also with getting to know the other students on the floor. I was an R.A. for my last two years of school and tried to pay close attention to my new students during the first few weeks.

 

[Saphire]

College is part of growing up. Most people don't have friends when they arrive at college. And MOST people won't have friends already when they arrive at a new job. Time to grow up. Its not high school anymore.

Ouch. It takes more than a week to "grow up". It is a process that takes time. When there are issues of homesickness and feeling disconnected from others it can be really hard. We are talking 18 here, not 24.

 

[TimeforMe]

You say YOU loved the school and YOU thought the school would be great for him. Perhaps he felt he had to go to this school because of you and he really doesn't want to be there?

Incidentally, is he at Catholic University in Washington, DC?

DS wouldn't even go check the school out beforehand so when we brought him there for freshman orientation, that was the first time any of us had seen it. And you're right, he absolutely doesn't want to be there, but it was the school he chose. Money wasn't the issue and we told him that repeatedly but his feeling was that he didn't get into his first choices of schools so what difference did it make where he actually ended up going. In hindsight, it made a huge difference.

I cannot tell you all what a source of comfort each and every one of you has been to us with your support and sharing your experiences. I love hearing all your stories and it truly has helped.

Just to answer some of the questions: I do think he is exagerrating the drinking part a bit but I think it stems from his feeling so disconnected as well.

The school he's going to is Duquesne University in Pittsburgh --8 hours away from us here in CT. He got accepted into Pitt and Syracuse as well. DH and I both favored Syracuse and many of his friends were also going there, but he didn't want to go there.

OK---a little update. Before going to bed last night, I texted him just to say good night, I love you, etc. He texted back with "I need help". That was it--I immediately called him and could hear the misery in his voice. His dad and I both talked to him an tried to explain that he had to give it time, wait until classes start, etc. but then he cut us off saying he was going to bed. He did mention that he was in his room (by himself) for a good part of the day because he couldn't find his group to do a tour of the city and didn't know what else to do. Last night they had a dance and he didn't go to that either. (which is fine because he's not dance type of kid). So anyway, there was no way I could sleep after that so I texted him and we ended up having a very positive conversation that way. (silly I know, but I'll take it anyway I can get it) I told him how proud I was of him for having such high standards but that he shouldn't judge people, he needed to lighten up a bit and force himself to engage. He was much more receptive and ended the conversation telling me he loved me. I felt much better after that and I think he did, too.

As someone mentioned, I do think the orientation is just a little too long--at least for him. They've had almost an entire week of it. But tomorrow he starts classes so I'm praying that will help a lot. Please pray for him as well if you can find it in your hearts.

Again, thanks so much for your support. It is truly helping me get through this.

 

[smartestnumber5]

College is part of growing up. Most people don't have friends when they arrive at college. And MOST people won't have friends already when they arrive at a new job.

I don't think there's any comparison between a new job and college. Most people don't live, eat, sleep, shower, etc. at their new job. Most people go to work for 8 hours-ish, then come home to their apartment/house and do their thing. Going away to college (and living in a dorm) is like being at work with no friends 24/7. You don't get to go home to your own place where maybe your kids/pets/spouse are waiting. If you're depressed you can't just come home and zone out in front of the tv or have a good cry, because you're sharing a 10 by 10 room with a total stranger who might not appreciate your tv zoning or who might think you're a moron for crying or who might be having a drinking party in your room. (I've done both the dorm thing and the own apartment thing in a new place where I didn't know anyone and the own apartment thing is a million times better. I think a lot of the stress of college is that you have absolutely no privacy ever and your happiness level is constantly at the mercy of another person.)

And while most people may not know anyone at their job (where they work only 8 hours a day), plenty of people get jobs while continuing to live in an area where they already know other people and/or have familial relationships and/or have a significant other/partner/spouse. Every member of my family other than me and my brother has never lived outside of the same 15 mile radius (by intentional choice). Other than the involuntary serving in the military a few of them did, none of them have never had the experience of moving across the country and being completely alone. None of them wanted that experience and so none of them chose it (some of them went to great lengths--breaking off an engagement--in order to ensure that they would not have to leave that area). I don't think they are any less grown up for not having had that experience.