My college freshman is miserable. (sob) LONG

[TimeforMe]

A little background.....DS had his heart set on attending one of three (reach) schools, but didn't get in. He did, however, get into 3 other very, very good schools. He decided to attend the one that gave him the most money even though he knew no one else who was going there. He was not happy about going there, however, and very very disappointed about not going to one of his favorite 3. He kept busy all summer and actually seemed a little excited about going when it came time to prepare for his leaving. His college is 8 hours away driving from where we live and in a pretty major city. I LOVED the school when we got there and thought it would be great for him. It's a catholic university which I also thought would be good as he's probably the most moral teenager I've ever come across. Anyway, we move him in on Tuesday and they had constant activities for the parents separate from the kids, so we didn't spend much time with him. His roommate didn't move in until the next day. We were there until Thursday and it became apparent even to us that it seemed as if many of the kids knew each other or had at least several friends around. DS had no one and his roommate seemed a little clueless. Anyway, he has a meltdown the night before we leave but toughs it out. The next day he is absolutely miserable, but again knows he has to stay there. I haven't heard from him since Thursday morning so I send him an e-mail today asking him if there's anything else he needs because I am sending him some more stuff. He writes back very briefly and states how he hates it there that everyone smokes and drinks and he has no friends.
This is a kid who was very involved in hs and had tons of friends.

It's breaking my heart to see him so unhappy. Classes do not begin until Monday and I am hoping that will make a difference. Anyone have any experience with this?

 

[Pop Daddy]

sexy post --- and he will get over it, dont worry its part of growing up, seriously he will be fine

 

[famofsix]

Give it some time and encourage him to seek out any intramural or interest clubs that he can make friends with people who have similiar interests. It is somewhat obvious but try to get from him where he is hanging out and be sure its not in his room

 

[Angelhalo]

I think it's like that for a lot of people. I was MISERABLE the first half of my freshman year. There were other students who had friends from their high schools but I had none. I didn't really care about the drinking and stuff. But, I felt very lonely. I went home a lot and my mom and I talked on the phone everyday. Usually with me crying. It DOES get better though. It's just part of life. I will say this though, the longer that you are determined to be miserable and hate it, the worse it's going to be. You have to get out there and try to make some friends. Even if at first they don't seem like the same kind of people that you're used to hanging out with. Just because they drink doesn't make them John Belushi. There are going to be people who drink all through his life and he'll miss out on knowing some wonderful people if thats an automatic reason not to try to get to know them.
It's a rough time, but if you can force yourself to get out of your room and try to get involved, things will get better.
I feel for him!

 

[Angelhalo]

Is he living in a residence hall? I was the RSA president my Junior and senior years and we did all kinds of social activities for everyone in the building all throughout the week. They usually post them on the bulletin boards.

 

[minkydog]

He'll find his way. School hasn't even started yet. Once he get into classes, I think he'll feel better. Encourage him to get involved in campus activities & clubs. Not all the students are smoking & drinking & partying. There are kids there like your son, he just hasn't found them yet. Hang in there mom. Its so hard to stand by and watch your kids go through this.

 

[Loverly]

I met most of my college friends thru our classes-not through living in the dorm. Hopefully he'll connect to someone in classes

 

[SwedishMeatball]

Awwwww hugs for both of you. My baby girl has been gone three days, and I miss her like crazy. She found out earlier in the summer who her roommate was, and they got together and spent time hanging out and became fast friends. So far she is in good spirits, but I worry about the "I want to come home" phone call. Once classes begin, your son will meet more people and have an opportunity to get more involved.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Give it some time and encourage him to seek out any intramural or interest clubs that he can make friends with people who have similiar interests. It is somewhat obvious but try to get from him where he is hanging out and be sure its not in his room

ITA. Once classes start things will shift. He'll have something in common to talk about and things will flow. Definitely talk up intramural sports and clubs.

Sorry he's going through a rough patch.

 

[Buckalew11]

hmm... I'd say he'll get over it also but this is what happened with my DH's nephew:
He wen to a small, extremely nice college called Sewanee (sp) (University of the South) and he knew he hated it right away also. He was to play soccer which was his life. he played sice about 4 or 5 yo and played HS and travel.

We get a call 1 week into his first semester and he says he quit soccer. Not, "I am thinking about it" or something like that but "I have quit the team." Shock!
Ok...and then "I hate it here." When DH asked him he said it was very secluded and every partied a lot. I actually thought he might like partying since you always hear that is such a huge part of the college experience, LOL. But he was serious and seriously unhappy. He stayed the semester and came home at Christmas break and signed up at UTKnoxville and loved it.

So, there ya go. Sometimes they need time and sometimes they are not happy and may not ever be. You know your son best. I'd say to try to do what is right for him, money or no money.
We had a kid here who hated our local college and begged his parents to allow him to transfer. They declined. He had a GF here from his hometown (they'd come together). He wanted her to transfer out with him. She declined because she liked it here and had GFs here that she liked. He was miserable and ended up committing suicide in the dorm. Very extreme/very unhappy...such a tragic and final act. Even so, I would never ever tell a parentnot to allow a transfer after knowing that story. It's only a school, etc. not worth their life.

OTOH, some kids need time to adjust and need to try and make friends. My DN went to college from TN to PA last year not knowing a soul. She is introverted w/ few social skills compared to most kids I know that age. Yet, she blossomed and loves it. So much so that she rarely calls home and I heard from her 3 times all year! (I was a bit peeved but happy she was having some fun!)

Good luck. You sound like you are understanding and supportive.

 

[Kath2003]

I hated my first year. He needs to keep busy. I also think he missed out something if he didn't expect smoking and drinking - he needs to go find people with similar interests to him (i.e. those who don't smoke and drink!), but he also needs to loosen up a bit. Drinking and smoking isn't for everyone, but there's no need to not make an effort to get to know these people...

I will also say that I only have one friend who I lived with in my freshman year, and I didn't know her for the first two weeks until we met in class! Living with people almost always causes disagreements - it's much easier to be friends with people when they're not under your nose all of the time!

He sounds lonely and bored. He needs to meet people somehow - does he have a job? Can he get one? (That was the best thing I did - it forces you to make friends; I've ended up living with workmates and still keep in touch with people who moved away many years ago whom I met through my part-time jobs!). What about clubs and societies?

 

[PlainJane]

Give it some time and encourage him to seek out any intramural or interest clubs that he can make friends with people who have similiar interests. It is somewhat obvious but try to get from him where he is hanging out and be sure its not in his room

He'll find his way. School hasn't even started yet. Once he get into classes, I think he'll feel better. Encourage him to get involved in campus activities & clubs. Not all the students are smoking & drinking & partying. There are kids there like your son, he just hasn't found them yet. Hang in there mom. Its so hard to stand by and watch your kids go through this.

I second both of these posters on suggesting that he should become involved in clubs, so he can meet some kids with similar interests.

 

[loco4dis]

Oh, your heart must just be breaking. I know mine would be. This is your baby boy and you've always been there to smooth the rough edges for him. But he will be OK, and he has to learn that he has the capacity to handle this on his own. He's lonely, unsure, in unfamiliar surroundings, and he doesn't have his bearings yet. Tell him you are confident he will make the adjustment and that things will get better. He needs to hear that from you. And tell him that he is one among thousands of freshman who went away to school who are feeling exactly the same way he does right now. Nearly all kids feel this way at first.

One thing my mother did for me when I was miserable away at school for the first time and wanted to come home was "make a deal" with me. She told me I had to tough it out for the school year, but if I still hated it after that first year then I could transfer to another school (it's a lot easier to get into the "reach" schools as a sophomore transfer). It helped me knowing that I had an out, but of course by the time spring rolled around I loved my university — it was my new home — and I stayed there and graduated.

Good luck to you and your son.

 

[Regina]

Many of us have gone through this.

My DS had a horrible roommate but he became good friends with others on his floor. As a matter of fact, two of them were in his wedding party in May.

The best you can do is listen and encourage him as much as you can. There are bound to be activities that he can take part in and as others have said, once classes begin he'll have more opportunities to make friends.

As for his roommate, he flunked out after the first year. DS shared suites with the rest of his dorm buddies for the remaining 3 years.

 

[Loverly]

I LOVED the school when we got there and thought it would be great for him. It's a catholic university which I also thought would be good as he's probably the most moral teenager I've ever come across. ?

Also-each Church was represented on our campus & each had a Student union of sorts for others of that religion to hang out. Have him look into that

 

[TimeforMe]

Thank you all so much for your support and for all the replies. To answer a few questions: yes, he is living on campus. He has been there since Tuesday and they have kept the kids very, very busy with tons of activities; many of which are NOT optional which is a good thing. Today the rest of the student body moved in and they will begin classes on Monday.

He is not the type of kid to call home (hasn't called at all once) and does not open up easily at all. I'm trying to give him some space and for him to come into his own, but if I don't hear from him by tomorrow, I'm calling him.

I actually tried to get him to go to a different college where some of his friends were going, but he said he didn't want "high school, part 2". Unfortunately, I think that's exactly what he got here except no one's from his high school.

I am sending him his shin guards hoping that he will play intramural soccer. I KNOW he misses being involved in a sport and being part of a team. Frats are out of the question for him.

I guess he knew there would be drinking going on, but didn't realize how much.

 

[smartestnumber5]

As others have said I think it's pretty normal for a college student to be miserable for the first few days--I know I was. Numerous other friends of mine from high school were also miserable the first few days/weeks. I felt a little better after classes started. It took awhile to get over the initial awkwardness with my roommate, but eventually we did. And once classes started up I was occupied most of the time so I didn't have so much time to sulk and feel sad. My parents did live nearby and I had friends that went to nearby colleges that I saw on the weekends, so I think that helped; unfortunately it seems that's not the case for your son. (Although, I have to say in the long run I think the visiting my family so much and spending so much time on the weekends with friends from high school wasn't good for me. It just meant that I wasn't forced to engage in any social events on the weekends.)

Things got better after a few weeks, but I was still was not very happy my first year, and thought about transferring. (Still there were actually really good things even at that time--e.g. I was very happy academically and ended up becoming very close friends with my roommate.) My second year, though, there was a really significant change--I got more involved in student clubs, moved to new dorm that was better suited to me, had a job in the admissions office, etc. From that time on I felt 100% better and never considered transferring again.

I do know a few people who transferred schools after the first semester or two. I think they were largely motivated to be closer to home (they were 5-7 hours away from home) and to be near friends they had from high school. But they did make it a semester/a year, so I think at least their decision was very well thought out. On the other hand, I also know a few people who basically got dropped off at college (within 2 hours from home) and within two days they demanded that their parents come get them and bring them home. In that case I really think things happened too fast and they should have given it more time.

So I think in the vast majority of cases like this kid's adjust. It might be quick--he might feel a lot better in a week. Or it might be gradual--he might feel marginally better with each passing week. I know I've heard numerous college professors/administrators talk about a change they notice in first year students by Thanksgiving time. We have a fall break in early to mid October and apparently at that point a lot of students are still adjusting and their anxious to go home during that break. But then by the time Thanksgiving rolls around students seem less anxious to get home and actually might be looking forward to getting back to school.

I think the important thing is that even if he is feeling down, he is still able to function. A few years into college I tried to do a semester abroad and I just completely freaked out when I got to the foreign country. I was there for two weeks and I just cried almost the entire time--didn't matter if I was in class, at a restaurant, anywhere. I was just not functioning--I mean, how do you manage to pass classes when you can't stop crying enough to see the blackboard or pay attention to what's going on? So I ended up coming home after two weeks. I've always wondered if I could have adjusted if I'd just stayed a little longer. I have no idea really--maybe I was just being a baby, but whatever--I've never regretted the decision not to stay. (It always struck me as quite a strange experience because about a year and a half later I moved like 600 miles away from my family for grad school to a completely new place where I didn't know anyone. And it was fine. I had maybe one or two episodes of crying. Had a few seconds of thinking "what have I gotten myself into"? And then after a few days it got better. I was able to function completely fine and I'd say a week or two in I was feeling completely normal. Not sure if I just matured in that year and a half or if being in the U.S. vs. a foreign country made all the difference for me. )

ETA: So in sum, good luck to your son. I wouldn't worry--this is normal. I'm sure he will be fine.

 

[LukenDC]

I remember the beginning of my freshman year. I was fortunate to attend my top choice school, but the first two weeks were still very difficult and I was depressed. But then I focused on classes and began to make friends. By the end of freshman year, I remember waiting for the taxi to take me to the airport and thinking that a quarter of my college experience was over. It was a sad thought.

Your son's feelings are VERY common and it usually just takes time for the freshman blues to fade.

 

[Saphire]

Ohhh, I understand your concerns, Two out of three of my kids had a difficult time the first semester. My son never came out and said it, but I could read between the lines so easily. My daughter told us from the beginning how hard it was, through phone calls, e-mail, IM, and visits home.

He needs time to get adjusted. The experts at Orientation told us that many kids don't begin to feel connected until Thanksgiving or later. We found that to be absolutely true.

Classes will be a great place to meet new people. He will feel better once he gets to know the other students.

As you know, not everyone is drinking and smoking. Since he is going to a Catholic University, encourage him to join one of the groups on campus that focus on doing good works and volunteering. InterVarsity is a great organization that my son was/is involved in. On Friday nights, they went out as a group and brought sandwiches to homeless people in Boston Common. Not everyone is back at the dorm partying, he just needs to look a little further.

My best advice to both of you is simple: give it some time. And know that you are not alone, so many others understand and have experienced the very same thing. Keep us posted!

 

[SplshMtn99]

College is part of growing up. Most people don't have friends when they arrive at college. And MOST people won't have friends already when they arrive at a new job. Time to grow up. Its not high school anymore.