My child is SOOOOOOOO lazy!!!! (rather long)

[gr8tpanther]

Originally posted by CRB#33
I had to do this only once with my son. I told him that whatever I found around the house that was not in its proper place, by a certain time would be thrown in the trash can at that time.

He didn't believe it. He lost pokemon cards and many other things.

He's never done it since. It killed me to do it, but it's been worth the lack of frustration I've had since.

Good luck.

This is already a rule... sadly, she has lost many many things, but that doesn't matter much to her, cause she STILL lets things lay and I STILL throw things away! Even toys that she JUST got have been thrown away before she even got to play with them.....

 

[Christine]

I was also a "lazy" kid. I'm pretty much a lazy adult now too, but I do like my house orderly so I have improved.

First off, I will tell you that one of my duties as a child was dishes. Now my parents probably didn't even try to get me to do this until I was 13. And you know, even at 17, I still couldn't do a good job of it. There was just something about doing dishes that was so overwhelming to me that I just could not get through it. I have no problems now. I do still always have problems with chores or task that have a lot of pieces, details, etc. I'm sure if I was younger they would diagnose me with inattentive ADD!

Anyway, I have an almost 10-year old son (ADHD) and a 13 year old daughter. There is absolutely NO WAY that my son would EVER properly do the dishes. So, I do not give him chores that I know would set him up for failure. We keep it very simple with him and that seems to work. And then we build upon that. DD is just now getting to the point that we may tackle the dishes.

Right now, I just give specifics. I won't tell them to clean their room. It will be "go to your room and bring down all of your dirty clothes." Then it will "go to your room and straighten your bed covers so they look decent." Then it is "go to your room and make your dresser top look straight." I seem to do better with getting things done that way. If you child is anything like mine (possibly ADHD??), you may actually just be giving more responsibility than the child can handle at this point.

As far as leaving snacks/trash around the house--definitely that would be punished by either lack of TV or computer.

 

[gr8tpanther]

Unfortunately, AGAIN, lol, I have already done MOST of this, if not near ALL. I have a laundry day, SUNDAY ONLY... if her clothes are not IN the laundry, they do NOT get washed, I did teach her how to do laundry and she KNOWS how, but she will go to school and be the smelly kid before she does her own laundry (SEEN IT HAPPEN!) My mother comes most every morning (live right next door) before school and has told her MANY times that she can't go to school with THOSE clothes on, Heather just shrugs and out the door she goes... might I add that on top of wearing the clothes, she also has NOT combed her hair?

I did tell her that if she cleans her room AT LEAST every other day, she could pick ANY theme she wanted and we would TOTALLY redo her room, ANYTHING.... well, she wants it, but she doesn't want to work for it.

I used to give her an allowance, but I told her that if she wasn't going to work, I wasn't going to pay her. We did charts, that didn't work. We did a token thing, that didn't work, even told her she could have a SLEEPOVER with whoever she wanted, she liked the idea, but again, not willing to work for it... AM I RAISING A FUTURE BUM?????????

Ya know? The more I type, the more afraid I am of having a 30-year old slob living in my attic!!!!!! I would expect this out of a BOY, loll, but a GIRL?

 

[karebear1]

Originally posted by gr8tpanther
This is already a rule... sadly, she has lost many many things, but that doesn't matter much to her, cause she STILL lets things lay and I STILL throw things away! Even toys that she JUST got have been thrown away before she even got to play with them.....

Then maybe what you should do is not throw things away, but have her clean and press them and then bag them up (as you stand by and watch her do so) to deliver to the Salvation Army. Do the same thing with the toys. There are lots of kids that would love and need those things. Maybe she's "learning" that there is no value to those things because you throw them out???? Make sure they are actually delivered by to the Salvation Army though- so she can see that it not just empty words. She can accompany you to deliver them and you can tell the workers there how generous she is being wiht her things...

 

[bumcat]

Jenn Lynn:
Sounds like a power struggle to me.

____________________________________________


Yep, same thing I'm thinking and so far the daughter is winning.
You can punish her, take away stuff, not give her an allowance but as long as she is seeing this as a game that she must win she is going to continue the behavior. Sounds like she for whatever reason has to win each battle with you.
Good luck!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Wearing dirty clothes and unkempt hair are signs of anxiety or depression or at the very least low self esteem. What you deem "lazy" could be something else.

Instead of punishing her I want you to do these chores with her for awhile. I mean a good six months and up until she "gets" it. Think of it as an evaluation. Since it is "proven" she cannot handle these tasks alone you need to be her guide.

This is a GREAT age to do this! Once she is good at her tasks she then will be able to handle them.

If that means you walk around the house pointing to all the messes she made and watch her clean up then that is what you do. If you have to dig in her room with her (while she is supposed to be hanging out w/ friends etc..) then that is what you do.

Is it a pain to do this, you bet! BUT it REALLY has paid off in the long run for us. DD can cook, clean, laundry, etc... I can have her start dinner and she is only 13.

Is she still a slob, oh yea. But she does "know" how to clean now. It is not "overwhelming" anymore.

 

[Lanshark]

Consequences

Once most kids understand that there will be consistent consequences for their actions or inactions they usually comply.

 

[CRB#33]

Originally posted by gr8tpanther
This is already a rule... sadly, she has lost many many things, but that doesn't matter much to her, cause she STILL lets things lay and I STILL throw things away! Even toys that she JUST got have been thrown away before she even got to play with them.....

Oh my, I'm sorry, but I had to laugh! On the bright side, I guess you can be grateful she's not materialistic! My son loves his "stuff!"

 

[Celluloidgal]

Lots of good ideas

She may be overwhelmed or not know how to do certain job. Or she could be like meand be a perfectionist...if you can't do it "right", I don't want to do it.

There is a website I frequent that deals with some "cleaning" issues...http://www.FlyLady.net

It is aimed at adults, but lots of good ideas for the kidos too. One is to take baby steps. Set a timer for 15 minutes. Do whatever your chore is for 15 minutes. No more. Stop and take a break. You can do it again for 15 minutes. Breaking it up, doesn't overwhelm, and racing against the timer is kinda fun. You would be amazed at how much you can do in ONLY 15 minutes!

 

[disykat]

My 9 year old son is sloppy too - he simply doesn't care how he looks, if his things disappear, etc. He isn't trying to not be cooperative, he just doesn't care enough to think about what needs to be done. He lacks organization skills. He is extremely self-confident, but couldn't give a hoot about how anything looks (My son who is not as self confident won't leave the house without looking perfect.) He also hates to do anything that he perceives as work. It is very frustrating!

I've been concentrating on teaching him how to organize himself -his hygiene and his basic responsibilities. Now he has a check list to help him remember the basics - brush teeth, wash face, etc. If I send him in to clean his room I also make a check list for him (clean off dresser, pick everything off the floor, put away shoes, etc.) At this point I wouldn't expect him to do something on his own - because I know it wouldn't happen. Writing lists helps me not nag so much and he seems to respond better. All I have to do is ask him if he's done his list. He is getting to the point where I can say that I forgot to make a list and he can tell me what should be on it. We're part way there! (This is the same kid who excels at multi-step math problem solving!)

It sounds silly, but maybe your daughter would be able to follow a list. Unload clean dishwasher, check silverware to see that it's tidy, close cupboard doors, load dirty dishes, etc. I'd also allow her a spot to stack things that she doesn't know where they go until you get home - then you can point and she can put them away then. That way she won't totally stop working if she gets "stuck".

 

[Crankyshank]

I'm still trying to train my husband how to put dishes away and that the hamper is not his mortal enemy

 

[Kallison]

I would take away friends, social activities, TV, any entertainment. She would come home, and do her chores or go to her room. Sorry you have let her get away with this for too long. I have three kids -- they have a weekly chore list. They do their chores after their snack after school, THEN they can go have fun. I will not allow my kids to live in a pigsty. They make their beds in the AM and pick up their floor before bed. My worst offender is my middle child and I've been known to wake him up, and get him out of bed to pick up his floor. A few times is all it took for him to get the message. I've seen what happened to my overindulged SIL who was never asked to lift a finger. She is a slob, her Mom still lives with her and still does a ton of stuff for her.

 

[poohkinandpiglet]

I use a chore chart with my kids. The best one can be found at www.ididit.us

All of my friends use them with their kids ages 3-14. It's based on a token system and they earn them for completing daily tasks/jobs. The rewards can be anything that motivates your child. Right now, my kids are trading 10 tokens for every Disney dollar they can get!

 

[gr8tpanther]

Alot of things floating around this thread that I like, but I have to pick ONE and go with it. We have tried the list thing, over and over again.

I told her last night that she has Saturday and Sunday to clean her room (this was WHILE she was sitting on her floor playing a video game) or the tv and video games go. The tears began to flow and the screaming and kicking I am SURE will come today. But, Monday morning when the room STILL isn't clean she will be kicking and sceaming even MORE. Yes, she will kick, scream, cry, throw things, ANYTHING BUT CLEAN HER ROOM! She isn't going to win this time!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Then why will you not work with her? I have been there and it has been the solution. You have to "teach" her.

You need to end the power struggle and find out what is going on.

 

[gr8tpanther]

Originally posted by The Mystery Machine
Then why will you not work with her? I have been there and it has been the solution. You have to "teach" her.

You need to end the power struggle and find out what is going on.

I have done that... her and I used to clean her room together, do the dishes and I taught her how to do the laundry, we cook together. She LOVES to cook and will be right there helping me and even doing that, but when it comes to WORK and things that she does NOT want to do, she will just sit there with her arms crossed and watch. And when we DO clean her room together (we clean it IMMACULATELY, or I do) I will tell her what to work on and she will just mope and make it worse. If she is going to give me attitude while I am working WITH her, then she is going to have to do it herself.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OK, you are not the one doing the cleaning. You are the one with her arms crossed telling HER what to do.

 

[gr8tpanther]

That will be what I do tomorrow (have to work today)

 

[Ibelieveinfairies]

I agree that this might be some sort of power struggle...that she is winning at this point. I think she must be getting something more valuable to her from you than her toys, priviledges, etc...or else why would she risk losing all her stuff and extras?
Do you think she might be wanting attention? Don't think I am trying to say that you are a bad mom who doesn't pay attention to her DD...but if you are caught up in a negative attention cycle, she might actually be "trained" to want the negative attention.
It's definitely a difficult situation when something bothers you so much and it doesn't even seem like a blip on her radar...you are probably thinking to yourself "why doesn't she see how much this upsets me and do something about it?"...and that hurts when someone you love so much is unwilling to help you make your life better.
Can you think of anything new, upsetting, etc. in her life that would make her crave some extra attention (even though it is negative in nature)?

 

[gr8tpanther]

Originally posted by Ibelieveinfairies
Can you think of anything new, upsetting, etc. in her life that would make her crave some extra attention (even though it is negative in nature)?

I spend more quality time with her than with my DD11, mainly because my DD11 has ALOT or problems and has ALOT of therapists who work with her. So I take DD10 and go shopping, go to movies, play games with her, she LOVES to chat on the net on IMs, but I don't let her talk to just ANYONE, there are a few family members that she is allowed to talk to, so I will sit and chat with her (I have more than one computer) she will be on one and I will be on the other and we just do stupid stuff on the net TOGETHER. I really think that she just sees the WORK as being something that takes away from her FUN time and she just doesn't want to do it. We have talked about this and we have discussed ways that we can get her to work. I even offered to take her to an afternoon roller skating event that is for kids HER age every Friday after school if she did her chores for ONE WEEK without any confrontation. She managed to do them for 2 days and then quit.

She loves my fish tanks, so I gave her one of them as her own to take care of. She feeds the fish EVERYDAY, and I am in the process of teaching her how to check the water and clean the tanks. My other daughter loves to help me clean the tanks. Heather does what Heather wants to do and nothing more.