My Business Trip Report or How I was Held Hostage in the Sky

[AZ JazzyJ]

I have begun to come to the conclusion that nothing that I do can ever be easy. A case in point is the recent business trip I just returned from. This was my first flight since September 11 and I was really not sure what to expect. I had heard all of the horror stories associated with people flying and took care to make sure I had enough time before my flight in order to get through all of the additional security at the airport. I should have known by the way my trip started that this was not going to be good. After standing in an endless line waiting for a seat assignment at United, I finally reached the desk where a woman who obviously hated her job and mankind in general greeted me with some sort of grunt. She took my identification and stared me down as if I were some sort of luncheon meat she had just discovered in the back of her refrigerator. Well I decided that this chick definitely needed to lighten up and I was the guy to do it. After checking me out she asked where my final destination was. I explained, “My final destination was heaven but I was kind of hoping I wouldn’t get there today.” I ended my remark with a straight face and waited for a reaction. All I received was some sort of snort, which I could have sworn was accompanied by smoke or dust emanating from her nose. Obviously I was not as clever as I thought and quickly gave her the information she requested and headed towards the security checkpoint. When I arrived there, I found I was the only person in line and made my way to the metal detector. After being at the Olympics, I knew the drill and began disrobing. When I looked up, I realized that this machine must not be set as sensitively and so I gathered up my clothes and put them on the conveyor belt. I also included my briefcase and my plane ticket. Since I wasn’t sure whether Acesulfame Potassium and Calcium Pantothenate would set off the alarms I wasn’t about to take any chances so I sent my bottle of Propel water through the X-Ray machine too. The one thing I didn’t put through the machine was my Diamondbacks hat that just happened to have 5 pins attached to it. That of course set the machine off like a Christmas tree. After assuming the position next to metal detector, I found a new best friend as I was patted down from head to toe. My briefcase caused another problem as I forgot that I had my laptop in the bag. They had to run it through the X-Ray machine several times before finally asking if I would please turn it on. I tried talking dirty to the computer but nothing happened. This must have spooked the security guard as he explained that wasn’t what he meant. I tried pressing the power button but the battery was dead which I think is a code word for “This guy is a terrorist” because at that moment I had like 30 people all wanting to touch me. I felt like Richard Dreyfuss at the end of Close Encounters of the Third Kind with little alien bodies all wanting to lead me onto the mother ship. After digging through my luggage to find the power cord, I showed them that my computer was indeed safe and free from explosives. During the midst of this computer boot-up, some wise guy wanted my shoes. I told him they wouldn’t fit him but he insisted that I take them off and put them on a tray from some elementary school cafeteria. Figuring I had enough trouble as it was, I gave him my shoes while I worked on the computer. He was gone for what seemed like forever but finally brought back my shoes. I was a little put off by all of this since he didn’t even polish them while he had them. I told him if he expected a tip he was mistaken. It was at this point that I realized these guys have no sense of humor and my flight was just finishing boarding. I threw my computer in my bag, gathered up my clothes and threw my shoes on the ground. In my haste, I happened to put my shoes on the wrong feet (which seems odd since they are the only feet I have how could they be wrong?). Walking crooked; I rushed to the plane reaching there just as the doors were about to close.

Jeff

 

[AZ JazzyJ]

As I made my way to my seat, I found that I was placed in an exit row and there was no seat in front of me. That was ok since I could stretch out and get some sleep. I crammed my bags into the overhead bin and got in my seat. I was pretty happy since there was no one sitting in my row, or so I thought. I had no more than fastened my seat belt (after reading through the instructions of how to do that on the card in the pocket of the seat back) when a very large woman approached my row with the seat assignment next to mine. I did not actually see her as much as I felt her presence. When I say large woman, I am talking about someone having her own zip code. She struggled to try and get between the seats and finally managed to hover over her seat and dropped like an atomic bomb. Well when she landed, she launched me into the air like a flying Walenda. I can safely say that seat belt saved my life or I would have had my head smashed into the overhead compartment. The woman had an odor of curry and permeated every pour of her body. I spent 5 full minutes trying to catch my breath. During this time, another man came into the plane that had the seat next to Smellinda. This guy made the woman look like a rail. Had this man been wearing a diaper wedgie you would have sworn he was a Sumo wrestler. Well there became some kind of death match as these two tried to get into adjacent seats. The nearest thing I can equate this experience to would be watching two plates of the earth smash together. Finally they decided that the armrest had to go if they were both going to fit. Monstro removed the arm and plopped down in his seat again launching me into the air like the Tower of Terror. Looking over at these two, a couple of things came to mind. First, the lady at the ticket counter was having way too much fun in putting these two together in the same row. Second, since this was an exit row, it was pretty clear that if there would be a plane crash, I would be the only survivor since no one else would be getting around these two continents. All of this was too much so I decided to try and get some sleep. Of course the flight attendant had other plans as she kept shaking me to tell me that I had to review the instruction card of how the escape door worked and that there would be a test. I suggested that I was pretty sure I was sitting next to a couple of floatation devices so I was pretty safe. No one found much humor in that so I decided to make the best of it and follow along. For the next 90 minutes I sat with my hand and my hat over my mouth trying to get some fresh air. The woman kept getting up and down every 5 seconds plopping down in her chair in some kind of sick exercise regime. When I finally looked over at her she said one word, “hemorrhoids”. Way to much information and I longed for the time when the worst thing I had to worry about was that my shoes were on the wrong feet.

Jeff

 

[AZ JazzyJ]

While in San Francisco, things went fairly smoothly. I had meetings from 7 AM until 9 PM at night so I had very little time to try and get into trouble. I did have an issue on Thursday night as I received a phone call telling me that my credit card had been reported stolen. This practical joke probably would have worked except that the phones in the hotel have a separate ring for long distance calls than they do for calls within the hotel. That coupled with the fact that everyone at this hotel was French and the best Raul could come up with was French Fries. I will give the guy credit; he did give it the old college try.

Jeff

 

[AZ JazzyJ]

I was really dreading the flight home after my experiences flying out. I again arrived early to make sure I could get through security. This time I found the San Francisco airport to be under construction meaning the terminal was seriously whacked. I wandered for nearly an hour trying to find the correct line. It seems United Airlines have instituted a new line theory where you are differentiated depending not only on the class of travel but also whether you bought tickets on-line, if you had frequent flier miles, if you had pets, and if you ever dated blonde women named bubbles. After finally getting my seat assignment and checking with the ticket counter to see if there was a weight limit per row in a plane, I made my way to security. This time they didn’t want to talk about my hat or my computer but again my shoes seemed to fascinate them. Rather than sending them through the X-Ray machine, Inspector Gadget took my shoes over and began to clean them with what looked like a Stri-Dex acne pad. Not sure exactly why he did that but I noticed that my shoes no longer have blackheads so that is a plus. On the flight home, I had an aisle seat, which is not my preference since that usually means I get to get up and down as others want to leave their seat. Soon two women came to claim their seats. The one in the middle seemed fairly normal or as normal as one can be with 15 earrings and her nose pierced. The other one who I will refer to as window babe was another story. She immediately announces that she doesn’t like the window but how the airline industry is out to get her by making her sit there. She further goes on to tell us as she is crawling over me to her seat that she is making this trip in order to mend her broken heart. Then for the next 57 minutes I get to hear about how her boyfriend of four years dumped her leaving her wondering about her sexuality and why couldn’t he commit to a long term relationship. It was a nightmare. If you looked in the dictionary under “high maintenance” this woman’s picture would be there. I prayed that there would be a meal on this flight just so I could slit my wrists with a butter knife. No such luck, all we got was a glass of juice and some peanuts. I tried putting peanuts in my ears to drown out the whining but her voice pierced my brain like the chick in the middle’s nose. As we landed in Phoenix, I begged the flight attendant to let me help her open the doors just so I could get out. All in all, it was an interesting trip and one I will probably have nightmares from for months.

Jeff

 

[Engr-Chas]

This is SOP for the airlines! The stories that I could tell you.

Engr-Chas
Lord of the Frequent Flyer Miles

 

[Obi-Wan Pinobi]

That's okay, Chas ... I think we'll pass on the details of your full body cavity search.

Jeff, would you mind if I copied this over to Transportation under the header "What NOT to do at airport security"?

 

[GotAnyPins]

Self...do not fly w/ AZJazzyJ or Lauri..if you do not want any body parts exposed..

Of course if you like that kind of stuff..reservatons here I come!!!

And for poor Raul...his french accent kept coming out Spanish for some reason.

Donna

 

[JudithM]

Jeff, rest assured you are not alone in this world! My neighbors just returned from a trip to WDW & had similar airport horror stories. I'll drive, thank you!

 

[Wish Upon A Star]

Well, I've got to say one thing . . .that was the most interesting story I have ever read (well, besides Stephen King novels) But seriously, I can almost envision what you went through . . .it kept me highly interested in completing the story as well as entertained.

I give it TWO THUMBS UP!!

 

[MeanLaureen]

Hey now, give Ed some credit. He tried French Toast too.

Stupid french hotel and their stupid phone systems... why can't you stay in a Marriott or something like the rest of us??

 

[suzanneb]

I KNOW it was NOT funny when it was happening...but it sure makes a GREAT story...ROTFL...

 

[dawngee]

Sorry to rain on your parade Jeff, although the rest of the story I am sure is completely and utterly true.....

United does not serve peanuts and has not for almost 2 years, as I believe the other airlines have done as well. This is due largely to the fact of all the peanut dust that floated in the air from people eating them--causing those with Peanut allergies to have severe issues (like breathing or lack of it)....

Anyway, thanks for the humorous update.

dawn g

 

[Engr-Chas]

Dawn g,
you are sadly mistaken about the peanut serving on other airlines. Southwest serves them up by the butt load ( I fly with them at least once a month). People allergic to peanut dust?!? That's a good one

Engr-Chas
Lord of the Blunt and to the Point

 

[JudithM]

Charles, don't open the can of worms that includes food allergies & Disney ! Also, my neighbors just returned from WDW on USAIR & got peanuts, too.

 

[Mickey527]

OK nurse time....
I flew on Southwest in May and they made an announcement to tell us that the flight we were on has been designated a "Peanut Free" flight die to a passenger with a severe nut allergy. They asked that if we brought any food made with peanuts abord we refrain from eating them on the flight. They said they would be happy to give us another snack if we had nothing else to eat with us. then they passed out a tiny bag of cheez nips. and when I read the bag it said on it "May contain peanut oil"
Now for the nurse part, I never believed that people could be as sensitive to peanuts as some are until I saw with my own eyes. We had a girl who came in to my Health Center who could nt' breath. She had a severe peanut allergy and someone had eaten a nut and dropped the shell on the floor in the hallway. she stepped on it and broke the shell. She had the reaction immediatly and gave herself an epinephrene shot. I gave her 2 more and started her on oxygen. She did ok after going to the ER and getting steroids but I saw how dangerous a severe reaction can be. Peggie

 

[AZ JazzyJ]

Oh great, with all the other trials and tribulations I face when flying, now I have to worry about the "nut Nazi" frisking me for rogue bags of snack food. I am telling you, I believe Orvil and Wilbur Wright were possessed by the dark side when they developed that confounded contraption. I can just hear the announcement now from the flight attendant, "Would you like coffee, a soft drink, or food from the devil that will make your head swell up to the size of a watermelon with a thyroid disorder? And if you select the swelling food, I am afraid we will have to check your head as there is no room in the overhead bin and it will not fit under the seat in front of you."

Jeff

 

[dawngee]

Well Jeff, I have heard people who frisk for a living called a lot of things, but by far the Nut Nazi is the best.


Oh and by the way as for UAL and Peanuts, they will serve no peanuts except pbj for childrens meals. They are actual Peanut free except for that since the peanut butter does not have the same effect airborne-wise.

UAL also has a disclaimer that they cannot stop anyone from bringing on peanuts sooooooooo I guess that frisk won't be happening quite yet.


dawn g

 

[Carrieberry]

OMG!! I am totally ROTFLMAO! As I was reading the first part of your story I was thinking, "This sounds just like my flight out of Sky Harbor last weekened" and lo and behold I look at where you are from and you are in Chandler!Needless to say, I laughed out loud!

BTW I got two, count them, two bags of peanuts on Southwest on each leg of my flight.