My BIL died yesterday

[jazzielady]

of a massive stroke and brain hemmorhage. He leaves behind a wife, 3 children, an 88 yo mother, 5 brothers and sisters, and numerous nieces and nephews.

They are planning no funeral events at all (his choice made years ago). He is going to be cremated and that's it. No viewing, no service, nothing. My husband wants the same thing, and now that I'm living it, I don't know that I agree. I feel that at least a short viewing, even with coffin closed, would help provide closure, a way to say goodbye.

I understand that they are simply complying with his stated desires, but it's difficult. I feel bereft with no outlet for that grief. Of course I had no say in the decision (and of course no reason for anyone to consult with me).

If my husband goes before me, I don't know if I will be able to do the same thing.

Please pray for his entire family during this difficult time.

 

[lucas]

I'm so sorry.

 

[luvmy3]

I'm so very sorry for your family's loss. My heart goes out to all of you especially his children

 

[Pumbaa_]

My FIL had this same request. I so wosh we had not honored it

there was a grave side service attended by MANY in the cold of Novemebr.

Wakes are for the living, not the deceased. Even if it was closed casket. i wish we had had something for his friends and family to come and mourn and remember his life

Please accept my condolences on your loss

 

[mousefanmichelle]

I am sorry for your loss

I guess there's a part of me that says even though the person who has passed wanted X for their funeral - I really think the funeral is for the living/grieving and that those who are left behind (spouse, parent) should have some say in it - even if it is different than what the dead want - kwim?

My dh's wishes are to wear his John Deere ball cap, belt buckle and cowboy boots in his coffin and turn the radio up loud playing some country music and then to tailgate at the funeral home. That ain't happenin I can tell you that much! No matter what he wants ultimately if he goes first, I have some say in what is really going to go down. Now he can wear his boots and his belt buckle and I don't even care if he has his hat on - but the music and tailgating... .well now that's another story lol!!!

 

[dizluvah]

i'm sorry for your family's loss

 

[tomthebarncat]

during this incredibly difficult time by honoring his last requests you are remembering him, the way he wanted!! Be there for each other and let the grieving process begin.

 

[Kelrykengab]

I am so very sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to his children and all his family. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Magic Mom]

I'm sorry for you family's loss.

 

[SaraJayne]

I am sorry for your loss

I guess there's a part of me that says even though the person who has passed wanted X for their funeral - I really think the funeral is for the living/grieving and that those who are left behind (spouse, parent) should have some say in it - even if it is different than what the dead want - kwim?

I am also so sorry for your sudden loss.

And I agree with the bolded above. Funerals are for those left behind, not the dead.

If his spouse wants something different, she should do what she wants.

 

[snapppyd]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Is it possible you could invite them all over for a casual dinner to be together and share stories about him?

 

[MerMom60_94]

Jazzielady, I am sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family. I like Snapppyd's suggestion - that would give everyone an outlet to remember and to grieve but also respect the wishes of your BIL.

 

[Robmom]

So sorry. My DH mentioned this to me a while ago that he didn't want anything either. He also just wanted to be cremated and that's it. No wake or funeral. I never really thought much of it until now.

 

[hellokitty86]

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. My Grandfather died 2 weeks ago today very unexpectedly of what we think was a heart attack (they didn't do an autopsy so we won't know for sure). He was only 65.

These 2 weeks have been an absolute nightmare and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. My Grandfather wanted to be cremated too and at the last minute they decided to have a short viewing for those who wanted to see him. I decided not to see him for my own reasons (I didn't want that to be my last memory of him) but I can understand why others need that. We also did a memorial at a church with no casket and I think it was much easier on all parties to do it that way, and it allowed those who can't or don't want to view the body to share memories and have some closure.

Anyway, sorry to blabber on your thread.

I hope your family finds comfort soon.

 

[Darsa]

I am so sorry for your family's loss

We almost didn't have a service for my mom when she died in March, for financial reasons; I'm so glad we decided to have a small one at a local funeral home. Family came up from several states away, and it was a lovely service given by my priceless DH, which I'll never forget. My dad had wanted a "no-fuss" thing for himself before all this happened; now he's changed his tune.

We also had no casket, because mom was cremated before she was sent to us from the hospital. She had multi-organ failure at the end, so there were no organs able to be donate, or we would have done that as well. I miss her so much, and remembering everyone's love and memories at the service was so much better than the memory of her suffering those last days.

 

[HelenePA]

I'm sorry for your loss... I did the same with my dad, no funeral, no viewing, he was donated to science so those things weren't possible. His choice. Maybe you could do what we did.. we had a family/friends dinner. We shared stories, pictures. We had a lot of laughs! I cried enough I needed those stories.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

 

[mumom95]

I'm sorry for your loss.

Honestly, I could never live with myself if I went against my dh's final wishes. I agree wakes and funerals are for the living, but I could never do it knowing he asked me not to.

 

[jazzielady]

We ARE getting together tomorrow at their sister's house, an event planned weeks ago. My husband's niece, sil, and their 2yo twins are visiting from GA for the last time before they move to Japan in Sept. He is in the Air Force and will be stationed there for 2 years.

So we're all getting together to wish them a "bon voyage!", and now I guess it will also be a goodbye to Karl.

 

[Planogirl]

I'm so sorry.

I think that the get-together is a good idea.