My best friend has been cheating on his wife

[Demosthenes]

I am not the type that normally posts personal things on the DIS, but I need some advice. My best friend of many years has been cheating on his wife. I found out a few days ago, when she called me in tears after he had confessed. It was a total shock to everyone (well, only two of us are aware, so far), but both of us are stunned and heartbroken. I can only imagine the pain she is feeling, but I do understand a measure of the shock; I thought I knew this friend, and don't know how he could do something like this to his family. His wife told me today that she wants to try and make it work, and she needs me to be his friend despite his actions. I still love this man, and I can't imagine losing him as a friend; however, I have no idea what to say to him. He is embarrassed to speak to me, and we have only had very short uncomfortable conversations the last couple of days. Can someone who has been in this situation before help me out here? For his wife's sake, I want to be there for him, but I just don't know how.

 

[Jewel1310]

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. People forget how their behaviors impact others. What is your friend's wife asking you to do? I think if she is asking you to stay in touch with him you may want to be forthright with your friend and let him know how his behavior is putting you in a difficult position.

I am very sorry for you and his wife!

 

[holycow]

Wow, so he actually has a conscience and feels embarrassed?

Why did she feel the need to call and tell everyone then if she wants to work it out?

You are NOT his psychologist! You are his friend. Do you condone what he has done? ARe you willing to listen to all of the dirty details? Are you willing to listen to him if he wants to trash his wife and high tail it off with his little honey?

Things you really need to think about.

If he did start talking if it was me I'd tell him straight out I think you are an idiot but if you want to be my friend don't talk to me about what you do in the bedroom.

Sorry I've had too many friends hurt by jerks who are embarrassed and then end up doing it again.  

 

[Disney Doll]

What to say depends on your feelings about the issue.

Do you feel he was justified? If so, then tell him and you can be supportive of him that way.

Do you feel he was not justified? Then tell him. Being supportive doesn't mean saying "Hey guy, good job!" if that's not what you really think. A friend sometimes needs to tell people what they NEED to hear, not necessarily what they WANT to hear. Then you can be supportive of him by encouraging him to do the right thing, whatever that may be in this case. Perhaps the right thing will be fixing his marriage. Perhaps the right thing will be ending his marriage.

Be prepared for your relationship to change. I had a friend who cheated and she knew my feelings about it and always felt that I was judging her negatively, no matter how carefully I tried to word what I said.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Honestly for the wife to pressure you to "be his friend" right now is odd. I mean, you are already his friend, you know?

Ok, if we are going to pick it apart, then I have to say the phone was about her and not him. She wants things to go along as if nothing happened and does not want you to upset the apple cart for her. It was like a thinly veiled, I am telling you this but I don't want you to do anything.

You can reach out to your male friend and talk to him about it or you can wait until he reaches out to you.

There is really no wrong answer. I would do what you feel is the right thing to do for you. For me, getting in the middle of an affair is not something I would referee with either of them. I might listen and say little right now.

 

[JimmyPicker]

You can still be his friend without talking to him (or anyone really) about his marriage or his affair.

Have a beer with him and watch the game.

 

[Robinrs]

Sorry to ask but are you male or female?

 

[OceanAnnie]

Sorry to ask but are you male or female?

I was wondering the same thing. For some reason I thought you might be female. Maybe it was when you said, "I still love this man.". Guys don't usually say that. Anyway, it would be an interesting dynamic.

 

[diznygirl]

I am not the type that normally posts personal things on the DIS, but I need some advice. My best friend of many years has been cheating on his wife. I found out a few days ago, when she called me in tears after he had confessed. It was a total shock to everyone (well, only two of us are aware, so far), but both of us are stunned and heartbroken. I can only imagine the pain she is feeling, but I do understand a measure of the shock; I thought I knew this friend, and don't know how he could do something like this to his family. His wife told me today that she wants to try and make it work, and she needs me to be his friend despite his actions. I still love this man, and I can't imagine losing him as a friend; however, I have no idea what to say to him. He is embarrassed to speak to me, and we have only had very short uncomfortable conversations the last couple of days. Can someone who has been in this situation before help me out here? For his wife's sake, I want to be there for him, but I just don't know how.

Tell him he's a jerk and he screwed up big time and he needs to make it right with his wife cuz she doesn't deserve this. Then tell him you'll be right behind him to make sure he does.

But what do I know - I'm a girl. Guys probably have a few beers, grunt, nod and call it a heart-to-heart.

 

[Robinrs]

Tell him he's a jerk and he screwed up big time and he needs to make it right with his wife cuz she doesn't deserve this. Then tell him you'll be right behind him to make sure he does.

But what do I know - I'm a girl. Guys probably have a few beers, grunt, nod and call it a heart-to-heart.

Some "girls" do, too. That's why I'm asking?

 

[Demosthenes]

Sorry to ask but are you male or female?

I'm a guy. I'm not talking like one I guess, but I'm just a guy.

For those who asked, I'm not ok with what my friend (the cheater) has done..I'm kind of surprised I need to clarify that, but I guess there are some people who would be ok with it. My struggle is that this man is a dear friend to me, but so is his wife. She has girlfriends, and hadn't confided in them yet because she is embarrassed. I suspect she told me because she feels alone, and needs to talk. I also suspect she wants to try and make it work because, more than anything, she's scared of trying to raise her family alone. Clearly she's in a bit of a daze, and I grant her the right to make some mistakes in who she talks to and how much she says right now. I've decided to tell my friend I'll be a listening ear if he wants to talk, or a regular non-verbal guy if he doesn't; either way, I'll be here. He sent me a text tonight saying he is on the express train to hell; I told him to pull the brake. He needs someone to talk sense to him, if he wants to hear it. I can't support him in damaging his family, but as long as he is working on reconciling, I'll be here. I guess I'm working out how I'll react as I type this. My friend's wife, btw, confided in my wife tonight about this. I hope that gives her a better outlet for her grief.

Thanks for your responses.

 

[Nancy for Disney]

I'm a guy. I'm not talking like one I guess, but I'm just a guy.

For those who asked, I'm not ok with what my friend (the cheater) has done..I'm kind of surprised I need to clarify that, but I guess there are some people who would be ok with it. My struggle is that this man is a dear friend to me, but so is his wife. She has girlfriends, and hadn't confided in them yet because she is embarrassed. I suspect she told me because she feels alone, and needs to talk. I also suspect she wants to try and make it work because, more than anything, she's scared of trying to raise her family alone. Clearly she's in a bit of a daze, and I grant her the right to make some mistakes in who she talks to and how much she says right now. I've decided to tell my friend I'll be a listening ear if he wants to talk, or a regular non-verbal guy if he doesn't; either way, I'll be here. He sent me a text tonight saying he is on the express train to hell; I told him to pull the brake. He needs someone to talk sense to him, if he wants to hear it. I can't support him in damaging his family, but as long as he is working on reconciling, I'll be here. I guess I'm working out how I'll react as I type this. My friend's wife, btw, confided in my wife tonight about this. I hope that gives her a better outlet for her grief.

Thanks for your responses.

It sounds like you and this guy's wife are very blessed to have you and your wife as friends. I have known many couples that have gotten past affairs. It sounds like the marriage is on the right path to recovery.

 

[LuvOrlando]

My DH is forever surprising me with guy behavior. It seems to me guy friends are just there for each other if they are cool and say nothing if they are not. I don't know that guys do a whole lot of deep talking to each other, they certainly don't seem to weigh in on each others decisions like women do. I'm not a guy but this is what I observe of them in their own habitat ; )

I guess the bottom line is you have to decide if you want to be HIS friend or if you are only interested in being THEIR friend. If you are his friend you'll be there no matter what he ends up doing. You might not like it but you'll be there for him through it all.

If you decide you only want to be THEIR friend, then you'll only be there for him as long as he decides to make up and stay with his wife.

For the record, I think it was very underhanded for his wife to call you and talk to you ahead of him. Honestly, to even tell you before your wife is really weird. Sounds like she doesn't want you to be his friend at all, she wants to get you to pity her as her ally hoping you will shame him into fixing things with her. Even though I am sure she is heartbroken, it isn't right for her to go to his friends like that, I don't like whatever mind game she is playing at all. I would avoid any direct conversations with her at all, same goes for your wife. Your wife will naturally side with her friend and her friend will use her relationship with your wife to pump info out of you. No matter how this plays out, if you allow whatever the wife is doing to go on your friendship with this guy will be forever destroyed.

My advice is to look sad, listen with both ears and keep both hands over your mouth so nothing gets out with any of them, your wife, her friend or this guy. Nothing you can say will end well for you. If you are pushed for a response say you are speechless or have no idea what you can even say to that... as long as it's open ended people can interpret it however they want.

You are in a very bad position whether you realize it or not... I don't envy you. Try to keep in mind your own wife will be listening to what you say as a gauge for how she thinks you feel about the whole issue of infidelity.. tread VERY carefully or you may end up fighting with her over this other couples mess. Good luck and remember, think silence.... at least that's my opinion.

 

[jobhunter]

A lot of people when they are in the 'affair head,' lose touch of friends and family members they know would disapprove. They withdraw from 'friends of the marriage' and tend to gravitate toward those who will look the other way or even encourage and justify the actions of the adulterer.

Perhaps the wife is just hoping that you, a friend of the marriage with a strong moral compass, can provide support while he is dealing with coming out of his affair 'fog.'

I don't think negative conclusions need to be drawn here. Even if she was trying to embarass him, yeah, it's wrong, but in comparison??? If he hadn't cheated, she would have nothing to shame him with. I'd much rather be embarassed than betrayed...ya know, if I had the choice. People finding out about the affair is a consequence of the affair. Oh well.

Whether she should have done it or not, she did. If she just found out I can tell you she is nowhere in her right mind/normal self at the moment. She is in fight or flight mode. Probably she is just feeling desperate, hurt, and alone right now and is hoping you guys can support them as they fight their way back from the brink.

 

[quasar4legs]

Be a good friend but...............be careful.
Do lots more listening than talking and remember the couple in question may stay together or divorce but you can be sure they will remember everything you said.

Years ago we 'lost' some dear friends after one of them had an affair. It all gets messy and it is very hard to give everyone the support they need without someone being upset.

Good luck

 

[JESW]

Sorry you are going through this, as unfortunately I know how you feel.

I had a best friend who cheated on her dh with his best friend. The guy had moved here from another area and was living with them until he found his own place. Her dh was working a lot and the other guy was around more and they "found" each other.

Our friendship was never the same after that. I was also friends with her dh (we all worked together - including my own dh) Yes, I was totally judgmental as I couldn't believe she could do that to her dh. I looked at her in a totally different light and it was never the same after that. We are no longer friends. Cheating is something I would never put up with.

Jill

 

[Christine]

Be a good friend but...............be careful.
Do lots more listening than talking and remember the couple in question may stay together or divorce but you can be sure they will remember everything you said.

Years ago we 'lost' some dear friends after one of them had an affair. It all gets messy and it is very hard to give everyone the support they need without someone being upset.

Good luck

Very good advice. Those two are going to end up how they choose to end up no matter what you say. Keep your judgments inside your head. I know you think these are great friends of yours but you can never know the little things that go on in a marriage that cause people to behave as they do. If you want to remain friends with both of them, keep your opinions of EACH of their behaviors to yourself and say this a lot "I know this has got to be hard...". Good luck.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

To the OP, having a friend do something that is so unexpected is never easy to deal with.

That you are both uncomfortable is a credit to both of you. I do believe people can make stupid choices, but also believe that those choices shouldn't have to ruin one's life. Unfortunately, when those choices involve other people, the one who made the stupid choice doesn't have control over all of the consequences.

So. All that to say, be who you seem to be! A good friend, who is shocked, who has to work through what it means to himself, and who wants to be there for his friend...

Good luck to you. You seem like a very nice person and your friend is going to need someone like you when the going gets rough (because it most definitely will get rough, fast).

 

[dawn1620]

Their marriage and your friendship with him are two totally separate issues...if you want to be his friend you have to decide that..not let his wife pressure you into it.

Also sounds like you will could become some sort of a 'buffer" between them if you get caught up in this.

And it just seems kind of strange that the wife that was cheated on is calling you to make sure you'll be there for him. I would step back and take everything in before you step on any emotional landmines.

 

[mrsklamc]

As a woman, I couldn't do it. He would no longer be my friend, period.

But my DH is both a man and one of the wisest people I know. He said "If he wants to still be friends with him, he has to 'man up.' Look him in the eye and say 'You've been a ____ and when this is over I'm going to kick your tail." And then just be friends.