Mulan Is Back

[Mulan'sWarrior]

You know, my phone visitation is any night from 7pm-9pm. I call the kids once or twice during those hours on their cell phone and then call DAMM house- he doesn't answer or let them answer, then he has them call me back after 9pm...he is still in control, although I am getting to talk to the kids he is calling the shots as to when-------don't get me wrong, I'm glad I am getting to talk to them but its just so wrong that he can disobey court orders like he does......he skirts his way around the law and gets away with it..
Mulan

 

[jackdis]

I know it stinks, Mulan, but I'm glad that you are able to talk to your kiddos while they are away. Yes, he's still not doing the exact right thing, but unfortunately, sometimes you need to pick and choose your battles, and my thoughts are that as long as he is making sure they return your calls and you DO get to speak to them, I would let the exact time thing go. We know you have done the right things, and yes, it seems that even with this, he is getting away with something else, but don't let it get the worst of you. Call your kids during the times you are supposed to, keep track of when they do call you back, but as long as you are in contact with them, I would focus on that for now....

Hugs to you. I know you miss them! We are here for you!

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

As long as you are speaking to them at some point you need to let the time thing go. DAMM will just tell the judge "Hey, I only have them for a short time and we were out doing things together. I had them call her back when we got home." If you put this in paperwork, JTB will get completely annoyed with you. It will definitely appear that you are nitpicking.

Stay strong but just be happy you get to speak to them and they are having fun.

 

[mumom95]

You know, my phone visitation is any night from 7pm-9pm. I call the kids once or twice during those hours on their cell phone and then call DAMM house- he doesn't answer or let them answer, then he has them call me back after 9pm...he is still in control, although I am getting to talk to the kids he is calling the shots as to when-------don't get me wrong, I'm glad I am getting to talk to them but its just so wrong that he can disobey court orders like he does......he skirts his way around the law and gets away with it..
Mulan

What's important is that you get to talk to your kids and they seem to be having a good time, nothing else matters really. It may have nothing to do with control, maybe the kids and their father are just out having a good time and don't get back until after 9:00. Yes maybe he is breaking the court order, but really the court order was put into place to make sure you get to talk to them everyday, and you are getting to talk to them. You need to try and get beyond the bitterness. I know that is easier said than done, but it really is the best for everyone involved.

 

[disney-inspired]

Just found this thread and my heart goes out to you and your kids. I'm praying for the best and that these next 3 weeks go by fast!

 

[cherjp]

I know it stinks, Mulan, but I'm glad that you are able to talk to your kiddos while they are away. Yes, he's still not doing the exact right thing, but unfortunately, sometimes you need to pick and choose your battles, and my thoughts are that as long as he is making sure they return your calls and you DO get to speak to them, I would let the exact time thing go. We know you have done the right things, and yes, it seems that even with this, he is getting away with something else, but don't let it get the worst of you. Call your kids during the times you are supposed to, keep track of when they do call you back, but as long as you are in contact with them, I would focus on that for now....

Hugs to you. I know you miss them! We are here for you!

As long as you are speaking to them at some point you need to let the time thing go. DAMM will just tell the judge "Hey, I only have them for a short time and we were out doing things together. I had them call her back when we got home." If you put this in paperwork, JTB will get completely annoyed with you. It will definitely appear that you are nitpicking.

Stay strong but just be happy you get to speak to them and they are having fun.

What's important is that you get to talk to your kids and they seem to be having a good time, nothing else matters really. It may have nothing to do with control, maybe the kids and their father are just out having a good time and don't get back until after 9:00. Yes maybe he is breaking the court order, but really the court order was put into place to make sure you get to talk to them everyday, and you are getting to talk to them. You need to try and get beyond the bitterness. I know that is easier said than done, but it really is the best for everyone involved.

I agree with everyone , remember he is still trying to wind you up big time, just let it go and be the better person, at least you are getting to talk to them, keep records of all calls and times keep calling when you should , stay strong and remember you are a winner not a loser like him, and boy is he a huge enormous loser!
Use this time a ME time, plan your vacation , get extra shifts, do things that you enjoy , read a book and have a glass of wine out on your porch in the sunshine with no distractions, and more importantly TALK TO US.

take care
love
cheryl

YIPPEE, just found out how to multi quote!!!! it worked!!!

 

[FinallyBoughtDVC]

Look at it this way: he's probably just a ******* that forgot to turn his clocks ahead one hour this past spring. LOL. He's been an hour late for months and can't figure out why...

Glad to hear the kids are doing fine.

 

[Mulan'sWarrior]

What's important is that you get to talk to your kids and they seem to be having a good time, nothing else matters really. It may have nothing to do with control, maybe the kids and their father are just out having a good time and don't get back until after 9:00. Yes maybe he is breaking the court order, but really the court order was put into place to make sure you get to talk to them everyday, and you are getting to talk to them. You need to try and get beyond the bitterness. I know that is easier said than done, but it really is the best for everyone involved.

I KNEW when I told you guys about the control thing that some of you would not get it....I am THRILLED that I am getting to talk to the children. And I am NOT a nitpicker. I wouldn't DARE bring this before JTB. But, for those of you who have lived my story- you know that it is about CONTROL.
DAMM is mad at me and the court for making him take the kids 4 weeks straight. After all, remember, this doesn't fit in his schedule. In his mind, I am off having the time of my life. He was warned and ordered by JTB that my phone visitation be any night I call from 7-9pm as previously ordered. He is still mad that he lost his phone visitation- so he is saying to himself- "she calls at 7:45p, I will not answer the phone. I will have the kids call her back at 9:07p just to make her worry- NOBODY tells me what to do! I'll show her, and just maybe the kids forget their cell from time to time, oh I had to work and they stayed at exSIL, oops, my bad"
It is all about CONTROL. I and every one of us that has been in this type of situation know this. And no matter what- it is wrong. Wrong is wrong and right is right. Is anything gonna be done about this? NOPE. Its just another thing he gets away with.
The funny thing is that I get labeled as a NITPICKER and as being bitter. When all I am doing is pointing out the obvious

Mulan

 

[barkley]

keep on keeping records of the issues with the phone visitation. when the case eventualy gets transferred it may be valuable for when issues of phone visitation come up. if i remember right one of his past complaints was that the times the kiddos were doing their activities impacted on his ability to make his calls (when he had the right to make them) and that you should have to schedual them around his hours-it could be a valuable tool to show that when he had them they had no schedualed activities yet he chose to not have them available during your mandated hours (or at least have their cell with them when he knew they would be away from his home phone), this could strengthen your position that you work to facilitate his calls while he works to prevent yours. once or twice during the course of 4 weeks he might be able to excuse away as forgetfullness on his part, repetative occurances would indicate a pattern that is in direct defiance of the judge's instructions (and in opposition to what i suspect their therapist would say is neccessary regular contact with you-contact they can learn will be made according to a schedual they can learn and trust that they can rely on).

i would think the record would also be valuable for establishing ex's track record of reliability. one of the issues that often came up when i worked for child welfare was how a parent/parents performed when it came to the seemingly easiest issues in caring for their children. it was'nt unusual when a major issue came up and a parent's lawyer would try to argue that their lack of responsibility addressing it appropriatly should be disregarded because it was'nt likely to be an issue to repeat itself, only to have cw staff pull out documentation that demonstrated how that parent had a history of failing to take appropriate action on a laundry list of 'minor' issues. the courts did'nt look sympatheticaly at the person who had a documented history of failing to take care of the minor issues such that when a major issue came up it was further complicated (2 that come to mind in lots of cases were when a parent would argue that they should'nt be penalized for mailing something important late, because it was just a one time lapse on their part-only to have date stamped envelopes produced by cw showing how they always sent everything in late, or the parent would swear that they had never received a call on an issue-but cw would produce the phone records showing that repetative calls were attempted but either blocked or not returned). it all adds up to show a pattern of behaviour.

sounds like the 2 day preschool program might be a good fit-if nothing else it will give you a slot for him and you can use this school year to learn about what other programs exist in your area (and if there's a waiting list you can get him on it). once he gets to kindergarten is full or half day the norm in your area? if it's full day then you might want to try and get him into a full day preschool program (even if a chunk of it is considered daycare) at least 6 months before he will start k. the transition from part time preschool to full time k can be so taxing on little ones, just about the time that they are thinking (and feeling) that they get to wind down for lunch and nap is when they are slated for another 3 hours of academics. the school my kids used to go to had a half day kindergarten but it was housed in the same classroom as the full day first and second graders (small school ) but it got to a point where the parents were seeing how hard the transition was from half to full day such that they talked the school into offering an option where the k students could stay the whole school day (academics were done in the a.m. only so the half day kids did'nt miss any if their parents did'nt opt for full day). the kindergarteners that stayed for the afternoon session did largly more art and fun projects that were'nt terribly taxing on them but it was interesting to see how much easier it was for those kiddos to make the transition to full day academics the next year when first grade rolled around.

 

[jackdis]

I know it stinks, Mulan, but I'm glad that you are able to talk to your kiddos while they are away. Yes, he's still not doing the exact right thing, but unfortunately, sometimes you need to pick and choose your battles, and my thoughts are that as long as he is making sure they return your calls and you DO get to speak to them, I would let the exact time thing go. We know you have done the right things, and yes, it seems that even with this, he is getting away with something else, but don't let it get the worst of you. Call your kids during the times you are supposed to, keep track of when they do call you back, but as long as you are in contact with them, I would focus on that for now....

Hugs to you. I know you miss them! We are here for you!

Mulan,
I was not calling you a nit picker AT ALL. I hope you did not mean me when you wrote that in your last post. I was just trying to point out the positives here, that you ARE speaking with the children regularly while they are away. Yes, as you said, what's right is right and what's wrong is wrong. Is he doing the completely right thing regarding the phone hours? No, but I think we need to just look at the big picture at this point in time and I am glad that you are talking to the kids regularly. I also think you need to keep doing the "right" thing, as you have, because we have seen that your ex is not a stable person and would not hesitate to try to turn the slightest thing you do "wrong" (and I use that term loosely) into something much,much bigger. I also agree with the other post (barkley, i think) about still keeping track because you might need this info. down the road. That is what I meant when I also said keep track of these phone call issues, but to just be happy that they are calling you. Obviously, he has had to modify some of his behaviors now when the children are there. (making them call you.) But remember, with his track record, it will be baby steps with him for awhile, I'm sure. He is not right, but you have to work with what you have. For now, just focus on talking to your kiddos and that they will be back soon. I know this was a long post but I really don't think you understood what I was saying before.

 

[jackdis]

Look at it this way: he's probably just a ******* that forgot to turn his clocks ahead one hour this past spring. LOL. He's been an hour late for months and can't figure out why...

Glad to hear the kids are doing fine.

LOL.........

 

[robinb]

It is all about CONTROL. I and every one of us that has been in this type of situation know this. And no matter what- it is wrong. Wrong is wrong and right is right. Is anything gonna be done about this? NOPE. Its just another thing he gets away with.
The funny thing is that I get labeled as a NITPICKER and as being bitter. When all I am doing is pointing out the obvious

Of course it's about control. He has control over the children and he has control over the situation (when they can call you) but he cannot control YOU unless you let him.

 

[momx2]

I totally agree witht the previous posters. I don't think anyone called you a nitpicker, but said you would be seen as a nitpicker with the judge. Although, your past few posts have seemed a little bit like nitpicking. We all know what he's doing and yes, it is about control, but you also want control and you do seem a little bitter. The posters here are just trying to get you to see beyond the little stuff and look at the good stuff and how far you have come.

The whole McDonalds post, I thought...."so what?" You've had the kids out that late lots of times. Do I think McDonalds is the best thing for kids at 9 p.m., "No!" Heck, my own parents do the samething with my kids sometimes. Be glad the kids got a treat. Most kids think going to McDonalds is fun, at least mine do and they consider it a treat. Try to look at the positives and stop dwelling on the negatives. I think that is what everyone here is saying.

 

[jackdis]

I totally agree witht the previous posters. I don't think anyone called you a nitpicker, but said you would be seen as a nitpicker with the judge. Although, your past few posts have seemed a little bit like nitpicking. We all know what he's doing and yes, it is about control, but you also want control and you do seem a little bitter. The posters here are just trying to get you to see beyond the little stuff and look at the good stuff and how far you have come.

The whole McDonalds post, I thought...."so what?" You've had the kids out that late lots of times. Do I think McDonalds is the best thing for kids at 9 p.m., "No!" Heck, my own parents do the samething with my kids sometimes. Be glad the kids got a treat. Most kids think going to McDonalds is fun, at least mine do and they consider it a treat. Try to look at the positives and stop dwelling on the negatives. I think that is what everyone here is saying.

Well said. And thanks, because I was really worried that my post came across the wrong way.
Mulan, I have been here with you since your VERY FIRST post on the other thread. You have come so far. Don't lose sight of that, even when things seem like they aren't that great. Think back to where you were and how far you have come!!!!!!!!! He doesn't have the control over YOU. YOU have that control and you have shown it in how far you have come!

 

[maymom96]

I do understand what you are saying Mulan. I go through it with my sons sperm donor. He hasn't seen my child in 8+ years but will do things to "show" me he is in control. I try really hard to laugh at him and his attempts to be a big man.
For you Mulan, right now your ex has some control. Turn it around. Your phone visitation is from 7-9. So tonight, call a few minutes before 9. He won't have the kids call you back till after 9. Tell the kids sorry you called so late but you were out with friends. Do it again on Friday night. Your ex will see that the kids being with him is giving you all kinds of freedom. He'll either return the kids early or start having them call you to ruin the fun your having. If the kids call you on your cell, try to make lots of background noise to make it sound like you are out.

 

[cherjp]

I do understand what you are saying Mulan. I go through it with my sons sperm donor. He hasn't seen my child in 8+ years but will do things to "show" me he is in control. I try really hard to laugh at him and his attempts to be a big man.
For you Mulan, right now your ex has some control. Turn it around. Your phone visitation is from 7-9. So tonight, call a few minutes before 9. He won't have the kids call you back till after 9. Tell the kids sorry you called so late but you were out with friends. Do it again on Friday night. Your ex will see that the kids being with him is giving you all kinds of freedom. He'll either return the kids early or start having them call you to ruin the fun your having. If the kids call you on your cell, try to make lots of background noise to make it sound like you are out.

I think this is a great idea, this will make him think that you are out having fun and he wont like that, because you have too much time on your hands!!!

Mulan its good that you run most things past us first because we can then NITPICK your ideas and help you in the right path , but please dont think we are against you, we know that DAMM is a control FREAK but you have to show him through gritted teeth that you are so glad he is caring (HAHAHAHAHA) for your cherubs and taking them to EXOTIC EATING PLACES, they wont come to any harm eating there or being up so late at night and remember its him that has to deal with their cranky little faces from lack of sleep, not you, You provide the loving and caring, stable environment that they call HOME.

take care
cheryl
xx

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

Document everything but under no circumstances do you let DAMM know that he is getting under your skin. He is doing this to get a rise out of you and if you aren't reacting to it then he will stop.

I totally know where you are coming from. DH's ex is all about control too. The worst part is that the kids are always the ones caught in the middle.

Hang in there. They'll be home soon!

 

[buckler]

I don't think I'd make it look like you were out with friends and too busy to call until later. DAMM will tell the kids that their mother is having fun without them there and that would hurt their feelings. I'd just keep quiet about what you are doing. It's none of DAMM's business. Plus the mystery of not knowing what's you're up to will leave things up to his imagination. I bet he will imagine worse things then you could make up.

I know it's maddening that he is playing these control games. He's just playing these stupid childish games with the phone calls in order to get you riled up and get your attention. Don't give him the satisfaction of thinking it's bothering you because then he "wins".

 

[Mulan'sWarrior]

Remember that guy a few weeks ago who never called me back? Well, apparently his dad got sicker and so did his mom- maybe that's why he never called me back Well, I just found out his dad died on Monday and visitation is tonight....should I go or just call and leave him a message?
Mulan

 

[cherjp]

Remember that guy a few weeks ago who never called me back? Well, apparently his dad got sicker and so did his mom- maybe that's why he never called me back Well, I just found out his dad died on Monday and visitation is tonight....should I go or just call and leave him a message?
Mulan

Hi Mulan,

I think I would call and say how sorry you are that his dad died , and that you are there for him if he ever needs to talk, and leave it at that, whats for you will not go bye you Mulan! then wait and see if he calls,if he doesnt maybe you could call him in a few weeks to see how he is holding up, he might appreciate that.

cheryl