much better, thanks all.

[Hannathy]

I

I also lived with my MIL for almost 2 years after I had my first dd. I had no choice because were building our house.... ok, we did have a choice, but still. I listened to my husband! (lol) I would never, ever go through that again... not even for 1 or 2 weeks. When we visit, we stay in a hotel.

BUT you did live with her And she DID say YES. Imagine how you would have felt if she said no it would be inconvenient

 

[Mouse House Mama]

So what do you think of a parent that cuts off their child?

Personally I don't understand it all.

I have no respect for someone like that.

Of course this does not include destructive behaviors, such as molesters, abusers, drug addicts, etc....

How many family members have been "cut off" in your family?

Quite a few actually. My parents have no contact with their parents at all. It was not their choice persay but my grandparents (I should say grandmothers as my grandfathers are all deceased) are not very nice people. My maternal grandmother did have a very hard life so I will give her that. She didn't have it easy growing up and she lost 2 children that she took care of through horrific illness and also lost her husband in a very tragic way. She was not a warm person and was also very critical. We lived all together in a mother/daughter until she got so mean that it blew up. We have all parted ways since then. She will never know her great grandchildren. That is very sad because she is missing out on so much and doesn't live far from us. She was not horrible all the time and I have some really wonderful memories growing up with them. I just think that her life had so much heartache that she started to get really mean and shut people out. She was very cruel to my Mother and it boggles my mind to this day. My Mom did everything for her but it was never enough. My mother also has 2 other sisters that we do not speak to. They are just plain crazy. I could tell you stories that would make your head spin. My Mom is a wonderful person with a great heart who would do anything for anyone. She never had it easy but since she cut these people out of her life she is doing better than she ever did. I do feel bad for her because I know how hurt she is over the situation even if she pretends not to be. My grandmother also cut off her whole family when we were kids for reasons I am not too clear on. I just think everyone was too opinionated and stubborn. My Dad's parents were just not interested in talking to us. They also were not warm people. They lead a different lifestyle than us and they did not like my Mom. They also used to favor their other grandkids and we never said anything about it. We did have some contact after my grandfather died and my grandmother did tell my Dad that he did a good job raising me and my sister as we turned out great. That was really nice of her but a day late and a dollar short. She did all of a sudden stop talking to us again. No fight- she just cut us off. She prefers to stick with my Dad's sisters. Her choice and I wish her the best. So I have quite a bit of experience with the whole not talking thing. Some relationships are better abandoned but I feel like you have to give it your all before you do that. I should mention that I have no problem cutting people off with the exception of my kids. Wild horses couldn't keep me away from them even if I had to camp out on their front lawn! I couldn't even begin to imagine not having them in my life.
I'll start....

My SIL & BIL have cut off my nephew, basically threw him out of the house because he is gay, at 16. He is now 21 and living in NYC making it on his own. They tried to cut all of us out because we talk to him...but too bad...they got over it.

Good for you. I am sorry but that is just horrible of them.
They also have cut off other family and friends.

They still do not talk to their son and we do not respect them. We are polite in their presence but that is all.

My EX-SIL comes from the "cutting off people" to the max....oh she was hoot to have as a SIL.

My grandma cut off her son, because he married a women who dared to talk back to her. Also she was from Spain and that did not help. He was married in the service over in Spain back in 1964.
My grandma was a very controlling woman & cruel, my mom kept her mouth shut, but never liked her.
She died never seeing her grandchildren or her son.

 

[disykat]

BUT you did live with her And she DID say YES. Imagine how you would have felt if she said no it would be inconvenient

That is was her house and she was perfectly within her rights to say no? That she was very wise to realize that not all families are able to share homes for long periods of time? It sounds like in hindsight this poster would be thinking "I wish she had said no."

 

[bumbershoot]

I totally agree that my mother could have been managed better over the phone. My first thought was that writing to her puts it down on paper (so to speak) irrevocably, that she can go back and look at it and say, hey, she didn't actually call us all those things I accused her of. It's black and white, emotion removed.

Again, the post about her watching the dogs instead of going to disney with us was just plain wrong. What I had said to her was (and this is why talking to her is sometimes very difficult) if we have NON SIMULTANEOUS disney trips, then we can swap off dog watching duties instead of paying 40 bucks a day for kennels since we'll live an hour away from each other. Not, for the love of god, "you don't get to go to Disney with us any more."

Although my mom was great and terrific and had to practically be forced to stay at my brother's place (family is ALWAYS welcome there for as long a stay as desired, though actually his wife's parents have pushed it a few times), my MIL would NEVER be invited to stay with us. And she twists words. I only WISH I could email her for a record of what has been stated. But she won't use a computer and has refused to learn English well enough to write me, and doesn't seem to believe me that we could do something with Korean language software, etc etc.

But the twisting, and the fake quotations, putting words into your mouth, it all sounds familiar.

I don't understand this.
In a lot of ways the OP's mum sounds like my MIL. When my MIL tells my DH "your father thinks this" or "your father said this" she's usually making it up. And when she cuts her kids off she tells FIL not to talk to them either or she'll make his life a living hell.

My MIL does this too. Well, FIL died in November so she doesn't do it with him anymore, but the way stories twist between the siblings amazes me. Her older son does it too. DH continues to confide in them, and after 7 years of my being in their lives he's FINALLY starting to see that they twist everything that is said, so it's best to say as little as possible.



I had a friend who slowly cut people out of her life. I watched her do it to friend after friend. And yes, I was surprised when she did it to me (and I still to this day do not know why...I had a theory that it was about a guy friend of ours I started dating, but later found out she had renounced men after years of talking about it, and some other friends of ours said it was because I couldn't handle it that she was gay, but since I didn't KNOW she was gay at that time that was impossible (and since a big contention between us was that we always liked the same guys, her being gay would have been MORE than fine with me just on the positive effect it would have on my dating life, LOL)...so I'm left with not really knowing why), and dreadfully hurt. She wasn't even that NICE to me in the years we knew each other, so I'm still at a loss as to why it hurt so much... But just life everything else, you just go day to day.



I don't think you need to worry about how your kids will treat you when they are older, if you don't let a parent move in with you. Kids have the ability to see and think, and as they grow into adults, they will surely be able to talk with you about past events. When I was a kid, my aunt and cousin moved in with us for "a few weeks", and it was well over a summer (perhaps even a year, I've blocked the time from my mind). We lived in a TINY house, they were on the hide-a-bed in the living room and just took up SO much space. My mom was happy to help her sister, but as the months dragged on, she kind of wanted to hurt her... And we were taking our bikes and riding to the bokstore where my mom worked, every day of the summer, b/c our aunt and cousin were making us crazy...

DH's dad had his mother live with them for awhile, and a friend's grandmother lived with their family too. Far from making them see that that's what you do, it made them bound and determined to NEVER do that to their family. I know that I would want a nice retirement/nursing home over living with family, no matter how much I love my family. Dh feels the same after being a child in a multi-generational in-home family. If he were living in Korea where it's normal and expected, he would be better with the huge family in one home...but in America there's just no mental preparation, no mental separation when the physical separation isn't there, no coping skills, unless you grow up for generations and generations with that sort of skill-set.



I'm really sorry this has happened. I can see where your first reply was a bit blunt, but I don't think she had any call to respond in that way. MIL does that too (and I'm working DH out of his learned behaviour), the "if I can't have a little bit of my way then I'm taking my ball and going home" thing.


But I did see a response that I wonder about. Could they actually be more broke than you think, and therefore the apartment was NOT possible? And their shame over the money might be causing the over-reaction? In that case, this living situation would be more of a need vs a want. The over-reaction could definitely be explained by something like that.

Then again, if she has cut people out of her life in the past, it might just be her personality. Good luck to all of you!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I think you are very wise.

Folks, she is not dealing with "normal." I don't think most people here know what it is like to have a dysfunctional parent or family or they have never experienced it. I lived with my own dysfunctional family for 19 years until I could move away for college. I even saved up my own money and won scholarships to get the (bleep) out of there. lol

I also lived with my MIL for almost 2 years after I had my first dd. I had no choice because were building our house.... ok, we did have a choice, but still. I listened to my husband! (lol) I would never, ever go through that again... not even for 1 or 2 weeks. When we visit, we stay in a hotel.

OP, I hope you find peace.

What is "normal" anyway? Every family has something. Don't kid yourself.

 

[PrincessKitty1]

What is "normal" anyway? Every family has something. Don't kid yourself.

I would not ever even attempt to compare a family with physical and/or sexual abuse or alcoholism with a family with "normal" problems. Don't kid yourself--there are functional families out there, dysfunctional families, and dysfunctional/whacko families. Yes, every family has something, but we are talking about HUGE variables here.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I would not ever even attempt to compare a family with physical and/or sexual abuse or alcoholism with a family with "normal" problems. Don't kid yourself--there are functional families out there, dysfunctional families, and dysfunctional/whacko families. Yes, every family has something, but we are talking about HUGE variables here.

I get what you are saying but the OP's family doesn't seem to be on that path.

 

[disykat]

\


DH's dad had his mother live with them for awhile, and a friend's grandmother lived with their family too. Far from making them see that that's what you do, it made them bound and determined to NEVER do that to their family. I know that I would want a nice retirement/nursing home over living with family, no matter how much I love my family. Dh feels the same after being a child in a multi-generational in-home family.

Same here. My parents have made us promise we will NOT take them in to our home. Mom grew up with her grandma in a hospital bed in their dining room (converted to her room because it was downstairs). I feel the same way and plan to live in a nursing home if needed.

I see nothing ironic (referring to another previous post) about wanting to help your family, but not wanting them living in your home. Frequent visits, driving to doctor's appointments, helping them clean, do yardwork and otherwise maintain their home, etc. are all wonderful ways of helping your family.

 

[Disney Doll]

Based on the fact that the OP's parents have "cut off" several family members, I would say it seems to be the way they handle things. The common denominator in these scenarios is is the OP's parents. Three different relatives are "cut off" from these folks. Could three different people in the same family (and actually, we're adding a fourth now) have been SO terrible that they deserve to be "cut off"? I find that hard to believe.

So, what we have are a set of manipulative parents...or at least a manipulative mother who will make her husband's life hell if he doesn't agree with her. I am guessing, but I would imagine that this drama queen bit has been used in the past, for a less "touchy" subject so the OP probably sucked it up and dealt with it. But now she's looking at an extended period...come on people, we all know it's going to be more than 2 weeks to renovate a home...and good or bad, right or wrong, the OP knows her lifestyle, her husband's strengths and weaknesses. If it's not something he's on board with, then it will be 2 weeks or more of misery for all involved. Whether it was early in this process or late in this process, eventually the OP was going to do something Mama didn't like and get "cut off". Mama's done it 3 other times...you think after she and Dad had been living with the OP in month 3 of the "2 week" stay that someone wasn't going to "blow" and Mama was going to use that as the reason to cut the OP off? I can't fault the OP for having reservations about the proposal and voicing them.

As far as what to do OP??? I have no idea. I think you need to decide what it is you want out of the relationship with your mother. How much do you want to deal with? How will you feel if something happens to her and this issue hasn't been resolved? I agree with not feeding the dragon by yourself, but perhaps some counselling to figure out your relationship with your mother...the one you had, the one you have and the one you want...would be in order.

I doubt anything less than a grovelling full on apology will assuage her, and then you'll still have to deal with whether or not she can live with you.

I always say that your family will screw you worst of all, because they know exactly how to. I have always hated parents who made their kids feel like they "owed" them something. Did you have a child because you wanted one, or did you have a child so you'd have a little indentured slave who you could guilt into doing things because of "all you'd done for them"????????

Good luck.

 

[Missy Mouse]

Hey Wishing.... Move over and let me get on that pedestal with you!!!

I agree everything you just said

Make room for me!!

 

[antmaril]

Oh, yeah, one more tantalizing tidbit. They haven't spoken to my brother for five years, they didn't speak to my grandparents (her mom and dad) for the last ten years, and she won't speak to her brother. All for different reasons and beginning at different times.

I was going to suggest you suck it up and take the high road until I read that your parents haven't spoken to your brother in five years and didn't speak to your grandparents for ten years, not to mention not speaking to your uncle. I think this speaks volumes.

I hope they do read these posts. It might help them to take a long hard look at themselves.

 

[Heidict]

It cracks me up and amazes me at the same time how people don’t bother reading the posts or twist what they have read till it doesn’t even resemble the actual problem.

1-They miss the fact that your parents have a history of moving in “for a short time” and yet manage to stay a lot longer then planned.
2-They miss that you are telling them they can watch your dog when they aren’t going to WDW, and see only that you aren’t allowing them to go to WDW with you because you are going to use them as a free dog sitting service. (How did they manage to twist that one around?)
3- They miss the important fact that the needed repairs for their new home is going to take a lot longer then the “2 weeks” that your mother is stating. If you let them stay for 2 weeks, and they aren’t able to move into the new place then, just how do people suggest you ask them to leave? I have a feeling that it could become a major guilt war if you attempted to do this with your mother.
4- They miss the fact that your mother can be a selfish person who is more then ready to permanently cut family members out of her life if she doesn’t get her way. A TRUE LOVING PARENT AND GRANDPARENT DOES NOT EVER DO THIS!!!!

First and foremost. Your priority is to your DH and children. Yes, you love your parents and would do what you could to help them. This is evidenced by the fact that you wanted them to move down to be near you so that you can help them, more then likely when they become older and need assistance. After all, you are the only ones left to help them. They have managed to run everyone else off. However, this doesn’t mean that you have to be a doormat or say yes to things that you aren’t able to do.

Your mother is a manipulative person who will use the threat of cutting you off to get what she wants from people. I’m sure that you love your mother very much and would do what ever you can for her. She needs to grow up and understand that you are unable to do this for her. It would jeopardize your relationship not only with your DH but also with them (I understand, as I could never live with my parent again for an extended period of time, let alone a couple of weeks). To bend to her will would put your marriage at risk. As a parent, she should not want that for her daughter.

I hope that you mother doesn’t cut you off over this. However, if it happens, you need to realize that she is doing this to herself. You have done nothing to cause it, aside from standing up for you and your family. It’s horrible to realize that your grandchildren may not have the opportunity to get to know and love their grandparents. They need to know that they did nothing wrong. Hopefully, after a bit of time has passed and her temper is cooled down you will be able to talk to her and let her know that you are sorry that you hurt her feeling and that you and her grandkids love them very much and want to see them and spend time with them. Maybe she will realize how much she misses you and will start speaking to you and your family again.

 

[famofsix]

It cracks me up and amazes me at the same time how people don’t bother reading the posts or twist what they have read till it doesn’t even resemble the actual problem.

1-They miss the fact that your parents have a history of moving in “for a short time” and yet manage to stay a lot longer then planned.
2-They miss that you are telling them they can watch your dog when they aren’t going to WDW, and see only that you aren’t allowing them to go to WDW with you because you are going to use them as a free dog sitting service. (How did they manage to twist that one around?)
3- They miss the important fact that the needed repairs for their new home is going to take a lot longer then the “2 weeks” that your mother is stating. If you let them stay for 2 weeks, and they aren’t able to move into the new place then, just how do people suggest you ask them to leave? I have a feeling that it could become a major guilt war if you attempted to do this with your mother.
4- They miss the fact that your mother can be a selfish person who is more then ready to permanently cut family members out of her life if she doesn’t get her way. A TRUE LOVING PARENT AND GRANDPARENT DOES NOT EVER DO THIS!!!!

First and foremost. Your priority is to your DH and children. Yes, you love your parents and would do what you could to help them. This is evidenced by the fact that you wanted them to move down to be near you so that you can help them, more then likely when they become older and need assistance. After all, you are the only ones left to help them. They have managed to run everyone else off. However, this doesn’t mean that you have to be a doormat or say yes to things that you aren’t able to do.

Your mother is a manipulative person who will use the threat of cutting you off to get what she wants from people. I’m sure that you love your mother very much and would do what ever you can for her. She needs to grow up and understand that you are unable to do this for her. It would jeopardize your relationship not only with your DH but also with them (I understand, as I could never live with my parent again for an extended period of time, let alone a couple of weeks). To bend to her will would put your marriage at risk. As a parent, she should not want that for her daughter.

I hope that you mother doesn’t cut you off over this. However, if it happens, you need to realize that she is doing this to herself. You have done nothing to cause it, aside from standing up for you and your family. It’s horrible to realize that your grandchildren may not have the opportunity to get to know and love their grandparents. They need to know that they did nothing wrong. Hopefully, after a bit of time has passed and her temper is cooled down you will be able to talk to her and let her know that you are sorry that you hurt her feeling and that you and her grandkids love them very much and want to see them and spend time with them. Maybe she will realize how much she misses you and will start speaking to you and your family again.

I did not miss the facts and I agree that OP's mom is manipulative et al.

However, OP said she needed help because her mother won't speak to her. If she wants a relationship with her parents she is going to need to deal with them in an avenue other than email. It is still my opinion that OP needs to sit down and talk with the parents or at the very least have a "phone call" appointment. However, either way she choose she needs to make the first move even though her mother's list of wrongs is much bigger. WHy? Because she indicated she wants a relationship with them. It is time OP does this with her eyes wide open with grace and tact.

This way, years down the road her own children with realize that while Grandma and Grandpa were manipulative and controlling their parents made an effort to keep a relationship with them. Of course if this was an abusive relationship I would retract this advice.


I agree with OP in that she did not want to be taken advantage of or having her relationship with DH strained over this but I strongly disagree with her emails and the tone of them.

 

[2girlsmom]

Well, I read my way all the way through, and thought I would like to add my 2cents here.
Op-I definitely think that the first initial email was a bit short, and that ideally the remainder of the conversation should have taken place via phone or in person, as this seems to have made the situation worse, though I think your remaining emails were very straightforward and honest and loving. And honestly, it may not have made a difference. Several posters wondered if perhaps your folks are finding the move more expensive than planned and that might add to your mothers embarrassment over the situation. I would also wonder about this and if this might be the case, perhaps you will have reason to bite the bullet here. However, the fact that they purchased a "fixer upper" before makes me think that it is unlikely this situation. I would absolutely let my folks or inlaws stay with us if they NEEDED to. Having said that, I would not willingly or happily do so if there was another option, and it was just something they "preferred" as seems to be indicated here. I live 1/2 mile from my parents and see them nearly every day, but when we lived in different states, if we visited them or they visited us, a week was as long as we could live in the same house. We are VERY close, but it is extremely taxing to have 2 women share the same house, and I would agree that this is not the best option if it can be avoided!

I understand that you feel heartbroken about the seperation between you and your parents right now, and I do agree with other posters who have said that if you want to repair this, you will have to contact your mother, as I don't believe she is going to contact you (plus she at this point feels justified in being mad and has no real reason to change the situation). I think call her is best if you can get them to answer, if not send a letter, tell her that you feel terrible about the disagreement and miss them, that you are looking forward to having them close to you and want to have a positive close relationship. Let her know that you did not intend to embarrass or upset her, and you want her to know that you love her no matter what. Then it is in her court... Good luck to you!

 

[grlpwrd]

BUT you did live with her And she DID say YES. Imagine how you would have felt if she said no it would be inconvenient

Not exactly ... she actually invited us to stay, but it was the worse mistake of my life (well, it was actually my dh who decided for us). We could have continued to live in our studio apartment. Yet that wasn't my point.

My point was family can be hell to live with... have you lived with your MIL and FIL? Never again. lol

It actually worked out, though, because we are great friends now and we inherited property for a house we built on the family property and then we will inherit my MIL's property, too. That is definitely not normal. lol... We get along now and she comes with us on vacation, but not everyone and not every family is as fortunate to work things out and have peace and harmony.

What is "normal" anyway? Every family has something. Don't kid yourself.

Don't kid myself? I don't think healthy, normal families totally ex-communicate themselves from family members like how the OP's mom does. PrincessKitty1, you said it best:

I would not ever even attempt to compare a family with physical and/or sexual abuse or alcoholism with a family with "normal" problems. Don't kid yourself--there are functional families out there, dysfunctional families, and dysfunctional/whacko families. Yes, every family has something, but we are talking about HUGE variables here.

OP, I really hopes it works out for you all...

 

[Feeling Like Eeyore]

 

[DawnCt1]

Well, I called her today and got no answer, so I sent her an email and asked her if she was still planning on going to Disney with us in December for our family vacation, because we have to bank our points soon and I needed to know one way or another.

Got a response back, the answer was, no. Some excuses about the economy where they live, etc. When I signed my letter I said Love, (my name). I got back "Mom".

I can post the emails if you want but that's basically the gist of it. The other amusing thing, in a sick, sad way, was that she made it very obvious in her letter that they've started communicating with my brother again since they cut me off.

Well, the good thing about all this is that now I really feel like I have the closure that I needed, and I can take off the Eeyore suit and let them go. Because that's what has to happen.

The sad part is that every time I go into a Home Depot I think about being there with my dad and arguing over faucets, and that's a part of my life that's done now.

This is so sad. I am sorry that it turned out this way. As you know, your brother is the example, things can turn on a dime. It doesn't mean it's forever.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

 

[seven dwarfs]

I do not have any advise for you. I do want to say I am sorry. I have parents like yours, so it seems. They did not talk to mu sister for four years over something really dumb. They have manipulated me and my family for years. I have recently put a stop to it and I am not speaking to my father and tolerate my mother. I am very sad and very much wish I was close with my parents. But at the same time it is nice to finally stand up for me and if their choose is to not talk to me because of that then so be it. Good luck to you.

 

[Tuffcookie]

I hope you both can patch this up.

TC