much better, thanks all.

[N&B'smom]

WOW! I'm so sorry. There definitely seems to be some deep issues here. It sounds like there are some other things going on stemming from WAY back before they asked to stay at your house for a couple of weeks. Am I right? Has this been brewing for awhile?

Gosh, I'm just so sorry that your relationship with your parents is in the state that it is right now.

Shelby

 

[Missy Mouse]

Ouch. Those are some nasty back and forth emails. Even yours. While everyone does have to face reality at some point you cannot make your parents do it by forcing their mortality in their faces. Bringing up strokes and the fact that they may be rendered helpless to your life or death decisions someday was a low blow. I realize it may have been coming to them, but I just don't think your email helped anything at all. Good luck, OP. This thread can't go anywhere good so I'm going to unsubscribe from it.

 

[PrincessKitty1]

I am sorry. I think your original response to your parents was great. BUT, your parents are abusive, and THEY responded just as your pastor suspected they would.

Personally, I think you need to throw your hands up at this point. And realize that threatening to take care of them when they become old and ill is not going to help things!

In the first place, not everybody needs family to step in to help them when they become old, and in the second place it's essentially none of your business if your parents don't choose to prepare for retirement, old age, or illness. I would absolutely flip my gourd if any of my blood-related family tried to step in to "help" me in my old age--how DH and I prepare for our old age is ONLY the business of the people we are closest to (ourselves and a few very close friends who are much closer than blood family).

I also have to question why you would WANT your parents to move closer to you so you can "take care" of them. They are hateful to you. How would this affect your life and the life of your DH and children? They should not be subject to your parents hatefulness, nor subject to your anguish over the situation. They deserve your attention and care--your parents neither want it NOR deserve it.

If you feel you must take care of your parents in order to honor them, there are other ways to help with care from afar, like hiring a geriatric case manager if your parents become unable to care for themselves and important choices need to be made. You DO NOT need to be the caregiver yourself. And they have released you from any obligation by informing you that they do not desire your help.

Your parents clearly do not want to have a relationship with you and your family and you can't force it. I'm puzzled and saddened that you are still trying. Don't allow them to perpetuate their abuse of you. And don't be an example to your children of how people can be abused over and over again and come back for more.

Most of all, to you, and I am sorry you're going through all this.

 

[mytwotinks]

I haven't read all of this. Just the first part and the end. I really feel for you though. I know what it is like to want something that you will probably never get from your mom.

I honestly do not see it being a positive thing for them to move closer to you. I hope that with time and space you are able to have some peace in your life.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd cut my losses with this one OP, and realize that part of what your parents are saying is correct...you are not responsible for them. They can make their own decisions, good or bad. You do not have to support them, you do not have to like them, you do not have to pay the price for the bad decisions. About all you'll get to do someday is say "I told you so".

Tough family dynamic here. You'd serve yourself and your DH/children well to just let this one go.

 

[kimmikayb]

Oh, I'm sorry. This has to be hard.

 

[Annie68]

I sympathize .

We haven't spoken to my DH's father and stepmom for 2 years now. They cut us out of their lives because we dared to tell them no. It hurt for awhile, and we too tried to be the bigger people by extending the olive branch. Basically, unless we crawl back on our hands & knees apologizing for something we were right about, we will never have a relationship with them again. It took me until recently to stop feeling like we needed to fix things. They are the ones losing out on 2 terrific grandchildren. I will never understand, unless something absolutely unforgivable happens, how parents can stop caring about their children.

 

[Amelia Peabody]

So glad to hear you sought counsel from a therapist and your pastor. Smart girl! This could have caused some serious damage to you. Sounds like your mom was damaged long ago. What a shame - she has missed out on so much happiness and doesn't really have a clue why. Bide your time and when they need assistance, you will be there to help as you have stated. Won't they be surprised! I admire you for wanting to care for them in spite of the emotional abuse you have received.

 

[barkley]

op-not to stir the pot, and i'm sorry for you situation but-

you need to be aware that unless your parents have advance medical directives or a durable medical power of attny. naming and permitting you to have any involvement with their care in the event of a stroke or other debilitating medical issue, short of you securing a court order that deems them incompetant (very difficult to do-and even if successful they can request a court appointed guardian vs. you) it won't be a matter of choosing weather you want to help them out or not. as far as the law is concerned you have no right what so ever to make any financial or medical descisions for them when the time comes-and they do indeed have a choice. they can even go so far as to not name anyone and specificaly name that you be denied any opportunity.

 

[Todd&Copper]

So sorry for your situation, OP, but I never would have a "difference of opinion" like that over email. All of the emails - both your and your mom's - sound really harsh, even going all the way back to the ones at the beginning of this thread.

Guess you just have to more or less write them off for now. Maybe they will come around, maybe not.

 

[Jennasis]

Ouch. Sounds like it's time for both parties to wash their hands of the situation.

Sorry your going through this.

 

[cabanafrau]

I'm curious & have to ask, with all the time that's now elapsed on this situation & what has & hasn't taken place since, do you wish you had handled the initial situation differently at all?

 

[Feeling Like Eeyore]

 

[FutureMrsC]

Hugs...

 

[Feeling Like Eeyore]

. It sounds like there are some other things going on stemming from WAY back before they asked to stay at your house for a couple of weeks. Am I right? Has this been brewing for awhile?

No, actually it was the first time I ever said "No" to my parents. They didn't take it well...

 

[Feeling Like Eeyore]

 

[kimmar067]

Wow, this has turned ugly. I'm so sorry for you. I have had issues with my siblings and I no longer speak to them. When "family" treats you like garbage, I no longer consider them family. I have friends who would do anything for me if I needed help. I am thankful for them. But not my family. My suggestion, just cut your losses and move on.

...as hard as it is to hear, I agree - cut your losses....BTW ~ I'm curious, how long DID it take to refurb their house??

 

[horseshowmom]

I'm just curious about something. Have they ever even attempted to name any of the numerous "things" that they have supposedly bent over backwards to help you with?

Let me say, that I do understand your situation. I personally know some individuals who seem to have no contact with reality. Everybody else is wrong, and they are horribly mistreated. However, I know how the situation has played out over the years, and I know the real story. But, I can guarantee that they could weave a really good story for somebody who hadn't watched the situation for years (and have done just that on more than one occasion).

Best wishes and good luck!

 

[3jsmommy]

Ouch. Those are some nasty back and forth emails. Even yours. While everyone does have to face reality at some point you cannot make your parents do it by forcing their mortality in their faces. Bringing up strokes and the fact that they may be rendered helpless to your life or death decisions someday was a low blow. I realize it may have been coming to them, but I just don't think your email helped anything at all. Good luck, OP. This thread can't go anywhere good so I'm going to unsubscribe from it.

I agree w/ this.
I think your email was OK, until you threw their mortality in their faces.
I don't see how that was going to help mend anything. I am all for counseling & being completely honest, but were you being totally honest when you say you only wanted to help them when (not if...in your words) they suffer some horrible illness? Maybe it WOULD be nice to have the grandparents around to babysit/dog sit & fix things. I do not think that you should play counselor w/ your Mom & can change who she is at her age. Setting boundaries is a great thing. Giving them the I am the only person who will take care of you & the grim reaper is calling your name speech was probably not the best approach.

 

[kimmar067]

...I have sort of a 'confession' to make....growing up, my DSis and MY mom always got along so much better than my mom and ME, and I guess, deep-down, I was always jealous of that. I am the eldest of 4 siblings - I suppose, because of my parents' 'situation' and crumbling relationship, the bulk of responsibility was put on MY lap. At age 10, I was a regular 'Suzie Homemaker'....I had to prepare dinner, help with the laundry, and make sure the rooms were vacuumed....as I got older, I was given more chores, including caring for my younger brothers and sister. It got to a point, however, that no matter what I did, it was 'good enough' or 'right'....if I cooked spaghetti, my mom wanted to know why I didn't make roast beef, if I did a load of white wash, how come the dark wash wasn't clean, if I vacuumed the 1st floor rooms, how come the beds weren't made, and so on....it was very strained, to say the least, and culminated in an ugly divorce when I was about 15....my mom is now retired and living in Puerto Rico; she comes to visit during the holidays and sometimes at the beginning of summer and stays for a few weeks at each of our homes. However, ironically enough, I REALLY enjoy her stays at my house and the door is always open for her to stay as long as she wants, yet, my sister and her DH are ON EDGE when my mom stays there more than a week....go figure...

I guess what I am trying to say is - sometimes things work out for the better - sometimes they don't....YOU must choose your own path and what works for YOUR family....