much better, thanks all.

[mumom95]

In my opinion, once you get married your main responsibility is to your spouse and kids if you have any.

You made if clear to your mother that them moving in with you (it wasn't like a visit, they would be moving in until work on a home was done) would be a serious strain on your relationship with your husband. And I think you did it nicely, it wasn't them moving in, it would have been anyone moving in.

I can't believe she had the nerve to press it after that. Her not wanting to move into an apartment is more important than your marriage? That is what it seems to me like she is saying. Getting upset because you want to do the best thing for your marriage is ridiculous.

 

[PrincessKitty1]

Hey Wishing.... Move over and let me get on that pedestal with you!!!

I agree everything you just said

Another "me too" here--Wishing on a Star has made MANY excellent points.

 

[kribit]

That's the bottom line here. What kind of a parent cuts off communication from a child or grandchild unless there is a SERIOUS toxic situation going on that requires it?

I have to agree with Wishing and CHBaby on this one as well. If the mother is mad at her adult daughter, fine....but taking it out on a grandchild is just wrong. Where are her priorities?

 

[Snow_White]

I have to admit, I haven't read all of the replies, but my first instinct is that I would never say 'no' to my mom if she asked something like that (be it for 2 weeks or 2 months or however long it took). Sorry but it's true. I know my parents would let my family stay at their house for as long as we needed to and I would always give them the same courtesy not because I "owe" them for raising me, but because I love them. If I were you, I would apologize and try to move on. Family is just too important to me.

 

[disykat]

I'm guessing some of these people who say they'd let family live with them whenever, whyever (not due to unfortunate circumstances) and for however long they want have large houses or at least guest rooms?

A visit, sure. An emergency, sure. For a lengthy remodeling project? No way. Me or my kids sleeping on the floor for an undetermined amount of time because "they prefer not to be in an apartment" just isn't going to happen.

 

[moon]

I think the point here is that they are ways of saying things. IMO, the OP first message to them was really cold, rude even. I can't imagine anyone not feeling hurt and rejected after receiving such an email.

I hope you all can get pass this, OP

 

[Nynaeve]

I'm guessing some of these people who say they'd let family live with them whenever, whyever (not due to unfortunate circumstances) and for however long they want have large houses or at least guest rooms?

A visit, sure. An emergency, sure. For a lengthy remodeling project? No way. Me or my kids sleeping on the floor for an undetermined amount of time because "they prefer not to be in an apartment" just isn't going to happen.

In my opinion, once you get married your main responsibility is to your spouse and kids if you have any.

You made if clear to your mother that them moving in with you (it wasn't like a visit, they would be moving in until work on a home was done) would be a serious strain on your relationship with your husband. And I think you did it nicely, it wasn't them moving in, it would have been anyone moving in.

I can't believe she had the nerve to press it after that. Her not wanting to move into an apartment is more important than your marriage? That is what it seems to me like she is saying. Getting upset because you want to do the best thing for your marriage is ridiculous.

I agree. My main priority is my hubby and daughter. If this had happened to me, it would be super hard on me. My hubby loves my mom and brothers and sisters (and I love all my in-laws) . A visit, great! Emergency, ok. But, would he want them living with us for 2 weeks, knowing that it would in reality be much longer? Nope, no way. He likes his space, room to do his own thing. When people visit us, they stay in a hotel on the Strip, and we are able to come home, to have some down time after running all day. If family did stay with us (even HIS!!) it would be a terrible strain on us both. He would be crabby because he needed his alone time to relax and not have to worry that guests were happy, and I would be stressed trying to keep both sides happy, not getting any real rest for being so busy taking care of everyone either. It would just be too much for both of us. THis is all a guess though, it's never come up with us. But, just visits can tire us out!!

He would not expect either of family to do this for us either though, except in an extreme, extreme emergency. Does that make him a 'illigetimate child'. IMO, nope. We both are smart enough to realize what we can handle. My marriage is the most important thing, and the discomfort of my parents having to stay in an apartment is not enough to make me strain it.

 

[mommyto3]

I HAVE told my Mom she could not stay with us.

I do not know what the dynamics of your family is but mine can be .

My parents got a divorce when I was young and my mother pretty much abandoned us...was not a part of my life unless it was convenient for her. As an adult I tried REALLY, REALLY hard to have a good mother/daughter relationship and it worked until I had my 2nd child and then got even worse when I had my 3rd. She is NOT "motherly" nor "grandmotherly". She pulled away from me more and more. (And it was NOT because I asked her to babysit or any other favors. My 2nd is 12yrs old, 3rd is 9yrs old, and they have NEVER spent the night with her and until a couple of years ago, she lived 10 minutes from my house. It breaks my heart but my children have NO relationship with her.)

Anyway, a few years ago she stayed with us for 1 week.....NEVER EVER again!!!!!!!!!!!! I felt like I was living in the twilight zone. She acted like a 2 year old..throwing tantrums, crying, screaming at me....I could go on and on. It was soooooo stressful, and my husband said NEVER again.

Believe me when I say I would LOVE to have a close relationship with my Mom. I am sooo jealous of people who do. BUT.....I have my own family now and I have to do what is best for THEM. And if that means saying "no" to my Mom, then I will say "no". Like I said, I do not know the history of your relationship, but I do not feel it is wrong to do what is best for you and your husband. I hope this works out for you .

 

[Keli]

I haven't read all the replies or updates (if there are any)...
I would not have told my mom no. I would have let her know (in a very nice way, not a brutally honest way) that dh wouldn't last longer than two weeks with guests though.
Personally I do think you were kinda rude to your mom and you hurt her feelings. But she shouldn't cut you out for that. I don't understand parents cutting off their children, I can't imagine not speaking to my dd for an extended length of time no matter how mad I was.

 

[JennaTX]

OP, I feel for you. I have a Mother who sounds very much like yours. You want to have a great relationship, but sometimes it is hard.


One thing I don't understand from posters (and maybe this is because I have young children) is how people say that your parents gave you this so you "owe" them.


I never want my children to feel that they "owe" me. I have given them what I have out of love, not with a scoreboard. I want them to grow up, find a spouse, have children, and become their own family.


If there is a medical or financial issue, then yes I think you should help out your parents.

OP I hope that things work out, not just for you but for your children.

 

[kribit]

I never want my children to feel that they "owe" me. I have given them what I have out of love, not with a scoreboard. I want them to grow up, find a spouse, have children, and become their own family.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I certainly understand why she's hurt. Do you have children? If not, you can't possibly know how much parents put out for their children while they're raising them. To be shot down after the first suggestion that they help you out in a time of need is very hurtful.

Being honest is one thing, but the way you went about it was wrong, imo.
Others may feel differently than I do, I haven't read any responses, but I think you're in the wrong. I don't really have any advice for you except to give your mom some time and then contact her telling her how much you miss them and want to see them (if this is, indeed, true).

 

[Liberty Belle]

Hmmmm, I don't know. I can't imagine telling my parents they couldn't stay with us for 2 weeks...but of course since my parents are dead I'd never find myself in that scenario. However, I grew up with the mindset that your parents take care of you when you are young and when they are old and need you, its understood you reciprocate.

That said, your mother really has laid a bit of a guilt trip on you, and for that I'm sorry. You were really honest with her, I give you credit for that. It was probably just hard for her to hear. Maybe just give it a little time and then call her rather than email. She probably is just hurt right now and needs a bit of time to nurture her wounds.

Hope you both feel better soon and are able to mend fences.

I agree her mother layed a guilt trip on her and that was wrong, but that came from the hurt her mom was feeling after the OP's initial response. Who knows, maybe she would have done it, anyway. I don't know her mom.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I don't think I can apologize for being honest, though. What exactly should I apologize for? For making her mad? Doesn't that encourage her to get mad at me more?

Oh, yeah, one more tantalizing tidbit. They haven't spoken to my brother for five years, they didn't speak to my grandparents (her mom and dad) for the last ten years, and she won't speak to her brother. All for different reasons and beginning at different times.

I made a new screen name because they know what the old screen name is. Using a new one they'd actually have to search through all the threads rather than ones posted by me, and I felt it made it less likely that they'd stumble across this. If they do read it, of course they'll know it's them. And I will get yelled at more...

They sound like very emotional, sensitive people. But you know that, so you should have been a bit more tactful in your initial response, imo. You could apologize for making it sound like you don't enjoy their company (because whether you think you did or not, it's her reality that you didn't).

No, apologizing does not encourage her getting angry.

 

[Liberty Belle]

What to apologize for when you don't feel you did anything wrong? What I wouldn't do is the "non apology" - the "I'm sorry you're mad" thing.

Apologize for hurting her feelings. "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. That wasn't my intention. I love you and I was trying to express concern that the house would take longer than two weeks to be liveable and that would put stress on all of us. I honestly thought you would be more comfortable in an apartment for that time. I was looking so forward to having you close by and didn't want our time together to get off to a rocky footing. I do not in any way consider you a nuisance or a burden. I apologize for my inability to communicate this to you."

Yes, definitely don't say "I'm sorry you're mad."

 

[Liberty Belle]

I'm sorry, but that would be lying to them, and I believe that is wrong.

I also do not understand the culture of 'they raised you, you owe them no matter what it may cost you." I love my children, I'm raising them because I love them and want them to go out in the world and make it a better place and be happy. Whatever spot they have in it for me I am happy to accept.

But you could have inserted things that were true to your life. Your response to me seemed very abrupt and not even willing to consider helping them out.

I raise children because I want to, too. I'm friends with people because I want to be and I spend time with my family because I want to. I would also hope they would help me out in times of need, as I would them.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I'm guessing some of these people who say they'd let family live with them whenever, whyever (not due to unfortunate circumstances) and for however long they want have large houses or at least guest rooms?

A visit, sure. An emergency, sure. For a lengthy remodeling project? No way. Me or my kids sleeping on the floor for an undetermined amount of time because "they prefer not to be in an apartment" just isn't going to happen.

We don't have a guest room, but we do have air mattresses and my parents have happily slept on them before (they would not accept our offers of our beds).

 

[Camicar]

OP -- Your mother sounds an awful lot like my paternal grandmother. She regularly pulled the "I won't talk to you any more card" *

I can only tell you that if the issue were not this particular moving in problem, it would be something else, so don't worry too much over whether or not you did the right thing in this instance. You can't do the right thing with manipulative people, unless you constantly bend over and let them stick you wherever they want.

*That is, she pulled that card until I taught her a hard lesson about the consequences of actions. When I refused to invite her to my wedding after 6 years of silence on her part because she got mad at my mother -- whom she always hated -- about her supposed disrespect in a totally innocuous phone call, then she stopped trying that crap. Hard lesson for her, yes. It was a hard lesson for me, too, when my grandparents -- who had formerly doted on me -- completely cut me out of their lives and missed every birthday, high school and college graduation, etc. As my father said to his mother when she complained that I was hardhearted about not believing her apology for her behavior (which came only after a friend of hers saw my engagement announcement in the paper and taunted her about missing her own gd's wedding), "Well, if she's hardhearted, one of the reasons for that is the way you treated her."

 

[Feeling Like Eeyore]

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OP, another technique I use is creative visualization.

If you are trying to let go of something, like you are excessively thinking about it using this technique helps. It is a tool that moves you forward.

I know it is also a technique for success as well, esp. sports. It also works for reducing stress and anxiety for anyone.

For example, when I have something negative stuck in my mind, that I cannot change, I have to accept the reality, I use "stuck in the mud".

I see myself stuck in the mud as I continue to obsess. I trade my thoughts for that. Then I visualize getting out of the mud.

The goal is to end the obsessive thought of something that stresses you out, have no control over, etc...

You can also include exercise, meditation, yoga, etc....to help as well.

You need to relax and free your mind. Once you do that you will "see" what your next steps are.

Other visualizations are blowing up a balloon and letting it go, stuff like that.
Maybe use something personal to you.