much better, thanks all.

[shortbun]

1. No one in my family would ever ask to open ended live with me, even if they thought it would take only two weeks
2. You did the right thing stopping that process instead of having to evict them later when their projects got too long. Your husband should not have to have his in-laws in his home if it cause friction between the two of you. If you lived alone, maybe you could have endured it.
3. Your mother expects you to have no boundaries. She's obviously been feeling for a while that you have trespassed over hers. Too bad she's not as honest as you are.
4.Good luck. Seems your mother gets angry and cuts off lots of people. I could never do that and can not understand people who can. I tend to lower contact for a while or make it very casual until I've decided how to handle things. Write her one more time and tell her the boundaries she has set up seem fine to you. You can go back to being a normal family after all this blows over. She's obviously convinced your father that you are at fault. Seems like your Dad and you had sympatico. How come he's swayed so easily? too bad.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It's looking like this may very well be a permanent cutoff, and any advice anyone has on how to handle parents cutting you off would be really helpful.

Since your parents already cut people out of their lives I would say that it was going to happen sooner or later.

I know people HATE Dr. Laura, but this situation falls under something she says, pretty on point.

You see how your parents treat others, cutting them off (brother, grandparents, etc..). Now THAT was OK that they did it because it was not you.
All of a sudden when it is YOU, you are surprised!

Open your eyes and see your parents for who they really are. Take off the rose colored glasses and go on with life.

If your parents decide to get back with you then good. Until then, just move forward.

 

[DawnCt1]

Your mom's feelings were hurt. I'm sure she just needs time to get past it.

On a personal note, I couldn't image telling my parents that they couldn't stay at our house for two weeks. My mom and I would drive each other crazy, but making sacrifices is part of being a family.

I hope everything is resolved soon .

I agree. My mom lived with us for several extended periods during her treatment for breast cancer, and when it was time for hospice. She ultimately passed away in our home. She said to us a couple of times, "put me in a nursing home, I am too much work". DH and I wouldn't even consider it. It was a privilege to take care of such a wonderful, caring woman who took care of all of us when we needed her. I wish she was here so we could do it all again.

 

[Quisty]

Wow. Your mom is really petty.

And can she hold a grudge! Yikes!

 

[Feeling Like Eeyore]

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My big question is, for those of you who did get cut out of people's lives, how did you learn to adjust and what made it easier to move on?

It is called..."Don't feed the dragon".

You stop talking about it and move on.
Secret is not to talk about it with ANYONE, nobody, not even here.

When you constantly talk, think, etc... about an unhealthy situation you are feeding into "the dragon".
The dragon grows.

Once you starve the dragon, things will fall into perspective better. You must allow yourself time on both sides to sort it out.

It is not easy by no means. But sometimes you have to step back and take a look around. You will see things in a new way.

 

[ilovejack02]

You guys are great, lots of different perspectives, lots to think about.

I thought my dad and I were sympatico, too. That's been the hardest part. Although like my husband says, he has to live with her every day, who wants to make her mad (because you see what happens).

For me there's a huge difference when somebody in your family is sick and needs care, it's a totally different question. Like, Universal and Magic Kingdom. Not even the same ballpark.

I've had lots of support from my family here about staying calm and being honest, which helps.

My big question is, for those of you who did get cut out of people's lives, how did you learn to adjust and what made it easier to move on?

We had a trip to Disney planned with them this December. I'm just so disappointed that she thinks that she has to keep this fight going.

Your DH is kinda right about having to live with mom, but I tell you what If i tried to cut one of my kids out of our lives... there would be HELL to pay with my husband.
I am totally on your side about mom and dad staying with you if you think they really wont be able to stick with two week time frame.

As Mushy said... how can you be surprised at either of them, they have done this before and will prob do it with other family members and friends in the future, this is a woman you cant face her emotions like an adult and learn to deal with a little conflict. And your father... well he lets her get away with this or heck even encourages it, either way its not good.

If you really want too call Dad from a different # he doesnt recognize.

I just dont understand adults cutting family members out of their lives for PETTY crap. You and DH may have children one day and if you and your parents make up now but then they pull this crap when they have grandkids, i would hope that you wouldnt let them back in your lives. They have a track record of acting immature and I wouldnt let them hurt my kids but once. I say try and make up but let them know that you dont expect them to do this again EVER!

 

[Patty3]

I am curious as to who suggested that your parents move close to you? Your Mother is hurt and she probably feels why am I even moving close to them, if this was your idea. I can see both sides. My Mother and I were estranged for 5 years and believe me when I tell you that it was one of the hardest times in my life. I will not go into the reasons why we were estranged, but I did try during this time to put the relationship back together. We are now close again and my Mother is in the beginning stages of Alzheimers. I used to wonder when we were estranged what if something happens to her? I would have been devasted. If I were you, I would go see them personally and try to put an end to this if you want them to be a part of your lives. Life is to short for some of us and you never know what can happen. I am not trying to put a guilt trip on you. You need to do what is in your heart.

 

[Wishing on a star]

1. I agree with everyone here who has noticed the attitudes and problems on your mothers part. It sounds like she has a problem when anyone has to set any kind of boundaries with her. And, I have to give her kudos.... What masterful use of the the 'mothers guilt trip'!!!!! Oyyyyyy!!!!!

I am sooooo sorry that a free place to stay for a few weeks, or months, or months and months and months, was more important to your mother than her love and respect for you as her daughter.

2. Your parents are obviously getting up in age, and are contemplating buying a home that does not even meet basic livability. What they are doing is making a very very bad decision, and they were looking to you to enable it. This is not an occasion where family drops by for a vacation visit, or perhaps there was some awful circumstance, such as fire or flood, that required them finding an immediate place to stay.

I agree with you OP... Your parents expectations that you, and you husband, just take them in on an open-ended basis was completely over the top. Not appropriate at all. A complete disregard of your life, your feelings, and you&DH's personal boundaries at this time.

I wish that I could give you the advice that you are looking for. Something to make this easier to accept. But, unfortunately, I am not sure that there is such a thing.

Remember, you can't FORCE anyone, including your own beloved parents, to have a relationship with you and to respect you. You just can't.

I think that you know this, and this is why you never called her personally and attempted to mend bridges. Inside, you realize that it would be an effort in futility.

Remember, what you are doing here is realizing a loss. And, a loss must be grieved. There are steps to this... Denial, Bargaining, Anger, etc.... And, in the end, Acceptance.

If they are refusing to answer calls from your number, then I would suggest that you send a nice note or card saying that you love them and you hope the lines of communication can remain open. (NOTHING MORE, and NOTHING LESS.... no explanations, apologies, etc...) And, then you know that you have done what you can. And, you are not responsible for how they choose to respond.

 

[Feeling Like Eeyore]

 

[Wishing on a star]

Mystery Machine, you're right, it's totally feeding the dragon. Never thought about it that way. Although I tend to be more the talk it to death to work it out sort of person rather than the lock it away in a box and forget about it sort. I realize there's a balance there somewhere. Always working for balance, I am. (said in yoda voice)

Well, if posting here is a thinly veiled effort, hoping that your mother will notice your posts, and keep the flames going... Then yes, that would be feeding the dragon.

But, otherwise, it does take time, and even some objective outside input (what better place than the DIS!), to sort thru things and to put them in perspective and to come to terms.

There is a middle ground between 'set it on the back burner to ignore it and hope it goes away', and 'feeding the dragon/fire'.

Hopefully you are on middle ground.

It sounds like you are just trying to come to terms with this so you can move forward.

I agree with the poster who mentioned your kids. If they have been close to your mother and father, and then she pulls this, I think you should think long and hard about just how close you want your family to be with them in the future. And, unfortunately, with your mother, there does not seem to be any middle ground. She either is fully involved with no boundaries, or she is out of the picture. So, even if she calls you tomorrow wanting to make amends, I think you have to be prepared to think about you will respond.

 

[diskids2]

Wow....First for this difficult situation.

Regardless of "right" or "wrong"...it sounds like you had a good relationship with your parents and are upset that this has changed...I second the idea of sending a card with a note and then after that....I would just move on.

 

[sandy6879]

Just

My mother pulls the exact same word twisting on me all the time - it's gotten to the point where we don't really speak anymore because of it. And, she will tell everyone that I'm the one being unfair or whatever she feels like. People who haven't been in the situation don't always understand it. I see other family dynamics that work so much better than my own, if I was in a family such as that, I wouldn't be able to understand it either.

I would just ignore it and move on - hopefully she doesn't stop talking to you over it.

 

[DisneyfeverTN]

Your mom's feelings were hurt. I'm sure she just needs time to get past it.

On a personal note, I couldn't image telling my parents that they couldn't stay at our house for two weeks. My mom and I would drive each other crazy, but making sacrifices is part of being a family.

I hope everything is resolved soon .

I agree. I guess every one's family is different. There is no way I would say no to any of my relatives. I would have no problem giving a time limit, but I wouldn't say no. They would all do the same for me. My parents have always been there for me and I will always be there for them.

OP, I wish you luck.

 

[darlak]

I'm going to try to give advice from a mother's viewpoint and from the viewpoint of a daughter. Although I'm not quite the same age as your mother, I do have an adult daughter who's 29.

From a mother's viewpoint, I would be hurt. My first thought is that I willingly and happily made too many sacrifices for all of children to be made to feel like I was an imposition. After that thought though, is the realization that I would be miserable without frequent contact with my adult DD. I would want to make up. However, if you called your father, after being specifically asked not to by your mother, if it were me, our problem would have just become MUCH bigger.

From a daughter's viewpoint, I understand your position. My mother and teenaged brother moved in with us for over 9 months. I remember the length of time because it was the duration of my second pregnancy. At the lime, it felt like even longer. I came to resent every piece of advice she offered.

What I realy want to tell you though, comes straight from my heart. My mother and I had a fight over something when I was in my 40's and she was in her 60's. We didn't speak for over 2 months. I was waiting for her to really understand my point of view. She died in that time period. No, it certainly wasn't my fault, but I have to carry the burden of that fight for the rest of my life. I would give anything if I could just go back in time and resolve it and make up with her. It's been years, but there is still not a week that goes by that I don't think about it.

Follow your heart.

 

[Pigeon]

I think a great deal of the nastiness stemmed from having this exchange via email. After she asked to stay with you for two weeks, you should have called her. Water over the bridge now, but you might want to think about it if you get in this situation again.

At this point, I'd leave her alone.

I had a falling out with my father several years ago. My mom died and he remarried. All of the sudden, he had no time for his kids at all because he was spending every minute with her kids. All the "kids" in this scenario were adults with children of their own.

I used to call to invite him and his wife over, only to have him cancel at the last minute to do stuff with one of her kids, or pull no-shows. It was too painful for me to see my kids get hurt and disappointed about Grandpa not coming over.

I just let him go. I see him maybe twice a year, even though we live close by. It's sad, but it's easier than being upset about it all the time. I guess I'd second the "stop feeding the dragon" advice.

 

[Lisa_M]

My mom is a guilt-tripper, so I know how that can be. I think the mistake in these emails is discussing this by email. This was an important topic that should have been discussed face to face or on the phone. She is hurt because she feels she is not welcome in your house (not what you meant, but anyway). I think you need to see her or talk to her on the phone and get this straightened out. Explain the things that you said in the email, but when you are speaking to each other, she will see that it's not just a my daughter doesn't want me around sort of thing. Perhaps you could offer to help her find alternate housing and maybe help with some of the home repairs.

I give you alot of credit for being honest with her in those emails, but if my parents wanted to stay with me for 2 weeks or longer, I would never say no. In fact, my grandmother is living at my parents house while recovering from a very serious hospital stay. So far, she has been there for 3 months. I know my dad doesn't particularly like that he and my mom had to give up their bedroom, but he deals with it out of respect and love for my mother and his MIL.

Don't just let this go, your mom won't forget it. Try to reconcile before it gets worse.

 

[lowie]

dang, the whole thing was pretty much a mess. the part where you screwed up was not explaining, nicely, in the first email why them staying with you woudn't work out.

something like, "mom, now would not be a great time, dh has a huge project at work that is spread out all over the living area and spare room, plus he has tests at school that week. also, bobby is coming down with the flu and we've all been feeling like it's coming on. not only that but the dog has a bladder infection and peed on every carpet in the house. smells so bad that they might have to fumigate. there's nothing more i'd like then to spend 2 weeks with you, but i'm sure that under these cicumstances you'd be so miserable. PLEASE let me help you get settled in an apartment or hotel!! i'd LOVE to do it!"

either way, they are your parents, raised you and gave you a roof over your head for years. you and dh should have sucked it up and let them stay.

 

[bettyann29]

Wow is about all I can say.. You were honest in your feelings and you have a right to feel the way you do, but honestly I could AND would never tell my parents they couldnt stay with me even if it was for longer than 2 weeks.. regardless of the situation

 

[MosMom]

I don't know. Sounds like she does a lot for you and you won't let them stay with you for 2 weeks. Yeah, that would suck but we all make sacrifices for family. The whole not wanting them to go to Disney so they could stay home and babysit your dogs thing sounds pretty crappy too. Unless that isn't truly the way it played out.

I can see your point with it being a little rude to ask to stay for 2 weeks but it also sounds like they do quite a bit for you.

Hard to give a solid opinion when you don't know history and the entire situation.