Mother won't let my DSD go. Vent!

[thelittlethings]

A few months ago my husband asked his ex (never married) if it would be okay if his daughter (almost 9) could come with us on a "big" vacation. (didn't want to tell her where just yet b/c we didn't want her to ruin the Disney surprise beforehand, sorry to say but she is the type that might). She thought it over but said yes under a couple of conditions, DSD would be able to call whenever she wanted and it couldn't have something to do with being over water (assuming meaning cruise). Okay, no biggie we are all set then, right? Nope, just called her to confirm everything tonight and she said "I thought I told you no"?!! My husband told her where we wanted to go how much we really wanted to take her (and our almost 4 year old dd) and how we had already booked tickets, hotel etc... So she said she'll think about it and get back to us. Well, after talking with her new husband she still says "no" because they would like to be able to take her and their other kids in a couple of years and they had plans to go to another vacation this year so taking her out of school for our vacation would be to much! Am I in the wrong in thinking we are being punished because of someones selfishness? My husband is crushed and just plain angry. I could see tears forming in his eyes!
Under the custody agreement there is the issue of going out of state and vacations during the summer within a certain time period. But it also states something about this also being during my husbands vacation period which isn't in the summer but October. And there is the 30 day notice which we were and are way ahead of. He is going to speak with his lawyer just to see if there is anything that can be done..
Its just really sad that we have to put up with this and to know my DSD is being denied something simply because her mother wants it her way or no way. It's upsetting to watch him deal with this "woman" when he has never done a thing wrong as far as being a great dad, child-support or anything else along those lines. The mom is just this way and that's how it will be at least until DSD is 18.
Thank you for reading/listening! I just needed to get if off my chest! Life's a Beach! "Just Keep Swimming"

 

[superme80]

No advice I'm so sorry for your family.

 

[JeanfromBNA]

Boy, she sounds like a peach. Poor DSD. it's all about control.

 

[sookie]

I would send a letter that he is formally asking through the mail that the prior arrangement be honored. I would make it nice but I would send it as send receipt mail. I would state that he had talked to her and she had said yes, tickets are bought, and that he is looking forward to taking the child spending time with her.

Be nice but send it return receipt requested. No email. Might be enough to get her to agree.

 

[Robbi]

I'm sorry.
My situation wasn't about my child but my niece. We had planned an all girls trip, including my SIL who is DN's stepmother, to WDW. All was good until the week before when DB's ex changed her mind and would not allow her to go. My brother even told her he would accompany us so his daughter could go, but she still said no. DB has custody and had time and again made allowances for his ex's visitation changes. It would have meant DN went to her mom's a week later but DB had told her she could even have an extra week. BTW, DN's mom had to work that week and DN ended up spending the week with a sitter. We were all so sad that we canceled the trip. It just would not have been the same.
It's so sad when adults put their own selfishness ahead of their children.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Ugh! I am so sorry. I hate it when adults use their children as pawns to play control games.

 

[lizabu]

Sadly this is to common. You could take her to court to reimburse you for the wasted tickets as she initially said yes and then changed her mind.

 

[Bren's Mom]

You could take her to court to reimburse you for the wasted tickets as she initially said yes and then changed her mind.

Well, that's not very realistic. First, he would have to have that IN WRITING for it to hold any weight. And second, the cost of going to court will likely exceed the cost of the dd's tickets. (Her plane ticket would forfeit, most likely, but Disney tickets would still be good for a future use.)

I think that dad needs to play hardball, though. I do think, op, that getting dad's attorney to write a letter and spelling out where he has the right to go (whatever parts that is) and that mom DID say yes (even if verbally) might scare her into agreeing.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

It sounds like the mom wants to be there for her daughters first trip to Disney. Not saying it is right, and it is selfish, but I wouldn't want my child to see Disney without me for the first time either. Of course it sounds like there are other issues there so that isn't her only reason.

 

[mckelvey72]

I guess custody agreements are different for everyone...ours states that we have to NOTIFY, not ask permission. Now having said that, the school district only allows 5 vacation days so if we want to take her out of school it has to be worked out. So last year we took DSD out of school for Disney. This year we wanted to go 1st week of December so we asked if she was planning any "during school" trips and she said no so we are doing it again this year. Next school year (October 2014) I want to take my DS to MNSSHP but DSD can't go cause he mom is planning a trip during that school year.

We are lucky and that for the most part the ex doesn't give us too much trouble.

I agree you should ask the lawyer and if there is something that could be added into the agreement to make this easier in the future then you should take the steps to do that. If I had not already taken DSD to Disney twice (last year and this year) I would feel horrible going next year without her. We even asked if DSD other brother on her moms side could go (they said No) cause we felt bad for the kid to be left behind.

 

[Pigeon]

It sounds like the mom wants to be there for her daughters first trip to Disney. Not saying it is right, and it is selfish, but I wouldn't want my child to see Disney without me for the first time either. Of course it sounds like there are other issues there so that isn't her only reason.

Those are the breaks though, in shared custody situations. You aren't going to be there for all the "firsts." I think it's pretty selfish to say a kid can't experience something like WDW with the other parent first.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

Those are the breaks though, in shared custody situations. You aren't going to be there for all the "firsts." I think it's pretty selfish to say a kid can't experience something like WDW with the other parent first.

I agree. That is why I said in my post it is selfish.

 

[U2_rocks!]

It sounds like the mom wants to be there for her daughters first trip to Disney. Not saying it is right, and it is selfish, but I wouldn't want my child to see Disney without me for the first time either. Of course it sounds like there are other issues there so that isn't her only reason.

I do have a little sympathy for the mom because of this, and truthfully she didn't know it was Disney when she said yes to it. She mentioned 2 conditions at the time she was asked, but it's not surprising that she hadn't thought through all of the possible scenarios (e.g. Disney) right that second either.

I also sympathize with the OP's family - they want the girl to come, they consider her part of the family. And no doubt the girl would be sad to miss it too. It's a tough situation, and I have no advice on how to fix it. Hope it works out OP.

 

[thelittlethings]

No advice I'm so sorry for your family.

Thank you. I'm sorry it is working out this way too.

Boy, she sounds like a peach. Poor DSD. it's all about control.

Yep a real peach!

I would send a letter that he is formally asking through the mail that the prior arrangement be honored. I would make it nice but I would send it as send receipt mail. I would state that he had talked to her and she had said yes, tickets are bought, and that he is looking forward to taking the child spending time with her.

Be nice but send it return receipt requested. No email. Might be enough to get her to agree.

Thank you for the idea! I know a person's word doesn't count for much these days, but maybe this will help if the lawyer thinks we have a chance!

I'm sorry.
My situation wasn't about my child but my niece. We had planned an all girls trip, including my SIL who is DN's stepmother, to WDW. All was good until the week before when DB's ex changed her mind and would not allow her to go. My brother even told her he would accompany us so his daughter could go, but she still said no. DB has custody and had time and again made allowances for his ex's visitation changes. It would have meant DN went to her mom's a week later but DB had told her she could even have an extra week. BTW, DN's mom had to work that week and DN ended up spending the week with a sitter. We were all so sad that we canceled the trip. It just would not have been the same.
It's so sad when adults put their own selfishness ahead of their children.

So sorry this happened to you as well! The "sitter" thing really made me mad. Most of the time DSD is with her Grandma and not even the mother. And she isn't over there because of work, the ex doesn't work.

Ugh! I am so sorry. I hate it when adults use their children as pawns to play control games.

Yes it is and Thank you.

Sadly this is to common. You could take her to court to reimburse you for the wasted tickets as she initially said yes and then changed her mind.

I'm not too concerned about getting any money back. Trying to do that and dealing with the ex just isn't worth it. I can return them to UT if I wanted. I am more hoping going to the lawyer could mean DSD could go because in the end that's what we want for her.



I understand wanting to take your own Daughter to Disney World but why should a father not be able to do the same? (DSD would be just as excited to go with her mom again in a few years. If that ever really happens.) The thing that upsets us both is that she didn't use school or custody agreement as an excuse. They were excuses that were purely selfish.
I told my husband we can wait and go when DSD can go and he said he thinks we should still go. None of us like the idea of leaving DSD behind but he also thinks we shouldn't put our lives on hold because of the ex's ways. He knows I've been planning this for a couple years and how excited I was to surprise them with this trip for their Birthdays. We have BBB booked followed by Cinderella's Happily Ever After Dinner... So many magical things planned...
Boy, I sure hope something works out.

Thanks for listening again!
"swimming, swimming, swimming"

 

[momz]

not that it's really anyone's business, but what is the custody arrangement? Is it shared? If so, the child's father has just as much authority to make the decision to take the child on vacation as does the mother. Now, it's better for all involved if the 2 parents are in agreement.

My 2 cents...I think the mother has a point, in that she would prefer that the child not be taken out of school for a vacation. But, ultimately, if the father has equal custody rights, then "permission" from the mother is not absolutely necessary. Also, if there is a custody battle going on, taking a child out of school for a vacation may be viewed as a poor parenting decision by the courts...but I'm not sure of that, just something to consider.

 

[eliza61]

Been there, done that and sad to say, it's the kids who miss out.

A few years ago dh and I were taking my kids, and my nephew to Portugal for 2 weeks. dh has family there so once airfare was paid it was a cheap trip. My neice from my brothers first wife was going. called the 2nd wife to get permission to take Jr. first she said yes, then she said no (700 ticket wasted).
She claimed she wanted to be the first to take Jr. to Europe. humm pretty hard to do without a job, then she said she didn't want wife number 1 around her son. that was a bunch of crap because we made it very clear that me and dh were the only adults going.

 

[eliza61]

It sounds like the mom wants to be there for her daughters first trip to Disney. Not saying it is right, and it is selfish, but I wouldn't want my child to see Disney without me for the first time either. Of course it sounds like there are other issues there so that isn't her only reason.

I have found that when moms say that, the poor kid "rarely" experiences that thing.

My sister in law pulled that one and to this day my neice is the only one of the "kids" who hasn't been to disneyworld.

So sorry I still think its uber selfish. basically you're saying because I cannot get my kid to disney (or fill in the blank) for whatever reason, that kid should miss out on the experience.

Yes it would be nice but you know what I hope I would never deny my kids opportunities or experiences just because I can't be the one to provide them.

 

[thelittlethings]

not that it's really anyone's business, but what is the custody arrangement? Is it shared? If so, the child's father has just as much authority to make the decision to take the child on vacation as does the mother. Now, it's better for all involved if the 2 parents are in agreement.

My 2 cents...I think the mother has a point, in that she would prefer that the child not be taken out of school for a vacation. But, ultimately, if the father has equal custody rights, then "permission" from the mother is not absolutely necessary. Also, if there is a custody battle going on, taking a child out of school for a vacation may be viewed as a poor parenting decision by the courts...but I'm not sure of that, just something to consider.

She didn't say taking her out of school was the excuse. In fact she mentioned they wanted to go to on a different vacation themselves some other time this year so us taking DSD for our vacation would be messing up their future vacation plans or be taking her out of school too much.
The custody is not shared so beyond what the agreement says (mentioned in original post) there isn't much we can do. We'll see what the lawyer has to say and go from there.

 

[aliyasmomma2003]

I totally understand your pain. DH's ex makes our life miserable. When we planned our first Disney trip, his kids were 5 and 7. We kept it a secret from everyone where we were going for months. It slipped out during an exchange a couple of weeks before we were to leave. Next thing we knew, ex had kids at her BF's aunt's house in FL and took them to MK for one day. They drove 16 hours down, stayed with the aunt, did one MK day, and drove 16 hours home the day before we flew to Orlando just so she could say she too them to Disney first. DH was so mad and the kids were exhausted from 32 hours of driving and MK all in 3 days.

 

[clutter]

I have found that when moms say that, the poor kid "rarely" experiences that thing.

My sister in law pulled that one and to this day my neice is the only one of the "kids" who hasn't been to disneyworld.

Or dads. That happened to us with a friend. Mom knew they'd never go and was so excited that we were asking to take her daughter. Dad said no, it must be with family the first time. (Dad would have hated it. He'd be the guy snarling at the kids about how much it cost, and they better have a good time, while sucking the good time out of everybody.) Poor girl is almost 17. She wouldn't love it as much now, but she would have had so much fun at 7!