More teen drama....WWYD?

[tammymacb]

NOOOOOO!! I'm truly saying that I misunderstood your relationship based on your statement. I was just explaining why I had thought that. Wasn't being snippy at all, I promise the tone of my post was not that at all.

I'm GLAD things have been put to rest for you! I apologize again if my post came across wrong!! That was not my intent.

Well then I apologize too. I just wasn't expecting to be so attacked for wanting to make my child happy AND trying to make her be responsible.

So, sorry I misread your post.

 

[N&B'smom]

Well then I apologize too. I just wasn't expecting to be so attacked for wanting to make my child happy AND trying to make her be responsible.

So, sorry I misread your post.

I hear you!!!! I hate the way you can't always tell the 'tone' of a post. I definitely did NOT mean it the way it came across to you.

I have had to deal with little girl drama (DD7 being told by someone they didn't want to be her friend anymore for no reason) a couple times so trust me, my heart goes out to you. Girl drama is NOT fun!!

 

[Magpie]

Jane won't be joining us.

She texted DD and me saying she can't go as they aren't talking. I had a brief talk with DD and explained that I do need to call Jane's mom so we're all on the same page.

I also told DD that I love her and this was her vacation and I just want to have a good time.

Of course, at that point DD threw in that she still wants to bring another friend, so she isn't bored. Because if she's going to be bored, she might as well stay home...

I would tell her No Way in Heck is she bringing another friend. She may just have to bring a book so she isn't "bored". This is what happens when you break up with a friend. There are consequences.

Please don't let her bring another friend. Not on this trip. Tell her she can bring another friend on the next trip, instead. In the meantime she'll have to make do with onboard activities and cute lifeguards.

Your DD's reaction just smacks WAY too much of Mean Girls to me, and I wouldn't let my daughter get away with that.

 

[smb6]

See but the thing is- she is NOT your child. She is your dd's friend. While you may love her your own child should come first.

I agree.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Well I am glad it all got settled!
Now, since Jane wont be coming can I go? Really I am a good person to vacation with. I don't complain and am quite fun. What do you say? Pretty please!

J/k (well kind of) I am glad you got it all worked out. I hope they do end up being friends but if not I am sure you will still have a great vacation.

 

[lizziepooh]

Tell her that being bored isn't fatal. Have her bring a good book and enjoy the activities on the cruise with other kids. It might be a good experience for her to learn to entertain herself without depending on having a friend along on every vacation.

Good luck. Teen years are difficult. My daughter is past that now, but I still remember the drama.

 

[mickeysgal]

My DD and her BF have been friends since they've been 3. They are both 18 now and at separate colleges. Amazingly enough, 7 years ago while they were both going into middle school, we moved cross country and they are still best friends. We fly the girls back and forth during an occasional holiday, summer breaks, surprise birthday present, etc. - as often as our budgets allow. They've taken our DD on vacation, we've taken "Suzy". We've all vacationed together as families. I get what the OP is saying when she says she feels that this girl is like a daughter to her. Suzy is like a daughter to us as well. After all that time, how could you not?

If something happened to that friendship here, I'd sure as heck get to the bottom of it before making any alterations in the vacation plans. It may be just a temporary thing. A friendship that long and deep deserves at least that. And if things did turn south and stay south, yes, I'd have my DD be responsible for handing the alterations in a respectable, adult manner. Silly girl stuff wouldn't be tolerated. And yes, I'd be on the phone with the mom too. We're that close, they've been too good to us, and I'd feel I'd owe her at least the courtesy of talking it out together. YMMV

 

[rie'smom]

OP, when my daughter was 13 we invited one of her best friends to come on a skiing trip to Mt Tremblant. She and her friend had a "breakup". I called the friend's mom and asked what she thought was the best thing to do. She thought that her daughter shouldn't come on the trip because it would be uncomfortable for all of us. I agreed. It was very simply handled. There were no hard feelings between the parents and the 2 girls became friends again about a year later. They've never been as close as they once were but freindships go through changes and that is probably what is happening with your daughter and her friend.

 

[marsha123]

whats wrong with bringing another friend?

 

[NHdisneylover]

I havent read the other posts.=-just want to say= it BLOWS my mind that you are getting 14 year olds their OWN CABIN on a cruise
wowsa

Seriously People do it all the time. My own two kids (aged 13 and 11) generally have their own stateroom. It is not for the kids that we do this--it is for US. Parents like to have some space. Costa--an Italian line even offers a "Happy Family" stateroom option where kids can be across the hall from their parents (so parents get a veranda and kids have an inside) for only 4-600 Euro for a week (depending on the season). Otherwise kids sail free with them. It is marketed as a way to give the parents some space and adult time.

I will go by my daughter's decision. However, I am standing by the Jane or no one scenario. I'm not paying anyone else's fare. Beyond that, I will 100% go by what my daughter wants to do.

I see it is resolved now and I am glad. I also hope you stick to your guns on this one Your DD needs to be able to enjoy time with the family even without a friend and a shorter term friendship is not something that merits being invited on a cruise with the family (plus I agree with Magpie about the meangirls thing).

Here is what sticks out to me the most...

your DD spends all that time away with her father, comes home and hangs out with Jane (no problem there) but after that initial get together Jane is no longer around and says your DD has changed.
What did your DD do while she was with her father that she told Jane about??
I think Jane wants to go because she is hoping your DD returns to her old self.

Something your DD said or did has made Jane uncomfortable. There is a reason you do not know specifics.
I dont mean any of this in a mean way towards you, OP, but I really think you may have bigger issues than the cruise.

I know you said you looked into it--and it may be just a simple jealousy over minor issues thing but please keep your eyes open. This is the first thing I thought of too. When I taught Jr High I saw some similar situations and almost every time the "changed" girl had done things with the new crowd that made the other girl very uncomfortable--generally drugs or sexual acts--and the changed one was offended when the the old friends expressed her opinions on the matter. Hopefully you are not dealing with anything of the sort but at this age it is always good to really keep an eye out--and you may also want to communicate a lot with her father if you are not already. See if he knows what went on with friends this summer.

Jane won't be joining us.

She texted DD and me saying she can't go as they aren't talking. I had a brief talk with DD and explained that I do need to call Jane's mom so we're all on the same page.

I also told DD that I love her and this was her vacation and I just want to have a good time.

Of course, at that point DD threw in that she still wants to bring another friend, so she isn't bored. Because if she's going to be bored, she might as well stay home...

Ah teen drama. I would be darn tempted to call her bluff. Tell her you really love her and want her along but can arrange for a babysitter if she truly does not want to cruise (but only if you WILL do it) and give her a few days before final payment as a deadline. I am mean that way though.
As far as making friends--if meeting people is tough for her (it is for my DD13) you can register at CruiseCritic and find a meet thread for your cruise. If they do not have a facebook page or meet thread for the teens yet you can start one. Then she will already know people before she gets on board. We also often try to meet the people we have met online who fly in the night before (we always do) for a simple dinner somewhere that night (pizza place or the like). Lots of people of all ages tend to come and by the time they board the kids are fast friends for the week with someone. My DD met her BFF on a Disney Cruise (met her here on the DIS first).

 

[MoniqueU]

Axtually i am caught between two trains of thought here. It very much willl likely blow over by Januaary and be ok.

the other train of thought I have is you can't pick your dd's friends for her and force her to bring someone she doesn't want to. I did that once or twice and it was a disaster. My DD was a NIGHTMARE about it.

Good luck, it is a tough call either way.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

So, Jane really wants to go...she basically told me so. But they aren't talking. Final payment ( and ability to make changes to the reservation ) is due in October.

WWYD?

Give Jane her money back and not take her along.

 

[Mimi1965]

Seriously People do it all the time. My own two kids (aged 13 and 11) generally have their own stateroom. It is not for the kids that we do this--it is for US. Parents like to have some space. Costa--an Italian line even offers a "Happy Family" stateroom option where kids can be across the hall from their parents (so parents get a veranda and kids have an inside) for only 4-600 Euro for a week (depending on the season). Otherwise kids sail free with them. It is marketed as a way to give the parents some space and adult time.


).

Would you let kids that age have their own Motel room-across the hall?

I have seen DISers getting blasted for letting kids that young stay in the hotel room at WDW while the parents went to have a nice meal.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Would you let kids that age have their own Motel room-across the hall?

I have seen DISers getting blasted for letting kids that young stay in the hotel room at WDW while the parents went to have a nice meal.

Ship's staterooms are much smaller than hotel rooms. Ships also tend to have tighter security in so far as no one can just get on the ship do something and then leave immediately (yes i know bad things can and do happen on ships too and yes I know who the law is at sea can be an issue--we are very safety conscious). Finally, on a land based vacation we tend to all be on the same schedule all the time (spending our days doing activities together as one unit). On a ship we often are doing our own things and coming and going at different hours (there are so many activities to choose from and many aimed specifically at tweens and teens) so it is harder to have everyone in the same tiny space. However, in many hotels if they were in the room next door or across the hall, yes I would. In a motel (as in your question) there is generally not a hall and doors open directly onto the parking lot or outdoor railing if elevated and that would seem less safe for me in general so I likely would not--as it is much easier for non guests and staff to access--but again it depends on our feeling in the area in general and the situation. In either scenario (ship or hotel) I would actually be sleeping closer to them than I do at home.
BTW--the vast majority of hotel chains (that are not American brands) in our area do not even sleep more than 3 to a room. We were surprised when we first moved here and wanted rooms to sleep the four of us and asked why. People seemed stunned that we would want to sleep in the same room with a child past preschool age and said people always just get a second room for the kids.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Can you get some of your money back and share a room with just your family or are you stuck with the second room no matter what? If you are stuck with the second room I tend to think you might as well let another friend come along so you can get to know and love her new BFF.

Maybe the friendship is over but at least the other girl had the class to bow out gracefully instead of using you all for a free trip. She sounds like a decent kid regardless of what happened between the friends.

 

[Miz Diz]

Glad the Jane issue on the trip is resolved.

Friends come and go. Sometimes nothing major happens - they just grow apart.

 

[MushyMushy]

So glad your issue is resolved!

If this Jane thing doesn't work itself out with your daughter, you might not want to get so overly attached to any future friends (to the point that they feel like your own). My oldest recently broke up with a long-term girlfriend. Though I knew they were too young to get married, I would have happily welcomed this girl as a daughter in law. It's hard! I'm still friendly with her, but I just had to adjust to the fact that we won't be seeing her at holidays and will probably have to get to know a new girl.

whats wrong with bringing another friend?

Yes, I don't understand that either. Your daughter's going through her own difficult changes right now. If the money was already budgeted out for one friend, can't it be there for another? It sounds like you're punishing your daughter, and for what? I can understand if she did something wrong, but having a fall out with a friend isn't wrong.

 

[Disneyadore]

whats wrong with bringing another friend?

What if this was a boy friend?
I would also tell her no other friend. For the same amount of money she changes her mind again in a few weeks and then Jane or how knows what stranger is her favorite. No way I would allow this.

 

[tammymacb]

So glad your issue is resolved!


Yes, I don't understand that either. Your daughter's going through her own difficult changes right now. If the money was already budgeted out for one friend, can't it be there for another? It sounds like you're punishing your daughter, and for what? I can understand if she did something wrong, but having a fall out with a friend isn't wrong.

I agree 100% that my daughter has the right to be friends with whom she chooses. I also have the right about who I'm going to give a $1000 + gift to. As I posted earlier, because of the cost of this cruise we almost didn't invite Jane in the first place.

DH and I spoke about it this morning. We've decided to tell DD that if new best friend wants to come, parents can pony up $500 towards the trip. It won't recoup all expenses, but it will be a compromise that I can live with. I'll pay part of the cost, and I won't have to listen to "I'm going to die of lack of socialization" for the next 4 months.

If the parents chose not to send her, then the second room will be cancelled and DD will be in the same room with DH and I. Probably complaining and whining about it until we get on the ship in January.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Yes, I don't understand that either. Your daughter's going through her own difficult changes right now. If the money was already budgeted out for one friend, can't it be there for another? It sounds like you're punishing your daughter, and for what? I can understand if she did something wrong, but having a fall out with a friend isn't wrong.

From my perspective: spending a full week with someone day and night (and gifting them with a thousand dollar or more trip) is not something that you do for a casual friend or someone you are just beginning to get really close to. I would only want to commit that kind of money and time to a kid I knew my child had a history of being able to be with for long periods (also because maybe the new friend will be out by the time January rolls around and after finally payment you really can't change WHO is going without very good reason--like a medical issue with a paper trail). I would also want to have enough experience around the child to know that I could stand her around for the entire week on MY vacation, know that i could trust her, etc. I would want to have a strong relationship with the child's parents and feel I knew where we stood with them and could work everything out.
So to me, if they have been fast friends for a long time and this was planned that is okay. If the friendship breaks up (for whatever reason or no reason at all) and the child prefers to go with only family that is okay too. But the child does not get to pick and choose just anyone to come along (and be paid for) on EVERYONE'S vacation and be fickle about the invites and change things around later. Maybe on a future trip--if another close friend is involved in the girl's life then she can take someone else--but not this trip this late in the game.
That would be my approach and reasoning anyway.