More teen drama....WWYD?

[minniebeth]

I should clarify, I told DD that * I * wouldn't disinvite Jane. I told her that if she wanted Jane to stay home, than she would be the one to tell her. So far, she hasn't done it.

That's a really hard situation to put a 14 yo in. She's still learning and growing in relationships. Please don't put that kind of pressure on her, this is experience will be a growing one for her. I'm sure she is feeling bad enough about the relationship being torn right now as it is.

 

[stsomewhere]

I agree with you-she should tell her friend herself.

But, you need to confirm it with the mom. That way the friend understand that you know. It is not just your daughter saying, " you can't go" and the friend thinking she still is since YOU haven't said anything to the mom.

Of course, the friend wants to go on a cruise. Especially, since you have taken her on so many vacations.

 

[disykat]

I agree with you-she should tell her friend herself.

Oh, I agree there that the dd needs to do this. However, OP said she had a conversation with Jane about how she still wants to go. Apparently Jane is considering herself still invited despite no longer being friends with the dd. I don't quite understand why she feels this way, but I'm not sure she'll believe the dd that she's not invited unless the mom backs up the "uninvite."

 

[tammymacb]

Of course she wants to go on the cruise. She loves to vacation with us and she told me she still wants to go, but she also said, she can't go just because DH and I said she could, DD has to want her to go too. But, DD has never said to Jane straight up " I don't want you to go"

 

[We_Love_Disney]

I realize you made a formal invitation. And to rescind is a big decision.

When you invited her into the decision to invite Jane, you also gave her the option to un-invite her. It is a heck of a life's lesson, certainly. However, I would like to reiterate that DD must be first. Even if her reason for no longer talking to Jane is stupid -- in DD's mind it isn't.

What was once best friend material at age 8 is totally different for a 14 year old. Maybe they do not mesh anymore.

Would you want to be stuck with your ex best friend for a week?

At this point, cancel Jane. If they get back together, won't they have learned something wonderful, and if they don't, well you have saved yourself a lot of headaches.

ETA: In an earlier post, I suggested that whatever DD decides, you, DH and DD need to meet with Jane and her family and as a group discuss the decision. You really need to back your DD up there. She is counting on you.

 

[luvmy3]

I should clarify, I told DD that * I * wouldn't disinvite Jane. I told her that if she wanted Jane to stay home, than she would be the one to tell her. So far, she hasn't done it.

If your dd does tell Jane, I think that you should still call Jane's mother and explain the situation since you did formally invite her.
I understand that you don't want to hurt Jane by uninviting her, but your dd's feelings should come first. I would try to find out exactly why your dd doesn't want her friend to come anymore, she may have a very good reason.

 

[JLTraveling]

I'm putting myself in your place, imagining that it's my son and his best-friend-since-kindergarten. We've traveled with them, shared a cottage with them, and we're friends with his parents.

If my son and his best friend had a falling out, I would tell my son that unless he gave me a VERY good reason for uninviting his friend (ie, he's suddenly turned into a drug addict - and believe me, I'd check!), the friend is still invited.

I would not rescind the invitation without more information. For all you know, your daughter is the one in the wrong.

This could be a good opportunity for them to repair the friendship, if the break is minor. And if it's major, then your daughter needs to tell you what happened. (A vague "fight over another friend" isn't enough.)

I totally agree with this. It's not right to uninvite Jane over some vague disagreement. OP, I think there are some very valuable lessons in this whole situation for your DD:

1) While you love her and support her decisions, there are a lot of people in the situation whose feelings must be considered (Jane's, yours, anyone else in the family who is close to Jane). If there's a serious issue, yes you'll support her unquestioningly. But she needs to tell you what's going on.

2) Invitations on major trips are not something to be given, accepted or taken away lightly. This isn't a day at the zoo, it's a cruise...something that costs a lot of money and time. Those considerations need to be weighed before an invitation is revoked...or worse yet, reassigned to some random kid.

3) Friendships are also not to be given, accepted or retracted lightly. If Jane is disinvited on the cruise, that adds a finality to the "breakup" that may not be so easy to undo. If that's what your DD wants, fine. But she needs to think it through and make sure she won't regret that decision.

Of course, that's all just my opinion and may not make sense for your particular situation. But I'd be real wary of canceling the invite without more information.

 

[tammymacb]

This is more personal to me than you know. ( And I know it's silly but I've never forgotten this )

I had a best friend for YEARS. I remember the first time I ever got off the bus at another person's house. It was Stacey's. We were best friends from kindergarten. Then in around 9th grade, Stacey's parents were taking her on a trip to Europe ( Stacey's mom was born there ) She invited someone else. I couldn't believe it! Her answer was that the other girl was at her house when Stacey's parents told her about the trip. The other girl did pay her own way. But, I'll never forget how heartbreaking that was for me and that was 20 years ago. It hurt our friendship.

And so I do not take this disinvite lightly.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Here are my thoughts....

First, I would, indeed, require a lot more forthcoming information from your DD.

Second, unfortunately, you really set yourself up for this. As a rule, it is NOT good for parents to be that overly vested in their child's friend/boy-girl friend. It seems very obvious that you have done everything except 'stay out of it'. You are actually referring to this friend 'like your own child'.

Common sense dictates that this kind of drama happens with teen girls... and YOU took on that risk when you agreed to these plans so far in advance. Just because you personally took that risk.. and YOU became so overly vested in this other child... This should not obligate your own child, not one tiny bit.

Your child should have a right to end this relationship, NOW, if that is what she feels is best.

The whole thing is just SO convoluted, because you have chosen to make this friend, 'like your own daughter'.....

You may have seen this all as a very good thing... 'all right with the world'... but lines have been crossed. And, it is never a good thing for parents to be that overly vested in their child's relationships. It just isn't.

The fact that, even though your child has been insistant about this, it is still a personal topic of conversation between yourself and Jane, with you basicly taking Jane's side, without knowing the entire situaiton.... is a terrible disservice to your child.

The fact that you told your child, basicly, no matter what, she WILL spend her family vacation with this friend.

I am assuming that this whole thing is fully refundable at this point... but you still want to make your daughter 'obligated'.

If you want to wait until closer to cancellation window to see how things play out... by all means...

But, to obligate your young teen daughter to come in second and spend her vacation with her parents with another child in which she is embroiled in drama and ill will...

Not something that I, personally would ever, ever, consider.
Even if it were past cancellation.

I think you do need to ask yourself...
Who comes first here... your daughter, or the 'friend'.
I think that how you choose to handle this does send a major and undeniable message to your child.

 

[mickeysgal]

Oh, I agree there that the dd needs to do this. However, OP said she had a conversation with Jane about how she still wants to go. Apparently Jane is considering herself still invited despite no longer being friends with the dd. I don't quite understand why she feels this way, but I'm not sure she'll believe the dd that she's not invited unless the mom backs up the "uninvite."

This is what I don't understand. If the two girls had a falling out, why would Jane still want to go? Does Jane think this is something that will settle down in a week or blow over? What happened? Often at this age, girls are mad one week and "BFF's" the next. I'd get to the bottom of what happened - on both sides, see if it looks likely that it will patch up on it's own, and make a determination from there.

 

[tammymacb]

Here are my thoughts....

First, I would, indeed, require a lot more forthcoming information from your DD.

Second, unfortunately, you really set yourself up for this. As a rule, it is NOT good for parents to be that overly vested in their child's friend/boy-girl friend. It seems very obvious that you have done everything except 'stay out of it'. You are actually referring to this friend 'like your own child'.

Common sense dictates that this kind of drama happens with teen girls... and YOU took on that risk when you agreed to these plans so far in advance. Just because you personally took that risk.. and YOU became so overly vested in this other child... This should not obligate your own child, not one tiny bit.

Your child should have a right to end this relationship, NOW, if that is what she feels is best.

The whole thing is just SO convoluted, because you have chosen to make this friend, 'like your own daughter'.....

You may have seen this all as a very good thing... 'all right with the world'... but lines have been crossed. And, it is never a good thing for parents to be that overly vested in their child's relationships. It just isn't.

The fact that, even though your child has been insistant about this, it is still a personal topic of conversation between yourself and Jane, with you basicly taking Jane's side, without knowing the entire situaiton.... is a terrible disservice to your child.

The fact that you told your child, basicly, no matter what, she WILL spend her family vacation with this friend.

I am assuming that this whole thing is fully refundable at this point... but you still want to make your daughter 'obligated'.

If you want to wait until closer to cancellation window to see how things play out... by all means...

But, to obligate your young teen daughter to come in second and spend her vacation with her parents with another child in which she is embroiled in drama and ill will...

Not something that I, personally would ever, ever, consider.
Even if it were past cancellation.

I think you do need to ask yourself...
Who comes first here... your daughter, or the 'friend'.
I think that how you choose to handle this does send a major and undeniable message to your child.

I'm wondering if you read my previous posts?

I've told DD that * I * will not disinvite her. She'll have to make that decision herself. I've told her that I'm not paying for anyone else.

I've seen Jane once in the last month ( she went to dinner with DD and spent the night at our house ) and spoken to her once on the phone. I realize the best thing I can do for everyone involved is stay out. But, since there is a large amount of money involved and since ( at the time ) DD was saying there was * no * problem between them, I did call her to see what was going on and ask her if she still planned on joining us on the cruise.

 

[georgina]

*(This was in response to mickeysgal - sorry, I'm a slow typer.)

They may not have had a falling out. My DD has had friends decide they didn't want to hang out with her anymore even though she still wanted to hang out with them. Age 13-15 are the worst years for teen girls. It sounds like a difficult situation.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Of course she wants to go on the cruise. She loves to vacation with us and she told me she still wants to go, but she also said, she can't go just because DH and I said she could, DD has to want her to go too. But, DD has never said to Jane straight up " I don't want you to go"

Wow....

First thing I notice is the 'US"....

Second thing I notice is the thinly veiled attempt at justification here.
Did you or did you not state that your daughter told you very clearly that she did not want Jane to come. I don't see any confusion or ambiguity here.

To disregard this, and to put 'Jane' first in any way would, IMHO, be a grave mistake.

 

[C.Ann]

I think 4 people need to sit down in a room together and get to the bottom of what this fuss was all about.. You and your DD, Jane and her mom.. If it's clear that the friendship is totally over - and they aren't going to be best friends again a week, 2 weeks, or a month from now - you should not bring Jane along..

Not only will it be miserable for your own DD, I'm pretty darn sure it will be miserable for Jane too.. Nothing worse than being around someone (in this case your DD) that clearly doesn't want you around..

I'm actually quite surprised that Jane's parents have allowed you to pay for so many expensive vacations for their DD.. Have they ever contributed anything at all - or did I miss that part?

 

[disykat]

Whether the DD is at fault for the end of their friendship doesn't matter. As the daughter, DD gets "vacation custody" of her parents over her friend no matter who is at fault.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I did call her to see what was going on and ask her if she still planned on joining us on the cruise.

Yes, I did read your post...
The above is really all I need to hear.

This just solidifies and confirms every word of advice that I just posted.

Sorry if this is not what you want to hear....

 

[tammymacb]

I really like a Jane's parents. Her mom has offered to help pay for trips, and we've declined. She always has spending money. And, Jane's mom has helped me out when I've been stuck at work, taken DD on a few trips ( more local car trips ) and Jane's family has always been very good to my daughter. Jane is the oldest of 3, my DD is the youngest and only child left at home. We have a higher income and I've not resented taking her. It's always nice to have DD have someone to hang out with so for DH and I, paying her way ( and it's been lovely taking such a nice kid that we all enjoyed ) has been worth every penny.

 

[disykat]

I'm wondering if you read my previous posts?

I've told DD that * I * will not disinvite her. She'll have to make that decision herself. I've told her that I'm not paying for anyone else.

I've seen Jane once in the last month ( she went to dinner with DD and spent the night at our house ) and spoken to her once on the phone. I realize the best thing I can do for everyone involved is stay out. But, since there is a large amount of money involved and since ( at the time ) DD was saying there was * no * problem between them, I did call her to see what was going on and ask her if she still planned on joining us on the cruise.

Okay, now I'm confused. I thought they were no longer friends? I do agree you shouldn't take anyone else, but that really didn't seem to be what this was all about. I thought it was about the friendship breaking up.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Whether the DD is at fault for the end of their friendship doesn't matter. As the daughter, DD gets "vacation custody" of her parents over her friend no matter who is at fault.

Exactly..

And the fact that the OP is missing this...

 

[tammymacb]

Yes, I did read your post...
The above is really all I need to hear.

This just solidifies and confirms every word of advice that I just posted.

Sorry if this is not what you want to hear....

Again, when we had this conversation, DD was denying any problems between them. But, I could tell that something was going on. There's background I haven't gotten into here such as my DD had spent several weeks of the summer with her biological father who she sees once a year. EVERY year when she first gets home, she *doesn't act right* add teenage angst and you have no idea what's really going on. So I spoke with her best friend.

Sorry if you have a problem with that. However, my daughter always comes first and if you have a problem understanding that, I don't need any more of your opinions.