More and more people expecting grandparents to watch kids?

[Gammaresource]

I probably shouldn't have said anything and I apologize if I offended anyone.

You are allowed to have feelings about this, and disagree.

 

[Mrsdennison]

I think families are so interesting. All are so different. Growing up my family was very close. Married dh and his was close but by no means like mine. It was an adjustment.

I usually ask my mom to watch the kids for important things. Like I have a dr. appointment or we needed to make two trips to lowes for roofing before they closed.

My inlaws who are younger than my mom watches the kids for us one night or two a month to allow for a date night. They make fun of us for being back my 9 pm.

We live in a rural area and families are used more as the babysitting service than hiring someone. I have paid my nieces once or twice to watch the kids.

I do hope I can be one of those grandparents that watch the grandkids every other weekend. Take them to disney and all sorts of fun stuff.

Mrsdennison

 

[TheCharmingLizard]

Haven't read the whole thing, sorry if I'm repeating.

I firmly believe that you can't be taken advantage in situations like this if you don't want to be. If your parents are "told" they have to watch the kids, it is in their power to say no.


I don't think there's anything wrong with having the grandparents watching kids - if they want to. My parents call at least 1-2 times a month asking when they can watch my kids because they miss them (I have 2 of my parent's 3 grandkids).

However, I also pay for daycare for when I'm at work.


And, for the record, I don't get the whole "moms shouldn't have any time for themselves" mentality... if I'm not at 100% because I'm over stressed and over wrought, how can I be good for my kids? What's wrong with going out 1-2 times per month to spend one on one time with your spouse? How come the relationship with the kids trump the relationship with the husband/wife?

I know, OP, you said you didn't agree with this attitude, I'm just addressing the issue in general.

 

[mom2aredhead]

Just be careful when you judge others....what's right for one family may be totally different for another.

And everyone is entitled to their own opinion regardless of whether it is the same or different than the one that you have.

That's what makes the world go 'round.

 

[RadioFanatic]

You are allowed to have feelings about this, and disagree.

thank you!

 

[connorlevismom]

And, for the record, I don't get the whole "moms shouldn't have any time for themselves" mentality... if I'm not at 100% because I'm over stressed and over wrought, how can I be good for my kids? What's wrong with going out 1-2 times per month to spend one on one time with your spouse? How come the relationship with the kids trump the relationship with the husband/wife?

I know, OP, you said you didn't agree with this attitude, I'm just addressing the issue in general.

Ya know, I don't get it either. The only thing I can think is that my mom is older (in her 70's) and grew up in a dfferent era. The other thing is she is one of those people who think that if she did not get something, then nobody should. We were not allowed to go to camp (or do anything basically) because the poor kids could not do it (meaning she was very poor when growing and up did not get to do it) so we should not be able to do it either. She never bothered to notice that the poor kids WERE able to do that stuff and have it paid for. But this is a whole different thread about my mom and her thoughts.

Kristine

 

[Worfiedoodles]

Oh! Can I just say I want to be a grandma who takes her grandkids to Disney, too?!

The only problem is, I know ds is always going to want to come along!

My ds will not expect us to watch his kids, because that's not what he's seen. My grandparents didn't watch me, although I would visit for a week in the summer occasionally (my mom was the oldest of 12, so there were a boatload of us -- I think I had my grandma to myself twice).

My point is, I guess I'm wondering if people expect it because that is the way they grew up? Would it occur to you to have your parents watch your kids all the time if you hadn't had the experience as a child?

 

[disykat]

No one is saying a close relationship with grandparents isn't good. My SIL lives next door to our inlaws and handles this well. They all see each other daily. Sure, sometimes she asks the inlaws if they can watch the kids. Sometimes they all visit. Sometimes the inlaws want time with just the grandkids. Grandparents have pitched in when she was sick or when she had a rare getaway. She's pitched in helping them out as well - like the symbiotic relationship someone described. No big deal. The grandparents and parents have very different roles. Those roles started to blur once after SIL had a longterm illness and they all had to take a step back. They were all smart enough to know that!

What I have never seen her do is EXPECT the grandparents to do her routine childcare.

I won't be calling my kids expecting them to do my household chores, errands, etc. and they shouldn't be calling expecting me to be at their beck and call either. The key word is EXPECT and that is NOT a symbiotic relationship.

 

[Aristomommy]

My SIL expects both grandparents to pitch in taking care of her kids. She feels that she makes too little to pay for a babysitter or daycare. She also uses aunts and cousins as babysitters. I once witnessed her monthly call to all relatives where she gave them options of which days they could babysit based on her scheduled shifts. Since she works evenings and sometimes weekends, it's easier to find someone to watch the kids. She gets her feelings hurt if someone refuses and the "babysitters" don't always want to do it but will to help her out.

I OTOH, pay for babysitting. I feel that it is my reponsibility and grandparents can offer to spend time with the kids when they want to. I don't want there to be an obligation to take care of my kids or any hurt feelings. If my mom lived closer, she would gladly spend a day or two a week with the kids. My MIL works and usually asks to take the kids a week in the summer and during winter break. I am glad for the help, but it is more for them to spend time together, not help me out.

 

[badblackpug]

I think it is tragic how few people raise their own children... left to grandparents, other family, or daycare.

My children have been watched three times total. For a few hours while I was busy having their sibling. That is it. My DH and I wanted these children, and want to raise them.

We have a lot of time for ourselves, it is called bedtime. And, time goes so fast.

We vacation a lot, (camp to 5 star resorts all over), swim,bike, ski ... and we love that we do it as a family.

I think it is sad how many people need 'me' time, and don't like spending time with their children.

Believe me, as a former educator and now a classroom volunteer... it is easy to see who is raising the children. And, it is sad how many children will walk right up to me, and ask me to take them home or if I have seen their mommy.

Whether it is meant like it sounds or not, I hope you can see how this post can come off as offensive, and to use the phrase "mommier-than-thou" towards those who do not have the luxury, or desire of being a one income family. It also suggests (to me) that people who want "adult" time are being selfish and "don't want to spend time with their children." Really, it suggests that the only time that it is okay to be without your kids is when hospitalized.

wow, martyrmomdom...please. It is called having priorities, a strong marriage, supportive and fun friends, and putting family first.

Just because I see the purpose in raising and spending time with my children, doesn't make me anything more than a mom trying her best.

I do think all families work differently, and every family needs different setups for child rearing etc. For some that is daycare, nanny, or grandparents...

I will never apologize for being a SAHM, who has the ability to love and support her family. I will also not feel bad that our life has allowed us to include our children in it, without feeling like we are sacrificing.

And, I know I am not alone, in feeling that trips without my DH and children would not be as fun. I get to got to places like Sonnenalp Resort in Vail, and go to the spa with my sister for two hours, and then... see my DH and children. Many of don't need to get away, because we 'have it all' right at home.

Again, it sounds as if you are stating the same. That those of us who use daycare or sitters lack priorities, or a strong marriage, and that we don't put our children 1st. It is lovely that you can afford such luxuries on a single income, but it is not the reality for many people. As women our lives do not begin the minute we give birth, but if your whole world revolves around your kids it will end the minute they are adults. It is normal and healthy to have interests and lives outside of your kids, and it is a good example to show your kids that your are someone other than "mommy."

OP, I understand your point. I have seen posts in which people complain that their parents/in-laws won't watch their kids or don't offer to watch their kids. I, too often thought that it was unfair to expect someone else to take care of your kids. I also think it is important to have time as a couple. More than those 2 worn-out hours after the kids go to bed. We enjoy doing things where the kids would not be welcome, like the theater and fine dining. We also enjoy season baseball tickets (go Phillies! ) where we can relax and have a few hot dogs and a few beers and not have to worry about watching children. My kids will grow up knowing that the world doesn't revolve around them and that our lives didn't begin at the moment of their birth. I guess I just have screwed up priorities!

 

[princessmom29]

wow, martyrmomdom...please. It is called having priorities, a strong marriage, supportive and fun friends, and putting family first.

Just because I see the purpose in raising and spending time with my children, doesn't make me anything more than a mom trying her best.

I do think all families work differently, and every family needs different setups for child rearing etc. For some that is daycare, nanny, or grandparents...

I will never apologize for being a SAHM, who has the ability to love and support her family. I will also not feel bad that our life has allowed us to include our children in it, without feeling like we are sacrificing.

And, I know I am not alone, in feeling that trips without my DH and children would not be as fun. I get to got to places like Sonnenalp Resort in Vail, and go to the spa with my sister for two hours, and then... see my DH and children. Many of don't need to get away, because we 'have it all' right at home.

I don't know if you mean to or not, but your first post and to some extent this one really does come of a little "mommier than thou". I cannot afford to keep a roof over our heads if I stay home. It is that simple. I certianly couldn't afford a 2 hour trip to the spa with or without without my kid either if i was a SAHM. Must be nice. So I am gathering that in your view it is ok for you to leave your kids with your husbad for a couple hours to go to the spa, but not with anyone else??? What is the difference between your husband watching them and another relative that volenteered?? The spa trip doesn't count as having them "watched" b/c your husband is with them? Is that how it works??? I am really trying hard to understand how that is ok, but my trip to the nail salon when mom has DD is somehow selfish???

 

[Liltx]

Is it just me or are there more and more people having kids and then expecting the grandparents to watch them all the time so they can go have fun? I am 34 and have one 5 year old son. Growing up my mom always drilled it into my head that if I chose to have a kid, then it is my responsibility as a parent to take care of that child. That you give up your free and fun time to be a parent.

I have three nieces that are 30, 25 and 25 that have kids and my brothers and sisters (their g-parents) are watching those kids CONTANTLY. 2 of my nieces drop their kids off at their g-parents every single weekend for the whole weekend because they need breaks. What? My one niece probably watches her kid 3 nights a week at most and the other nights he is being watched by his grandpa or his aunts (my sister) because she needs a break.

On occasion I will ask my parents if they will watch my son if I have an appointment that I cannot bring him to or something like that. But I don't think I have ever asked if they could watch him so that DH and I could go out. If we want to go out, we hire a babysitter! Maybe I just don't understand this at all but is with the need for "breaks" several times a week?

I must admit that my sister (my sons godmother) has watched my son for 5-7 days for the last couple of years so that DH and I could go on vacation alone. We appreciated that more than anyone will ever know. But we are expecting #2 and she told me that this last vacation we went on would be our last because she does not want to watch 2 kids. I totally get that and respect that it would be a lot of work. All of the times she has watched him she offered first, I did not ask her.

So is it just me or are things really changing in the way people parent these days?

Kristine

I don't really know why you care?
Other questions. Why do people let daycares raise their children or nannies or babysitters?

In many areas it is a cultural tradition. In my husband's family the grandmother ALWAYS watches the grandchildren while the parents work. It would be disrespectful to not let her. It is considered an honor. DMIL was depressed when at 3 year olds for both of our children we moved them to preschool. My parents babysit my dds all the time. They LOVE it and ask to do it. In fact starting this weekend we are taking our second vacation away from them this year. I think my girls are more independent because of this. We do pay for a babysitter from time to time but would rather leave them with people who actually LOVE them.

Do what you want. No, need to worry about what the rest of us do, really.

Monica

 

[tartemis]

wow, martyrmomdom...please. It is called having priorities, a strong marriage, supportive and fun friends, and putting family first.

Just because I see the purpose in raising and spending time with my children, doesn't make me anything more than a mom trying her best.

I do think all families work differently, and every family needs different setups for child rearing etc. For some that is daycare, nanny, or grandparents...

I will never apologize for being a SAHM, who has the ability to love and support her family. I will also not feel bad that our life has allowed us to include our children in it, without feeling like we are sacrificing.

And, I know I am not alone, in feeling that trips without my DH and children would not be as fun. I get to got to places like Sonnenalp Resort in Vail, and go to the spa with my sister for two hours, and then... see my DH and children. Many of don't need to get away, because we 'have it all' right at home.

I think why your post upset so many people is that you strongly implied that being a SAHM meant that you put your family and children before those women that have to or choose to work. Good for you for being happy with your choice to be a SAHM. And you should also feel grateful that you are in a financially secure position to do so.

I really struggled with whether to go back to work when my DD was born. I was the principal bread-winner (I make more than three times what my husband did because I am in a lucrative career) so it wouldn't have made sense from a financial standpoint. But, I could have quit, we could have moved, and we could have downsized our lifestyle considerably to make it work.

What really struck me and made me decide to continue working however, is something my mother said to me. In her generation, women had the choice to be a teacher or a nurse -- and you were expected to stay home and be a SAHM once kids came. (She was a SAHM for us.) I was not limited the way she was -- I went to lawschool, became a lawyer and have a job that a few generations women never had. What message would I be sending my own daughter if I gave all of that up? That women really should be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen? Why should she (or any woman) go to college and get a degree if once you have kids a women SHOULD stay home? To me that was a compelling argument.

Just throwing out another perspetive that maybe you haven't thought of before.

In the end, I'm about CHOICE. (And surprise, I'm an evil Republican, too.) The biggest obstacle to women breaking through "glass ceilings" and making society more accomodating to a better work and home balance is other women. Just because I made the choice to work doesn't mean that you made the wrong choice to be a SAHM or that I love my children any less than you do.

 

[Colleen27]

I think why your post upset so many people is that you strongly implied that being a SAHM meant that you put your family and children before those women that have to or choose to work. Good for you for being happy with your choice to be a SAHM. And you should also feel grateful that you are in a financially secure position to do so.

I really struggled with whether to go back to work when my DD was born. I was the principal bread-winner (I make more than three times what my husband did because I am in a lucrative career) so it wouldn't have made sense from a financial standpoint. But, I could have quit, we could have moved, and we could have downsized our lifestyle considerably to make it work.

What really struck me and made me decide to continue working however, is something my mother said to me. In her generation, women had the choice to be a teacher or a nurse -- and you were expected to stay home and be a SAHM once kids came. (She was a SAHM for us.) I was not limited the way she was -- I went to lawschool, became a lawyer and have a job that a few generations women never had. What message would I be sending my own daughter if I gave all of that up? That women really should be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen? Why should she (or any woman) go to college and get a degree if once you have kids a women SHOULD stay home? To me that was a compelling argument.

Just throwing out another perspetive that maybe you haven't thought of before.

You don't like the implication that being a SAHM is better than working, but you have no problem implying that SAHMs are setting a poor example for their own daughters?

 

[tartemis]

You don't like the implication that being a SAHM is better than working, but you have no problem implying that SAHMs are setting a poor example for their own daughters?

I admit there is a bit of that implication in my post -- and why I reached the decision I did. But I was merely trying to throw out a different perspective. I just don't think there is a clear black and white answer to this issue and that is why I would never, ever, accuse the SAHM of loving or caring about her kids less than I do --- the implication thrown out by the person to whom I was responding.

Personally, I do think that in an ideal world one parent (or both parents working part-time and splitting duties) would stay at home with the kids -- at least before they are in school. But, I just think it is fundamentally wrong to assume that that responsibility should fall on the woman. Until that assumption no longer exists, women will never actually acheive equality.

 

[badblackpug]

I think why your post upset so many people is that you strongly implied that being a SAHM meant that you put your family and children before those women that have to or choose to work. Good for you for being happy with your choice to be a SAHM. And you should also feel grateful that you are in a financially secure position to do so.

I really struggled with whether to go back to work when my DD was born. I was the principal bread-winner (I make more than three times what my husband did because I am in a lucrative career) so it wouldn't have made sense from a financial standpoint. But, I could have quit, we could have moved, and we could have downsized our lifestyle considerably to make it work.

What really struck me and made me decide to continue working however, is something my mother said to me. In her generation, women had the choice to be a teacher or a nurse -- and you were expected to stay home and be a SAHM once kids came. (She was a SAHM for us.) I was not limited the way she was -- I went to lawschool, became a lawyer and have a job that a few generations women never had. What message would I be sending my own daughter if I gave all of that up? That women really should be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen? Why should she (or any woman) go to college and get a degree if once you have kids a women SHOULD stay home? To me that was a compelling argument.

Just throwing out another perspetive that maybe you haven't thought of before.

In the end, I'm about CHOICE. (And surprise, I'm an evil Republican, too.) The biggest obstacle to women breaking through "glass ceilings" and making society more accomodating to a better work and home balance is other women. Just because I made the choice to work doesn't mean that you made the wrong choice to be a SAHM or that I love my children any less than you do.

No, actually I found the post bothersome because it sounded to me that the poster was trying to imply that if you left your children at all, for any reason that you were a poor parent, and if you admitted to needing time for yourself you were self centered. Also the indication that if you used daycare, or a sitter, or grandparents you were choosing to allow someone else to raise your child. This is not the age old debate over whether you are a better mother if you work or stay home.

The OP was commenting on how she perceives an increasing trend in parents expecting grandparents to watch their children, for whatever reason, and how she felt it was unfair for parents to expect their parents to take care of their kids. I agree. The word I am stressing is expect.

I have a friend who is a single mom. Her daughter's father is not in the picture. Her mother used to do all of her child care for her when she worked or went out. Unfortunately my friend found that after a while the lines between parent and grandparent became blurred, and her mother had a difficult time stepping back and allowing her to parent her own child. This affected her relationship with her mother. It was also affecting her relationship with her own daughter as her mother always felt the need to intervene when she didn't agree with her decisions as a parent, thus undermining her authority as a parent. She ultimately found it better to hire a sitter, and just allow mom to be a grandma.

My aunt (in her 70's) watches her 4 grandchildren, ranging in ages from 1-6, every day. (well the 6y/o 1/2 day due to kindergarten) she will tell others that it is "too much," but will not tell her daughter because she is made to feel guilty whenever she is unavailable.

My uncle skips his nighttime medicine because it makes him sleepy, and he may oversleep, and he "has" to take his grandson to school, because his daughter has to get ready for work.

I, personally, don't think it is fair to expect someone to give up their time and life to take care of your kids. I would feel different if I were paying someone (even a relative) because then it would seem, to me, to be a job.

For those of you who do have your parents/in-laws watch your children, what do you do if your parent(s)/in-laws are unavailable? Say they were sick, or wanted to go away, or just had plans for the day? With daycare, my mother is the back up, but you can't really use daycare as the back up for your mother....

 

[*Toadstool*]

My parents live up the street from us. They see us and my DD everyday. They like to keep her for me and my DH to do things. I am not forcing or expecting them to take her. They call me and ask me to bring her over. I definitely don't feel like I am letting them raise her. I am very thankful for them. I much prefer having her stay with them than a babysitter that I don't know nearly as well as my parents. I never had a close relationship with either of my grandparents and think it is a blessing to have my parents want to be such a great part of her life. Sometimes I think that it is a cultural thing. Most people in my area see their parents several times a week. I don't know if it is like this other places though to be honest.

 

[MandM-Mom]

My parents watch our children but its not because we are asking.....they are asking or my children are asking them if they can come over. My parents come to visit us 3-4 nights a week for a just a quick visit with the kiddies and have a cup of coffee with us. My older girls are at an age where they want to ask to go over now. Also my Mother is the only one that I trust to watch or that my youngest will even stay with... she has signifigant medical issues and Down Syndrome and at almost 3 yrs old functions as a 6 month old so she needs lots of care. On the other hand my husbands parents have made it perfectly clear they don't babysit so we have never even asked them....my kids don't ask to go there and we see them on holidays and a few scattered days a year and they only live 2 houses down from us....its really the grandparents themselves who decide how much they want to be involved in my opinion.

 

[jodifla]

wow, martyrmomdom...please. It is called having priorities, a strong marriage, supportive and fun friends, and putting family first.

Just because I see the purpose in raising and spending time with my children, doesn't make me anything more than a mom trying her best.

I do think all families work differently, and every family needs different setups for child rearing etc. For some that is daycare, nanny, or grandparents...

I will never apologize for being a SAHM, who has the ability to love and support her family. I will also not feel bad that our life has allowed us to include our children in it, without feeling like we are sacrificing.

And, I know I am not alone, in feeling that trips without my DH and children would not be as fun. I get to got to places like Sonnenalp Resort in Vail, and go to the spa with my sister for two hours, and then... see my DH and children. Many of don't need to get away, because we 'have it all' right at home.

I have my priorities plenty straight as well. Got a strong marriage (because I spend ALONE time with my DH for these past 21 years!!!!!!!!!!) lots of friends and fun and family time too. These aren't exclusive to SAHMs, of course.

And, I see how my son thrives when he's with other people...It gives him a sense of confidence that he can navigate without me (my DS has a disability, so this is an important skill for him to develop).

I agree that all families are different, but saying it's "tragic" that women work or that we get sitters to go out with our DHs is just ...well, it's really hard to find polite words to describe it.

And I have enough influence and bond with my son to know that I don't need to be with him 24/7.

 

[sacall]

For those of you who do have your parents/in-laws watch your children, what do you do if your parent(s)/in-laws are unavailable? Say they were sick, or wanted to go away, or just had plans for the day? With daycare, my mother is the back up, but you can't really use daycare as the back up for your mother....

I live less than a mile away from my parents. When my two daughters were born, my Mom and Dad insisted on watching them until they were at least two years old. So, when I had my first, she was with my parents until two and then went to daycare when my second was born (they are two years apart). I only work three days a week, so it wasn't a full week for my parents.

I offered to pay, but they refused to accept any money from us. They are very, very comfortable in their retirement. They also offered at least one weekend night a month to take the kids for a few hours, so my dh and I could go out. If one parent was sick, the other one would still watch dd. When they traveled, I would take vacation time or make other arrangements for the kids while they were gone.

My girls, who are now 12 and 10, still go to my parents one day a week during their summer school break. The other two days we have a HS student watch them (we have known her for over 10 years). Now that my parents are older and move around less (my dad is 81 and my mom is 78), my girls now take care of stuff around their house on the day they are there. They help clean, pull weeds, polish stuff, shredd papers, or just help with general stuff for my parents. My girls love it. They love spending time with my parents and I know my parents love spending time with them.

I was very close to my grandparents (on my mom side, my dad's died when I was very young). I was even really close to my great grandmother who lived until I was 23. My grandparents helped my parents (my mom was a sahm until I was around 12 or so). I cherish those memories.

I am also one who believes that my life does not revolve around my kids. I play bunco once a month and belong to a book club. My husband and I go out at least once or twice a month to reconnect with each other. It is easier now since we can leave the girls and go out to eat locally, since the 12 year old babysits. I just don't get the have to be with my kids 24/7. What is so amazing are that my kids, despite my desire to be something other than just a mom, are really great kids

Stacy