Money Fights Predict Divorce Rates

[mariolatry]

Who is earning the paychecks? If it is him and you're giving him an "allowance," something seems terribly wrong about that setup.

Actually, this is common in a lot of cultures. My husband is first generation Korean-American and this is the norm with his family (and ours!) I think the belief is that since the woman is responsible for the household expenses, she should control the household's money.

It also works well for our personality style. He likes not having to worry about bills and money. I'm a control freak. Everyone's happy.

 

[bumbershoot]

Who is earning the paychecks? If it is him and you're giving him an "allowance," something seems terribly wrong about that setup.

If they are happy with it, there's nothing wrong at all.

My husband, when we were still boyfriend/girlfriend, said the following...."your money is your money, and my money is your money". That's how he felt. I have *never* taken advantage of it, and he has sometimes taken my stress over "where is our money going" as "you (DH) are spending it all", which hasn't been the correct way to take what I've said, but he is HAPPY to have me in charge of everything.

The *only* sticky spot with it has been *how much* "blow" money (Dave Ramsey's term) we get and what it covers and doesn't cover (for instance, do clothes come out of that or not?). We finally worked that out and things are perfect!

Actually, this is common in a lot of cultures. My husband is first generation Korean-American and this is the norm with his family (and ours!) I think the belief is that since the woman is responsible for the household expenses, she should control the household's money.

Not a surprise...hubby is half Korean!

Now...it didn't really work for his mom and dad. His dad was a sneak through and through; DH's grandfather was a drunk and a gambler (and spouse abuser), and FIL didn't fall far from that tree. So he snuck money from the family finances, and MIL could tell that was happening, so SHE snuck money from the family finances. But then they both tried to "keep up with the joneses", only in their case the joneses was what they were *supposed to be making*, and FIL died 3 years ago, having stolen (forged her sig) 20K from MIL's life insurance policy, having not paid taxes on his income or his pensions (he was a contractor so had NOTHING taken from his checks), and having not filed taxes for 6 years. She had sunk her cash into things that will *never* be paid back but she oculdn't complain about it b/c that would be admitting that she'd snuck that money out. She has furs (that can't be sold b/c she practically marinates them in mothballs), she has jewelry (that she won't sell b/c they have memories, and honestly they are probably fakes b/c he just wasn't making that much money and she never had them insured)...and she's paying the IRS and living in a tiny apartment.

But her sisters all do it that way, but they are in Korea and married fellow Koreans...no nasty situations like MIL and FIL happening...




BAck to the article. I think that the *style* of fighting makes a difference. I think that the number of fights can make a difference. And so if money is a stressor, it can lead to more fights, and if the fights are "bad" fights with no groundrules, I think that can lead to and be a sign of deep problems. But it's not purely money...

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Who is earning the paychecks? If it is him and you're giving him an "allowance," something seems terribly wrong about that setup.

What's wrong with it? As long as both members of the couple are okay with the arrangement. Some people know they're bad with finances and appreciate their partner doing the lion's share of the budgeting. I've done the 'allowance' thing with my DH before, but it didn't work all that well for us. Instead, he now knows if he wants to buy something $50 or greater he needs to ask me first and I'll tell him whether or not he can do it. He knows by now that if he really wants something, I make sure he'll get it eventually. All I do is put a damper on his immediate gratification fix. Meanwhile, he never has to worry that his mortgage or other bills are paid on time.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

What's wrong with it? As long as both members of the couple are okay with the arrangement. Some people know they're bad with finances and appreciate their partner doing the lion's share of the budgeting. I've done the 'allowance' thing with my DH before, but it didn't work all that well for us. Instead, he now knows if he wants to buy something $50 or greater he needs to ask me first and I'll tell him whether or not he can do it. He knows by now that if he really wants something, I make sure he'll get it eventually. All I do is put a damper on his immediate gratification fix. Meanwhile, he never has to worry that his mortgage or other bills are paid on time.

Seriously, my husband would DIE!
My husband has come home with a new car and I didn't know about it until I pulled into the garage. Whatever he wants to do with his money is fine by me. I cannot imagine Alan calling me when he wants to buy a pair of shoes, or a suit - heck some video games are $50.

 

[Planogirl]

DH and I butted heads for years about this. He always made most of the money but he had no interest in budgeting or even paying bills. He's get around to it but he usually had no idea where his money went.

He finally relented and I took over all of the bill paying. He feels better since then and has asked why he didn't just turn it all over before. As for his own money, he has a side job (his choice- he loves to work and did so from a young age I'm told) so that is just his and I don't interfere. Works for us!

 

[eliza61]

DH is a spender, I'm not. We fight about it when things get tight, which is often these days with me in school. He is already itching to buy a bigger house and a new car when I graduate and start working. I dread the thought of having to buy a new car because I like not having the payment right now. So when graduation comes, we will likely have a knock-down drag-out fight (not literally, but I'll feel that way when it's done). Money is the only thing we fight about it. I know the root cause isn't really the money, but more about what it represents for us. Is it control, status, independence? I don't know, but I wish I could figure it out. My mom and dad divorced when I was young, and they both said it was over money disagreements.

So why not start trying to compromise now. It's not a "all or nothing" proposition. Don't dig in your heels before you even attempt to solve the problem. Instead of thinking of money as a way to "control" each other try thinking of it as a tool to get common goals.

 

[ScottOKW2K]

But she doesn't take my hints. She sees no problem with me walking around with my pant pockets in the inside out position. Very embarrassing in the malls

Maybe she thinks it's just your "personal style."

 

[manning]

Maybe she thinks it's just your "personal style."

The last time I asked for money she gave me a tin cup, a dozen pencils and drove me to the nearest major intersection.

 

[turkeymama]

So why not start trying to compromise now. It's not a "all or nothing" proposition. Don't dig in your heels before you even attempt to solve the problem. Instead of thinking of money as a way to "control" each other try thinking of it as a tool to get common goals.

While I agree with your post, for DH, it is "all or nothing".

A few years ago, he traded in his big gas guzzling truck to save us money (his idea, not mine, he was commuting 200 miles per day for work). He searched high and low and ended up with a car that actually cost more. The only savings came in on the amount of gas it used. He could have chosen a more sensible vehicle, but he is very much a "status and appearances" person. By the time we pay the higher note and higher insurance, the fuel savings are nil. But he has his small, sporty car AND he sank $3000 into a stereo before he had the courtesy to let me know. This is why we fight.

So I'm not sure where or when it started, but this is the way things go. And over the years, we are discovering more and more that our financial goals aren't quite the same. He sees money as a tool to get bigger homes and nicer cars. I see money as security. If there is money in the bank, he sees it as fair game. I look at it as a security blanket. I don't know if I've always done it, but you're right, I do dig my heels in now. We've been married for 11 1/2 years.

 

[manning]

While I agree with your post, for DH, it is "all or nothing".

He could have chosen a more sensible vehicle, but he is very much a "status and appearances" person.
.

Your husband should hear this. I heard it from my father when I was a kid. He was talking to a friend who always tried to keep up with the Jones.

"Trying to keep up with the Jones is a waste of time. They will never notice that you are trying because they are too busy trying...to keep up with the Jones."

The way your husband is going he will never grab the brass ring. He'll continue to go around in circles, but never grab the ring.

 

[Pakey]

I rue the day my husband discovered that real cash came out of those ATM's.

 

[eliza61]

While I agree with your post, for DH, it is "all or nothing".

A few years ago, he traded in his big gas guzzling truck to save us money (his idea, not mine, he was commuting 200 miles per day for work). He searched high and low and ended up with a car that actually cost more. The only savings came in on the amount of gas it used. He could have chosen a more sensible vehicle, but he is very much a "status and appearances" person. By the time we pay the higher note and higher insurance, the fuel savings are nil. But he has his small, sporty car AND he sank $3000 into a stereo before he had the courtesy to let me know. This is why we fight.

So I'm not sure where or when it started, but this is the way things go. And over the years, we are discovering more and more that our financial goals aren't quite the same. He sees money as a tool to get bigger homes and nicer cars. I see money as security. If there is money in the bank, he sees it as fair game. I look at it as a security blanket. I don't know if I've always done it, but you're right, I do dig my heels in now. We've been married for 11 1/2 years.

turkeymania,
you guys are so close to a solution you probably aren't seeing it. My dh and I are just like you guys (25 years this past October). So at this point, I'm going to inject that we are no way perfect and have done things with our money that should make us the poster children for stupidity. So these are definitely suggestion not advice. Money can actually be both security and a tool. Could you perhaps split down the middle? Say, you have $1000 bucks in the bank today. Tell him 500 is for "_______" and the other $500 is for savings. The money for savings will never be touched unless the earths core is exploding and we need it for the last transport to the moon.
then build from there. sure it may take longer to get the new house or the 9 months emergency savings but that's ok.

I just wanted to encourage you to try. Me and Dh always had radically different money philosophy's. He had a rough childhood so he views money as security and control. I more of the spender. You can find money "peace"

Good luck.

 

[RitaZ.]

UGH! I come here to escape my horrible social research methods class! What are you trying to do - drive me off a cliff?

That's exactly what I thought when I read that line. I can still hear my professor saying, "Correlation does not imply causation."

 

[turkeymama]

turkeymania,
you guys are so close to a solution you probably aren't seeing it. My dh and I are just like you guys (25 years this past October). So at this point, I'm going to inject that we are no way perfect and have done things with our money that should make us the poster children for stupidity. So these are definitely suggestion not advice. Money can actually be both security and a tool. Could you perhaps split down the middle? Say, you have $1000 bucks in the bank today. Tell him 500 is for "_______" and the other $500 is for savings. The money for savings will never be touched unless the earths core is exploding and we need it for the last transport to the moon.
then build from there. sure it may take longer to get the new house or the 9 months emergency savings but that's ok.

I just wanted to encourage you to try. Me and Dh always had radically different money philosophy's. He had a rough childhood so he views money as security and control. I more of the spender. You can find money "peace"

Good luck.

Thanks. I think I'll couple your suggestions with the one my sister gave me. She suggested that I write out a plan with DH (for example, a 3 year plan or a 5 year plan) for paying off student loans, cars, etc. That way he could actually visualize the progress we're making toward our achievement, whether its savings or a new toy or a vacation. He could also see that I'm not withholding money from him, but rather paying it toward goals that we make together. He has never been interested in looking at the actual finances. If I can get him over that hurdle, I think we probably are closer to a solution like you said.