Momzilla-of-the-bride...UPDATE post 17

[Jennasis]

I'm at a loss for words to help my sister on this. My mom can be overbearing but I never imagined she'd turn into one of those crazy momzillas when it comes to wedding planning. Especially since she handled herself so well when I planned my first wedding and my second (MUCH smaller) wedding. My older sister is getting married (for the second time) and planning a lovely low key beach thing.

My mom has lost her dang mind! She is absolutely running rough-shod over my sister and her fiance in regards to the wedding. I won't bore with ALL the crazy, just the latest. My sister had decided she wasn't going to "do" a traditional wedding cake. She was just going to order a couple of sheet cakes from Sam's Club. This was partially to save money since they are paying for most of the wedding , and it was partially becasue my sister didn't want a traditional cake (being a second wedding) or the hassle of picking a design.

Mom FREAKS OUT over the idea of sheet cakes at a wedding...as though it made my sister and her fiance look like knuckle dragging cave men or something. So my sister's BFF offers to make cupcakes (for free. Now this friend isn't a pro but she has done several weddings before with super fancy cupcakes all decorated like you see in the hoity toity mags. My sister loves the idea and says YES!

Mom freaks out again. "WHAT?? Homemade Cupcakes at a wedding?? Are we in kindergarten?". Reduces my sister to tears.

Then I find out that my sister, in an effort to keep the peace and her sanity tells my mom "Fine. We'll order a cake. But I don't want to spend over $250". Mom scoffs at her and says she (mom) will pay for it.

So I find out that yesterday my mom and the groom's mom (thick as thieves those two) went out wedding cake shopping last night. They chose the baker, the flavors, the design...everything. WITHOUT THE BRIDE OR GROOM. It's a done deal.

My sister is so worn down from the nagging and stuff that she has crumpled like a house of cards. She'd got work related stress (may lose her job) and stress dealing with the fiance's ex, so she just doesn't have it in herself to fight. I think my mom knows this and that's why she's turned.

I'm so disgusted by it all, but I am 600 miles away and can't help. I'm arriving in NY for the wedding in 3 weeks (a week before the event) so i don't think I'll be able to mitigate much damage. I've tried talking to my mom on the phone about her intrusive and downright rude behavior, but she IS an ogre and very difficult to deal with.

I guess I'm not looking for advice, just a place to vent and maybe see who else deal twith an overbearing MOB/MOG during their planning.

MOm also gave my sister grief over her choice of dress (not "bride-y" enough) causing my sister to have to pick a different one.

Sister didn't want flowers/bouquet. Mom bought one anyway ("just for pictures"...ps, sister does NOT want posed photos or to carry the stupid bouquet)

Sister wanted centerpieces a certain way. Mom swoops in and starts buying all this extra stuff for them that sister didn't want.

Mom told caterer to "Just ignore her (bride). Deal with me" (even though sis is paying for the caterer...it was the caterer who alerted my sister to this).


I want to pull my hair out...or mom's hair out!

 

[Rora]

Sounds like my mom during my wedding. I was about ready to elope (and still wish I had!). My heart breaks for your sister. It really really sucks when a parent or loved one does this during a time that's supposed to be joyus. I'm sure your mom only has good intentions but I hope she realizes she's only hurting your sister and pushing her away (I speak from experience..).

I think you're doing the right thing though! This is tough on you too. Hang in there and help your sister and her DFi enjoy their day, no matter how many times Mom tries to make a fuss.

 

[3prettyprincesses]

Oh lordy, I feel terrible for your poor sister. Weddings can bring out the worst in some folks, especially those related to the bride/groom!

Maybe you should call your sister and tell her that since your mom won't let her have cupcakes, she should just hand out lollipops instead to the guests. You know, since cupcakes are so kindergarten! Actually, I think cupcakes sounds like a great idea and the fancy ones are so pretty. Besides, who's going to turn down one? Nobody I know.

It's a shame that your sister has to deal with this added stress. She's probably wishing she and her fiance could hop a plane to Vegas. However, if it were me, I'd put mom in her place firmly. I'd tell her that it's my wedding and that a friend offered to make wedding appropriate cupcakes so that's what we're having, period. Then I'd let her rant and rave all she wants and at the end, still insist on the cupcakes.

When DH and I got married, we payed for nearly the whole wedding ourselves. And we were both graduating college while working full time. So we just didn't have a lot of $ nor were any family offering to help out. Totally fine. But here's the kicker. My step-mom freaked out because all we were offering guests were hors d'oeuvres (sp?). Granted it was alot of them, plenty of variety plus a gorgeous wedding cake to eat as well. She plainly berated DH and I saying that we couldn't ask people to come from out of town and not have a sit down meal. I said great, break out your checkbook and I'll call the caterer! She backed down real quick after that but I know she was disgusted. What was ironic is that my relatives all loved the food and said the cake especially was some of the best they'd ever had at a wedding. That made me feel better. I hope your sister is able to hold her ground and enjoy her special day. It's her and her fiance's day, not their moms. Good luck!

 

[SeaShelley]

Your sister should just grab her DF and go elope.....take whatever money they are putting toward the wedding and just go......

 

[SaraJayne]

Your sister should just grab her DF and go elope.....take whatever money they are putting toward the wedding and just go......

I agree with this. Tell her to take her DF and run away to a resort somewhere, so she can still have the beach wedding she wants ~ without all the hassle.

Your poor sister. I'm so glad my Mom and MIL let us plan *our* wedding and were okay with everything we chose. Even if they weren't, they let us believe they were.

 

[minkydog]

This isn't your fight. Don't get me wrong, but your sister's problem isn't your mother. It's her. What I'm seeing is that your mom throws a tantrum and rather than stand up to her, your sister just gives in to her. She's not getting the wedding she wants because she's willing to let Mama run her show. The only way to get out of it is to say "Stop! This is my wedding and I will make the decisions." Then she needs to stop including your mom in her plans, since Mom can't mind her manners. Of course, this all assumes that she hasn't asked your mom to foot the bill for the *second* wedding. If she has, then I can kinda see how your mom feels that Sis "owes" her. Even so, it's not right.

My mother can be quite over-bearing. She decided she wanted to be at my the birth of my sister's first baby because she worked in the delivery room at the hospital where DSis was giving birth. Mother completely took over, bossing the nurses around, turning up the pitocin(!) and barging into the delivery like she owned the place. My sister just passively let her do all this and just lay there embarrassed. After the delivery it didn't get any better. Mother insisted on "helping" DSis breastfeed, checked her stomach and her stitches and generally was invasive. Sis was mortified, but she let mom do it. She was so embarrassed by my mother's behavior that she sent Pizza to the nurses with an apology!

When I got married we paid for the wedding ourselves. I planned to whole thing myself. About a week before the wedding my mother found out that we didn't have a soloist--DH had a major difference of opinion on the music and ultimately decided to go without a singer. My mother hit the ceiling. "You HAVE to have a soloist. What kind of wedding is this?!" Um, a wedding without a soloist. She didn't much like anything else, including my husband. I didn't share anything else with her.

 

[Jennasis]

This isn't your fight. Don't get me wrong, but your sister's problem isn't your mother. It's her. What I'm seeing is that your mom throws a tantrum and rather than stand up to her, your sister just gives in to her. She's not getting the wedding she wants because she's willing to let Mama run her show. The only way to get out of it is to say "Stop! This is my wedding and I will make the decisions." Then she needs to stop including your mom in her plans, since Mom can't mind her manners. Of course, this all assumes that she hasn't asked your mom to foot the bill for the *second* wedding. If she has, then I can kinda see how your mom feels that Sis "owes" her.

My mother can be quite over-bearing. She decided she wanted to be at my the birth of my sister's first baby because she worked in the delivery room at the hospital where DSis was giving birth. Mother completely took over, bossing the nurses around, turning up the pitocin(!) and barging into the delivery like she owned the place. My sister just passively let her do all this and just lay there embarrassed. After the delivery it didn't get any better. Mother insisted on "helping" DSis breastfeed, checked her stomach and her stitches and generally was invasive. Sis was mortified, but she let mom do it. She was so embarrassed by my mother's behavior that she sent Pizza to the nurses with an apology!

When I got married we paid for the wedding ourselves. I planned to whole thing myself. About a week before the wedding my mother found out that we didn't have a soloist--DH had a major difference of opinion on the music and ultimately decided to go without a singer. My mother hit the ceiling. "You HAVE to have a soloist. What kind of wedding is this?!" Um, a wedding without a soloist. She didn't much like anything else, including my husband. I didn't share anything else with her.

I agree with you and I'm actually stumped why my sister is caving. usually she is the one who has no problem stepping up to my mother and standing her ground. But I gather (from sis) that there is a LOT of other stress besides the wedding going on right now, so she said it isn't worth the fight.

It's just maddening to ME, to watch my mom. My sister is at the "I just don't care anymore" point. You know...where the eyes glaze over all lifeless. Breaks my heart. And I HATE that my mom is getting her way.

 

[lovesmurfs]

Your sister should just grab her DF and go elope.....take whatever money they are putting toward the wedding and just go......

 

[mbfqueen]

Like you, I am at a loss of words!

 

[C.Ann]

I feel so sorry for your sister.. And your mom should be ashamed of herself!

While I agree with a previous poster who said your sister should just stand up to mom and tell her to "butt out", I also know what it's like to be under so much stress that you just sit back and kind of let life unfold in front of you..

If it will be less stressful for your sister, the best she can do now is to let mom go ahead and change, rearrange, and plan anything that mom is going to pay for out of her own pocket and just try to live with it.. However, if she is changing something that your sis and her future DH are paying for, somehow she is going to have to dig up the strength to draw a line in the sand..

It's sad - that a mom would intentionally ruin her own daughter's wedding..

 

[stm61]

one of my teaching assistants got engaged Fri night. By Sun night, her mother had ordered matching flower girl dresses for her granddaughters and the groom's daughter. She decided that her live-in boyfriend and his 16 yr old daughter should be in the wedding. When my asst. stood up to her (they want a small 2nd wedding, they've both been married previously), mom informed her she would rather die then come to the wedding if her boyfriend and his daughter, who lives far away, are not in the wedding. I said something similar to another poster, live together and get married on your schedule. Call her a day or 2 before and tell her where to be at what time. If she comes fine, if not, that's her choice. I am SO grateful that my mother didn't do anything but show up when and where I told her to for both of my weddings!

 

[bgirldeb]

Your sister should just grab her DF and go elope.....take whatever money they are putting toward the wedding and just go......

I agree with this.

There's still time! She could have a reception/ get together when they get back...

 

[Jennasis]

I told her to elope in the first place!

We can all should/coulda/woulda till the cows come home, but it has to be their decision (Bride and groom). I would be thrilled for them whether I was there to see them wed, or if they sent me a postcard. I just want my sister to be happy. If she wanted me to wear a gunnysack and no shoes, I'd do it because it made the bride happy.

One decision they made that went over well was the invitations. They made them themselves using snapfish. It was a simple, folded card with a beach photo on the front and personalized stuff on the inside. They never showed my mom or asked her opinion. Mom didn't know a thing about the invites until she got one in the mail! I'm told she was polite about them, but upset that she hadn't been included in picking them out.

 

[java]

My mom tried to do that at my wedding. We were paying for it all ourselves. When she started trying to run the show I gave her 2 decisions she could make- one the cake (disaster) and 2 the 6 friends I let her invite.

 

[eliza61]

Your sister should just grab her DF and go elope.....take whatever money they are putting toward the wedding and just go......

Another vote for elopement. Who needs the headache. We get so caught up in the "wedding ceremony" that we forget what it's actually about.

I know a girl who's mom did this to her, she and her fiancee got married 2 weeks before the ceremony with only 1 friend each as a witness and then simply went through the ceremony to please mom. They celebrate the earlier date as an anniversary.

 

[scottishduffy]

Elope. Seriously... My mother did the same thing when I married and I ended up hating my wedding. I couldn't stop her, the only thing I could do was just learn to forgive her and let go of my resentment after the fact. She has always been a good mom and outside of that one crazy year.... we have a good relationship, but it took awhile to get over.

I had one wish for my wedding: NO BEACH THEME.

The wedding ended up being a beach theme all around. She changed my bouquet behind my back because she didn't like Lilies.... she wanted gardenias. She had my dress hemmed a size too small to encourage me to lose weight. So she said, she didn't want to be embarassed by a fat daughter (I was a size 4-6 at that time!!!). She changed readings I had picked for the ceremony (only found that out DURING the ceremony). I had no retaliation, my parents paid for the wedding so I really had no leg to stand on as per any requests I had.

I managed to keep my husband from seeing my dress ahead of time, thanks to bridesmaids blocking my Mom. We also picked our own cake, but that was it. My mother had informed me that the wedding was her party and I was just meant to be a pretty centerpiece. So I had better put on a good show and not embarass her!

Hated the wedding, have a wonderful marriage. Your Sister can either decide to elope or find a way to let go and forgive. Wedding make people crazy... so maybe your sis should have a mental snap and have a beach wedding with no one but her and her hubby!

(Hopefully I can re-do my wedding on our 10th anniversary to finally have something I like with my friends in attendance)

 

[Jennasis]

well, the plot thickens...for the better.

Mom called me this afternoon and I could tell she was itching to say something. I asked her how the cake shopping went and she launched into a whole spiel about why she was just doing something nice and sister doesn't really care about the cake.

So I gave mom BOTH BARRELS....in a kind way. I told her it was NOT her wedding nor her place to make such decisions. If the bride wants to have Hostess Twinkies in lieu of a cake, well dang it, she gets Twinkies. I told mom I know she was just trying to make it nice...but it was MOM's version of nice, not the bride's.

Mom then called my sister and said cupcakes would be lovely. My sister called me to thank me and is actually excited about cupcakes.

Then my younger PITA sister called to give me grief for stirring up trouble with mom. I don't give a hoot. It's not mom's party. All I care about is whether the bride is happy (and to a lesser extent, the groom).

I never intended to be the white knight here, but when mom brought it up, I couldn't keep quiet knowing how upset my sister was.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

Ohhh yeah. My mom had her share of those momzilla moments. I was just happy to get married, and she wanted all these things HER way... ugh. She already had 2 weddings!! Not my fault they weren't quite what she wanted.

Muahahaa... in maybe 5-6 years we'll do a little VR with just DH, me, and our kidlets.

I agree, your sis should just elope.

 

[Scurvy]

well, the plot thickens...for the better.

Mom called me this afternoon and I could tell she was itching to say something. I asked her how the cake shopping went and she launched into a whole spiel about why she was just doing something nice and sister doesn't really care about the cake.

So I gave mom BOTH BARRELS....in a kind way. I told her it was NOT her wedding nor her place to make such decisions. If the bride wants to have Hostess Twinkies in lieu of a cake, well dang it, she gets Twinkies. I told mom I know she was just trying to make it nice...but it was MOM's version of nice, not the bride's.

Mom then called my sister and said cupcakes would be lovely. My sister called me to thank me and is actually excited about cupcakes.

Then my younger PITA sister called to give me grief for stirring up trouble with mom. I don't give a hoot. It's not mom's party. All I care about is whether the bride is happy (and to a lesser extent, the groom).

I never intended to be the white knight here, but when mom brought it up, I couldn't keep quiet knowing how upset my sister was.

I just found this thread and I was feeling so awful for your sister. You did a good thing. I hate hearing stories about brides who end up with weddings they don't want because there's someone they can't or won't stand up to. Your sister is lucky to have you fighting for her. I hope the rest of the planning is easier after this and that she and her fiance have the perfect wedding for them!

 

[3prettyprincesses]

well, the plot thickens...for the better.

Mom called me this afternoon and I could tell she was itching to say something. I asked her how the cake shopping went and she launched into a whole spiel about why she was just doing something nice and sister doesn't really care about the cake.

So I gave mom BOTH BARRELS....in a kind way. I told her it was NOT her wedding nor her place to make such decisions. If the bride wants to have Hostess Twinkies in lieu of a cake, well dang it, she gets Twinkies. I told mom I know she was just trying to make it nice...but it was MOM's version of nice, not the bride's.

Mom then called my sister and said cupcakes would be lovely. My sister called me to thank me and is actually excited about cupcakes.

Then my younger PITA sister called to give me grief for stirring up trouble with mom. I don't give a hoot. It's not mom's party. All I care about is whether the bride is happy (and to a lesser extent, the groom).

I never intended to be the white knight here, but when mom brought it up, I couldn't keep quiet knowing how upset my sister was.

Well, aren't you just the most fabulous sister in the world! Good for you and how nice that it's worked out. I think cupcakes are a great idea. Although twinkies does sound nice...