Mistake?

[Frozenfingers]

Last year we invited DD15's best friend tojoin us at WDW, she need only provide airfare and spending money. Plenty of notice, but her parents declined. cited they couldn't justify spending that much on one kid with so little notice (3 months).. Not totaly without understanding, they have five kids, one of which is seriously ill and spends more time in the hospital than at home, so it seems. (but really.. turned down for the cost of a plane ticket? little shortsighted on my part) The girls are now 16.

Anyway, last week we extended the invitation (via mail) again for June 05, as an early graduation present for the girl. We said that we would pick up all but spending money. (well, a reasonalble amount for airfare.. if we can't afford our tickets, we wouldnt buy any). Figured 14 months advance notice should be enough time, but gave them till May 1 to decide.. we are DVCers and need to have a gameplan in place by June if they say no again. DW says we WILL go next June regardless, and I listen to her!!

The only stipulations are her own spending money, and she and DD plan the vacation, to include what they wanted to do the middle weekend off property. 11 days in Florida.. Carte Blanche, (within reason).. a trip of a lifetime for the girls..we hope. And we all know what fun it is to plan and anticipate a trip, right? (This actually reinforces a school assignment where they had to plan a cross country trip) The girl works also, and could have worse goals than saving for a trip to WDW.. She will be 17 by this time..

Now, DD says her friends younger sibs are giving her a very hard time because they want to go too.. and they feel it is "unfair that she be allowed to go". One of the reasons we want her to go, is she will unlikely ever have the chance to go with her family.. I think church mice have more disposable income than her parents. . And, what kid wouldn't want to go to WDW? Not sure how the sibs found out about it so soon, that was one reason we mailed the letter, so only the adults would be privy.

Have DW and I erred in offering this opportunity to DD's friend? Should we have just left well enough alone and not invited sibling ******* for the parents to deal with too? They got a pretty full plate already.. The invitation is already out there so nothing can be done about that. Just not sure we didn't do evil with a golden intent.

If the situation was reversed, I don't think I could NOT allow my daughter this opportunity, especially if she were willing to save for a year to go.. and that she will be 17 years old. I'm beginning to think we put the parents in a lousy spot. Maybe we are just anxious that they will say no, just not to deal with the littler kids.. Maybe we should just sit back and let the next month pass without comment?..

Thanks for listening.

 

[AreWeThereYet]

I don't think you've made a mistake - the gesture and offer are very generous and hopefully DD's friends parents will take that into consideration when they make their decision on whether or not to allow her to go on the trip. Also, since you have so much time before the trip, DD's friend should be able to earn and save some money for the trip and have a great time.

Hope it works out well.

Best wishes for a fantastic trip!

- AWTY

 

[Beth E. (NJ)]

I don't think you made a mistake. You made a very nice offer. It's up to the girl's parents to handle the siblings and make the decision.

If she doesn't get to go I would offer to go in her place.

 

[GoofItUp]

Your offer is very generous and you should certainly NOT feel bad about extending it. If one of the younger siblings wins an award at school, should he/she not accept it since the others can't have it, also? Each child is an individual and will have/earn things that the others will not. If the parents don't let their daughter go to WDW because the others are jealous, then I truly feel sorry for their daughter. JMO.

 

[christinadei]

I agree that you did the right thing. Every kid deserves a change to go to Disney and if her parents are unable to take them, they should be happy that their daughter has a chance to go for practically nothing. If they don't want to give her the money, they can give her the next year to earn it, that's fair enough. Besides, you can't have 5 children and expect each one of them to get exactly what each other one has. Life isn't like that and if the parents try to make it that way, they will all be in for a hard life. I wonder if maybe the parents are a little overprotective and are worried about their daughter going so far away for so long? Who knows, but just leave it up to them now and if she goes, great, if not, you guys will still have a great time or maybe your daughter can ask someone else to go. We wend to grad nite, universal, bush gardens and blizzard beach for our high school trip and its an awesome age to go with friends. I hope her parents let her go.

 

[disneyatl]

I agree with the everyone else. I think you've made a very generous offer and can't expect to invite the other siblings. We are also in the same boat this year. We've invited a friend of my DD (both are 10). The friend has two sisters, both older, but still the same thing. One of her sisters is bummed that she isn't able to go but we can't take everyone. I also remember as a kid being invited by my friends on their vacations. I don't think my parents felt bad that my siblings weren't able to go. You're doing the right thing so don't you feel like it was a mistake either.

 

[Frozenfingers]

thanks for the words of encouragement guys.. sometimes one just needs to validate ones feelings and actions.

Strange as it is, it really does boil down to sibling rivalry., and lack of cash flow. As mentioned before, the youngest is quite ill. It is a house rule that NO gifts or presents come into the house unless the youngest also gets a gift. They are a close family, don't do much, but do it together! The dynamics are hard to descriibe, and their decisions are not always congruent

Well, we have removed as many obsticles as we can for the parents. The girls will be 17 by the time they go.. seems like a no brainer. Somewhere in the next 31 days, we will have an answer

So Beth E. do you snore?

 

[zurgswife]

We did a similar offer to my DD 12's friend...her dad is a minister she has 5 brothers and sisters and most of the disposble(is there such a thing with a minister) goes to one of her older sisters as she is a prima ballerina....any how...it took a bit of pushing on my part to make the parents realize how great it was for there dd to be able to go.... They weren't sure about us paying for it...and what about the other kids...

I'm glad I pushed, the girls had the trip of their lives.....

 

[Beth E. (NJ)]

No snoring here!

The no present or gift rule surprised me. Makes me wonder how they handle birthdays for their other children. guess that means they don't have birthday parties for their kids because would they expect their other children's friends to buy gifts for the youngest child.

 

[Frozenfingers]

Yup! we buy two gifts each year.. and DD buys him a cheepo souvineer each trip to WDW, because she gets charms for her friends bracelet.. No way are the gifts equal in value from any of us.. just respecting their rules for my DDs sake. We really don't socialize so I can't speak for what the other kid's friends do.. We don't feel taken advantage of and I certainly don't feel guilty if I forget (what are they going to say, really.. our DDs can't be friends because we forgot to buy her brother a gift??)

That is one reason I suggested she plan and save for a minimum of 30 bucks a day for gifts, souvineers, snacks, personal needs, etc... basically have at least 300 bucks spending money. She will be expected to bring home hansome gifts for her siblings.

I guess I will feel real bad about her missing this opportunity, cuz she is a great kid. But, I just don't see myself pushing the parents on this.. gave them the invite, twice.. not going to shove ourselves where we are not wanted.. I probably wouldn't appreciate anyone else shoving their nose in my business either.

 

[MamaTink]

You are a very generous person You did the right thing. Remember you can only control your behavior, not that of others. I hope the child gets to go with you.
The gift rule is something else, though. While I understand their motives (the little one has enough sorrow and pain in her life that they want to do as much as possible for her), I think they are doing the wrong thing. As hard as it is to be sick, this is the way her life is. I say help her as much as possible, be empathetic to a point but then the child needs to be treated as normally as possible. Otherwise, she will grow up to believe she is entitled to use her illness to get whatever she wants. That is a terrible life lesson for her to learn.
Good luck. I will put both kids and the family in my prayers.

 

[disneyjunkie]

Maybe the parents feel bad that they aren't able to take the kids to disney themselves.

I think your offer is very generous. If I had more than one child and someone offered to take only one, I'd say no.

Several years before my son and I took our first trip to WDW one of my students grandmother wanted to take him to disney with her. She knew I really wanted to take him but money was a huge issue at that time. As much as I wanted him to go and I knew he would love it, I said no. The reason I refused was because I wanted to experience my son's first WDW trip with him. My son was 5 at that time. It took 4 longs years, and moving back to NY before I was able to take him to disney. It took us a while to make that trip happen, but we got to do it together.

I didn't go to disney as a child. I was 33 on my first trip to the world, but during that week I was a 9 year old kid. I don't think I missed out on anything by not going when I was a child.

I don't think kids "deserve" to go to disney.

 

[Lorix2]

I was thinking the way Disneyjunkie is describing (BTW, I would have said no also because 5 is too young to be away from mom so far away).

Maybe they feel embarrassed that they cannot do this on their own as a family, as appreciative as they may be about your offer, maybe it's a just a matter of stubborn pride. But I agree that this would be a wonderful opportunity for the teens to have.

Do you know the parents well? I know I'd be on the fence if the offer came to my DD and I didn't know the other's parents well enough to make a decision easily.

You definitely have extended a generous offer and I hope her parents will reconsider. She shouldn't not be allowed because her siblings cannot go, I'm speechless about that one.

Hope it works out for the girls

 

[MomE@Home]

I wonder if this girl's parents know about Give Kids the World Village near WDW or Make A Wish Foundation ?
They would ALL be able to go to WDW for free. Here are links to the web sites: http://www.gktw.org (Give Kids the World Village) and http://www.wish.org/ (Make A Wish Foundation).

I think it's wonderful that you want to take your DD's friend !

We are taking my DS's friend with us on our next trip to WDW. He would not be able to go otherwise as money is very tight for his family. The father of our DS's friend thanked us for asking his son to go-he thinks it's great. Our DS's friend has a younger brother too and there is not a problem between them over the trip.

 

[Frozenfingers]

Thanks for the different points of view from everyone. The kids have been friends since meeting in kindergarden, it seems one or the other is always at each others homes. We don't socialize with the parents other than doorway conversations or at church. I doubt they would accept a dinner invitation if offered. The youngest child is adopted, and has serious health challenges (has had multiple surguries already). Mom is stay at home, caring for the kids, dad is a manager in local manuf. plant.. no question in our minds money is tight and opportunities few. I know the parents would love to take the kids to Florida, who wouldn't but unless they hit the lottery, it just won't happen. The youngest just isn't physically capable of the adventure anyway.

I edited a previous reply before posting, guess I shouldn't have. When I said their decisions weren't conguent, and hard to predict at times.. after they turned us down last time, shortly afterwards they allowed me to take her and DD to Minneapolis for the weekend. We had a great time at the amusement park, and certainly some memories were made there! Trust doesn't seem to enter into it,, (would you send your daughter on a weekend trip with her friend and her dad?) I didn't take any of the other kids on that trip.. but it is only 4 hours away or so.. I guess I consider that weekend a precident of sorts... not much difference really.. one is a 4 hour drive, the other is a 4 hour fly!

DDs friend also has some health challenges, if you call being a diabetic a challenge. Both myself and DW are RNs, but I doubt that we would ever need to manage her insulin, the kid is a whiz and knows more about it than we do!

We see this as a last opportunity for the kids.. DD has plans to head out to school (away from home) when she graduates, and although they will likely remain friends, time, distance and experiences change people and relationships. DW and I would like one of thier last childhood memories to be where they plan an incredible trip in detail together and then live the experience... A good memory for them to reflect upon 20 or 30 years down the road, when they wonder "what ever happened too...?" Maybe, just maybe it will spur them to visit us in the nursing home..

I too would have to think hard about allowing my pre teen kids to go on a trip such as this.. I think I may consider when they hit age 12 ro 13.. still a lot of responsibility for the vacationing parents, but we are talking about "young adults" here, a year away moving away from home.. and making their own decisions. (That is a scary thought!) It is a gift to our daughter too, just as much as it is a gift to their daughter. 30 days till the deadline...

Mamatink: thanks..

 

[Frozenfingers]

Thanks MomE@Home
I bookmarked the links and will share with the family when/if appropriate.

 

[Rapunsel]

I think that you are very generous and if the girls parents say no.. Than they are taking away one of the best 'adventures' that the girls could have together..

I'll keep them in my prayers.. I hope it all works out..

 

[memymomonica]

Have you thought of pointing out to the parents that it is a gift to your daughter too? They may be more apt to agree if they feel it isn't about charity etc. That your daughter had the choice to take a friend and she choose their daughter. Make sure to let them know how much you think of their daughter and praise their raising of her. Sometimes it helps to realize that they really did do a good job and they don't have to worry.

 

[JaxnBanditFan]

This post sure brought back some great memories. In "82 My best friends parents took me on my first trip to Disney. My parents could never afford to take us on family vacations growing up. I was 12 at the time I do have lots of great memories even though we havent remained friends. I dont think they know what kind of impact that has had on me mostly since Ive grown up and appreciate what they did for me. You can bet I will be trying to find an address to send them and Thank You note. Im sure i told them and i think about that trip every time we plan another one and try to take a friend for for my daughter who wouldnt be able to go with thier family.
BTW I didnt know anything about the trip until it was time to go. This was all discussed with my parents so I wouldnt be disapointed incase they said no.

What you are doing is great . I do hope she gets to make the trip.

 

[Frozenfingers]

Thanks for the input and support everyone. It has been over 3 weeks since the invite was received, still no word. DD did ask them if they received the letter, unfortunately they denied it (but with a smile).. Things ain't adding up,.. surely they know DD knew they received the letter when the sibs started acting up.. (we both have teen girls ya know!)

memymomonica: yes, in our two page letter, all was spelled out as to our motives.. we went at it from several angles: reward for her loyalty and friendship to our DD; and, as an incredible (and last) opportunity to both of them to make lifelong memories together. The main argument was that this was for the girls to share together..

So as not to risk totaly trampling their pride.. we offered an "early graduation present of $150 (or so) " towards an airline ticket.. and explained that we try purchase at $200-230. The door was left open to them to contribute should they want to.. but it is, and always was, our intent to pick up the entire fare.. as far as they would know, we got a deal, as we sometimes do.. as I still hope to come to think about it...

Just thinking back to our first trip to WDW and the exccitement in the kids.. thier first flight and looking at their faces as the airplane took off and they got the "feeling" in their stomaches.. the wonderment in their eyes at seeing a palm tree for the first time...those are great times. Don't know who will be more disappointed if she can't come, DW and I, or our DD....

17 days to go till the deadline.. guess I shouldn't feel this anxious.. After all, I am the one who gave them 5 weeks tomake a decision...