Miscarriage....

[RachaelA]

Just being there and sympathetic is great advice. Sometimes people want to talk about it, sometimes they don't (I fell in the don't category for a while).

I will say I hate the whole, "well it was meant to be" line. Drives me crazy. Its so insensitive.

I think about half of my friends/family members have had at least one. And those are the ones I know about. Now, most have been very early (darn these early HPT's). One in four pregnancies end in m/c. Now, those close to the end of the first trimester are tough, but those 5 week m/c are to be expected. Back in the day, women didn't even know they might be pregnant. My first trimester babies were always maybe babies to me - knowing what I know, there was no way I was getting attached until at least 10 weeks, and I didn't tell more than a few people.

My sister had 2 back to back m/c at the 5 week mark - drove her nuts, because she is such a planner. I blame the dollar store HPT's - just stop testing so early!

So, although I have the greatest of sympathy for late first trimester m/c's, and some other first trimester m/c's (a friend had her last embryos from IVF implanted, and had a m/c at 8 weeks), I don't understand, with the one in four chance, that women are surprised that, after peeing on the stick the day before AF arrives, getting 2 lines, telling the whole world, and then getting AF a week later. It's statistics.

I knew the statistics, but that didn't make it any less painful. I didn't tell anyone. I knew getting 2 lines doesn't equal a baby in 9 months. But its hard when you are surrounded by women getting knocked up right and left without wanting to be, you in some way hold on to that hope that it'll be just as easy for you.

Plus not everyone talks about their miscarriages so you don't always know if the women around you have dealt with it before.

As for testing early, I chart my cycle. I use opks. Sometimes its hard not to test early. Some people need the charting to even have a chance.

 

[SpecialK]

I had two after my oldest was born, pretty far along into the first trimester. I was disappointed and sad, but it was never traumatic for me. Unlike some others, I took comfort in the explanation given by my doctor that, statistically, the majority of miscarriages occur because of a defect in the embryo. t just wasn't meant to be.

My point is, everyone reacts differently. I couldn't tell you the dates of the miscarriages and I rarely think about them. It's not traumatic for everyone, so you need to respect the individual's wishes regarding talking about it.

 

[mjkacmom]

As for testing early, I chart my cycle. I use opks. Sometimes its hard not to test early. Some people need the charting to even have a chance.

I was one who peed on the stick religiously, so I knew I was pregnant right away. When I got unexpectedly pregnant with #1, I was shocked but thrilled, and told everyone right away. Turns out 3 of my friends were pregnant at the same time. All 3 of them had a m/c. At the time, I had NO idea how common they were - no internet, no one talked about it. I worried like crazy for the rest of the 1st trimester. With the others, there was no way I was going to get excited early on - didn't want to deal with being sad or disappointed (although I admit I get more hopeful after seeing a heartbeat).

I think there is a difference between a woman who has several children, has a m/c, and gets pregnant a few months later, than a woman who has suffered from infertility for years, and who finally gets pregnant, and then has a m/c.

 

[ChiCat]

I do not have kids and I've never had a miscarriage but I've recently read Elizabeth McCracken's memoir An Exact Replica of a Figament of My Imagination, about her stillborn. It was eye opening for me, obviously I knew it had to be hard for a woman to go through it but there are a few things she talked about that I never would have considered.

Anywho, I'm just mentioning in case anyone here is interested in reading it. It was a very good book.

 

[Mikelly1221]

I think about half of my friends/family members have had at least one. And those are the ones I know about. Now, most have been very early (darn these early HPT's). One in four pregnancies end in m/c. Now, those close to the end of the first trimester are tough, but those 5 week m/c are to be expected. Back in the day, women didn't even know they might be pregnant. My first trimester babies were always maybe babies to me - knowing what I know, there was no way I was getting attached until at least 10 weeks, and I didn't tell more than a few people.

My sister had 2 back to back m/c at the 5 week mark - drove her nuts, because she is such a planner. I blame the dollar store HPT's - just stop testing so early!

So, although I have the greatest of sympathy for late first trimester m/c's, and some other first trimester m/c's (a friend had her last embryos from IVF implanted, and had a m/c at 8 weeks), I don't understand, with the one in four chance, that women are surprised that, after peeing on the stick the day before AF arrives, getting 2 lines, telling the whole world, and then getting AF a week later. It's statistics.

Honestly, I can't imagine a teacher telling parents about a first trimester pregnancy. I'd never tell my own kids!

This may be one of the most insensitive, callous posts I've seen. My 5 week miscarriage began a 4 year battle with infertility. At that point, we adopted DS...I didn't get pregnant again for another 3 years after that, a complete shock and surprise. For years, I was unable to talk about it for more than a few seconds without crying. In your eyes, it's my own fault for testing too early? Who made you in charge of when and how people grieve?

 

[andymattmom]

I think about half of my friends/family members have had at least one. And those are the ones I know about. Now, most have been very early (darn these early HPT's). One in four pregnancies end in m/c. Now, those close to the end of the first trimester are tough, but those 5 week m/c are to be expected. Back in the day, women didn't even know they might be pregnant. My first trimester babies were always maybe babies to me - knowing what I know, there was no way I was getting attached until at least 10 weeks, and I didn't tell more than a few people.

My sister had 2 back to back m/c at the 5 week mark - drove her nuts, because she is such a planner. I blame the dollar store HPT's - just stop testing so early!

So, although I have the greatest of sympathy for late first trimester m/c's, and some other first trimester m/c's (a friend had her last embryos from IVF implanted, and had a m/c at 8 weeks), I don't understand, with the one in four chance, that women are surprised that, after peeing on the stick the day before AF arrives, getting 2 lines, telling the whole world, and then getting AF a week later. It's statistics.

Honestly, I can't imagine a teacher telling parents about a first trimester pregnancy. I'd never tell my own kids!

Your remarks are a reason I posted this topic so people could discuss what NOT TO SAY OR HOW TO REACT. When you are pregnant...you are carrying a baby. I lost both mine mid-first trimester and they were and always will be babies. That is my belief. To say it was a 'maybe baby' is a very heartless statement to someone who has lost a baby...or after reading in this thread multiple (like the 11 one woman had).

I NEVER SAID THE TEACHER TOLD HER CLASS...she hadn't for your information. I found out because she had only told the teachers----and I happen to sub in that grade lots and was there when she was discussing. Her class just thought she was sick. Even if she did tell it is her business and no one else can judge her. Even after my first miscarriage I told right away when I was pregnant.

BTW....the 'maybe baby' you mention. My 2nd son --- when I was close to the end of my first trimester they said I was having a miscarriage because they couldn't find his heartbeat. I remember laying on that table at ultrasound place crying and coming home and seeing my husband who had to watch our 9 month old son. I was in tears.....for some reason my doctor didn't believe in D&C's so I didn't get 'roto rooted' as some callous people say. Two weeks later my 'maybe baby' hadn't passed so they checked my hormone levels. Well they had increased so they wanted another ultrasound. I came home crying happy tears after that one....there was a heartbeat. My 'maybe baby' who I was told wasn't there anymore was there....and I delivered a healthy beautiful boy one year to the date of my second miscarriage.

As said....we all view pregnancy differently but we need to be respectful. You are entitled to your view .... just don't call it a 'maybe baby' to one who has a miscarriage. Or tell them it wasn't meant to be.....

 

[andymattmom]

I was one who peed on the stick religiously, so I knew I was pregnant right away. When I got unexpectedly pregnant with #1, I was shocked but thrilled, and told everyone right away. Turns out 3 of my friends were pregnant at the same time. All 3 of them had a m/c. At the time, I had NO idea how common they were - no internet, no one talked about it. I worried like crazy for the rest of the 1st trimester. With the others, there was no way I was going to get excited early on - didn't want to deal with being sad or disappointed (although I admit I get more hopeful after seeing a heartbeat).

I think there is a difference between a woman who has several children, has a m/c, and gets pregnant a few months later, than a woman who has suffered from infertility for years, and who finally gets pregnant, and then has a m/c.

Really ..... you can rate the death of a baby based on how long it took to get pregnant. It is easier to go through a miscarriage if you already have children......REALLY??? It isn't......


I think of my little angels in HEAVEN as they watch over my two boys here...one day they will all meet.

 

[kirstenb1]

Your remarks are a reason I posted this topic so people could discuss what NOT TO SAY OR HOW TO REACT. When you are pregnant...you are carrying a baby. I lost both mine mid-first trimester and they were and always will be babies. That is my belief. To say it was a 'maybe baby' is a very heartless statement to someone who has lost a baby...or after reading in this thread multiple (like the 11 one woman had).

I NEVER SAID THE TEACHER TOLD HER CLASS...she hadn't for your information. I found out because she had only told the teachers----and I happen to sub in that grade lots and was there when she was discussing. Her class just thought she was sick. Even if she did tell it is her business and no one else can judge her. Even after my first miscarriage I told right away when I was pregnant.

BTW....the 'maybe baby' you mention. My 2nd son --- when I was close to the end of my first trimester they said I was having a miscarriage because they couldn't find his heartbeat. I remember laying on that table at ultrasound place crying and coming home and seeing my husband who had to watch our 9 month old son. I was in tears.....for some reason my doctor didn't believe in D&C's so I didn't get 'roto rooted' as some callous people say. Two weeks later my 'maybe baby' hadn't passed so they checked my hormone levels. Well they had increased so they wanted another ultrasound. I came home crying happy tears after that one....there was a heartbeat. My 'maybe baby' who I was told wasn't there anymore was there....and I delivered a healthy beautiful boy one year to the date of my second miscarriage.

As said....we all view pregnancy differently but we need to be respectful. You are entitled to your view .... just don't call it a 'maybe baby' to one who has a miscarriage. Or tell them it wasn't meant to be.....

I don't think Mjkac Mom would ever say that to someone who miscarried. I took her post to mean this is how she viewed her own pregnancies, early on. I tried to be fairly detached until I got out of the first trimester myself. I knew the statistics for miscarriage and really tried to contain my excitement until later in the pregnancy. Again, I would never say this to someone who miscarried. I had one miscarriage, and my heart really goes out to everyone who is grieving a losss.

 

[Abbie]

...really tried to contain my excitement until later in the pregnancy.

This was so true, for me at least. I remember being pregnant with my second child not long after the first miscarriage. I thought I was miscarrying again (bleeding and hcg levels dropped dramatically) and in fact was told I was, to go home and wait things out. It was such a sad time. Then they drew my levels one more time and the numbers were way back up again. They said I had most likely lost a twin. But let me tell you, for the rest of that pregnancy I had such a hard time accepting congratulations! I remember saying "well, we'll see"....I never allowed myself to believe it would really happen until well into the third trimester. It was sad not to be able to take unabridged joy in the coming baby when I just wasn't convinced it would happen.

 

[YodaGirl]

I think about half of my friends/family members have had at least one. And those are the ones I know about. Now, most have been very early (darn these early HPT's). One in four pregnancies end in m/c. Now, those close to the end of the first trimester are tough, but those 5 week m/c are to be expected. Back in the day, women didn't even know they might be pregnant. My first trimester babies were always maybe babies to me - knowing what I know, there was no way I was getting attached until at least 10 weeks, and I didn't tell more than a few people.

My sister had 2 back to back m/c at the 5 week mark - drove her nuts, because she is such a planner. I blame the dollar store HPT's - just stop testing so early!

So, although I have the greatest of sympathy for late first trimester m/c's, and some other first trimester m/c's (a friend had her last embryos from IVF implanted, and had a m/c at 8 weeks), I don't understand, with the one in four chance, that women are surprised that, after peeing on the stick the day before AF arrives, getting 2 lines, telling the whole world, and then getting AF a week later. It's statistics.

Honestly, I can't imagine a teacher telling parents about a first trimester pregnancy. I'd never tell my own kids!

Wow. Really?

Yeah. Spoken by someone with five kids and who has probably never had a miscarriage.

It took 8 years and two miscarriages to get DD and DS. Both of my miscarriages were first trimester.

You know getting into a car that you could get into a car wreck and die. Despite the fact that there are approximately 115 people (about one every 13 minutes) who die due to a wreck, people are still sad and upset when it happens.

Your post is absolutely ridiculous, and I sincerely hope that you never say something like that to the people in your life.

 

[JVL1018]

I *did* have a miscarriage, my first pregnancy, at 9 weeks.
I was upset, yes, but I definitely did not feel at all like I had a baby that died. Not even a little bit.
I was heartbroken because I was afraid, since this was my first pregnancy, that there was an issue with me and I would never be able to carry a baby to term.
It was the loss of a dream, not the loss of a baby, TO ME. So yes, if it has been in between the births of my children, it would have been less sad, for me. I would have known that i could have children, which was mymajor concern after the miscarriage.

My best friend just lost her full term son. One week prior to his due date. I cannot even compare that to the miscarriage I had.

That said, anyone I know that has had a miscarriage will get sympathy and love from me, because I don't know that everyone else would feel the way i felt about it.
Many of my friends have had miscarriages and *most* seem to be sad, but okay, not like they lost a child, but I would never assume that everyone feels that way.

Will they get a sympathy basket of food and cards and such from me like my best friend got for the loss of her baby? No. Because I really don't think of it like that. She had to go pick out a grave plot and bury her child.

But everyone deserves to be treated with kindness for any kind of loss. I can't imagine telling anyone that it was for the best or that there was probably something wrong with it, that's just cruel.
A simple I'm so sorry, let me know if you want to talk, and then listen.

 

[sweetdana]

When I went through a miscarriage June 3rd, (8 weeks along) after 3.5 yrs of trying to me it was a dead child. There are not other words that fit. Others may not have had a miscarriage think it is just a pregancy.. but to our family, it was a son/daughter and ours had a name. He had a bedroom, he had a birthday (ETA).

Thank God, I am currently now 17 weeks pregnant and everything should work out. And I pray nothing happens, though I am cautious. I would not consider the name of my other child. To this day I have not named this child I am pregnant with, probably some of it fear.

I was shocked as to how many women came to me and stated this had happen to them. I HAD NO IDEA. It is way more comman that I had realized. This helped a bunch! I guess in understanding ??
For those families who had not been through it there words were understandingly hurtful. It was meant to be, or you are better off not having a deformed kid, or you can just try again, at least it happen early, ect ect.. It was as if someone said oh sorry your mom died, but don't worry your dad can remarry and maybe you'll get another one.

In my family, it was a life changing exp, and with this one, my DD6 always askes me is my brother still alive, when I say yes, and she says but I still might not get a brother right. I answer yes, but every day we get closer to a bigger family.

I will pray for this teacher, as it is painful and I am so sorry.

 

[RachaelA]

mjkacmom, have you had a miscarriage? I'm really trying to give you the benefit of the doubt after having read your post again, but its really hard with how insensitive your post is.

 

[Buckeye Princess]

I think about half of my friends/family members have had at least one. And those are the ones I know about. Now, most have been very early (darn these early HPT's). One in four pregnancies end in m/c. Now, those close to the end of the first trimester are tough, but those 5 week m/c are to be expected. Back in the day, women didn't even know they might be pregnant. My first trimester babies were always maybe babies to me - knowing what I know, there was no way I was getting attached until at least 10 weeks, and I didn't tell more than a few people.

My sister had 2 back to back m/c at the 5 week mark - drove her nuts, because she is such a planner. I blame the dollar store HPT's - just stop testing so early!

So, although I have the greatest of sympathy for late first trimester m/c's, and some other first trimester m/c's (a friend had her last embryos from IVF implanted, and had a m/c at 8 weeks), I don't understand, with the one in four chance, that women are surprised that, after peeing on the stick the day before AF arrives, getting 2 lines, telling the whole world, and then getting AF a week later. It's statistics.

Honestly, I can't imagine a teacher telling parents about a first trimester pregnancy. I'd never tell my own kids!

I don't think this post is insensitive. Just as others have expressed their feelings on the matter so did she. She did not say anyone was wrong for feeling the way they do, just that she did not personally understand it.

My best friend has an early miscarriage. She shared a similar view to mjkacmom. She was a little sad, but for her she honestly felt like it was "for the best" and "for a reason". The hardest part for her was that so many people seemed angry with her for not being more upset and devastated. She came to me upset because she felt like a bad mom for not being torn apart about it. She would never tell another women these things if they lost a baby, but that is what it was for her.

I think it is important to remember that each women views it differently and feels it in a different way. That doesn't make us bad or good, wrong or right. Just who we are.

 

[goofy!]

I had two after my oldest was born, pretty far along into the first trimester. I was disappointed and sad, but it was never traumatic for me. Unlike some others, I took comfort in the explanation given by my doctor that, statistically, the majority of miscarriages occur because of a defect in the embryo. t just wasn't meant to be.

My point is everyone reacts differently. I couldn't tell you the dates of the miscarriages and I rarely think about them. It's not traumatic for everyone, so you need to respect the individual's wishes regarding talking about it.

I have had 4, all around 11 weeks. Perhaps it was my scientific background, but I was not traumatized nor do I feel like I have lost 4 babies. I also just chalk it up to nature making a mistake, thus there was a defect in that particular set of cells.

I too rarely think of them and could not tell you when they happened. I do know they happened between my 2nd and 3rd child. Well, I take that back - I do remember exactly when the last one happened. I had my ultrasound a few days before Christmas that revealed there was no heartbeat.

OB/GYN looked at me and said Merry F$%%$$%$ Christmas. She couldn't have summed up my sentiments better.

So. I was in the "don't talk about it camp." I didn't want all the sympathy and especially all the remarks of "you can take comfort that the baby is in Heaven." Those remarks drove me crazy, not because I don't believe in Heaven, but because I had a strong belief that this was not a baby, just a defective embryo that due to the defects, was unable to become the baby we wanted.

The worst part was that I was doing fine and people seemed to be upset because I was doing so well. Told me I was in denial, and they just had the need to pity me. No thanks. Didn't need the pity nor the guilt that I was not grieving properly. After the first, nobody except a few select people knew I was pregnant until we had reached the second semester.

Everybody does react differently. A simple "I'm sorry" is the best response.

 

[a1tinkfans]

A teacher at the elementary where I sub just suffered a miscarriage. She was almost through her first trimester. We were talking yesterday- her first day back and I told her how sorry I was and that I had 2 miscarriages (thankfully I have two healthy boys). She was very open about all that she went through physically and emotionally. She said it was hard because some people didn't know what to say or didn't consider the loss a baby. I told her how I still remember the dates of my losses and that they were babies to me also.

As I talked to another teacher (same grade today) about the other teachers loss she said that she and the other teacher in that grade didn't know what to say to the one who lost baby because they hadn't been through.

With so many suffering miscarriages these days---just remember that they do need to talk. If you have had one offer the ear to them. I know this teacher who had miscarriage but this was the most open conversation we have had. She said so many don't understand and don't know what to say. I remember people saying it was for the best or there will be others. It is an emotional and physical loss, and sometimes husbands have a hard time because they didn't have baby physically growing inside them. Even when a miscarriage happens early on it is difficult. Some people seem to have a less emotional time than others but if you know someone who has a miscarriage talk to them....listen to them. Sure some women don't want to talk but some just might be afraid.

For many it is never forgotten and very difficult, I am so sorry to hear the very sad news to both your fellow teacher and you too, I understand and I also agree,
at times of loss (regardless if it is a miscarriage or a death otherwise) some people just do not know what to say and sometimes say the hurtful things (like youll have another, ir it was their time etc) without realizing how difficult and awful that is to hear
If someone just says Im sorry and offers to just listen, thats more than enough....
Life does go on, but it is never ever the same...

 

[Aisling]

I think the key is acknowledging it as you would any loss. No, don't pry for details--but just a simple, I'm sorry with NO MENTION of "it's for the best" or any explanation of why it may have happened.

I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks and I agree with the bolded. When people said that to me, I understood their trying to help, but at that moment I didn't need or want to hear that it was for the best, even if it were true. I just knew my baby had died, and yes it was a baby to me and my husband.

I'm one who tells everyone the moment I find out I'm pregnant. I never felt the need to wait until the first trimester was over. If God forbid I lost the pregnancy, then I'd share my grief with those people. I have no shame in doing that.

I was one who didn't really want to talk about it when it happened to me. I accepted the hugs and words of comfort and then I just wanted to let it go. After the initial I'm sorrys, I didn't want to hea any more. It was too sad for me and I just needed time to get over it.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

We just lost one of our twins last week. It was after the first trimester so I think we had a false sense of safety. This miscarriage was also with a surrogate so we were convinced as long as my body wasn't involved all would be ok.

When my body was involved and we had all our miscarriages I didn't really talk about it because we told very few people and knew our history.

This time we told so many people but I think people are afraid to talk to us.

 

[LuvLuvLuv]

I have had 2. Both were traumatizing for different reasons.

First: I had a tonsilectomy and had a blood test the day before. After 3 weeks of hellish recovery I could not get back into solid food. I went to the doctor, he said I was fine. I got sick on everything. Everyone said I would lose weight with the surgery... I gained 2 lbs and barely ate at all. A friend suggested I test, but I told her it was impossible because I took a blood test before my surgery and I had felt so horrible before the surgery that it had been "a while". Sure enough--it was positive. I immediately had a check up confirming, they said everything looked good, and we scheduled an ultrasound--they estimated me at 8 weeks which meant I was 4 weeks at the time of surgery and no one looked at the bloodwork--plus I was on painkillers for weeks! Ultrasound--good. Told family and took my doctors note into work---lost it the next day. Apparently my work doesn't feel that my note was confidential because they told everyone and I came back after a few days off and people I never told were telling me congratulations. I was really mad and said... for what? They're like you're pregnant... I said... nope.. no I'm not. Well I heard.... nope! This went on for days. My family was mad because we weren't married--and of course it made a big mess that could have been avoided by 24 hours. It was just a bad situation.

Second:
I was into my second trimester, it's a girl. We're headed to Disney World for a little trip and to buy stuff for her. I lose her a week and a half before I go. Major Major complications. They told me I didn't need the surgery because everything was out. I felt they should do it, but the Dr said no. My levels stayed wayyyy up until July (this was the last week of April). I had to get tested twice per week, and I still felt reallllly pregnant although the baby was gone--this made me crazy--seriously crazy. My uteris is stuck very very enlarged and I still look pregnant, but they can't fix it now, they should have done the surgery. They said only a hysterectomy or a full term pregnancy will fix it at this point, and I'm not interested in either at the moment. Everyone still asks when I'm due... I look ridiculous. Everyday I look in the mirror it's still haunting me. We did still take out trip, I spent most of my time in our room at the YC, but it was best to take myself away from reality for a week.

We tried after that for a while with fertility--but nothing. I'm in between deciding to adopt and just giving myself more time. The stress has really taken it's toll on me and although it's been a year and a half since the last loss--I still feel like I need more time. Talking did help for me.

I'm very sorry to all that have lost. Here's a hug to all of you

 

[Caradana]

When I went through a miscarriage June 3rd, (8 weeks along) after 3.5 yrs of trying to me it was a dead child. There are not other words that fit. Others may not have had a miscarriage think it is just a pregancy.. but to our family, it was a son/daughter and ours had a name. He had a bedroom, he had a birthday (ETA).

Thank God, I am currently now 17 weeks pregnant and everything should work out. And I pray nothing happens, though I am cautious. I would not consider the name of my other child. To this day I have not named this child I am pregnant with, probably some of it fear.

I was shocked as to how many women came to me and stated this had happen to them. I HAD NO IDEA. It is way more comman that I had realized. This helped a bunch! I guess in understanding ??

SAME. Well said. I lost my first baby at 14 weeks in February, no warning - missed miscarriage. I needed a D&E in the middle of the night, and then a repeat D&C three weeks later. The experience just ripped my heart out, plus physically I was a mess. I have 3D pictures of that baby from a few days earlier, her heart was beating, she had 10 perfect fingers and 10 perfect toes, she danced, she waved ... genetic testing showed no abnormalities. There is no reason. That was the hardest part for me - no reason ...

I'm now 28 weeks with twin girls and incredibly cautious. I haven't bought anything ... I respectfully turned down offers from family and friends to host baby showers. I just do whatever I can to protect myself emotionally from the possibility of heartbreak.