Miscarriage....

[andymattmom]

A teacher at the elementary where I sub just suffered a miscarriage. She was almost through her first trimester. We were talking yesterday- her first day back and I told her how sorry I was and that I had 2 miscarriages (thankfully I have two healthy boys). She was very open about all that she went through physically and emotionally. She said it was hard because some people didn't know what to say or didn't consider the loss a baby. I told her how I still remember the dates of my losses and that they were babies to me also.

As I talked to another teacher (same grade today) about the other teachers loss she said that she and the other teacher in that grade didn't know what to say to the one who lost baby because they hadn't been through.

With so many suffering miscarriages these days---just remember that they do need to talk. If you have had one offer the ear to them. I know this teacher who had miscarriage but this was the most open conversation we have had. She said so many don't understand and don't know what to say. I remember people saying it was for the best or there will be others. It is an emotional and physical loss, and sometimes husbands have a hard time because they didn't have baby physically growing inside them. Even when a miscarriage happens early on it is difficult. Some people seem to have a less emotional time than others but if you know someone who has a miscarriage talk to them....listen to them. Sure some women don't want to talk but some just might be afraid.

 

[SaraJayne]

I was in the "didn't want to talk about it" camp. Still don't actually...and it was 12 years ago.

Some women are more open about it and want to talk about it ~ others prefer to keep it private.

And if someone tells you they don't want to talk about it, believe them. Don't keep badgering them about the topic.

I'm sorry for your losses and the teachers.

 

[andymattmom]

I was in the "didn't want to talk about it" camp. Still don't actually...and it was 12 years ago.

Some women are more open about it and want to talk about it ~ others prefer to keep it private.

And if someone tells you they don't want to talk about it, believe them. Don't keep badgering them about the topic.

I'm sorry for your losses and the teachers.

Sorry for your loss......mine were 17 and 16 years ago. Thanks for posting the flip side.....just thought some who haven't been through might want to know what to say or not to say. So hard ..... in this situation with teacher I said I was sorry and that I understood what she was going through. That left door open and she started to freely speak (know it was harder for her as sis-in-law) just had a baby a couple months ago.

 

[jdb in AZ]

A well-meaning clergyman told me that when a woman has a miscarriage it's because the baby would have been deformed and it's nature's way of taking care of these things. My dr had told me that he hadn't seen anything wrong with the fetus and it could have died from the flu.

The point is that a grieving mother doesn't want to hear about deformities. We also don't want to be told by a grandma-to-be "well, you'll just have to plant it better next time." How callous is that?

Sometimes just a hug and a listening ear works better than any advice or spouted platitudes, no matter how well-intended.

It's also not a good idea to ask a married woman "when are you going to start your family?" Someone asked me that as I was dealing with the miscarriage. Yes, it's an innocent question, but it can cause a lot of pain so it's better not to ask in the first place.

 

[ols386]

DD had a miscarriage this past August.

It was a very traumatic thing that she went through. Both emotionally and physically. I've never had a miscarriage, so I can't say that I knew EXACTLY how she felt, but I sure tried to understand and be there for she and her dh.

It was a huge loss for them, as I'm sure it would be for most couples who experience it.

It's not 'just' a miscarriage, it is the loss of what would be a child, and I think that's a pretty big deal.

To anyone who has gone through this.

 

[scrump]

I think death in general makes people uncomfortable. I've been through a couple of family deaths and have heard the craziest things said to me.

I think when in doubt, just say "I'm sorry" and mean it.

It's tough. I am truly sorry for anyone who has been through a miscarriage. It is a true loss, on the same scale as any other losses we mourn.

 

[amyren]

I had a D&C two moths ago Sunday. It was the worst experience of my life. DH & I went to the dr for our first ultrasound only to learn that baby didn't have a heartbeat and had stopped growing. After a healthy pregnancy with DD I was shocked, heartbroken and angry.

IMO the best thing a friend can do is acknowledge the situation and offer a hug. Something as impersonal as a text or as thoughtful as flowers meant the world to me. I just appreciated the fact that people were thinking of me and didn't expect me to "get over it" on my own.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I think the key is acknowledging it as you would any loss. No, don't pry for details--but just a simple, I'm sorry with NO MENTION of "it's for the best" or any explanation of why it may have happened. And certainly no mention of "well, you got pregnant once, it can happen again"

I have had 2 losses. For the first, I went to the ER. They had me on a stretcher "hanging out" while awaiting test results. I ended up chatting with a lady who was on her way to or from visiting someone. We were cracking jokes about stuff that I don't remember. She asked what I Was there for and I told her. She apologized and commented on my great spirit or something like that. I wasn't offended, but stated simply that it was out of my control and then we continued chatting. She wasn't "afraid" for what was happening to me, expressed her empathy, and did not probe for further information. I think *that* is what you are supposed to do.

My grieving wasn't done yet, but in a moment where I had no control, it was kind of great that she was there.

I am sorry for the teacher's loss.

 

[amberg@eastlink.ca]

i just suffered my second loss, another molar pregnancy this summer. any loss is beyond devastaing and a simple hug is often just what they need. a dear neighbour who's never had kids just reached out and gave me a hug one day. that hug meant so much to me.

sadly ppl dont know what to say. a bestied who i know didn't mean anything by it said both times if its meant to be it will be and it wasn't meant to be. i know she didnt say it to hurt me, its just how it sounds in your head after a loss. 4 days after my d and c in july hubbys aunt said oh well there must of been something wrong with it then. i went silent and didnt answer...she pushed for one and i have never been as greatful to my two rowdy kids as i was rite then!

who cares if there was something wrong, in my mind that baby had aleady graduated university.

but it can go the flip side too....my mom whom i just reconciled with after almost 6 yrs kept texting me every day...how are you feeling? get a grip im devastated. lol i had to tell her to back off a bit. not that i didnt want to talk i just didnt want to keep reading that question from her, its been a week im not over it yet.

best thing is offer condolances, ask them if they need anything, an errand done, a hug, a shoulder to lean on. if they need it they'll reach out.

 

[worm761]

I had a miscarriage and was in the don't want to talk about it camp. I just couldn't. Even 14 years later I have issues with it. I was fairly well along and it was my body that attacked her and the cause of her death.
I'm sorry and I'll keep you in my prayers were the best things said to me. I know how you feel by someone who has never had one was the absolute worst.

 

[spacemountainmom]

I had a D&C two moths ago Sunday. It was the worst experience of my life. DH & I went to the dr for our first ultrasound only to learn that baby didn't have a heartbeat and had stopped growing. After a healthy pregnancy with DD I was shocked, heartbroken and angry.

IMO the best thing a friend can do is acknowledge the situation and offer a hug. Something as impersonal as a text or as thoughtful as flowers meant the world to me. I just appreciated the fact that people were thinking of me and didn't expect me to "get over it" on my own.

I could have wrote your first paragraph 13 years ago. It was a very hard time to get through. A friend of mine was pregnant at the same time. I am sure she didn't realize it, but she was the person who was always telling me that it "was for the best, since something was probably wrong" and that "you'll be pregnant again soon". I just felt she was completely insensitive and it is part of the reason why we really aren't close any longer.

The friends who just simply said, "I'm sorry" and were there when I wanted to talk or needed a hug were the best. I did get pregnant again right away (Disney trip souvenir) and had a healthy baby, but it was a tough pregnancy. I had a real hard time getting attached for fear of more heartbreak. I've since made it up to my son in spades!

I think everyone processes their grief differently, but a sincere, "I'm sorry and I am here if you want to talk" is the best thing you can do in this situation. Some will talk and some won't, but at least you made the offer.

 

[deegack]

I had an early miscarriage after several ivf attempts. In a way I was lucky because i only told a few people that I was pregnant, but I had to act normal around everyone else.
I do agree with pp that you should never ask a woman when they were going to start a family. It took over two years of fertility treatments before we got lucky with dd. I remember crying every time I saw dh's family because they were constantly asking me when we were going to finally have kids.

 

[mjkacmom]

I think about half of my friends/family members have had at least one. And those are the ones I know about. Now, most have been very early (darn these early HPT's). One in four pregnancies end in m/c. Now, those close to the end of the first trimester are tough, but those 5 week m/c are to be expected. Back in the day, women didn't even know they might be pregnant. My first trimester babies were always maybe babies to me - knowing what I know, there was no way I was getting attached until at least 10 weeks, and I didn't tell more than a few people.

My sister had 2 back to back m/c at the 5 week mark - drove her nuts, because she is such a planner. I blame the dollar store HPT's - just stop testing so early!

So, although I have the greatest of sympathy for late first trimester m/c's, and some other first trimester m/c's (a friend had her last embryos from IVF implanted, and had a m/c at 8 weeks), I don't understand, with the one in four chance, that women are surprised that, after peeing on the stick the day before AF arrives, getting 2 lines, telling the whole world, and then getting AF a week later. It's statistics.

Honestly, I can't imagine a teacher telling parents about a first trimester pregnancy. I'd never tell my own kids!

 

[TheIncredibles!]

People say some stupid **** sometimes. I had a miscarriage in between my 1st and 2nd child. (I have 3 total). I was told:

"Sorry but it's for the best. The last thing you needed was another child with special needs anyway and I am sure that is what happened." (We were just finding out that my oldest had some issues etc)

"I have no idea why you are so upset and what all this fuss is about. SOMEBODY sent you flowers???? Oh my. I guess they are playing into this too. It's not like you lost a REAL baby. I don't get what all the crying and sadness is about. It was a blob of skin nothing else." (This pearl of wisdom from my MIL)

"Hey heard what happened. Did they have to roto rooter you out afterwards or did it all come out on it's own?"

If you don't know what to say to anybody when they are shocked and grieving just say "I am so sorry this happened. If there's anything I can do to help please just let me know." Nobody wants to hear why you think it happened, what your thoughts are on if it was worthy of their pain or not, if you thought it was a baby or not at that point, if you thought it was for the best.....

 

[spacemountainmom]

People say some stupid **** sometimes. I had a miscarriage in between my 1st and 2nd child. (I have 3 total). I was told:

"Sorry but it's for the best. The last thing you needed was another child with special needs anyway and I am sure that is what happened." (We were just finding out that my oldest had some issues etc)

"I have no idea why you are so upset and what all this fuss is about. SOMEBODY sent you flowers???? Oh my. I guess they are playing into this too. It's not like you lost a REAL baby. I don't get what all the crying and sadness is about. It was a blob of skin nothing else." (This pearl of wisdom from my MIL)

"Hey heard what happened. Did they have to roto rooter you out afterwards or did it all come out on it's own?"

If you don't know what to say to anybody when they are shocked and grieving just say "I am so sorry this happened. If there's anything I can do to help please just let me know." Nobody wants to hear why you think it happened, what your thoughts are on if it was worthy of their pain or not, if you thought it was a baby or not at that point, if you thought it was for the best.....

Oh my Goodness! I am sitting here with tears in my eyes. How absolutely awful!

I am really sorry that you had to deal with nasty people like that.

 

[amyren]

I could have wrote your first paragraph 13 years ago. It was a very hard time to get through. A friend of mine was pregnant at the same time. I am sure she didn't realize it, but she was the person who was always telling me that it "was for the best, since something was probably wrong" and that "you'll be pregnant again soon". I just felt she was completely insensitive and it is part of the reason why we really aren't close any longer.

That's the toughest part for me right now. 3 of my close friends are pregnant as well as a cousin, a neighbor and several "friends" on Facebook. Actually I had a nice pity party for myself on Sunday after looking at too many baby bump pics on Facebook. That combined with the fact that there were 3 of us due the same month and the other girls now know the gender of the babies.

I'm really really happy and excited for my friends who are pregnant (I'm even throwing a baby shower next weekend) but it's still tough. Makes me appreciate DD so much more!

 

[spacemountainmom]

That's the toughest part for me right now. 3 of my close friends are pregnant as well as a cousin, a neighbor and several "friends" on Facebook. Actually I had a nice pity party for myself on Sunday after looking at too many baby bump pics on Facebook. That combined with the fact that there were 3 of us due the same month and the other girls now know the gender of the babies.

I'm really really happy and excited for my friends who are pregnant (I'm even throwing a baby shower next weekend) but it's still tough. Makes me appreciate DD so much more!

I so understand! My friend and I were due within days of each other. At least I didn't have to deal with going through all of this during the Facebook era. My dd was three at the time never quite understood why mommy would randomly grab her and hug the stuffing out of her.

I ended up getting pregnant again as soon as my doctor said we could try. My ds was born three and 1/2 months after the due date of the one we lost. I hope and pray that the next time will have a happy ending for you.

 

[Abbie]

So, although I have the greatest of sympathy for late first trimester m/c's, and some other first trimester m/c's (a friend had her last embryos from IVF implanted, and had a m/c at 8 weeks), I don't understand, with the one in four chance, that women are surprised that, after peeing on the stick the day before AF arrives, getting 2 lines, telling the whole world, and then getting AF a week later. It's statistics.

I don't know that people are surprised so much as disappointed. If you know you're pregnant, even if it's "only a few weeks", you have already been excited and anticipating. To lose that is difficult at best.

I've had three....with my first (24 years ago) it was mostly difficult because we were temporarily living with my in-laws while our house was being built. We had not yet told them we were pregnant and the way they found out was when we went to the hospital. It was awkward all around. Plus it was before the days of the internet and I couldn't find any information. I remember spending hours at the local library trying to find first-hand stories of other women who had gone through this so I could get an idea of what to expect and to know my feelings weren't off the wall. It was a sad time.

 

[SaraJayne]

So, although I have the greatest of sympathy for late first trimester m/c's, and some other first trimester m/c's (a friend had her last embryos from IVF implanted, and had a m/c at 8 weeks), I don't understand, with the one in four chance, that women are surprised that, after peeing on the stick the day before AF arrives, getting 2 lines, telling the whole world, and then getting AF a week later. It's statistics.

My cycles were so off, it was practically a miracle I got pregnant naturally after our first child to begin with.

I did not know I was pregnant until I miscarried. The only person that knew about it was DH. He is still the only person that knows about it in our daily life.

So to some, it may be just "statistics. Not everyone is obsessed with "peeing on a stick the day before AF arrives".

How callous.

 

[klmall]

I'm sorry for those of you who have lost a baby. I don't care how early; it's still a loss. My sister lost two babies late in pregnancy very traumatically and one not long after birth. I still cry thinking about her pain.

Even though my one and only child was a wonderful waited for pregnancy after 9 years of trying, I was working with a woman at the time who was going through her 10th and 11th miscarriages at the same time. It was so hard to be excited about my pregnancy around her and sad at the same time for her losses. But about two years later they found a hormonal cause for her losses and she had two beautiful boys.