MIL Vent

[snowy76]

My MIL called just now to ask DH for some money to cover her bills. She's on a fixed income, receives Medicaid and food stamps.

Now, back in October MIL said she wasn't buying anybody any Xmas gifts because she was short on money. We had no problems with that whatsoever.

Then MIL ended up working on Election Day at one of the polling places and earned some money, which she then said she used as her Xmas budget (about $25 for DH and I plus the 3 kids).

But today when she called she said she needed money because she spent some of her SS on Xmas gifts too! Now, I know what we got, so I suspect she spent the money on other things as well -- she's awful with finances and has back bills to pay. Once, DH's ex wife loaned her some money -- she made the deposit herself into MIL's account b/c she worked at the bank where the account was -- AFTER the deposit was made, MIL still had a negative balance!

Now MIl wants to borrow a small amount of money -- and I admit it's small -- but WTH? We were fine with her not getting us gifts -- she went ahead and did it anyway, with money she apparently didn't have.

Have I mentioned that MIL doesn't like to cook so she eats out 1-2 times a day? And the only reason she's on SS is b/c she blew through her pension money (chose a lump sum instead of payments) on eating out and vacations? She's planning a big trip with her pals to Graceland this year too.

The last time we loaned her money it was to help her move to a new apartment -- we found out afterwards that she also asked DH's ex wife to loan her money for movers too! Basically she lied to one of us and used the money to pay off bills. Then she has the nerve to ask DH why I don't seem to like her. I love my MIL, but I don't respect her very much.

Meanwhile, I am on unemployment b/c I got laid off from my job at the end of the summer -- it's not like we're rolling in money -- we seriously cut back our spending all around -- we NEVER eat out anymore -- but I'm subsidizing her bad habits!

We didn't want her to spend money on us at Xmas if she didn't have it -- so we will give her what she needs -- basically we can give her back what she
spent on us, it's just such a convoluted way to get her back to square one.

I know having an annoying MIL is small potatoes compared to some of the stories I've read here... but thanks for letting me rant anyway.

 

[1Prince2Princesses]

Rant away. MIL's may be the death of us all.

 

[Ziggy]

Rant away. MIL's may be the death of us all.

So true

 

[ilovejack02]

I love crazy mother in law stories!!! Lots of us have them and its good to be able to complain about them instead of freaking out on them lol.
I wouldnt know what to do about the money, but like you i would be fired up!

 

[poohluvrs]

Rant away. MIL's may be the death of us all.

 

[xyzabc33]

How about instead of giving her cash, ask her what bills it is exactly that needs paid. Contact the company and pay it as a gift card type thing. I know that doesnt help her eating out habits but at least she cant go spend it on that.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

I wouldn't help her out anymore (especially when money is already tight for you and your family). That's just MPO. I feel for you. One of my biggest concerns is my FMIL and FFIL. They're the nicest people but they're constantly borrowing money from DH2B (who's 22, lives at home, and is trying to save for a downpayment on a house and a wedding). He feels bad because of "all of the times they've helped him out" but they live in a house they can't afford and live a lifestyle that is always trying to keep up with the Jones'. We've (DH2B and I) already discussed that we will not be able to afford to help them out once we get married and move into a house but I know it will be hard on him with his parents trying to guilt him into giving them money. Good luck to you and I know it's hard to say no but it looks like nobody ever does to your MIL.

 

[Disney-For-Life]

Whatever you decide, it should be her son - your husband - who tells her. He has his own family to worry about. Ideally, your husband could tell her that you guys are trying to make ends meet on your end and that you can't afford to help out right now, but if he can't do that, then I like the idea of contributing towards one of her bill payments - directly. Either way, I'm sorry to hear about her financial neglect - it doesn't sound like it is going to get any better unless she changes her attitude or your husband puts his foot down.

 

[ilovejack02]

I wouldn't help her out anymore (especially when money is already tight for you and your family). That's just MPO. I feel for you. One of my biggest concerns is my FMIL and FFIL. They're the nicest people but they're constantly borrowing money from DH2B (who's 22, lives at home, and is trying to save for a downpayment on a house and a wedding). He feels bad because of "all of the times they've helped him out" but they live in a house they can't afford and live a lifestyle that is always trying to keep up with the Jones'. We've (DH2B and I) already discussed that we will not be able to afford to help them out once we get married and move into a house but I know it will be hard on him with his parents trying to guilt him into giving them money. Good luck to you and I know it's hard to say no but it looks like nobody ever does to your MIL.

NO FREAKIN WAY!!!! Goodness I cant wait to see your MIL vent threads when the day comes! I hope your DH will be able to handle the pressure, cuz if they bug if now, just wait till yall get married and there are two incomes for them to bum from. I dont understand, I mean i know that he is 22 and living at home, he should pay rent. But good Lord, to expect your 22 yr old child to help pay your bills because you cant do it with out him is crazy!!! Ok im off my soapbox now LOL!! Stand strong girl!

 

[barkley]

if you give money (as in a gift) to anyone in receipt of foodstamps they must report it to their foodstamp worker. small amounts of cash gifts are exempt (used to be the first $100 combined from all sources in any 3 month period) but the remainder is budgeted into the foodstamps and can result in lowering the foodstamps the person receives. it is much better in these situations to pay bills (if you wish to do so) directly to the vendors (utilities, rent, phone...). for food needs-you can do a gift card or sign her up for 'share' or 'angle ministries' (whichever's in the area)-both for a low fee provide a monthly box of a variety of foods that for a single person can actualy cover a couple of weeks (but someone would have to pick it up for her).

just as an aside-if she's getting food stamps then she's not getting social security because of running through her pension. the type of social security you receive at retirement based on financial need is set up such that you are automaticly ineligible to participate in the food stamp program. she's probably getting straight social security retirement which is based on her having the necessary number of work quarters during her working years (or if married perhaps a spousal/survivor's allotment). so your dh may want to see what her actual financial situation is-she may be eligible for a variety of programs that would result in lower expenses on an ongoing basis. most utility companys offer a reduced cost program based on low income status-the one here just takes filling out a half page form attesting that your income falls within that range and showing an income verification (print out from the bank that shows the social security deposit works)-it gets the person 10-25% reduction on their bill. phone company offers a lower cost option to low income seniors-but they have to go without call waiting, forwarding and allot of the 'extras'. if shes spending money on taxis for transportation check to see if there's a senior or low income 'script' program-many cities do these and you advance purchase script that works out to paying 50 cents for each dollar of travel. with rent there are programs like section 8 and while they may have long wait lists-they can enable a person to pay a set percentage of their income for rent. some apartment complexes also participate in programs that offer lower rent to low income tenants (not just 'low income apartments'-some participate in susidy programs where they can have so many residents in their units participating while the other residents pay fair market value).

if it just comes down to her mismanaging her funds and CHOOSING to eat out and go on vacations-then the parties involved need to make a decision if they will 'finance' that behaviour.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Hahaha....I will join you guys! My parents are the ones who are horrible with money.

Spent it all, still work to pay for their spending habits. My mom retired once but they just keep spending so she had to work again, (as a LPN in a nursing home), not easy work for someone who is turning 68. Heck she is older than some of her patients.

We already did the "come to Jesus" on them. We made them sell their house, (it was going to be foreclosed on). They lived with my sister for 2 years, they paid off their outstanding debt & we helped with some of it, they now live in an apartment.

So the deal is....you and your DH have to come together and have an acceptable solution when she comes to ask for money.
It is the only way....my mom wants to "retire again" in March because frankly she cannot handle the physical labor of the job.
Can't wait for what is going to happen later.....

 

[belle&beast]

I wouldn't help her out anymore (especially when money is already tight for you and your family). That's just MPO. I feel for you. One of my biggest concerns is my FMIL and FFIL. They're the nicest people but they're constantly borrowing money from DH2B (who's 22, lives at home, and is trying to save for a downpayment on a house and a wedding). He feels bad because of "all of the times they've helped him out" but they live in a house they can't afford and live a lifestyle that is always trying to keep up with the Jones'. We've (DH2B and I) already discussed that we will not be able to afford to help them out once we get married and move into a house but I know it will be hard on him with his parents trying to guilt him into giving them money. Good luck to you and I know it's hard to say no but it looks like nobody ever does to your MIL.

My Dh used to help EVERYONE in his family before we got married. DH lived with his mother and paid rent and did all the household chores inside and out. I would really suggest that his helping stop. I was blamed for the stop of the cash flow, and I guess it was my doing, but I really didn't think that we should have to pay for other people's lifestyles. It was really ugly when I made DH call his uncle to request the $400 that he had loaned him over a year ago. Anyway, I guess after 7 years of marriage I am no longer the bad guy, but it has taken awhile to mend the fences, so anything you can do to stop this habit before you are married will be beneficial.

OP- I think you DH needs to tell his mom that you are not in the position to help at this time. It is really difficult, but maybe she will allow him to help her plan a budget so she does not end up in trouble.

 

[EthansMom]

If it's a small amount, and you can afford it, then I would give her the money (not LEND it). But I would probably insist on sending it directly to one of the bills so that it actually got to the intended bill.

If you can't afford it, then DH should say, "I'm sorry, but DW is out of work right now and we can't afford it."

 

[poohandwendy]

If it's a small amount, and you can afford it, then I would give her the money (not LEND it). But I would probably insist on sending it directly to one of the bills so that it actually got to the intended bill.

If you can't afford it, then DH should say, "I'm sorry, but DW is out of work right now and we can't afford it."

I agree. If it would put a strain on your budget, I wouldn't do it. If you are going to help, don't just hand her cash.

Sad though. Sad that she lives her golden years that way and sad that she puts you and your DH in that position.

 

[Lorix2]

Oh, I feel you're angst, but it's my own mother. She is the most generous person in the world to her own detriment. She's on SS too due to a devastating stroke, but runs up her credit cards, like 3 of them.

My mother was experiencing horrible panic attacks that we attributed to her condition since she has a severe speech impairment and that's tough on her...she finally came to my sister to show her $15,000. in credit card debt and asked for her help to consolidate and pay off, but never for financial help.

My sister lectured her on how if you don't have the cash, do not buy, etc....my sister has had to help her out twice now because she keeps running them up and worrying about it later. My sister has warned her to stop because she'll eventually get herself in so deep she won't be able to recover without putting up her house.

If you keep giving to you're MIL, she will never learn to be responsible for her own debts. There's only so many times you can feel badly for her situation. Hope things work out for her.

 

[wilderness01]

That must be so frustrating. Once my MIL asked my husband to pick up a for them. It was right before Christmas. After it was picked up and hooked up, she told him she wouldn't be able to pay him until after Christmas. Even though she was bragging about all the Christmas parties she was going to and all the fun she was having. I was furious. I asked her for the check before Christmas as my husband didn't want to "hurt" her. I didn't care. She was going out to eat night after night and we were having to pull money out of our savings for the last of our Christmas shopping. Did I also mention that she had just gotten back from Europe a few weeks prior. No they aren't wealthy, but certainly find ways to travel. The kicker, no Christmas present for my husband or his brother that was there because she had just gotten back from vacation and didn't have time to shop for them. What a jerk. She brought them both back some stale candy from Europe. That was the last year she received a nice big gift from us. She is a user and we have since stopped her dead in her tracks.

 

[belle&beast]

Oh, I feel you're angst, but it's my own mother. She is the most generous person in the world to her own detriment. She's on SS too due to a devastating stroke, but runs up her credit cards, like 3 of them.

My mother was experiencing horrible panic attacks that we attributed to her condition since she has a severe speech impairment and that's tough on her...she finally came to my sister to show her $15,000. in credit card debt and asked for her help to consolidate and pay off, but never for financial help.

My sister lectured her on how if you don't have the cash, do not buy, etc....my sister has had to help her out twice now because she keeps running them up and worrying about it later. My sister has warned her to stop because she'll eventually get herself in so deep she won't be able to recover without putting up her house.

If you keep giving to you're MIL, she will never learn to be responsible for her own debts. There's only so many times you can feel badly for her situation. Hope things work out for her.

A stroke can often impair a person's reasoning ability, memory and inhibition. Maybe she is doing these things because she cannot make good decisions due to her neurological impairment. Also many people use shopping as a quick fix for depression which is also common with stroke, especially if she has difficulty communicating. I'm not saying that is the only reason for her behavior, but it may be worth looking into if she still is in need of assistance.

 

[snowy76]

Thanks everyone for all the input.

My own parents take care of my grandmother's finances and I've asked DH if we should consider doing the same for his mom. Ultimately though it's his decision -- and quite honestly, he's so annoyed by all her antics that he just wants to steer clear of her as much as possible. I do wish he'd grow a pair where she's concerned, but I can understand where he's coming from. It's like she has arrested development or something -- he's the parent to her instead of the other way around. I think it comes from her husband leaving her when DH was just 2. Rather than spoil DH, she actually relied on him to be the grownup and he resents that. For years he was ALL she had. The stress MIL caused was a main cause of his divorce from his first wife. To him, it's a victory to not respond to her silliness.

We've given her ideas and resources -- for example, she has probably thousands in collectible Barbies and Beanies that she refuses to sell -- but DH feels if we go any further and actually step in to take control of some of her finances, she would disrupt our family life even more.

I suspect it will come to a head someday, she'll be in such bad shape that we will have to step in to sort it out for her whether she likes it or not. And whether DH wants to be involved or not. But it's not my place to make that call for him. I think the most I can do, other than gently nudging my DH now and then, is to vent here with my DIS friends.

 

[Lorix2]

A stroke can often impair a person's reasoning ability, memory and inhibition. Maybe she is doing these things because she cannot make good decisions due to her neurological impairment. Also many people use shopping as a quick fix for depression which is also common with stroke, especially if she has difficulty communicating. I'm not saying that is the only reason for her behavior, but it may be worth looking into if she still is in need of assistance.

Belle - excellent observation and it's all very true, especially where depression is a huge factor for her too. She has always been this way when it came to credit cards though, has always battled depression and anxiety too and the stroke just exascerbated all those existing symptoms unfortunately. Thank you for pointing this out, we understand fully why she does this and help her with everything she needs and she does understand everything, she just cannot communicate in full sentences, she speaks normally, but only 20 or so words.