MIL Vent!!!!

[becka]

I am trying to calm down here but I am so ticked at my MIL right now I can't see straight. What do you guys think?

DD developed another one of her mystery fevers yesterday morning. She was running about 100 - 100.5 with no other obvious symptoms except she seems tired. We have done these little viral things a few times and I am not extremely worried about her. Well DH stayed home with her today and her fever has spiked up to 102-103 so we figure that she may need to stay home for a few more days. DH or I could stay home with her tomorrow but Wednesday would be a little trickier so my DH called my MIL a little while ago just to see if it would be possible for her to come up (we live 2 hours away) to watch DD on Wednesday if we need her to. DH told her that we would not need her to come up until tomorrow morning at the earliest because we still want to wait and see how she does.

Well DH gets a phone call about 30 minutes later from FIL telling him that my MIL is on her way!!! What the heck.... It seems she decided that she needed to come up right away even when DH told her that we did not need/want her here until at the earliest tomorrow morning. It is not like she had some reason why. It was not as if it was for her to come up this afternoon or never - she just decided to come anyway despite our wishes! Plus by having FIL call after she already left we can't talk her out of it.

Well my house is a mess! I was never a great housekeeper anyway and we don't do unexpected guests well. I live by the adage that on my deathbed I won't wish I had spent more time cleaning and less time with my kids. I have really slacked off lately and yesterday when I really should have spent a few good hours cleaning when DD was napping I decided to play board games with DS. The spare bed in DD's bedroom is currently covered in clothing because I am in the process of going through all kinds of old/new baby clothes plus just I dumped a bunch of laundry in there this weekend rather than folding it right away! I don't even have a place for her to sleep right now!!!!

My poor DH is now frantically trying to clean my kitchen and bathroom before she gets there. Thankfully even though DD is sick she is still in a pretty decent mood and DH said she was just sitting there reading books in the kitchen floor while he did some dishes.

I needed to go to the grocery store tomorrow so I don't have much to cook on hand and what I have out for dinner will not feed an extra person. Not to mention the fact that I bet a gazillion dollars that since MIL planned to come up this weekend for DS's birthday party that she does not leave until this weekend!!!! Aaarrggghhh!

This week was already going to be stressful but I don't think I can take her too! She will try to clean my house by rearranging everything and making passive agressive comments about me.

I just can't stand that she is so sneaky about it! It really ticks me off and I am not in the mood to deal with someone who does stuff like this.

 

[dadto1]

Why invite her down in the first place if you know its coming?

 

[mickeyfan2]

Maybe she thought she could save you or DH a vacation day by watching her Tuesday too?

 

[becka]

Why invite her down in the first place if you know its coming?

Well we didn't know she was going to hop in her car and come right over despite us asking her to wait to see if we needed her to come tommorrow. I HATE, HATE, HATE asking her for any kind of help but with our jobs we are kind of in a jam if DD's is sick for more than 2 days and we don't have anyone here locally that can help us. We just thought we would give her a call today to see if she would even be available and just to kind of make a plan in case we did need her help. We thought it would be rude to call her up and asks if she could come up on the same day - we thought we would at least ask and give her some time to plan if she needed it. I guess that will teach us.....

 

[lsyorke]

So you ask her for help, but only on your terms???

 

[becka]

Believe me she is not doing this out of the goodness of her heart. She is doing this because she will get DD to herself for a while. If we were talking about DS she would probably be too busy to come at all.

My MIL has lots of issues (DH would even heartily agree - this is not just me being the evil DIL) and she desperately wanted a daughter of her own and is still disappointed that she had two boys. Since DD has been here she has been a little crazy about her to the point of almost refusing to leave our house on occassion because she could not stand to leave her behind. She will just start bawling everytime she has to leave DD behind. This is the same woman who went I hurt my back when DD was 6 weeks old and she came to stay to help for a few days wanted to take our 6 week old DD home with her for a few weeks (2 hours away). She told me flat out that I was being selfish for wanting to keep DD with us and that I was expecting DH to do too much by helping take care of DD while I was recovering! During those few days she also got upset whenever I actually had the nerve to ask to hold my own newborn daughter. She is crazy!!!!

 

[jx3smom]

Maybe she thought she was being nice and would be there to help you out so you didn't have to miss work and could save the time off for another day. Maybe she was happy to be "needed".

 

[becka]

So you ask her for help, but only on your terms???

If by terms you mean expecting her to wait to drive 2 hours to our house until after we know we need her help then yes we ask for her help on our terms. We don't even know if we will need help on Wednesday until tomorrow. Why should she make the trip up here now when DD may be fine by tomorrow and it is a non-issue?

Also, if she was just trying to be nice why would she not just tell DH that rather than having FIL call after she left? Doing it this way does make it seem like she has other motives. She wanted to jump on her chance to spend the week here because she is afraid DD might be better by tomorrow morning and we won't need her help. You would think she never sees DD. She has an open invitation to visit but our ONLY stipulation is that she call BEFORE and lets us know when she will be here. That goes for anyone! Don't just show up unannounced and plan to stay for a week. We have NEVER told her she could not visit whenever she wanted unless we had plans to be out of town, etc..

 

[Wishing on a star]

Boy, the flamethrowers are in her quick!!!!

I agree with you Becka.
Yes, when you invite somebody to your home, it should be on your terms.
You have a right to your feelings and your terms!

When you say, we 'might' need to ask for your help in a couple days, that, IMHO, does not issue a blanket invitiation for MIL to butt in.

Since she is on her way, just make the best of it and try to graciously accept her 'help'.

And, lesson learned!!! Information is power to these grandparents/inlaws who do not know the boundaries and common courtesies. Next time you will be able to handle it better. Leave no conversation without your boundaries firmly in place. A door cracked open is indeed open wide!!!

 

[Minnie824]

I completely understand...order a pizza for dinner...see if she'll help you out w/your DD, and get things done that need to. Try not to stress about it, even though it can be stressful. If DD is feeling better, then you'll have more time to get done whatever is needed. Maybe she can help you clean up while she's there too.

 

[momrek06]

OP: As my OWN DS would say to me...."mom, take some DEEP yoga breathes"...and as I get older (52) I try desperately to flip this over....yup, like has I started to read your Thread, I THOUGHT you were going to say MIL WILL NOT COME AND HELP US....but as I read on and saw MIL is coming BUT like earlier than necessarily...I flipped this all over to SAY to myself...AT LEAST, OP, SHE IS WILLING TO DROP EVERYTHING ON A MOMENTS NOTICE, GET IN HER CAR AND DRIVE TWO HOURS!!!

Basically, what I am saying is CALM DOWN, our houses will NEVER be as clean as we want them EVER..(I have decided that on my OWN) and be thankful that you have someone in your life that will rearrange their schedule for you like that and come to your home when you are in NEED.

REMEMBER OP: deep yoga breathes.

 

[foolishmortal]

Wow, I like all these responses! Like everyone here knows the MIL more than the OP.

Obviously this is a MIL that does stuff like this more than this 1 time.

For example. Yesterday morning I get a call from my best friend of 25 years saying his dad is in the hosiptal and is not expected to make it. Well this is 9 in the morning so we know MIL is at church, so we leave a message saying hey, call us when you get in, we would like to know if you'll watch the kids for a couple of hours so we can run to the hospital...blah blah, all that jazz.

Well 1 1/2 hours later who is knocking at the door without a call??? the MIL. First of all we had no clue so we weren't 100% ready to be out the door and all. Well we ask why she didn't call she said what are you talking about? She never evn checked her messages...just decided to drop on by on a Sunday morning.....here is the kicker.............she said oh good thing I came over huh! Uh no, you live less than 5 minutes from us, we could have taken the kids when we were ready to go.

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised because she shows up 3 out of 4 Sunday mornings out of the month. no calls, not even the night before saying hey we may stop by in the morning.....just shows up.

but hey good thing she showed up unannounced.






So unless you know the MIL personnaly I don't think it's fair to make comments that have been made here.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Also, if she was just trying to be nice why would she not just tell DH that rather than having FIL call after she left? Doing it this way does make it seem like she has other motives. She wanted to jump on her chance to spend the week here because she is afraid DD might be better by tomorrow morning and we won't need her help. You would think she never sees DD. She has an open invitation to visit but our ONLY stipulation is that she call BEFORE and lets us know when she will be here.

So she can come if she calls first? Well FIL made the call for you so she technically followed the rule. If you know she is this way then only call at the last minute.

 

[Chicago526]

Well, it's too late now. She wants to show up long before she is needed/wanted, then she can deal with a messy house. Do what I do, shove everything into a spare closet and crow-bar the door shut! Under the bed(s) or laundry baskets hidden in the laundry room are other good hiding places! Concentrate on doing deep cleaning of the important stuff like the kitchen and bathroom, and if you have time, a quick vacuum and dust job. It doesn't have to be perfect (and with some MIL's, "perfect" isn't an obtainable state, no matter what you do, so why try?).

Yes, it's irrtating, but just try to put a possitive spin on it, shrug your shoulders, and do your best with out knocking yourself out.

Makes me glad that my MIL is 12 hours a way!

 

[Beth76]

I can totally relate to not having the house ready for her. That would irk me too. However, if she was going to clean my house she can make any comments about me that she wants.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Yes, when you invite somebody to your home, it should be on your terms.

Nope, not on your terms only when somebody is doing you a favor.

 

[Jpgirl]

I felt that way about my mil (she had issues too-especially about the grandkids) and there was no way in the "earth below" I'd ever let her babysit my kids no matter how rough it was for dh and myself. It would make me more crazy to put up with her and her shenanigans than to take vacation or sick days. I know that's difficult to do sometimes but it's just a fact of life that kids get sick when parents work. Every parent I know goes through this and learns to deal-I had the added pleasure of dh traveling Mon-Fri. Since you've already invited the nightmare (albeit days early) into your home, I guess you'll just have to smile and tough your way through it. Hope your dd feels better-my ds always had those fevers-still does sometimes and he's 19.

 

[agnes!]

IMO, I think that you should never ask for this kind of help from your MIL again. Too much drama all around - on her part and perhaps even on yours. Please understand - I'm not making a judgement, I don't mean that in a bad way, it's just that you & your DH will have to ask yourselvs...is this *really* worth it? Is the help we are supposedly getting worth all the emotional hysterics from her that will ensue? Is it worth us feeling put-upon? Is it worth going through her belittling comments? etc...
She's coming this time, you can't help that. Figure out the best way you can deal with it *for now*. Can you get a cleaning service in? Can you get her a room at a local motel/hotel, *especially* if your DD is fine & your MIL says that she is staying through the coming weekend?
If I had a MIL that was as unbalanced as you believe yours is, I wouldn't let her stay alone with my DD. Ever.

agnes!
PS - How old is your DD? No particular reason, just wondering.

 

[Wishing on a star]

(and with some MIL's, "perfect" isn't an obtainable state, no matter what you do, so why try?).

LOL!!!! Sooooo true!
My inlaws came to visit once, they drove a truck, so we knew that we would be going out dinner, etc., in our car so we could all ride together. Of course I washed and vacuumed and cleaned that car!!!! First thing MIL says when we all get in the car to go out - "You need to clean the inside of the rear windshield"

Deep breaths, Becka!!! Deep breaths!!!

 

[becka]

Mickeyfan2 - Actually if she doesn't like the terms she does not have to come at all. I really don't think we are asking much. If she could not have come DH and I would have come up with something. This is not the first time we have had to scramble - with two little kids it sometimes happens.

And our "calling before you get here rule" is more of a call the DAY before you get here and she knows it. It is not just her but that way for everyone unless it really is an emergency. I HATE not having time to prepare for guests - it gets my anxiety levels up. I know it is my issue and I should relax but honestly I am this way for anyone - not just my MIL. If they don't like it then don't visit!

I talked to DH a few minutes ago and he said that would teach him for calling so soon. He understands.....