MIL vent - (long) I am so sad

[lil mermaid]

I am so upset and just really feel the need to vent to someone. I am really upset about our relations with my MIL - not going into the details, but here is the gist of it.

We just moved to California from New Hampshire a week ago - and I got into sort of an argument with my MIL the day before we left. We had lunch with her (which she was one hour late meeting us for.) The hour was crucial, because we had alot to do before we had to return the van we rented and meet my father, who was picking us up at the rental car place. I will admit that I made a stupid comment - nothing really bad, but sort of out of line. It really came out of exhaustion and stress, and I apologized and tried to joke my way out of it as soon as I said it. She wouldn't let me, and began literally shrieking at me, saying all kinds of things which I proceeded to try to defend myself against. Things got sorta nasty, and we left on a negative note. I must add that the comment I made was the first thing negative I ever said after four years of biting my tongue.

Today, at 4:41 am, she called my husband's cell phone and left a message (we didn't get to the phone in time, we were still sleeping.) She proceeded to rant and rave about how nasty we are (especially me.) She really got into it, and it was very upsetting to me.
AFter I got to work today, I sent her an email. I told her I was sorry for what I said, and that I know its not an excuse but that I was exhausted and stressed out about the move and also worried about getting the rental car back in time and meeting my dad. I also told her what I did not apologize for (sticking up for myself.) She sent me back an email which said "I am not going to dignify your response with anything other than this. I did receive your excuses." Of course she did not acknowledge our first wedidng anniversary (yesterday.)
I did also get an email from my DH - saying that no matter what, we are a team and there is no way that she is going to drive a wedge between us (he is the best!)
I just don't know what to do. She does live 3000 miles away from us now, but I just don't want things to be this way. I am not used to this kind of drama. She has "freaked out" on my husband quite a few times since I've known her, but this was the first time she freaked out on me. My family's not perfect, but we apologize and get on with life. We also don't say the type of evil, mean things that this woman said to me. Anyone got any suggestions, or should I just let it go? Any words of wisdom or encouragement.

 

[kejoda]

If I had more time I could go on for hours on this subject. YOu said you were sorry and have ever right to stick up for yourself. The ball is in her court now. Her loss if she doesnt' forgive and forget. You have a great dh!

 

[Buckalew]

When I started reading this I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and think that she was just stressed because her DS was moving 3000 miles away. As I continued to read, I am not so sure I can make THAT excuse for her.
I am sorry you have a MIL like her but I think there may nothing you can do. She sounds like a bitter ol' woman to me.
Sorry I have no advice just congrats on your move and the move away from such a mean lady. Oh and hurray for your DH supporting you. That is very important!

 

[jldriscoll]

Sounds like you did the right thing and owned up to your end of things. That's all you can do IMHO. We are all human and make mistakes. You're right...you should be able to just move on from here.......

Nice to hear your husband is right behind you!! I think it might be up to him to smooth this one over. It is his mom and he may know the right things to say. I wish I had better advice.

{{{hugs}}} and support!! You did the right thing.

 

[C.Ann]

I think you've pretty much done what you can do already - apologize - but if you want, you could write her a letter (no email), apologize again (stick strictly to the incident at hand - don't drag other stuff into it) - and then wait it out..

I would send Christmas cards, birthday cards, Mother's Day cards, etc.; - just like there was nothing wrong - signed "Love", so and so..

That puts the ball in her court.. If she WANTS a relationship with you and her son, she'll come around.. If she never does, there's nothing you can do about it beyond your heartfelt apology..

Hope it works out for you.. In-law problems can be very upsetting but once you have done the right thing, there's really nothing for you to be upset about..

Good Luck!

 

[nativetxn]

You have done what needed to be done, you apologized. You cannot torture yourself because your MIL refuses to accept your apology.

Some people thrive on negativity. Try not to buy into it. I would send her another email that says simply, I hope you are well, our phone number and address are (fill in the blank). We hope to hear from you soon. Send her a sweet email every week or so asking about your inlaws health. Don't apologize again and don't ask her if she is angry, that will just prolong it.

I hope this passes over soon. {{{HUGS}}} sweetie.

 

[olena]

***HUGS***

I'm sorry you've been put in this position, especially so soon in your marriage. We all have bad days, and it seems like you handled it well. It's wonderful that your DH is supporting you. With that much, little else really matters.

 

[minniecarousel]

It sounds like you've done all you can to try & make things right. Has she had any suggestions on what more she wants from you? Maybe your DH could find out what it'll take to come to good terms.
In the meantime, welcome to California (northern or southern?)!!

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd now let it lie,pretend like it's over and done. Send cards letters etc as you normally would...don't do anything more or less than you usually would. She will need to decide what's more important...a relationship with her children or holding a grudge.

 

[lil mermaid]

Thanks to everyone for your encouragement and suggestions. I guess you are all right - there really isn't anything I can do. I suppose I could have given her a complete and total apology, without telling her what I WASN'T apologizing for - but then I would have been lying and having to hold things inside. I think that maybe we will send her a Thanksgiving card and lie low till then. I just hope we don't get any more early morning phone calls.

minniecarousel, thanks for the welcome! I am in Walnut Creek, not too far from you (I think - not quite sure of where everything is yet, lol.) I am working in SF - the rain and wind was brutal (this coming from a girl who is New England born and raised, and used to extreme weather!) Anyway, I think that DH and I will love it here.

Sometimes, it just really helps to vent. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

 

[nativetxn]

You need to change your profile, it still says NH

 

[kdibattista]

I am going through the same thing... only mine lives 10 minutes away. We have actually considered moving. My inlaws are seriously crazy. I wish you the best!!

 

[helenabear]

Originally posted by Disney Doll
I'd now let it lie,pretend like it's over and done. Send cards letters etc as you normally would...don't do anything more or less than you usually would. She will need to decide what's more important...a relationship with her children or holding a grudge.

DD said pretty much exactly what I felt and was going to say! Hopefully she will be able to get over what happened sometime, but in the mean time treat her as you normally would. SO sorry to hear this happened though {{hugs}}

 

[iluvorlando]

(((((HUGS))))) So sorry you are going through this. Your DH sounds wonderful in his support. You are very lucky!! I also agree with DD and Helenabear, good advise there for you!

 

[Saffron]

Once again I agree with Disney Doll.

My family is a lot like yours lil mermaid. We may get upset with each other, but we forgive, forget and move on. Life is too short not to. I'm sorry you are feeling uncomfortable. It sounds like your husband is behind you all the way, that's wonderful. Take care and try not to let it bother you anymore. Easy said then done, huh?

 

[lil mermaid]

Originally posted by nativetxn
You need to change your profile, it still says NH

done!


Okay, let me give you all a little hint of how silly this woman is...ready? When DH and I announced that we were going to be married at WDW, she thought it was stupid (and told us so.) I asked her if she would like us to buy a theme park ticket for her - she said "no, I was there 20 years ago, I've seen it." Then I asked if she would like for us to get her a ticket to see Cirque du soleil, she said "no I saw it on TV. It was really boring." She came the evening before the wedding, and left the day after the wedding.

On another note, my FIL is sweet, wonderful, funny and I love him (they are divorced.)